Witchful Thinking (22 page)

Maybe in an attempt to pull attention away from the fact that I was beginning to freak out over my inability to reanimate anyone, Mercedes scheduled a lesson for me. This one was on magic, and my teacher was Mathilda.

“Mercedes informed me that you are having difficulty resurrecting your gift, child?” Mathilda questioned in her clear voice.

I sighed deeply. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

She nodded and took my hand, leading me across the manicured rose gardens of Pelham Manor.

“You have much going on, Jolie,” she said softly. “Mercedes sent me to help you through it, to coax your magic.”

I smiled and accepted her outstretched hands. She closed her eyes and her lips twitched; I imagined she was chanting something to herself. When she opened her eyes, gold flecks appeared for a mere instant then melted back into hazel.

“You are troubled, I can feel it in you,” she whispered. “Tell me why.”

“Rand.” It was the first thought that came into my head. “He knows I was his bond mate.”

Mathilda smiled, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe this was news to her as well. I never had gotten the whole story when it came to whether or not Mathilda remembered me from 1878.

“Did you know I was his bond mate?” I asked.

She shook her head and smiled knowingly. “No, though I did suspect.”

“But you were the one to erase his memory of me?”

Mathilda nodded slowly, as if this were a long and complicated subject that required just the right words. “I knew only that I had to help Rand through the loss of his beloved. I did not know why, or who she was. Mercedes must have imprinted those instructions upon me, and in the process I believe I erased not only Rand’s memories but mine as well.”

I nodded, thinking her response made sense. Mercedes was a secretive person, and it seemed she did everything according to some grand plan that existed in her head. I guessed this was no different.

“And Rand’s reaction to your news?” Mathilda asked.

“He didn’t take it well.”

Mathilda tightened her hold on my hands. “You must understand, child, how difficult it was for him upon your departure. He wanted nothing more than to remember you, to preserve the memories of your time together, but little by little those memories began to eat away at his sanity. Before long he was ill, deathly so.
Even though I did not have the wherewithal to understand his pain, nor for whom he lamented, I did what I was instructed to do and nursed him through the darkness, brought him to the light again. He nearly died in the process.”

I felt something burst inside me and felt like I wanted to cry. I’d never heard Mathilda’s side of the story before; listening to it now left me empty.

Mathilda closed her eyes again and her lips started quivering. “I can feel a block within you,” she whispered.

“A block?”

She nodded, then clenched her eyes shut even more tightly as she continued moving her lips in time with her thoughts. When she opened her eyes, they were narrowed, angry. “Someone has shielded you.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Through magic, someone has blocked your ability, put a stopper on your magical flow.”

“But—” I started, my thought disappearing into the air.

“Has anything out of the ordinary happened to you recently? Perhaps a stranger you came across, a dream you had?”

I felt my heart rate increase. “That vision,” I said and glanced down at her with wide eyes. “I had that bizarre vision about the Lurkers, remember?”

Mathilda merely nodded. “You believe the Lurkers possess magic …”

“I’m convinced of it.”

“Perhaps you are correct, child. Perhaps it was their magic that dampened your abilities.”

“So how do I get my powers back? How do we reverse the shield?”

Mathilda smiled and stroked the surface of my hand gently. “Close your eyes and focus with me, Jolie. I
cannot do this alone; you must force your magic to the forefront, allow it to overcome the block.”

“What if I can’t, what if it doesn’t work? What if I have no power or magic left?” My tone increased in urgency as terror began to spiral through me.

“Jolie, calm down,” Mathilda said forcefully, her lips tight. “It is merely a block, that is all.”

I nodded and closed my eyes, willing my fears to retreat. “What do I do?”

“Summon your power, allow your magic to flow like a river throughout your body, replenishing you, flowing freely through you.”

I focused and imagined my magic and power building in a furious momentum against the shield, pushing against it, forcing it to loosen. I could feel heat rising within me as beads of perspiration broke out along my hairline. I clenched my eyes tighter and imagined the light of my power, of my magic growing brighter and stronger, overcoming the pebble of dissidence within me.

“I can feel your power building, child.”

I tightened my hold on Mathilda’s hands and continued my thoughts, imagined myself screaming from the very bottom of my soul, screaming out against the shield, screaming out against the wall that was holding back my abilities. I could feel fury rising within me, cresting and riding the tide of my magic, building and growing until power emanated through me. Electricity sprang from my fingertips, bouncing off Mathilda’s own powerful aura.

“Now, Jolie, destroy the block now.”

I felt my power almost go on autopilot as it surged up within me. I imagined the flow roaring through me, busting through the shield and dissolving it into a million pieces, only to consume it in a whirlwind of power.

I opened my eyes and found myself panting.

“You did it,” Mathilda beamed up at me, her smile wide. “I do not feel the shield any longer.”

“Then my ability to reanimate our soldiers has returned?” I asked, winded.

“I believe so,” Mathilda said with a grin. She then dropped my hands as she started for the house again. I easily caught up with her and walked alongside, wondering if she was right.

“I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,” I said.

“It has.”

I was quiet for a few seconds as I considered the fact that my magic lesson for the day had just been derailed. “Is Mercedes going to be upset with you that we didn’t have a lesson?”

Mathilda glanced up at me in surprise. “Oh, but we did.”

“We did?” I repeated.

She nodded. “I just taught you how to reverse shields.”

“Ha, two birds with one stone.”

She just smiled knowingly.

Once we entered the house, I felt myself subconsciously searching for Rand. The need to see him was almost suffocating. From past experience, I expected to find him in his library, so I decided to check there first.

I hurried up the stairs, a flurry of butterflies in my stomach as I wondered exactly what I’d say to Rand once I found him.

The library was at the far end of the hall, and I jogged the rest of the way. In my urgency I didn’t even knock on the door, just threw it open, and immediately I noticed Rand sitting in one of his armchairs. He was staring into the fireplace even though there wasn’t a fire. Regardless, he looked tired, as if he bore the weight of the world on his shoulders.

At my brusque intrusion, he glanced up at me and
swallowed, but said nothing. I closed the door behind me, steeling my courage and begging my heartbeat to slow as I turned to face him again.

“We need to talk,” I said in a strained voice.

“Very well,” was all he said. I approached him and thought about sitting in the chair just beside him; then I thought better of it, since I had too much nervous energy to sit. Instead I stood behind the leather armchair and held on to its stiff back, my stomach now in my throat.

“I’m tired of you ignoring me,” I began.

“I haven’t been ignoring you,” he interrupted.

“What would you call it? Avoiding me? That works too.”

He shook his head. “I’ve needed time to think, Jolie, to digest everything you told me.”

“Well, I hope you’ve had plenty of time to think about our … bonding.”

He stood up and sighed as he walked over to the mantel and leaned against it. He ran his hands through his hair and let his attention drop to the floor before looking at me again.

“I have thought about it a great deal, yes.” He paused. “It seems to be the only subject occupying my mind lately.”

“Then why haven’t you at least paid me the courtesy of speaking to me?” I asked, wanting to cut to the chase.

“Because I’m angry,” he said curtly and his eyes burned with it.

Just then something inside me burst. A dam that I’d been erecting to hold back my emotions gave way and tides of pain and anger roared into me.

“Why are you angry?” I demanded, crossing my arms against my chest.

“Exactly how long were you going to wait before telling me that you were my bond mate?”

I gulped, suddenly feeling very guilty. “Rand, we aren’t bonded now, so at first I figured there was no point in telling you.”

“No point to telling me?” he repeated incredulously. “That should have been the first thing out of your bloody mouth!”

“I didn’t want to upset you,” I said in a soft voice.

“Why would you think I’d be upset?”

“I was just worried that maybe you wouldn’t take it well. I knew how much you suffered when you thought your bond mate was dead. I just didn’t think it was a good idea to bring that up again, not when I wanted to focus on our future, on what we could be together.”

“I would have come to terms with the information eventually, but now I have to deal with the fact that you kept this to yourself. It doesn’t bode well for your role as Queen.”

“What does my being Queen have to do with this?”

“Because everything you think and do, every action you take is a test, Jolie. A test of your character. How can you hope to be a strong and powerful monarch when you couldn’t even admit this to me?”

I gulped. “I figured no harm, no foul.” As soon as the words were out, I regretted them.

Rand shook his head and laughed acidly, like I just didn’t get it. “No harm, no foul? Are you kidding?”

“No, I’m not kidding,” I said archly. “Rand, I didn’t want to tell you because I was protecting you. I was thinking of what was best for you.”

“Did you honestly think I couldn’t handle the truth? That I wasn’t strong enough?”

“No, of course not. I just … just thought you would be happier not knowing. I mean, why would I want to hurt you?”

“I’ve lived through a lot, Jolie, and I’ve dealt with ugly situations and uncomfortable truths many times. I can
handle anything as long as I know where I stand, as long as there is transparency.” He paused for a second and then shook his head. “I thought you and I were far beyond this, that we respected each other enough to say anything.”

“I do respect you, Rand. I just … I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You should have left that decision to me,” he said and his lips were tight. “If we don’t have honesty between us, what do we have?”

“I’m sorry,” I admitted and sounded defeated. “I honestly thought I was making the best decision.”

“As Queen, you will be put in much tougher situations and you’ll be forced to have much more difficult conversations.”

“And I will handle them when the time comes,” I spat out.

He shook his head and paced forward a few steps, his hands fisted at his sides. “For over one hundred years I’ve had to wake up every morning feeling as if there is something lacking in my life, as if there is a part of me that is empty. Sometimes I lie awake at night trying to remember, forcing myself to conjure up at least one memory of my lover, but of course I never succeed.” He paused for a moment or two and then faced me again. “Don’t you think I would have welcomed the idea that this woman was you all along, and she wasn’t dead? Don’t you think it would have been an incredible consolation to me to know that I was given a second chance?”

Some of the anger within me abated as I considered the situation from his perspective. And the remaining anger turned to guilt as I realized this was my fault.

“Again, I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what else I can say.”

“You’re not a little girl. Sorry can’t erase the fact that
you should have respected me enough to tell me.” He turned away and I could see the strain in his shoulders.

“Rand, of course I respect you.” I approached him and placed my hand on his shoulder. “I respect you more than anyone I know.”

He turned to face me again and lifted my hand from his shoulder, only to release it coldly. “You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Please, Rand.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to excuse myself and get back to my … work.”

It was like he’d slapped me. Mortified, I suddenly felt all of two feet tall and quickly shrinking, reduced to mere inches by the man I loved with all my heart. He wanted nothing more to do with me. It was as obvious as the frown on his face.

“Rand, this can’t be it,” I said in a small voice.

“There’s nothing more to say, Jolie.”

“You aren’t the least bit happy to know it was me all along?” I demanded.

He glanced at me again with hardened eyes. “I’ve been so preoccupied by the fact that you had no intention of ever telling me, I admit, I have found little cause to celebrate.”

That was enough for me. I showed myself out, slamming the door behind me. I took the steps two at a time, wanting only to escape, to get as far away from Rand as I could. Things were suddenly crystal clear for me.

My life was no longer my own—I’d been put into position of Queen even though I’d never fully accepted it. The man I loved didn’t support me and probably never would. It was time to take matters into my own hands. It was time to stop taking orders and start giving them. It was time to live my life the way
I
wanted to and that was exactly what I intended to do.