Winter Jacket (25 page)

“I can’t do this.”
Ruby looked disgruntled.  She sat on the edge of the bed and ran her fingers through her still-damp hair.  “I’m sorry, Elle.  I shouldn’t have done this to you.  I just got a little jealous, a little crazy, I guess.  I thought I wanted to do this, whether you wanted it or not.  But this isn’t fun for either of us.  I’d be emotionally raping you by forcing you to cheat on your little wallflower.”

The tension, the anger that had been building up since I entered her hotel room,
started to leave my body. I felt exhausted by the drama of the past two days.  “Are you still going to tell my Dean?”

She shook her head. “Who am I to begrudge you this little kink?”

I finally joined Ruby at the edge of the mattress. “I really care for her, Ruby,” I said.  “This isn’t just a student-teacher fling to me.”

She grimaced.  “I know
,” she nodded.  “And that’s why I can’t do this to you.”  Without further fanfare, she stood up. “You should go before I change my mind.”

As
she walked me to her hotel room door, I considered  maybe we'd actually come out of this thing as friends.   I said my goodbyes, but refrained from giving her a hug or shaking hands.  Any kind of physical contact would have felt unnecessary at this point.

I left her room and stopped in the hallway when I heard her call after me.  “Hey, Elle?”  I turned back.  H
er hands curled around the edge of the door. "Call me when you come to your senses about this girl and want to hook up."

Maybe not.

+++++

The next day I was distracted by an uneasy, heavy feeling that left my stomach in knots. 
Despite our meeting, I still didn’t entirely trust Ruby to not go back on her promise.  Every time the phone rang or I received a new email, I tensed, anticipating it was someone from the university telling me that I was fired. 

When I got home from work that day, I decided to call Ruby just to double-check that we were okay.   My sanity wouldn’t survive this not knowing for much longer.  She answered her hotel r
oom phone after the third ring.

"Hello?"

"It's 5 o'clock in the afternoon,” I remarked. “Why do you sound like I just woke you up from a dead sleep?"

"Because you did." She coughed, clearing the sleep from her voice. "
I didn’t expect to hear from you before I left town. Don't tell me you changed your mind."

"
No.  Of course not,” I said hastily.  I didn’t want to linger too long on the phone.  Ruby had a talent for weaving an uncomfortable web. “I just want to make sure you're still planning on upholding your side of the bargain."

"I didn't realize there was a bargain in place.
” I could hear the amusement in her voice. “After all, you didn't complete your part of the agreement.  Which, I have to say I’m still surprised.  I thought you
liked
my breasts.  But maybe I shouldn’t have covered up so soon.  You might have had a change of heart.”

"Stop it," I sco
lded.  I hated how she twisted conversations.  I used to find her explicit language exciting.  Now it was just annoying.  "Can I trust you with this?"

She chuckled, but it sounded humorless. "Your dirty little secret is safe with me, Elle.
I won't tell your Dean.
And
I won't tell your little blonde cherub about your late night visit to my hotel room, either."

I hea
rd a quiet gasp on the phone line, but it wasn’t from me and it wasn’t from Ruby. 

Shit. 

I didn’t bother hanging up the phone. I was out of my desk chair in a flash and racing down the hallway toward the front door.  Hunter was there, yanking on her winter jacket – the same jacket that had endeared me to her nearly a year ago. The tears were already streaming down her face.

"I knocked,” she explained wetly. “
The door was unlocked, so I just came in. I wanted to surprise you with dinner."

I spotted a paper
bag full of groceries by the door. It was tipped over, its contents spilling onto the floor.

“I wasn’t eavesdropping,” she choked through a particularly vicious sob.
The wounded look on her face was unmistakable. “The battery on my cell phone died and I was going to leave a message for Sara. I didn’t know you were already on the line.”

“
Hunter.” I was breathless.  It was like someone was sitting on top of my chest.  “It’s not…it isn’t what it sounds like.”  I wanted to cut off my own tongue for the tragic cliché.

Her lips tightened to form a straight line
.  I knew she was putting on a brave face. “I have to go.”

Without waiting for me to expl
ain myself, she left me, tongue-tied and stunned in the front entrance.  She didn’t even bother closing the door behind her.  I felt clammy with sweat and frozen by indecision.  Did I let her run away and have this dramatic storm-off moment or should I immediately go after her?  This was normally the moment in my relationships when I emotionally closed up.  I’d always fought hard for the things I’d wanted in life, but for some reason, that had never extended into my love life.  I was prone to fighting and arguments – I was an Aries, after all – but I’d always fought to save face or to be right.  But I’d never worked hard enough to save a relationship.

After a moment, too long of a moment I thought,
of indecision, I raced out the front door.  I looked both ways down the sidewalk, but didn’t see her.  I took off running in the direction of her apartment.  I wasn’t much of a runner – that was Hunter’s territory.  It wasn’t long before sweat trickled down my hairline, making my scalp itch.  I tried not to think of what I looked like, a maniac bolting down the sidewalk in clothes that were not meant to be run in. 

My calves started to loosen up finally, so I lengthened my stride, pushing myself to run just a little faster.  She still wasn’t anywhere in sight.  My heart pounded along with the rhythmic crunching of loose gravel beneath my shoes, which should have lulled me into a serene blanket of safety.  Instead, my feet, echoing against the sidewalk, punctuated the urgency that I felt.  I could feel my upper abdominal muscles pull and flex sl
ightly with every step.  It wasn’t even hot out, yet the sweat beaded on my forehead and slowly trickled down to my nose before I wiped it away with the back of my hand.

I was breathless and panting
by the time I reached the front entrance of Hunter’s apartment building.  I sprinted up the short concrete stairs to the entrance and pressed the button for apartment number 3 – Dyson and Sharon.  Hunter’s apartment.  I knew she wouldn’t buzz me upstairs if she was furious with me, but I had to still try.  After getting no response, I pressed the button again.

“Hello?” A feminine voice I didn’t recognize, slightly muffled and crackling
, came through the tiny speaker. 

I pressed the button to speak.  “Is
Hunter there?”

“No,” came the reply. “Do you want to leave a message?”

Hunter very well could be inside the apartment, but was having Sara lie for her.  I had no choice but to take this woman’s word as truth.  It’s not like I could bust into the apartment.  I wasn’t about to toss tiny stones at her bedroom window, either.  I didn’t even know which window was her bedroom window in the first place.  I could have always waited for one of the other residents to come home and put on my best innocent face to be let inside the building, but that felt too desperate.  I’d have to get in contact with Hunter some other way. 

“Can you tell her Elle stopped by?”

I had no idea if Hunter had told her roommate about me yet.  I had no idea if the woman on the intercom was even her roommate in the first place.

“Sure.”

The sky darkened overhead, becoming overcast and gloomy, mirroring my own emotions.  I felt drained after my short sprint and the resulting adrenaline.  I started the walk back to my apartment, alone.

When I got back home, I popped a microwavable dinner into the microwave.  Ever since Hunter and I had started dating I had no need to buy any more of the depressing one-person meals, but after some digging in the freezer I found a neglected meal that didn’t look too freezer-burned.  I wasn’t really hungry anymore, but I needed to make myself eat.

While I waited for my dinner to heat up, I tried calling Hunter’s phone.  As expected, she didn’t pick up.  After about the fourth time I called her in a row, her phone went straight to mailbox.  Sighing heavily, I tossed my phone onto the kitchen counter and slumped over until my forehead pressed against the cool granite top.  My house was silent besides the eternal ticking of the grandfather clock and the gentle humming of the microwave.

My cell phone rang and I instantly righted myself.  I
grabbed my phone from the counter, but frowned when the number flashing on the screen was not Hunter’s.  I answered it anyway even though I wasn’t in the mood to talk.

A familiar voice, angrier than I had ever heard it, barked at me: “What the hell did you do,
Elle Graft?”

Whatever stoical wall I’d built up since returning home quickly fell apart.
“I fucked up, Troi,” I cried, swallowing back a sob. “I really fucked it up.”

“I know
. Hunter told me all about it,” my best friend’s voice chastised me over the phone.  “And of all the people in the world, why did it have to be
Ruby
?” Troian’s voice rose in anger.  “Why is she like your fucking monogamy kryptonite?  You and I aren’t dating and even
I
feel betrayed by this.”

“I know it’s no excuse, but I was scared
,” I explained. “She was going to tell Dean Krauss about Hunter.  How I-I’m dating a student,” I stammered out.  I think that might have been the first time I’d actually said the words out loud.  “I didn’t know what to do.  She said if I just did this one thing…”  I couldn’t say the rest.  It was too horrible.

“So you fuck
ed her,” Troian said flatly.  Her tone was almost worse than when she yelled at me.  It was like my best friend had officially given up caring.  “You wanted to save your professional ass, so you did Ruby’s ass.”

“I didn’t!” I protested.  “I swear to you that I didn’t, Troi. I just went to her hotel room to plead my case.  But
Hunter overheard us on the phone today, and I’m pretty sure she thinks we had sex.”

“Okay, this story just gets crazier and crazier.” 

A snot-filled laugh filled my lungs.  “I know,” I sighed, wiping at my eyes.  “She’s not answering her phone, and she wasn’t at her apartment. I need to explain myself, Troi. I’m going crazy over here.”

“Good,” she responded in a clipped tone.  I could almost picture her face in my mind.  Eyes narrowed
, mouth angry and scowling.  “You deserve to go a little crazy after what you did to her.”

I tugged at my
hair in frustration.  I knew I deserved this.  I’d been an idiot about everything since the heater broke in my classroom two semesters ago.  It’s like my brain broke as well.  I should have just told Hunter what was going on so there would be no need for hurt feelings or miscommunication. “I just need to know that she’s alright.”

“She’s as alright as can be expected,” Troian told me stonily.  I heard her sigh heavily, her resolve to be angry with me softening at the edges.  “She’s here with Nik and me, okay? 
Nikole ran into her on the way home from work, and you know how much she likes to coax life back into withering seedlings.” She sighed again. “We’ll keep an eye on her.”

I closed my eyes and clutched my phone a little tighter.  “Thank you,” I murmured.

“Now stop calling her,” Troi chastised, her tone infinitely lighter.  “You look like a crazy woman and that’s bad for your rep.”

I tried to laugh, but it sounded hollow to my ears.  If I hadn’t been so concern
ed about my “rep” at my university, none of this would be happening.

"Are you coming at all tonight
?"  Even though Troian had insisted she didn’t want to do a party to celebrate she and Nikole buying their condo, the lure of having a party at all had been too great.  Nikole loved planning get-togethers.

"No. I probably shouldn’t," I sighed.  “Not until I get the chance to work this out with
Hunter.  And you guys have been planning this party forever. My being there would just be awkward for everyone involved." It was terrible timing, and the reminder of my friend’s event made me hate myself even more.  I had been looking forward to taking Hunter there as my official girlfriend.

"You're probably right ab
out that," she conceded. Troian hated confrontations and hated witnessing them even more.  I wanted  to go to her party, but this would be easier on everyone. It was cowardly, but hopefully the right thing to do. 

"Just, um, can you do one thing for me?" I asked hesitantly. "Can you kind of keep an eye on her tonight?  I mean, I want her to have fun and I don’t want you to be her babysitter, but just, I don’t know, keep her out of trouble?  And I’m not asking you to spy on her either
for me, but I know it’s just going to be a bunch of lesbians there tonight, and if she,” I sucked in a deep breath, “wants to forget about me,  and there’s someone at your party…” I trailed off.