Winter's Gamble (7 page)

“All right.” Phil took his hands from his pockets and put them together in front of his face. “I grew up in the sticks. The country. Redneck central. Where football is king, and if you don’t hunt, you’re a wussy.” Probably a place Neo had never even gone to visit. But it had been all Phil had known until college.

“Sounds hellacious to this dark-skinned queer boy. But go on.” Neo tapped his hand on his leg.

“Being gay? It wasn’t even thought of. Or talked about. Everyone assumed you were hetero. I knew I was…different? I wasn’t sure how. I didn’t know anyone who was gay until college. Then I met you. I knew why I was different then.”

Neo leaned forward so quickly, he looked like he might fall over. “Wait a fucking minute. I was your first?”

“Kind of. Yeah. No. I’d had…a one-night thing in college, but it…wasn’t…it was experimenting only… I mean, in the morning he acted like he didn’t even know me. Like I said, being gay wasn’t on the radar. It was something for the big-city folk and movie stars. Not regular people like where I was from. Like me.”

He could still remember the coldness from the college boy he’d had the encounter with. The way the young man hadn’t even wanted to be around him after that. It wasn’t like Phil had made him. Or raped him. Phil had figured it out a few years later. The college student had been afraid Phil would talk. This guy was so fully in the closet, the moths couldn’t visit. Phil had been almost as bad. Even after college, he hadn’t known he was gay, just thought it was a onetime thing.

“I wasn’t just in the closet—I was in the back corner with miles and miles of room around me to the door. And then I met…you.”

“I do have that effect on people.” Neo motioned a hand as if to say, “Go on.” Was he believing Phil, or did he have doubts?

“You were open and honest about what you were. I was attracted to you. And I realized something about myself. That I like men. I always had, but I had no prior reference point.” Phil ran a hand through his well-gelled hair. “I came to the edge of the closet. I was on the brink of the threshold the night we had sex. I was ready to storm out.” He’d been so idealistic, thinking if he were happy in a relationship, that people who loved him would have to accept him.

“But you got shoved back in? Because you never came out. And you left me fucking high and dry in the process.” Bitterness laced the words.

This was where things got less simple and murkier. “The morning after we…well, you know…we…”

“Fucked.”

“Yeah, fucked.” Phil would have put it in less crude terms, but that was what had happened. He couldn’t deny that. “I got a call from my brother. My mother had passed out.”

“While you were with me?”

“You were dead to the world snoozing.” Phil had been watching him sleep. He’d been so close to having what he wanted. He’d made so many plans as he’d watched his lover sleep. The call had shattered that. “You didn’t even hear the phone ring.”

“So you booked to the hospital but couldn’t leave me a note about your mother? Really?” Neo arched a brow. “Like I wouldn’t understand family and how you needed to go to them?”

Phil leaned heavily on his hand. “My brother didn’t only tell me she passed out. He told me what she’d kept from the family until they got to the ER.” His voice caught, but he kept going. “Inoperable brain tumor. Big. She was dying. He laid it all out on me on the phone that morning.” He took a deep breath. “And he knew where I was. A friend of his had seen me with you. He told me it would kill our mother, so unless I wanted her funeral tomorrow, to grow some balls and hide it.”

“Oh wow.” Neo sounded horrified. His mouth drew up into a pucker. “I can’t imagine.”

“Yeah. Neo, I couldn’t… I knew it would devastate my family if I admitted what I knew I was now that my mother was dying.”

“They wouldn’t have been able to handle it.”

“No. They wouldn’t have been. And I wasn’t ready to take a stand to lose them over this, especially with my mother’s condition.”

Neo looked thoughtful but didn’t say anything.

“And I didn’t tell you, which probably was another mistake. I mean I’d found out this terrible news. I didn’t know how to handle that myself. I bottled it up inside. I didn’t tell anyone.”

“You went through this alone?”

“Yeah.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t know you well enough to know how you’d react, and I couldn’t figure out how to handle things. I’d only recently accepted what I was. I knew if I told you, we’d continue to see each other, and my mother would eventually find out. I’m not that good at hiding things.”

“So you ran away from me?”

“Yeah. Not one of my better moments, I know.” Phil looked up at the ceiling for a brief second. If he could go back and change it, he would. He would tell Neo everything from the start. “By the time I’d come to grips with what was happening to my family, you weren’t ready to hear any explanations, and I thought…my mother would pass on, and then I’d get to lead my life. Maybe even come back to you and explain what had happened. I thought if I were patient, I’d get what I wanted in the end and not hurt my mother.”

“But you never did that.”

“My mother died a year ago.” His voice didn’t break. It wanted to, and he almost heard the crack. By the end, he’d been ready to lose her because of all the pain and the changes the tumor had caused. It didn’t make it hurt any less. “She hung on, even when they thought it was the last time she’d pull through. The doctors were amazed. And…I was stuck. Knowing I was gay would have killed her. She was old-school. She wanted grandchildren and a white picket fence for me.” Once he’d started living the lie with her, he hadn’t known how to stop. His brother had reinforced it, threatening Neo with the worst possible outcomes like his mother’s imminent death if he ever told his secret. Well, not really threatening him, but he’d preached doom and gloom should Phil ever come clean before their mother died. “I kept thinking if I held on, I’d get…but it didn’t happen.” Life would never be the way he wanted, because Neo wasn’t an option anymore. Maybe in the months immediately after Phil had walked, but not five years later. Phil didn’t blame him on that.

“Are you out now? Out of the rear end of the closet?” The chair creaked as Neo leaned back.

Now Phil was proud of what he’d done with that. “Yeah. About a month after my mom passed, I came out to my family.” It had been hard. They’d accused him of grieving and not knowing his mind. They’d wanted him to wait before doing anything and acting on his urges. “My father disowned me. But my brother accepted it for the most part. He and his wife. I have a good friendship with them. I’m living my life the way I want to now. I’ve even had a relationship. But it ended.”

“Good for you.” There was sarcasm laced all through that comment. Phil couldn’t blame him for that.

“I’m sorry for running out on you.” He placed his arms down by his side. He didn’t know how to make this right, doubted he ever could. Nothing could change what had happened. Maybe if he told Neo exactly what he thought? “If I could go back and change how I handled things that morning, I would.” There was no going back. For either of them. “I was stupid and didn’t have a clue.”

“You’re telling the truth about all this?” Neo looked pensive. He seemed to be digesting everything that he’d been told.

“You’d know if I lied.” Neo had been particularly good at looking into others’ bullshit and calling it crap. He seemed to have a built-in lie detector. He’d known Phil’s lie from the beginning.

“Probably.” Neo got to his feet. His muscles stretched out and then relaxed as he did. He had a dancer’s grace. Sometimes he reminded Phil of a cat.

He had finally told him. He’d gotten a chance to explain himself for the wrong done so long ago. Neo walking away was all he could expect, but at least he’d told him. It was a good feeling trying to mend things between then. “I’m glad I got a chance to tell you this. I’ve wanted to. But I didn’t know how to talk to you.”

“I’m glad too. Though you still need to work on being assertive about what you want.” Neo walked to the door and locked it instead of opening it. He didn’t turn back toward Phil but stood there.

Phil arched an eyebrow. What was Neo going to do behind a locked door? Surely he wasn’t going to try to punish Phil? Or do anything extreme? All the other dancers who would use this area had gone home, and there were no more drag shows or man shows scheduled. For practical purposes, they were alone back here. “Uh, what are you doing?”

Neo turned back around and stalked toward Phil. “This.” He put one hand on the back of Phil’s head and pulled him in for a bruising kiss that left Phil’s head spinning like he was in a whirlwind. That masterful mouth knew how to deal out pleasure like the best runner of blackjack there was.

Maybe second chances were real?

Chapter Five

Neo kept control of the kiss by pulling away every time Phil tried to wrest back domination. Then he’d plunge in with his tongue again, sealing his mouth across the man’s.

What the hell are you doing?

What he’d wanted to do since Phil had marched into work at the bar on the first day. He’d been pissed off about Phil leaving him that morning, so he’d held on to that anger. But he’d wanted to do
this
in spite of that.

So he did.
For right now.

He pulled away and placed his forehead against Phil’s. He was panting, and his cock was rock hard in his jeans. Damn the man. Why did he have to be so sexy with his bouncer-like appearance? His dirty-blond hair fell to one side and was always a little messy. His blue eyes radiated calm even when the whole world was collapsing around him. His full mouth made Neo want to plant a kiss on him each time he saw him. Black pants that fit him like a second skin and an old black T-shirt that hugged every muscular curve were his clothes of choice even today, and they suited him. The whole package made Neo want him.

Yeah, Neo was still attracted to him even when he’d been hating on him. He couldn’t help his libido. Maybe doing him one more time under the right circumstances would get Phil out of his system. It was worth a try. And Neo would get great sex at the very least and maybe get rid of the ghost of Phil that seemed to hang over Neo’s life. It was why he’d never been able to move on with anyone else. Every guy Neo had gone after since Phil had been compared to Phil and came up lacking in some way.

Phil panted for breath. “So you believe me?” He grasped at Neo as though that was the only thing keeping him grounded. “You believe what I’ve told you about my mother?”

“Maybe.” He had no reason not to, nor did Phil lie well. But there was still a hold on total suspension of disbelief. Phil hadn’t been forthcoming back at the time. He’d taken the easy way out. Doing it once, he’d probably do it again. “Maybe not.”

“But you kissed me?” Phil sounded like he was baffled. He leaned away from Neo so he could look him fully in the face. “Even if you aren’t sure about me?”

“Yeah. Look, I think Vin Diesel is a stupid fuck bastard. But I’d still do him on a dime.”

“Huh?”

“Attraction has nothing to do with relationships. It’s got everything to do with a quick fuck and libido.” Neo brushed his hand down Phil’s face. Caressed his high cheekbone. Liked the feel of the smooth skin. Phil must have shaved.

“You want to fuck me.”

“Oh, yeah.” Neo licked his lips. “As many ways as I can.” He tightened his grip on Phil’s head. “For now.”

Phil didn’t look happy. He looked downright pissed off.

He didn’t have the right to look that way. “That’s all you get. A quick fuck. You want more than that?” He released Phil’s head and shifted his body away, despite the fact that his cock protested madly. His entire body felt the loss of Phil’s body against his. He wanted it back despite being the one to push it away.

Phil seemed to reflect for a minute. “I do. I didn’t think you would or could. Not after what I did to you. But I would like more than a one-night stand if it’s on the table.”

“I would too.” The words went out into the world, and Neo almost wanted to shove them back into his mouth.
Shit.
Why did he have to put himself out there? Vulnerable. Like he’d been when Phil had slammed the door on his cock. Neo was always doing shit like this with Phil. No one else but that rat bastard. “But I’m not sure I trust you yet. So right now…you can fuck me. You want more? We’ll have to see. Sex is the only thing I’m guaranteeing. Take it or leave it.” He didn’t ask the final part to his diatribe. Because it wasn’t a question. Phil would either take him up on the offer or reject him outright. Neo didn’t have to ask. Phil would do whatever it was he was going to do. “There’s the door if you’re going.” Neo pointed toward it.

Phil suddenly pulled Neo close to him. His mouth pursed. “But you’ll consider more? More than this? Maybe later?”

“More than this? We haven’t fucking done jack shit yet.” And Neo was horny and ready for anything with Phil. If the man was walking away, he’d better do it quickly. If he did, Neo would be taking a long shower with lots of soap when he arrived home.

Phil wouldn’t let Neo move closer or move his lips to Phil’s. He held him off with strong arms and hands. “More than this is possible, though? I’m not asking now, I’m asking for later?”

“Maybe’s all I got, baby.” Neo couldn’t commit. Hell, he still half expected Phil to run. “You’re going to have to work to get whatever
more
you want. Fucking’s all I can offer you right now. Which I’ve already said. So make your decision.”

Phil nodded. “Okay.”

Neo arched a brow. He wasn’t getting any younger. “‘Okay’? That mean you want to—”

“Fuck now. More later.” Phil’s mouth sounded as though it was full of marbles, so deep and guttural was his voice. “I cede.”

He hadn’t yet. But he would. Neo leaned down to kiss the slightly shorter man in a flurry of lips that heated Neo’s blood. It drove that warmth down into his cock to make him burn all over. He grasped Phil instinctively for support. He needed something to anchor him so he wouldn’t lose himself in the stratosphere, which was where he felt like he was traveling. “This may be it. There may be no later.”