Winter's Tide (13 page)

I
was sitting in Grammy's hospital room. Norm had gone to take a business call, and Grammy was sleeping. It was dark in here. And quiet, except for Grammy's even breathing.

Stephanie had still felt weak this morning, and Norm and Mom decided she should stay home. Mom stayed with her. I probably could have stayed home too, but I volunteered to come. I don't know why. I was glad Grammy was sleeping though, because I felt
so guilty for throwing Stephanie's boots in the water that I couldn't think of much of anything to say to anyone. The fact that Stephanie had told everyone that her boots fell in made me feel even worse.

“Let's get some light in here!” Candace, Grammy's day nurse, burst in and opened the blinds, letting in strips of searing, bright sunshine.

“Oh, my,” said Grammy, blinking.

“Really,” I said, shielding my eyes.

“The doctor says your grandmother needs to get up and about,” Candace said to me. “Her surgery is bright and early tomorrow morning. I bet you can walk her up the hall and back a few times, can't you? Help her get the blood flowing?”

“Sure.” Could I? I looked at Grammy's IV stand. What if she fell? What would we talk about?

Candace threw back Grammy's covers and helped her swing her legs to the side of the bed. “You feeling up to a good walk today, Mrs. Verra?”

“Yes, much better,” Grammy said. “If the doctor wants me to walk, then I'll walk.”

“Okay, granddaughter,” said Candace, “come over here and grab ahold of your grandmother's elbow.”

I stood next to Grammy and took her elbow. She was a little unsteady on her feet, and she leaned against my shoulder.

“Just roll the IV along with you,” Candace said.

We headed for the door.

“Looking great,” Candace said. “Keep up the good work.”

The hallway bustled with nurses hurrying back and forth and visitors coming and going. I guided Grammy around the people as best I could.

“Thank you, Diana,” she said. “You didn't know you'd signed up for this, did you?” She chuckled, gripping her IV pole as she rolled it along.

“It makes me feel good to help,” I said. It did. It kept my mind off my guilt. I wondered if I could just tell Grammy what I did and then have her tell me it was okay. Or have her tell me what I could do to make things right.

“Grammy?” I said. “What if someone has done something they feel bad about?”

She cut her eyes over at me, considering. “Well, what do you think a person has to do to stop feeling bad?”

“Ask the other person to forgive them?”

Grammy nodded. “That would be a good start.” We walked a few more steps. “This person … and this other person … they're not anyone I know, are they?”

I hesitated. “No,” I said.

“I didn't think so,” Grammy said, with a smile.

After we'd walked one circle around the floor, I thought she'd want to go back in her room, but she didn't.

“Let's go around again,” she said energetically. “I want the doctors to think I'm a star.”

So I helped her put one foot in front of the other, and we went around two more times. I listened to her talk about Jelly. Maybe she would have rather had Stephanie there. But I told her she definitely was a star, and she seemed happy about that.

G
rammy's surgery went beautifully, and Dr. Claiborne sent her home the following day. When Daddy escorted Grammy through the front door of her apartment, Jelly went wild. He began to dance around on his hind legs, yipping hysterically. Then he began to run around and around her in circles. Grammy was so happy to see Jelly she started to cry.

When Daddy sat her down on the couch, Jelly jumped onto her lap and licked the tears from her
cheeks. I don't know why, but I started crying too. I guess I just felt so relieved to have Grammy back home and feeling well.

“How is my little boy?” Grammy said, stroking his head again and again. “How are you, Mr. Jelly? I missed you too!” She looked at him critically. “Norm, my dog has lost weight. Were you all not feeding him?”

“Yes, we fed him! He pined away for you, that's all, Mom,” Daddy said. “He missed you so much he wasted away. You must admit he had a few pounds to spare.”

Grammy laughed. “I suppose.”

We got Grammy settled in her bed with Jelly curled at her feet. “It will still take me a couple of days to get back to being myself,” she said. “Come on, Jelly. Take a nap with me.”

And that was when Diana asked me if I wanted to take a walk on the beach. Neither Daddy nor Lynn had said anything about us being grounded, but we knew that was just because they were worried about Grammy and that we would talk about it eventually.

We put on our coats and headed out. The day was sunny and there wasn't much breeze, so it felt almost warm in the sun. As soon as we got on the sandy path to the beach Diana looked over at me.

I took a deep breath. Was she going to tell me how hurt she had been about me starting the teasing about
her? I had been feeling so guilty about it for so long. I knew how mad and hurt she'd be when she found out, which was why I'd tried to keep it a secret. I had been afraid she would never forgive me. I tied my pink scarf a little more snugly around my neck.

“I'm sorry about your boots,” Diana said. “I have some of my allowance saved up, and I can replace them.”

I walked along beside her for a few steps. Two sandpipers ran ahead of us along the sand. She was apologizing!

“Okay,” I said. I realized I'd been holding my breath, and I let it out.

Diana went on. “You haven't told Mom and Norm what I did.” She put her hair behind her ear.

“Well, you didn't tell them what I did either.” I walked along, playing with the fringe on my scarf. “I mean, when I figured out that what I'd said to Colleen was probably what caused you to be teased all that time, you can't imagine how bad I felt. I never meant for any of that to happen.”

“I know,” she said. “I was so mad on the boat, after you'd told me, and I lost control. But when I thought about it, I knew you hadn't done it on purpose.”

We walked along side by side for a few minutes. The sandpipers ran to the water's edge, plunged their
sharp little beaks into the wet sand looking for tiny sea creatures, and then hurried away.

“I was so scared when we had to take you and Jeremy to the hospital,” Diana said. “And I kept thinking that it was all my fault that you had gotten in the water.”

“I forgive you for throwing my boots in the water,” I said.

Diana walked along for a short distance without answering. She was looking at the shells, then she finally stopped and picked one up, one shaped like a little whistle with a smooth ivory surface. “Would this shell be good for your collection?”

She held it out to me. She didn't have to say that she forgave me for starting the teasing. But I knew that she had.

“Oh, I wanted to find one to give Grammy. That looks perfect.” And I took it and put it in my coat pocket.

I thought back to the time when Daddy and Lynn first got married and how hard it had been for Diana and me to talk to each other. I thought about how hard it had been for me to break through her anger. And now. We had our differences, but we still talked. We'd apologized to each other. We'd even forgiven each other. It seemed like a miracle. She had changed, and so had I.

Somehow, going through all those hard times made getting along the way we were now even more precious. It was something we'd fought for.

The tide was coming in, and I looked out at the grayish-green ocean and saw some surfers in wetsuits riding their surfboards.

“Look,” I said to Diana.

“Oh, it's the same guys who helped me with Nick the first time he got stranded,” Diana said. She waved. The surfers waved back.

The thought of Nick made us quiet for a while.

“I don't want Nick to have died for nothing,” Diana went on. “I want to do something.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know. I'll have to think about it.”

The day Grammy came home was New Year's Eve. We tried to stay up to watch
New Year's Rockin' Eve
, but Grammy and I both fell asleep on the couch with Jelly before the ball dropped. We left to drive back to Charlotte New Year's Day, because neither Lynn nor Daddy could take any more time off work. Daddy helped Grammy hire a woman to come and take care of her until she got her strength back.

Out on Grammy's front porch, Grammy's frame felt small and bird-like as I wrapped my arms around her
to say good-bye. Her cheek, when I kissed it, was soft and wrinkled. Jelly sat at her feet.

“You take care of yourself, Grammy,” I said. My throat felt full, thinking about how worried we had been about her. “I hate to have to leave.”

“Don't you worry. I'm going to be just fine,” she said. “And maybe you'll come back and see me in the spring or summer.”

Diana stepped forward, shyly, and put her arms around Grammy.

“I'm sorry I couldn't take care of Jelly for you,” she said. “I'm glad you're better.”

“Me too. And don't worry about Jelly. Who knows what's going on in that little mind of his.”

Then Lynn hugged her tightly, and Daddy hugged her last of all. “You look great, Mom. You won't miss that gallbladder at all.”

“Right,” said Grammy.

Daddy didn't think anyone saw, but I did. He blinked away a tear.

As we were driving out of Grammy's neighborhood, we got a last glimpse of the emerald ocean just over the dunes.

And I thought again about whether God had answered my prayer. And I thought that maybe he had.

In the car on the way home, I got a text from Mama. Matt was still in the hospital, getting physical therapy. He was bored and in pain. Most of his college friends had gone skiing for New Year's and hadn't visited him.

When I read Mama's text, I sighed.

“What's wrong?” Diana said.

I told her.

“I'll go with you to visit him,” she said. “We could take a deck of cards or something.”

“You're kidding. You'd go with me?” I said.

Diana shrugged and then grinned. “Don't make me think about it too much, or I'll change my mind.”

So while Lynn and Daddy were at work the next day, Mama took Diana and me to the hospital. She dropped us off so she could run errands. My heart beat really hard when I thought about seeing him.

“I'm nervous,” I told Diana while we were in the elevator.

“Okay. I'll go in first,” she said. We hesitantly stood in the doorway of his room. He was as pale as a ghost, without much more color in his face than the hospital gown he had on, and so thin I barely recognized him. He used to have longish brown hair. Now hair stubble, which had been shaved around the stitches in his head, was barely starting to grow back. My shock at how awful he looked must have shown on my face.

“What can I say? The food here stinks,” he said.

“Yeah, I bet it does,” I said. I kind of stood in the doorway and then slowly took a few steps in. “How are you feeling?”

“Like crap.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.” My mind raced. What else could I say to him? Mama had said she'd pick us up in forty-five minutes. What were we going to do with all that time? Right now it seemed like a million years. I noticed he had some kind of brace on his hand.

“Does that hurt?”

“Yeah. Like a bear. But I'm getting movement back.”

“Oh, that's great.”

“Yeah. I guess I'm lucky,” he said sarcastically.

I didn't know what to say next. I grabbed a lock of my hair and twirled it.

“You are lucky. Lucky to be alive,” Diana said.

Matt stared at her. “Thanks for the keen observation. I heard you got suspended from school.”

“Yeah.”

“You're a troublemaker. I like that.”

Diana opened her mouth to answer, then seemed to reconsider. “Well, I'm turning over a new leaf,” she said.

“Oh, too bad,” Matt said.

“So far it's working for me,” Diana said.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Matt sighed and looked out the window at the hospital parking lot.

“So … you know how to play hearts?” Diana said.

“Yeah.”

“Wanna play? We can help you with the cards.”

Matt shrugged his shoulders, then grimaced in pain. “I guess I got nothing better to do.”

Diana and I pulled the two chairs in his room close to his bed. On the blanket, Diana started dealing cards for hearts. Then she picked up his cards for him, without looking at them, and propped them in his good hand.

“I've got a good hand, get it? Ha ha,” Matt said.

I was so glad she was there.

I
t was definitely weird when Stephanie went back to school after Christmas vacation and I didn't. Mom came into my room before work that first day.

“Hey, since you've got so much time on your hands, I'm putting you to work,” she said, sitting down on the end of my bed and squeezing my feet through the covers. “You can be in charge of cleaning the upstairs this week. And how about fixing dinner for the rest of us for the next couple of nights? It doesn't have to be fancy.”

It wasn't. The first night I made spaghetti and bread and salad. But you'd have thought I'd made a gourmet feast the way everyone in the family raved over it.

Still, even with the extra chores, I had a lot of time to think about stuff, lying on my bed and staring at the horse posters on the wall of my room or at the bare oak trees outside my window. I kept having this dream where I'd throw Stephanie's boots in the water, and she'd jump in and the cold water would close over her head.

And I went to see Dr. Shrink.

While I was suspended, I went to the barn twice. Both days Josie picked me up first thing in the morning, so I got there early enough to break the ice on the outdoor water troughs. Commanche had missed me. The first day I got back, he nuzzled my arm and made soft nickering sounds, then butted me with his head. It was comforting just to be near him.

While I was standing outside Commanche's stall, Dad called me on my new cell phone.

“Hey, dudette,” he said cheerfully, as though we had never had that big fight about me coming to visit. “There's something I feel I need to tell you.”

“What's that?”

“I just … well, I understand how it feels to be suspended. In fact, I got suspended once myself. For fighting.”

“You did?” I caught my breath in a gasp of surprise.

“Yeah. Some guy called me something, and I turned around and punched him. I can't even remember what he called me now. I think I got mad at you, because what you did reminded me of myself. And I wasn't proud of what I did that day. And I guess I wanted to warn you about it.”

As Dad was talking, I felt goose bumps prickle my neck between my shoulder blades. “Oh.”

“It took me a long time to learn from my mistakes. Don't let it take so long with you. I don't mean to be impatient with you. Go back to school and turn over a new leaf. And let's plan a visit over spring break where you can do some riding, okay, dudette?”

Commanche stuck his head over the half-door and nuzzled the tip of my ear, slobbering on my phone. “Okay,” I said.

That afternoon, Mom had to work late, and Norm came to pick me up. As I climbed into the car, I saw he was on the phone.

“That's great that you're making such a good recovery, Mom.” He listened. “So Jelly doesn't leave your side, huh? He's happy to have you home, and we are too. Okay, talk to you soon.”

I thought about how I'd acted when we were on our way to see Grammy, and I felt ashamed. Grammy didn't have to love me, but she did anyway.

But I didn't know how to tell Norm I was sorry.

“That's good that Grammy is doing well,” I said. I played with the window opener, opening it and letting the cold air come in, then closing it.

Norm raised his eyebrows, as if he understood me. “Yeah, she's really lucky. And I think it meant a lot to her for us to be there with her.”

He met my eyes, then patted my knee, smiling. And I knew he had forgiven me, that I didn't have to say I was sorry, that he understood.

Just like she promised, Stephanie brought me my assignments. In English, we were supposed to start our extra reading for second semester, and she brought me my book.

“We had to pick from a few different ones,” she said, sitting on the end of my bed. “For me, I picked
Great Expectations
by Charles Dickens. For you, I picked
The Yearling
by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings. It's about a boy who raises a fawn as a pet. I thought you'd like that one,” she said.

I took the book, examining the picture on the front, which showed a country boy sitting in the firelight, a spotted fawn curled in his lap. I
would
like this one. It was the perfect book to pick for me.

“Thanks, Steph.”

And I started thinking, maybe this is the way it should be. That Mom and Norm should meet each other and get married. That Stephanie and I could be there for each other. While we'd been at Emerald Isle, we'd watched the winter tides bring Nick ashore to die, and they'd also floated our boat away. Life, like the tides, goes on. More things in life, both good and bad, would happen to Stephanie and me. There would
be times we would understand each other and there would be times we wouldn't. And it was up to us to make it mean something. And to help each other.

And I thought about the tides, the way they came in and went out, according to their own schedule, regardless of anything people did or didn't do. I realized that I had made a decision about nature and God. It was ironic, because seeing Nick die like that had made me think that there might be a God. And it had to do with the love people show each other. God is like the tides. His power is always there.

The day I went back to school, I was standing by my locker, getting ready to go to English class. I was holding the
Yearling
book Stephanie had picked for me, and Carla walked by. My heart thudded, and I felt a jolt of anger. Then I took a deep breath and began to count. The bruise on her cheek from the book I'd thrown was gone. She'd gotten her hair cut, so she had made some changes too. She glanced at me, opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. I remembered our scuffle in the hallway, the way we'd screamed at each other, the way we'd yanked at each other's clothes and clawed at each other's faces.

Then I took another deep breath, shut my locker, and turned to face her.

“Hi,” I said. I gave her a smile, then I walked away.

I saw Noah in Spanish class. I started to ignore him,
the way I used to. Then I changed my mind. “Stephanie told me your grandfather was sick,” I said. “How's he doing?”

Noah gave me a surprised look, then nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Thanks for asking.”

That night I dreamed about Nick and about the power of the tides. I dreamed that the tide had come in and gently picked him up from where he lay on the sand and floated him, light as a feather, out to sea where the other whales were waiting and calling to him with their piercing, yearning voices. And once they had Nick in their midst again, they dove deep and, together, swam for home.