With Every Breath (37 page)

She set her pencil down, surprised at the truth of the thought that flitted into her mind. What if Trevor never caught tuberculosis and he lived to be ninety? Her fear would have cost her the joy of
sharing her life with the one man on the planet who challenged and thrilled her every moment she worked alongside him. Yes, he could catch tuberculosis and die within a year, but he might
never
get the disease and the effect would be the same. He would be lost to her because she was too cowardly to face her fears.

As soon as Mr. Moreno hung up the telephone, Irene pounced. “You should use a toothpick after meals,” she said helpfully. “I can show you.”

Kate intervened before Irene could embarrass herself any further. “Irene, why don’t you go down the hall and pick up today’s mail. It ought to be here by now.”

Mr. Moreno sent Kate a relieved smile as Irene flounced out of the office. No clerk wanted to be caught tampering with the boss’s daughter.

The postal delivery to Justice Bauman’s office usually filled an oversized bin, and today was no exception. Legal journals, official correspondence, and letters written from all over the country flooded the office every day. She quickly pulled all the fat legal journals into a stack, then began flipping through the letters to pull out government correspondence that needed quick attention.

A small, square envelope plopped onto her lap. She would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

Why was Trevor writing to her? Her name was boldly scrawled across the front of the envelope, and her mouth went dry as she tore it open. In typical Trevor fashion, the note was short and brusque.

Kate,

Tell Irene to stay away from the hospital. She is distracting the orderlies. Besides, you should not be coercing Irene to do your dirty work.

Trevor

Kate bit her lip, knowing she had been caught. How was she going to learn what was going on with Trevor if Irene was banished from the hospital?

That last line caught her attention. Trevor never misspoke. His words were chosen with the precision of a surgeon selecting the correct tool. He always meant
exactly
what he said, and he told her to quit using Irene to do her dirty work.

A thrill of excitement rippled through her.

Kate sensed a challenge in the words, and she never backed down from a challenge.

* * * *

Kate used her lunch hour to go to the hospital.

This was a big gamble. Maybe she was reading too much into the note and Trevor would throw her out. As long as she lived, she would never forget those fleeting moments in the storage closet when Trevor’s famous control snapped as he shouted at her,
“You’re
like sunlight and water and air to me. . . . I love
you, but you don’t know the meaning of the
word. You only love when it’s easy. . . .”

He’d been right in his accusation. Her marriage to Nathan had been easy. Falling in love with Trevor had been easy too. It was living with him that would be hard. It had been five months since she’d seen him, but her feelings hadn’t faded, and she doubted they ever would. She was going to need to accept the hard with the easy if she could ever share a life with Trevor. She wasn’t ready to give up on him. Not yet.

Henry must have been absent today, for Trevor was in the laboratory and analyzing slide data when she arrived. His eye was to the microscope as he dictated his observations to Mr. Walsh, the man hired to replace her. The cool professionalism
in Trevor’s voice stirred her. How odd was it to get a thrill from simply listening to a man interpreting a slide sample?

“The presence of hemoglobin remains low, and borderline anemia is suspected,” Trevor said, still looking through the eyepiece. “Please note I want additional serum given to her.”

“Noted,” Mr. Walsh said.

“What were the iron levels on 31F’s sample last week?”

Mr. Walsh noticed Kate standing in the open doorway. “Mrs. Livingston,” he said pleasantly. “How nice to see you again.”

Trevor reared back from the microscope. A flush stained his face and he blinked at her, but he masked his surprise quickly. “Kate,” he said coolly, then removed the specimen slide from beneath the lens. His face looked as if it were carved from stone, yet his eyes glittered with emotion. “You may leave for lunch, Philip. I’d like a word with Mrs. Livingston.”

Mr. Walsh closed the laboratory door when he left. Trevor folded his arms across his chest and shot her a glare that could give her frostbite, but she refused to let him intimidate her.

“You once said I was your sunlight and air,” she said. “Funny, because based on your chilly reception, it appears I’m your arctic blast.”

The corner of his mouth twitched a little. He stifled it before it could break into a smile. “Why are you sending Irene to spy on me?”

“I like sending notes to the patients, and she offered to carry them. It saves on postage.”

“Keep trying, Kate. I cornered her yesterday, and she said you gave her orders to ask Nurse Augusta about me. Where I was and what I had been up to. Why?”

He rapped out the questions like a prosecuting attorney. Like she had something to be ashamed about when he had no con
ception of the strangling fear she endured since learning of his condition.

“I sent her so I could be sure you were still here,” she said in a rush. Her throat started to ache and close up, but she forced herself to continue. “Because I know one day you will simply disappear from this hospital without telling anyone why. And when that day happens, I’ll know it’s because you’re on your way to some sanitarium in New York or Colorado or the Himalayas, because you’re dying and wouldn’t have the human decency to even tell me about it
. That
is why I sent Irene!”

Trevor looked absolutely speechless. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Did he really believe she was so heartless she wouldn’t check up on him?

She planted a hand on his shoulder and shoved him. “You idiot! Don’t you have any idea how terrified I am of you dying? Did you know I begin every Monday with a prayer because that’s the day you get tested, and I pray to God the sample will come out clean?”

He dragged a hand through his hair and gestured to the door. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s take this outside.”

She followed him out of the clinic, their footsteps echoing in the stairwell, where the dank concrete was an oddly comforting and familiar scent. They walked to the side of the hospital where benches had been placed beneath the chestnut trees. The ground was soft from spring rains, and puddles gathered in bare patches in the lawn. Kate was too nervous to sit, and Trevor didn’t seem any more comfortable. He braced one foot on the bench and rested an elbow on his knee, staring off into the distance.

“Tuberculosis is a horrible disease,” he said slowly. “It grinds you down and saps the spirit out of you, but it taught me something. It taught me that life is precious, and sometimes it’s very short. I’ve always accepted that I may not live a long time, and
I’ve vowed never to squander a single day. I can’t promise I’ll be here to grow old with you, but I know I will love you every day of whatever time I have left. I won’t marry a woman I don’t love. If I can’t have you, I’ll go to my grave alone.”

“Why do we have to discuss your grave? Most normal couples don’t even think about such things.”

“You’re the one who won’t let it drop. I never talked about it until you went nosing through my files.”

“If you would quit your job here, it would be a lot easier for me.” There wasn’t an ounce of softening in the steel of his eyes. Wouldn’t a man who loved her be willing to make this concession? But no, this was Trevor McDonough, and he had to win everything. “You’re the most arrogant, hardheaded, and inflexible man. I’m surprised you’re able to walk around with the weight of that ego on your shoulders.”

A little of the steel faded from his eyes, and he looked tired. “Kate, would you just stop? I know it isn’t in you to give up, but I’m asking you to. You can’t beat me into submission. I won’t ever walk away from this disease. It’s what I am called to do.”

“You are ‘called’ to help yourself into an early grave?”

He sighed. “There you go again.”

There was a yelping from somewhere in the distance. It wouldn’t quit, and Kate turned her head to see a familiar golden dog chained to a tree at the far side of the hospital yard.

“Is that Princess?” The dog looked cleaner and healthier than she did before. Trevor smiled and pushed away from the bench.

“Come on,” he said. “It looks like she wants to see you.”

Sure enough, Princess looked happy and healthy, wagging her tail so vigorously her entire body rocked back and forth. She was also wearing a dog collar with her name etched on a brass nameplate. Kate knelt down to give Princess a good rubbing, smiling to herself. This had to be Trevor’s doing, for
who else would have known the proper name to engrave on the nameplate?

“She kept trying to follow me home every day,” Trevor said. “I finally gave up and took her with me. I bring her to the hospital when the weather is good.”

Kate always wanted a dog, but it was impossible at the boardinghouse. Never in a million years would she have expected the fastidious Trevor to accept a dog into his home.

“Maybe there’s hope for you after all,” she said. “If you can welcome a dog into your life, where else might you be willing to change?”

He gave an exasperated sigh. “Kate, what if I went on a nonstop crusade to try to change something about you? What if I suggested your first husband’s untimely death has warped your ability to function as a normal human being? Your fear of my catching tuberculosis, while I cannot say it’s completely unfounded, is overblown and irrational. How would you feel if I belittled your fears and tried to brainwash you to become a different person?”

Her hands stilled on the dog’s fur. She would give
anything
if she could just stop being so afraid. Other women were married to men with dangerous jobs, and they didn’t collapse into blobs of insecurity.

She stood and faced him. “I think I would welcome it.”

For the second time in one day, it appeared as though she’d rendered him speechless. The wind tugged at his jacket and ruffled his hair, but his face remained still as he looked at her, a combination of disbelief and hope in his eyes.

“It won’t be easy,” she warned. “Nathan’s death wiped me out. I quit having nightmares about collapsing scaffolding, but now I have nightmares of a collapsing lung, which is just as bad. Quite frankly, I doubt you have it in you to be able to shake me out of it.”

The dimple appeared on his cheek. “You know I’ve never backed down from a challenge.”

She brushed the dog hair from her hands and stepped closer to him. “That’s what I’m counting on.” She moved even closer, until her nose was only inches from his and she could smell the pine-scented soap he used.

“Figure this out, Trevor. Use that awesome brain of yours to convince me you’re worth the gamble.” She turned and started walking away, throwing one last taunt over her shoulder. “I dare you!”

She wanted to run back and fling herself against him and never let go, but she forced herself to keep walking. She prayed Trevor could find a way to put her fears at ease, because she’d never willingly marry another man who was meant for an early death. She walked faster lest temptation send her fleeing back into his sheltering arms.

* * * *

The boardinghouse dining room was packed, which included Tom Wilkerson from the Patent Office, who was caught up in a debate with Charlie Davis about the upcoming presidential election. Kate tried to stay out of the fray as she weaved between the men, balancing platters of glazed ham steaks with fried apples and parsley potatoes. A knock at the front door turned her head in that direction. She placed the last dish and wiped her hands on her apron as she made her way to the front hall.

It was Trevor. He held a bouquet of roses. “I’ve come for dinner.”

She buried her nose in the velvety petals, inhaling their heady fragrance. It was embarrassing how thrilled the half smile on Trevor’s face made her feel. It had been almost six months since Trevor had been at their dinner table, and she instantly felt a
familiar rush of excitement. She tried to keep the giddiness out of her voice.

“I hope you like ham. And can hold your own while arguing if Grover Cleveland deserves to recapture the White House. Everyone has very strong opinions about it.”

Trevor stepped inside, his voice as warm and rough as woodsmoke as he smiled down at her. “We’re going to have a delightful evening while I slaughter you in a friendly debate about presidential politics,” he said with a gleam in his eyes. “I’ve decided that I may be the luckiest man alive. I have the chance to pursue the woman who was the wildest fantasy of my boyhood. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and the finest statistician any man could hope for.” He leaned in closer, and her heart raced when he kissed the curve of her jaw. His voice then lowered, and he whispered, “And if she mentions the words early grave, painful death, or sputum samples, I will stand up and walk out. Clear?”

Why did she always turn into putty when he was rude to her? He planted another kiss on her forehead and straightened to await her answer. She fought to keep herself from laughing. “You’re stifling my favorite topics.”

“Break it up over there,” Tick called from the dinner table. “The food’s getting cold.”

It was a warm evening, and Trevor shed his suit jacket and pulled up a chair to the packed table. It took Kate a while to get the rest of the meals served, and then she joined the rollicking debate.

That evening set the tone for the rest of the spring. Trevor came to dinner at least three times a week. He was still more of a listener than a talker, but she loved having him at their table, especially after the meal was finished and they slipped into the walled garden behind the house to steal a few minutes alone. She obeyed his rules and never mentioned anything about his
vulnerable health, and those stolen hours became magical. In the privacy of the garden, with fireflies twinkling in the dark and the air perfumed by gardenia blossoms, Trevor let down his guard and became a different person. He was softer out here. Shy people often came off as cold and aloof, but when she was with Trevor in the garden he was the most gentle and tender man she’d ever met.