Wish I May (2 page)

“She’s being so selfish, taking us away from our life here. Taking me away from you.”

We’ve had this conversation a hundred times since her mom announced their move last month. I know where she’s headed with it, and I won’t let her go there. Not tonight. “Don’t give up on us.” My voice is hard and I have to concentrate on not holding her too tightly, but I already feel her slipping away. “She can make you move, but she can’t take you away from me. You’re mine. In New Hope, in Nevada, in Timbuktu, you’ll always be mine.”

Rolling over her, I support myself on my elbows and cup her face in my hands. I rub my thumb over the pale skin of her jaw, the flush of her cheek, the rosy pink of her kiss-swollen lips. She threads her fingers through my hair and pulls me down so she can run kisses along my jaw.

“Can we really survive a long-distance relationship?” she whispers.

“It’ll only be long-distance when we’re apart. You’ll be back for prom. We’ll see each other this summer.”

“Prom.”

I run my hand up her side and brush the underside of her breast with my thumb. “Prom. Just like we planned. Then when school starts, you can visit me at the dorms.”

“You deserve better,” she says.

Under me, she parts her legs until my knee slides between them. She moans into my neck. “There’s nothing better than you.” I flick my tongue against her ear.

When I pull back, tears glisten in her eyes. “I don’t want to wait for prom night. I’m ready now.”

For a year, we’ve been together and held off on sex because Cally wasn’t ready. She feared having sex too young would make her like her mother. Even if the fear wasn’t entirely rational, I understood. “Are you sure?”

She shifts under me and wraps her legs around my waist so only our clothes are between us. Adrenaline and arousal pump through me at the thought of making love to her. Then a tear rolls down her cheek, and I know I can’t.

“Not tonight,” I whisper. “Not while you’re so sad.”

She lifts her eyes to the clouds again. “So this is what goodbye feels like.”

“No,” I growl. The apology in her eyes breaks my heart.

“We have to say goodbye,” she whispers. “I leave in a few hours.”

I wipe away the tears on her cheeks. “We aren’t going to say goodbye because this isn’t the end of us. It’s only the beginning.”

She squeezes her eyes shut and more tears roll down into her hair, and I can’t do anything but press kisses to the path they left behind. I hate how helpless I feel.

“If we don’t say goodbye, then what do we say?”

“Look at me.” I don’t speak again until her big brown eyes are locked on mine. “This isn’t goodbye.”

“We can’t pretend that everything is going to be the same.”

“
Hello
, Cally.”

“William—”

“It doesn’t need to be the same. I love you, and I’m telling you
hello
.” My chest burns with this tightness, but I reign in my emotions, knowing I have to hold us both together. “Hello, Cally.”

She wraps her arms around me and pulls me close again. A tear that isn’t hers splashes onto her cheek. I bury my face in her neck to hide my own fear, and she whispers, “Hello.”

“
I
N ONE
hundred feet, turn left onto Dreyer Avenue,” my GPS instructs.

I inch forward, peering out my windshield and scanning the manicured lawn to the left for any sign of a road where there is nothing but grass.

“Recalculating,” the computerized voice tells me. Her tone suggests frustration with my inability to follow simple instructions. “In one hundred feet, take a U-turn, then turn right on Dreyer Avenue.”

“There is no Dreyer effing Avenue.” I pound on my steering wheel. This is the fifth time since I returned to Middle-of-Lots-of-Cornfields Indiana that the fucker has tried to turn me into someone’s yard. Thirty minutes ago, she repeatedly directed me to drive right into the damn river. Good thing I decided to drop the girls off at the hotel when we got to town, lest they see their big sister go homicidal on an electronic gadget.

Yanking at the wheel with unnecessary force, I pull the car over and throw it into park. My chest is tight and my eyes burn with tears I swore I wouldn’t shed today. I made it through the last month without crying. I won’t cry now.

It’s bad enough that I’ve been reduced to this. Bad enough that I have to rely on my estranged father at all. Bad enough that I have to track his hippie ass down since he’s too goddamned paranoid to carry a cell phone. But here I am.

“You shouldn’t hate him so much,”
my mom told me six months ago.
“He hasn’t had an easy life.”

“I don’t hate him. I’m ambivalent.”

But that was before Mom’s “heart attack” (code for
drug overdose
that may or may not fool my sisters). That was before the funeral and the grief and the bills. That was before my life disintegrated around me, as if it were built of nothing but dust.

I’m exhausted, one sister hates me and the other isn’t speaking, and my ass is sore from being stuck in this car.

Fresh air. That’s all I need. Then I’ll follow the road back toward the highway and ask a gas station attendant for help.

I unbuckle and step out onto the paved street. God, it feels good to stretch.

I can’t get over how
green
everything is. It’s as if I’ve forgotten the color can exist in nature. The scent of cut grass is almost as rejuvenating as a solid night’s sleep for my state of mind. The air is warm and sticky, and children are playing in the sprinkler on a front lawn down the street.

I remember doing that as a kid. Before the move. Before the end of our world as we knew it. Is it too late to give my sisters a chance at that childhood?

Doubt lodges like a soggy lump in my throat.

“Can I help you?”

I snap my head up, startled. “No, I’m good. I—” My eyes connect with the owner of the voice, and I lose my capacity for speech.

“Holy shit.” The Adonis from my past narrows his eyes. “Cally?”

The sound of my name on his tongue catapults me back in time and suddenly I’m sixteen again, his cool cotton sheets sliding against my skin as his fingertips trace the line of my jaw, the hollow of my neck, the curve of my hip. I’m sixteen again and licking sweet strawberry wine from his lips.

Time has been kind to William Bailey. Bare-chested and glistening with sweat, he has an iPod strapped around his thick biceps and a T-shirt tucked into the side of his running shorts. He’s bigger than he was at eighteen, more built, which is saying something since he was New Hope High School’s star football player back then. My gaze drifts south but gets snagged at the ripple of his abs and the trail of blond hair disappearing into the band of his shorts.

Sweet Jesus.

The sound of him clearing his throat has me yanking my eyes back up to meet his.

“Look at you. You’re all grown up.” He grins, and my knees go a little weak. How could I have forgotten the effect this man’s smile has on my knees?

“I could say the same for you.” I bite my lip. Hopefully no drool has escaped.

That knee-killing grin grows wider. I’m toast.

This isn’t what I expected. Not that I expected anything from William. I
hoped
to make it through my few days in town without seeing him, but of course not. Here he is. Looking for all the world like he’s actually glad to see me when he should hate me.

“You live here? I mean around—”
Shit.
How am I supposed to construct a coherent sentence while looking at his bare chest? And that’s not even taking into account the memories flooding my mind at the sight of him. I may have never had sex with him, but I have enough memories of doing
everything else
to rival even the most creative fantasies.

Shifting my gaze to those deep blue eyes is no better. A girl doesn’t forget those eyes watching her as their owner slides his hand between her legs for the first time.

I study the ground and wave a hand to indicate the spot where Dreyer Avenue definitely is
not
. “I’m looking for my dad.”

“You’re in the wrong neighborhood.” His voice has that low, delicious treble that makes my insides shimmy.

When I sneak a peek up at him through my lashes, I catch him studying me with his own assessing gaze.

I can imagine what he sees. We’ve been on the road for two days, pulling off only for gas and restroom breaks. We stopped in Kansas last night so I could get a few hours of sleep, and then it was back in the car at four a.m. for another full day today.

I would categorize my ensemble as “road trip chic.” My snug-fitting black yoga pants end just below my knees, and I’m wearing a T-shirt that says
Peanut butter jelly time!
The outfit is topped off with bright orange flip-flops and the ponytail I threw my hair into this morning.

So, you know, the exact outfit I
wouldn’t
have chosen to be wearing for a reunion with my first love.

I lean into my car for the scrap of paper with Dad’s address and shove it into William’s hand. “Can you help me find this?”

He doesn’t look at the paper but frowns at me. “Seriously? You’re lost?” He pauses a beat. “In New Hope?” His tone suggests that I’ve gotten myself lost in a paper bag. And, okay, New Hope
is
pretty damn small, but I haven’t lived here in seven years, and it’s changed a lot. The good areas are all run down now, the factories are closed, and the vast expanses of open land by the river have been developed into fancy neighborhoods with yuppy McMansions so ostentatious I can practically smell their oversized mortgages.

“My GPS keeps trying to get me to drive into the river.”

At least that wipes the scowl off his face. “Yeah, GPS systems haven’t kept up with the developments around here real well.” He rubs the back of his neck, and the movement sends the muscles in his arm and shoulder flexing. Between his sweaty muscles and my memories, I’m pretty sure my panties have all but disintegrated.

I clear my throat and resort to asphalt-gazing again. How hard is it to put on a shirt? “If you can point me in the right direction, I’ll get out of your hair. I’m sure I’m the last person you wanted to see today.”