Wishful Thinking (a journey that will change lives forever) (8 page)

Were the great job and the fancy apartment enough? Would the nights out with the girls – what single ones were left, that is – keep her going for the rest of her days?  Was female friendship and companionship enough?  Did a girl really need something to come home to at the end of every day? Something other than the cat?

In the years immediately following Noah’s departure, Dara tried not to analyse it too much.  Anyway, she was having too much fun enjoying life to think seriously about it.  Yes, she’d had her perfect man but she’d lost him.  She’d get over it.  She’d messed up, she knew that, but it wasn’t the end of the world.  There would be other men.

And there were – lots of them.  But none of them came close to Noah.  There wasn’t the same sparkle, the same fun, the same attraction.  The men she met were bland and superficial in comparison.

And soon, everyone else’s reaction to Dara’s single state began to get her on nerves.  All the loaded remarks from her family, the not-so-subtle questioning from her married friends, the whispering behind her back.  The way they went on, you’d swear that hitting the age of thirty without a man was something to be ashamed of! 

“I know what you’re doing,” Serena informed her one day over lunch, after Dara’s latest romance had gone by the wayside. “You’re still waiting around for someone to live up to
him
, aren’t you?” Her younger sister sat forward.  “Dara, someone like that doesn’t exist, not outside your mind anyway. So you have to let go and start looking for someone who makes you happy, and who you make happy in return.  It doesn’t all have to be hearts and flowers and weak-at-the-knees stuff.  If you just forget about your high standards, then you might be in with some chance of finding a guy that’ll live up to bloody Noah Morgan!”

But Serena was wrong. Dara didn’t have high standards, or any standards at all – no measurement existed that could live up to Noah.

Eventually though, she did begin to wonder.  If it had been so easy for Noah to move on and forget about her, so easy for him to live his life with somebody else, despite what they’d had, then maybe she too should think about moving on. 

So when Mark with his boundless optimism and happy-go-lucky personality began to take a determined interest in her, Dara left herself open to the possibility of a real future with him. She couldn’t go wrong, could she? He was respectful, warm-hearted, reliable … an all-round nice guy, who she knew instinctively would never let her down.

No, he didn’t have the same animal magnetism that Noah did, but you couldn’t have everything.

So was her sister right after all? Was that enough? Could she go through life without the passion and romance that fuelled her relationship with Noah? Did she need the grand gestures, the fiery arguments, the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be near him all the time, of being lost without him?

Perhaps not.

With Mark, well, they had fun, they shared a few interests, they had a similar outlook, and she knew that she could trust him implicitly.  Again, there was no great passion, no sense of overwhelming desire, but it was better than nothing, wasn’t it?

“What? What planet are you on?” Ruth had almost taken her head off, when one day at work, Dara had innocently aired her feelings on the subject. 

Both manless for long spells, the two girls spent many hours bemoaning their single state, and many more hours trying to do something about it.  At the time, Dara hadn’t been seeing Mark all that long and Ruth knew nothing of her still-lingering feelings for Noah.  All Ruth knew back then was that Dara had been in a serious relationship a few years back, but it had ended badly.

“‘Any man is better than no man?’” Ruth cried.  “Have you been so brainwashed by that backward family of yours, that you now feel subhuman just because you’re not married?”

Dara smiled.  Ruth had an endearing tendency to overstate things at times.  “Look,” she began, “you and I both know that this so-called independent-women thing – in this country anyway – is a complete con, it’s all a big cover-up. Yes, we can earn our own money, buy our own houses, and change our own spare wheels, but no matter what way you look at it, deep down we’re all still judged by whether or not we have a man at our side.”

“Speak for yourself,” Ruth said huffily.

“Look, we all grew up on the Prince Charming fairytales – we all believed our ‘special someone’ was out there, didn’t we?”  Dara shrugged her shoulders. “All I’m saying is that maybe in real life, that’s not the way it works.”

“But I still believe that!” Ruth cried. “Otherwise, I’ve wasted years waiting for the perfect man, waiting for the perfect relationship when many times over I could have settled for less.  I’ve given up on relationships that were good, but not great – because all the time I was sure there was something better – do you know what I mean?”

Dara knew. Except for her, things had worked in reverse. She’d had the perfect man from the very beginning, and it was only recently that she’d experienced the ‘good, but not great’ phenomenon.  “Look, all I’m saying is that lately I’m getting tired of being the odd one out.  I look at my friends and even my younger sisters are paired off.” Amy and Serena both had serious boyfriends. “So eventually you start to wonder, why isn’t it happening to me? What’s wrong with me that I haven’t found my special someone? And soon, you begin to feel lonely and vulnerable and a bit … worthless.  And the only thing that’ll solve that problem for you is a man – any man.” She sipped her coffee. “I’m sure it happens all the time. People get tired of looking, tired of waiting for the perfect man. 
Maybe he doesn’t really exist, Ruth. Maybe it’s all a big lie – yet another occasion dreamt up by the Hallmark Greeting Card Corporation.”

“Now I’m depressed,” Ruth said, meaning it.

Dara laughed.  “I didn’t mean to depress you, but what I’m saying is that perhaps what I’ve got with Mark Russell now is enough. I had my Prince Charming and I lost him.  I don’t think there’s another one out there, so maybe I should just cut my losses and get on with my life.”

“But what if that guy wasn’t really him?”

“What?”

“The thought’s never even crossed your mind, has it?” Ruth said, shaking her head. “And I think this could be part of the problem.” She looked at Dara meaningfully. “What if that old boyfriend you’re talking about with wasn’t really The One – the man of your dreams? What if you got it all wrong?”

Dara said nothing.  She didn’t even want to consider that prospect.

“Life works in mysterious ways, that’s all I’m saying.” Ruth sat back and folded her arms across her chest. “So if you settle for nice, reliable Mark in the meantime, then you’re not just cutting your losses, you’re also obliterating your gains.”

“Spoken like a true woman of the law!” Dara said, lightening the mood, and immediately discounting everything her friend had to say.

Mark was a good guy, and perhaps they would be very happy together.  All Dara had to do now was convince Ruth of that fact, and everything would work out just fine.

Louise stared at the passport photograph for a very long moment, wondering why the face looked so familiar.  She knew this guy from somewhere, didn’t she? 

Then again, she thought, setting the document back down and fiddling with a strand of blonde hair, didn’t she
always
think she recognised the people from this particular file?   It was just one of those strange things, that was all.

“You’re too sentimental,” her mother used to say, and Louise knew she was right.  She
was
too sentimental – and, by rights, she should feel nothing other than detached sympathy for the names on the photocopied passports that crossed her desk from month to month.  But instead, she always felt incredibly sorry for them.

She did a quick search on the individual’s name through the computer, but nothing came up, no account information, no outstanding lending, nothing. This guy wasn’t one of theirs then. With a short sigh, Louise ticked off his name, and went onto the next name on the list.  Right from the very beginning of her job here, she’d found it difficult to probe into a newly deceased person’s financial affairs – there was something slightly tawdry about it.  But probate investigations were not only part of the job, but also necessary by
law, and every financial institution in the country, including Advanced Credit Services had to co-operate.

But Louise still hated the idea.

She felt a slight rumbling in her tummy and looked up the clock. Almost twelve o’clock and she was due to go to lunch at one.  With the way she was feeling today, she’d love to break out and have a nice bar of chocolate or a packet of crisps, but no, those days were well and truly over.  A girl had to make sacrifices to stay a size eight and, boy, did Louise make those sacrifices!

Speaking of passport photographs, she really should get some new ones done.  Her passport would be out of date soon anyway, and it would be nice to have a new glamorous and thin photograph of herself, instead of the podgy-faced eleven-stone person that was on it at the moment. 

She smiled.  She’d definitely have to get her passport sorted if she was going to go on that big Christmas shopping trip to New York the girls were planning in December.  That would be great fun. Louise had always wanted to visit New York – it seemed like such a glamorous, lively place.  Still, she thought with a faint unease, if she wanted to go she would have to cut down on the late nights for a while, otherwise her finances wouldn’t get her as far as Kildare! 

“Louise!” Fiona’s head appeared above the partition of Louise’s work cubicle.  “Guess what? Jigsaw are having a twenty-per-cent-off sale – today only! Let’s grab something from a deli and go straight down there at lunchtime – what do you think?” 

Fiona’s dark eyes shone with exhilaration, and Louise knew why.  Jigsaw had a fantastic range this season. 

Despite herself, she was tempted.  She’d love to go clothes shopping …  “I don’t know, Fiona, the finances are a bit low this month and – ”

“But you don’t have to buy anything if you don’t want to, do you?” Fiona teased, knowing full well that on Grafton Street, this was almost impossible.  “But I really need something new – I’ve nothing for Thursday night. What are you wearing by the way?”

“Thursday night?” Louise looked blank.

“The hen night?  Don’t tell me you’d forgotten about it?”

Shit, yes, Louise
had
forgotten about that.  And she really wished Fiona hadn’t reminded her because yet another night out on the town drinking apple martinis and champagne cocktails with the girls – never mind the clubbing afterwards – was really going to put a massive dent in her finances. 

“You
did
forget, didn’t you?” Fiona laughed at her workmate’s expression.  “Better not tell Gemma that – she’d be very upset!” Gemma was another work friend who was getting married soon.  But the get-together Thursday night was only a precursor to the main event at the weekend – a four-night hen
weekend
in Marbella.

Louise was really looking forward to that, and as she didn’t know Gemma all that well, was especially pleased to have been asked.  So, as an invited guest, it would be very rude of her to duck out of the
pre
-hen night, wouldn’t it?   And knowing the girls, who spent cash like it was going out of fashion, all this was really going to cost her a fortune.  Louise did a quick mental calculation – she’d already paid for the tickets to Spain and the hotel, so all she needed was enough for drinks and food and then, she remembered, her stomach turning … then there was the outlay for attending Gemma’s wedding. 

“Sorry, Fiona,” Louise said with as much firmness as she could muster, all the time knowing that her friend would not be impressed. “I’d love to go shopping with you at lunchtime, but I really am strapped for cash.”

Fiona’s animated expression changed immediately.  “I really don’t know
what
you do with your money, Louise Patterson,” she said huffily. “You get paid the same as the rest of us, and
we
all manage fine, so where does all the money go? Anyone would think you had gambling debts or something!”

With that Fiona turned on her heel and marched back towards her own cubicle at the top of the room.

For a long moment, Louise stared unseeingly at her computer monitor, her mind going over Fiona’s last comment.  Her friend wouldn’t fall out with her over something as simple as not going shopping, would she?  Though Louise supposed she was lucky that Fiona was her friend at all – it wasn’t all that long ago that someone like Fiona wouldn’t look twice at her.  So, she really should count herself lucky that she had a friend in Fiona, because without friends, what else did she have?

“Fiona, wait!” Louise stood up and called after her.  “I’m going with you.  Meet you at the escalators at one?”

Fiona swung around and her features broke into a large smile as, walking backwards, she nodded. “Good woman!”

Sitting back down at her desk, Louise took a deep breath and allowed herself a little smile.  To hell with her finances!  She’d go shopping at lunchtime and if she saw something she liked, well, she’d go and buy it. And if, with all that was happening over
the next few weeks, her finances got out of hand, well, she could always just top up her loan, couldn’t she?  After all, she worked in the right place for that!

Yes, Louise decided, trying to push the guilty thoughts that were threatening completely out of her mind.  So what if she was in debt?  Life was too short for worrying about something as stupid and inconsequential as money, wasn’t it?  Of course it was – way too short.  Something she herself knew only too well. 

*******

It had happened almost three years before, shortly after Louise’s twenty-first birthday, and well before she moved to Dublin.  

Still attending university, she’d been living at home in Cork at the time, and one evening she was on her way home from her part-time job in Roches, the busy city centre department store.  It was getting close to Christmas, so late-night shopping was in full swing, and while Louise didn’t usually work late nights, the overtime rate was great, and the additional cash would be much needed to pay for Christmas presents and the like. 

The evening was dark, cold and wet and Louise didn’t remember much other than standing shivering at the lights at Patrick Street Bridge, while waiting for the red pedestrian light to change to green.  Her sister Heather was duty manager in the Metropole, a popular hotel on the other side of the river, and was also due to finish work shortly.  So, that evening, instead of having to wait in the cold for a bus out to the suburbs, Louise would be getting a lift home in her sister’s ancient – but warm – car.  She couldn’t wait.

The pedestrian light finally changed to green, and stupidly – she remembered thinking afterwards – without looking, she immediately stepped out onto the road. 

Right into the path of a speeding car.

The next thing she remembered was waking up in Cork University Hospital, bound up and in traction, Heather’s earnest and worried face looking down at her.  Heather was Louise’s only sister and her only remaining family member – the girls having lost both parents to cancer in Heather’s late teens.  Roger had gone first and Bridget – her illness greatly exacerbated by her husband’s death – had died a year later.

“You’re awake!” Heather cried in relief, and went to embrace her.  But Louise was too full of morphine to even sense her older sister’s touch, let alone understand what had happened to her. 

Apparently she had broken an arm, fractured her hip and thigh “with a shattered tibia thrown in for good measure,” the doctor explained.  The driver, a Dublin businessman in an apparent hurry (and with a few drinks in him) had failed to stop at the red light, and had thrown Louise five feet into the air. 

This had resulted in a two-month stay in the hospital for Louise, but as the driver had been charged with drunk and dangerous driving, the insurance company very quickly paid out a sum to go towards her hospital bills.  While the guy had admitted liability, what had really hurt Louise was the lack of an apology or even a simple ‘get well’ card from him.  Apparently, he was such an important man that he wanted the episode dealt with as quickly as possible, and had little time for such pleasantries.

At the time though, Louise was in college at UCC and was barely scraping by on her part-time wages, so the insurance payout had been a godsend.  Heather, although doing well in her chosen hospitality career, had also been unable to contribute much to her sister’s hospital and rehabilitation bills, so they were both grateful the insurance company had paid out so soon.  Additionally, Heather was due to get married in the New Year, and had postponed her big day as a result of Louise’s prolonged hospital stay.

What the girls hadn’t bargained on, though, were some additional complications – namely a recurring back injury, some ten months after the crash.  Louise needed further rehabilitation, and much to her disappointment, was deemed by the doctors unable to continue with her Physical Education degree in college. 

As the insurance company had already contributed to her initial hospital bills, Louise had no choice but to take on a large Credit Union loan to pay for her additional medical costs.  At twenty-two, personal health insurance was the last thing on Louise’s mind, and much as it bothered her, she eventually agreed to Heather’s tentative suggestion that they sell the family home to help make the repayments.  The decision was greatly helped by the fact that Heather had in the meantime married her Welsh boyfriend of three years, and was then making plans to move to Cardiff with him. 

So, denied of her initial choice as a result of her injuries, Louise set about finding herself another career.  Although she was greatly tempted to stay in Cork where all her friends were, she found that due to her back injury in particular, potential work choices were limited.  Then, when she was offered what seemed like a most attractive opportunity to work flexible hours at a new Dublin company, Advanced Credit Services, Louise found she really couldn’t turn it down.  Also, after the difficulties she’d had recently, the idea of packing up and starting afresh in another city – like Heather was doing – appealed to her enormously.    

So, Louise, no longer quite as bashed, but still a little bruised, moved to Dublin to start her new job and her new life, leaving her home town – and, she hoped, her recent run of rotten luck – far behind.