Winter Shadows (26 page)

“And then I returned home and sparked fierce jealousy. But it’s more than that, Papa. When I got back, nôhkom’s body was covered in open sores! She had been dreadfully neglected.”

He pressed fingertips to his temples. “I know this now. I truly thought my mama was simply growing old. I saw her as often as I could manage, and not once did she ever complain to me. But then, I was injured,” he gave me a rueful smile, “and wallowing in self-pity. I trusted Ivy to care for my mother. God forgive me.”

“I won’t leave you or nôhkom to this woman. I’ll tell Robert I can’t marry him.”

Papa covered my hands with his. “No. You must make a life for yourself, child. I am getting stronger every day. I’ll make sure my mother is cared for. She won’t suffer again. Duncan has already offered to hire a nurse to take the burden off you.”

“He did? When?”

“Just a few days ago. I meant to tell you. He also arranged to have a new doctor from the settlement come and see me. He believes I could benefit from his opinion.”

“What will you do about Ivy?”

“I offered Ivy a home with a healthy husband and a good yearly income. She found herself with a crippled man who was suddenly unable to work. To be fair, she has rarely complained. Yes, she is possessive and neurotic. She’s as crippled as I am, but in a different way. I was too sick to fight her when she tried to keep me from my work on behalf of the local farmers. I will insist my friends visit me again. If marrying young Dalhousie is what you truly wish in your heart, then you must marry him. But tell me one thing, my dear.”

I answered before he spoke it, “I do not love Robert, Papa. Not yet.”

“Do you think you could love him, lass?”

“He is a rather distant man, Papa, but good. We will get along fine, I think.”

“Is it only me and kôhkom you’re worried about?” he asked
.

“Who else would there be?”

He smiled. “I will give Dalhousie my permission, but think carefully on it first, my dear. I would hate to see you burdened by a loveless marriage. It’s painful to lose someone
you love, yet I thank God every day for those years with my Anne. Ivy has never known that kind of love – where you breathe easier knowing your cherished one is in the next room.” He shook his head. “I’ll miss you, but I want you to be happy.”

I hugged him. “Nôhkom will advise me.”

He shook his head. “Make this decision on your own, child. Then tell her. Do not burden her unnecessarily. You may change your mind for other reasons.”

I left the room, wondering what he meant by not burdening nôhkom unnecessarily. Except for my worries about her and Papa, what could possibly make me change my mind? His words about my mother have gladdened my heart. I am thankful they found years of true affection together. Will Robert Dalhousie and I ever love the way my parents once loved?

T
he sun was sinking in a dark blue sky when we got back to Aunt Blair’s. As soon as we parked, Daisy leaped out and ran in the front door. We were just in time to see the look on Blair’s face when Daisy cried, “So, whaddya think? It’s Cass’s Christmas present to me – and Jonathan’s too!”

She danced around the kitchen. Her hair swung easily, smooth and shiny, cut just below her ears, curving higher at the back. Soft bangs covered her wide forehead. The glasses we chose together were rimless, with cherry red arms.

Blair stumbled out, “Wow. Gorgeous, Daisy! Cass? Was this okayed by her mom?”

“No. But the kid really needed it. ‘In for a penny, in for a pound,’ as Jean would say!”

“I figure a pound of something will hit the fan when she goes home,” Blair said.

Daisy laughed, put her arm up around my shoulders, and posed, one hip out. “It’s two against one. But we’ll win. Because Mom can’t take this present back to the store!”

Martin said brightly, “All we need right now is for your dad to show up.”

The doorbell rang. “Are you psychic, Martin?” Aunt Blair walked calmly to answer it.

We could hear Dad’s voice. Daisy made a dash for the kitchen door, but I grabbed her. “Let me tell him first. He’ll go nuts.”

She grinned up at me. “I think seeing me will make him happy. He agreed to this, right?”

I let her go, took a deep breath, and followed, passing Blair coming back to the kitchen. All she said was “Oh, boy …”

When I got to the living room, Daisy’s arms were wrapped around Dad’s waist. “Oh, thank you, Jonathan! I know it’s not Christmas yet, but Cass said I should have it done today. It’s the best Christmas present ever, in my whole entire life!”

He held her at arm’s length. She gazed up at him, her face flushed with joy. He pulled her close again and glared at me over her head. “I’m glad you love it, Daisy. You look really wonderful. Would you mind going to the kitchen with the others? I’d like to talk to Cass, okay?”

“Sure!” She sashayed out of the room, touching her hair carefully all over.

“Sit. Down.” I sat. “What the devil are you playing at? Why would you do something as important as this without consulting the child’s mother?”

“Because
the child’s mother
isn’t seeing her. Daisy’s going to be thirteen soon. Kids are making fun of her,
Dad. Jean just sees you. Soon it will be all about the new baby. I thought the two of them were working together against me, but I realize Daisy has been trying to get Jean’s attention all this time.”

“You worked that out on your own, did you, Doctor Shrink? You can wipe that smile off your face. You are coming back with me, and you are going to explain to Jean why you did this.”

“Okay. I wouldn’t leave Daisy to take the heat alone.”

“Your
heat, Cass.” He stared me down, but I didn’t blink.

Blair and Martin were trying to keep a conversation going in the next room, but now and again I could hear a pine needle drop.

“I just don’t understand what has come over you, Cass,” Dad finally said. “I know you miss your mom. I know Jean is not a substitute. But your mom would have –”

“She had a name, Dad. It was Fiona. And she was
your wife
. Not just
my mom.”

“Do you really think it doesn’t hurt me to say her name? Do you think I avoid saying it because of Jean? Do you have any idea how much I miss your … Fiona? But she is gone, Cass.…” The skin under his eyes looked bruised.

“And now you have a new life and a new baby coming. Does it matter what I do?”

“Are you still depressed, Cass? Is that it? Do you need to go back on the meds the doctor gave you after your – Fiona – died? I know your grades haven’t fallen yet, but –”

“You think I’m acting out because of depression? Isn’t that what Jean calls it, Dad? Acting out? You think
this thing with Daisy is some kind of payback on Jean?”

“Isn’t it? Jean’s been finding you, everything, so difficult.”

“It’s all Jean, Jean, Jean. Have you listened to Jean, Dad? She speaks at me, as if I’m a stranger – no, a roomful of strangers. She
announces
things to me. She
proposes
things to me. She throws
clichés
at me. She never
talks
to me. She didn’t want one thing from our old life in our own living room. And that’s the point, isn’t it? It’s
her
home. I don’t belong there.”

“You belong where I am, Cass. I know Jean can be awkward at times, but she’s shy in many ways.”

I laughed. “Shy? You’re kidding, right? A shy person who announces to a roomful of people at the same time she tells her clued-out stepdaughter – who didn’t even get a say in choosing a Christmas tree, by the way – that she is expecting your baby?”

He could hardly drag out his next words. “She didn’t tell me about the baby until just before the party. She took a home test while I was out. She’d been suspicious for a while, but … She would have told you if you were home on time. As for putting up the tree – well, isn’t that just a little trite considering a baby is on the way, a baby that will be your half-sibling? I want you to be happy for us.”

“First off, Jean lied about the test,” I said. “She told Daisy about it the day before yesterday. Daisy said she knew a huge secret. I bet Jean’s known for ages.”

His eyes widened. He knew I was telling the truth.

“How can I be happy for you, Dad? You’re married to a person who talks to me like I’m your distant relative
visiting
her
home and she’s waiting for me to leave. And where do you fit in her house, Dad? She told Daisy about the baby before she told you! Where’s your favorite chair Mom bought you? In the old barn, right?”

“And so to get even for all of this, you took that twelve-year-old out and bought her an expensive pair of glasses and a haircut on
my
credit card, so that she is almost unrecognizable. I’m surprised you didn’t get her a nose ring or a tongue stud.”

“You didn’t look very closely at her, did you, Dad?”

“You didn’t!”

I shouted, “Of course I didn’t! Who do you think I am? Jean’s version of a head case who would put a ring in a twelve-year-old’s nose?”

A small voice came from the kitchen door. “You and Cass didn’t plan this, did you, Jonathan? I thought it was your idea to give me a makeover.”

I would have laughed at Daisy calling it a makeover, but her look of sad awareness wasn’t the least bit funny.

J
ust before I left for choir practice, I opened my journal to make a short entry and found scribbled words on the last page that were not mine. My spirit girl wrote them! Her name is Cass. She told me to think hard about marrying Robert Dalhousie. And to be strong. Just as nôhkom’s spirit told her to be strong. Then she printed in bold letters
What about Duncan?
What on this earth did she mean by that?

I closed the diary and stared out the window. How could she write in my diary without nôhkom seeing her? I knew everyone in our village. Cass didn’t live in St. Cuthbert’s. She was a figment of my imagination. Why would she tell me to wait? Did I, in fact, at some point put the wide-looped handwriting on the page myself – under some mad delusion I was a girl called Cass? I hid the diary immediately
.

Little did I realize that I would see her again so soon
.

As I pulled on my second-best wool dress to wear to church, frost glistened in the corners of the bedchamber. I added more wood to Grandmother’s small hearth and left her dozing in its warmth
.

It was bitterly cold outside, and the hard snow crunched under Tupper’s hooves. The harness bells clacked with cold. He wore a heavy blanket, and another one lay in the carriole to cover him when we arrived. The church bell bonged deeply over the farms, calling the choir to practice. Despite the cold, my hands were damp in their fur-lined pouches. I was uncertain how to greet Robert. Would Duncan Kilgour make things worse by saying something tactless or spiteful? I decided I would act as if nothing was agreed between Robert and me. And I would ignore Kilgour
.

Earlier at dinner, Papa, Ivy, and I had eaten my fish-and-potato dish with little appetite. Ivy sat rigid at the table, throwing pleading looks at Papa, who spoke to the girls and me, but not to her. The girls had great helpings. I was pleased to see Dilly blooming under her friendship with the Three Graces
.

Note to myself: You must tutor both Dilly and Minty after Christmas, right up until you leave, and then ask Miss Cameron to take Dilly into the school a few days a week
.

If Robert followed through with his plans, we could be gone by spring. That thought set up a heavy banging in my chest, and I could not eat another mouthful
.

I knew Duncan Kilgour was angry with his mother over the upset, but as he didn’t care two pins for me or my feelings, why would he miss his fish dinner this evening? I recalled the contraction in his eyes when I told him about my impending engagement. Did he think I was doing the wrong thing, leaving nôhkom and Papa? Did he dislike Robert that much?