With or Without You (6 page)

When Tessa stepped out of the bathroom she was dressed, hair done in her usual ponytail and no makeup. Makeover over. “Your turn.”

“Matt called while you were in the shower. I told him you’d call him back.” Brianna grabbed her stuff and hurried into the bathroom. “And I told him we’d go to breakfast.” The door slammed before Tessa could argue.

Fear squeezed her chest. She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. Did she really have anything to worry about? Maybe it would be best if she just stomped into the bathroom and told Brianna the truth.

When Brianna was about fourteen she’d asked about her father. Not the “Where’s my dad?” inquiries she’d made as a little girl, but the developing woman who’d learned about sex in maturation class asked who her
father
was. And she’d wanted to know where he was.

Tessa hadn’t lied. But she couldn’t tell the truth either. So she’d danced around the facts. The one thing she’d never given Brianna, his name. Eventually Brianna quit asking.

Guilt washed over her. She could make things right with one phone call. However, her hand wouldn’t reach for the phone. Too much time had passed. In her heart she believed Brianna would understand. It was Matt’s reaction she feared. Would he hate her? How could he not?

In one afternoon she’d fallen for him all over again. Making love had been an extension of what had always existed in her heart. Her reactions to Matt were as strong today as they were when she was a young girl. But there wasn’t any going back in time. And now, there were too many secrets between them…secrets he could never know. Not after twenty years.

“Did you call him?” Brianna came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head.

“We don’t have time to visit with Matt. I called the front desk. There’ll be a cab out front in thirty minutes to take us to the airport.”

Brianna sat on the edge of the bed. “What happened, Mom? Your hands are shaking. Did he upset you?”

Tessa sat next to her. “It isn’t Matt. He was a perfect gentleman.”

“Not perfect. You came in at five a.m. So you slept with him?”

Brianna had always been open with Tessa about her sex life, but Tessa rarely had any tidbits of news to reciprocate. “Yes, but it won’t be happening again so there’s nothing more to say and no reason to meet Matt for breakfast.”

Brianna’s shoulders slumped and her lips pursed. “It was that bad.”

No, it was that good.

Chapter Five

Matt stood and looked over his surgery schedule. This wasn’t a good time to shift his workload to another surgeon. Turning away from the desk, he walked to the windows overlooking the downtown skyline. The tall buildings reminded him of Los Angeles…of Tessa.

Going back to his desk, he sat in the chair and pulled up the reunion website. She’d left Los Angeles before they’d had a chance to exchange phone numbers and email addresses. If he wanted to see her again, he’d have to go. Not that he wanted to socialize with former classmates, but sometimes the gut had to be trusted. He’d connected with Tessa and more than just physically, although the sex had been incredible too.

After he entered his registration information, the site redirected him to a list of those attending. A smile found his lips. Not only did it give their names, brief bios and a current picture, but it listed emails and phone numbers. Automatically his eyes dropped to the third name on the list. Tessa Brooks.

Without hesitation he picked up the phone on the corner of his desk and dialed the number.

One ring. Two. Three. He glanced at the clock and hung up. She was probably still at work. Just like he should be, but first he needed to book a flight to Salt Lake City. Then he’d see about rescheduling those patients who could wait and referring those who couldn’t to other doctors.

Later that evening, Matt jotted Tessa’s phone number on a prescription pad and slid it into his pocket. As usual, it was dark when he left the hospital. There wasn’t anything to go home to but an empty condo. He tended to patronize the same takeout places on his way home. Not that he minded cooking, but would prefer to cook for someone. He imagined Tessa making dinner for Brianna. While married to Pam, he tried to be home for dinner. Since the divorce, he’d grown accustomed to eating alone. Since dining with Tessa, he realized he missed conversation over a good meal.

After stopping for Chinese food, Matt went home. For the first time in what felt like years, excitement pumped through his veins. Granted, Tessa had practically run from the hotel, but she’d explained—they had an early flight.

He toed off his shoes by the front door, went to the kitchen and set the take-out cartons on the counter. Before he called Tessa he wanted to be comfortable. He jogged up the stairs to the loft bedroom and went to his closet.

Matt didn’t consider himself a neat freak, but the condo was small. So everything had its place. He’d had the big house with Pam. For the last five years he’d kept his life simple. He leased his condo and car, worked too much and avoided long-term commitments…of any kind. Sure, he’d dated some nurses. Fucked a few. Now apparently, and to his own disbelief, he was willing to reconsider his position. He wanted to see Tessa again.

He took her number from the pocket of his trousers then he changed into sweats and a T-shirt.

Adrenaline rushed to his heart. The fast pounding echoed in his ear as he picked up the cordless phone and took it to the kitchen. Scrubbing his whisker-covered jaw, he stared at the number. Then he dialed.

A woman answered on the first ring.

“This is Matt Toler, is Tessa available?”

“Matt,” the girl said excitedly. “It’s Brianna. Yes, she’s here. One moment and I’ll get her.”

He heard the thump of the phone being set down on a table. After about a thirty-second wait he heard muted voices. Another fifteen seconds. Maybe it was a bad time. As much as he wanted to talk with Tessa he could always call back.

“Hello.”

And there was her voice, as smoky and sexy as he remembered. Christ, blood left his brain and surged into his cock. He shifted on the seat. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

This wasn’t exactly stimulating conversation. Tell that to his libido. His heart rate spiked and his palms grew moist. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I hope it’s all right to call. I got your number from the reunion website.”

“It’s fine. The reunion website?”

“Yes, I registered this afternoon. My plane comes in Thursday night.” He steeled his nerves. “I want to see you.”

“I…um… I’ll see you at the reunion.”

This wasn’t exactly the response he expected. He wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. Push? Retreat? “Then I’ll see you Friday night for the mixer.”

“Sure.”

“I’d like another dance.”

Silence.

Matt swallowed the lump in his throat. Disappointment didn’t come close to describing the emotion roiling in his stomach. He hadn’t expected fall-at-his-feet devotion, but a friendly voice and a casual conversation would have been nice. Reciprocation of the strong feelings he had would’ve been better. He must have read her signals wrong. Although he didn’t know how you misinterpreted her legs wrapped around his head while he lapped at her peach of a pussy or when he buried his cock in her hot, honeyed channel. “I’ll let you go,” he said into the phone before he embarrassed himself with heavy panting.

“Thanks for calling. Goodbye, Matt.”

Tessa put her hand to her chest and set the phone on the table. The room started to spin. This wasn’t happening, not possible. Heavy tears filled her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. She pressed trembling fingers to her lips. “I can’t do this. Oh God.”

“Mom?”

Tessa spun around. She hadn’t realized Brianna had come back into the room. Tessa tried to force a smile, but her lips wouldn’t move. Thoughts froze in her brain and time seemed to stand still.

“Mom, what is it? Is it Matt?”

Tessa shook her head then nodded. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. Fear squeezed her chest. Matt was coming to the reunion. He wanted to continue what happened in Los Angeles. And dammit, so did she. “I’m fine.” Tessa blinked quickly and wiped her cheeks with her fingers.

“No you aren’t.” Brianna rushed to her side and pulled her into a hug. “Mom, you’re scaring me. What did Matt say on the phone?”

Tessa gulped air and let it out slowly. “He’s coming to the reunion.”

Brianna smiled wide. “I think that’s wonderful. He must’ve really enjoyed himself. Mom, why are you still crying?”

“You don’t understand.”

Brianna’s head tilted to the side and her eyes sparkled with understanding. “I do. It’s been me and you for so long. Moving forward is going to be difficult.”

How could she tell Brianna that moving on was not the problem, but moving on with her biological father posed a huge complication? She had to tell her the truth.

Suddenly her mouth was dry. She swallowed. Still the words wouldn’t come.

“I know I only met him for a moment, but I liked him.” Brianna stepped away then sat on the couch. “I feel like I already know him from all the stories you’ve told me.”

Yes, stories. Embellishments on events that almost happened. Like when they went to the high school football games, and while yes, they sat by each other, they didn’t arrive or leave together. Or like on the night of the prom when they’d attended the same party. They had common friends, because while they both excelled scholastically, a few of their interests had been the same, but for whatever reason, they’d never become
friends
. Funny how they’d both ended up in the medical field.

Tessa briefly mulled over her memories. Maybe they had spent more time together than she remembered. It didn’t really matter now. Twenty years had passed and her secret had to come out. She knew that. Fear of what he’d say, of what Brianna would want and what their knowing would cost her were the reasons she never tried to contact him over the years. With stark clarity she realized how terribly wrong she’d been to keep the truth from Brianna…and from Matt. Guilt seeped into her psyche.

Tessa took a deep breath and faced Brianna.

And her resolve faltered. First she needed to find the right words.

“Are you excited to see him?”

“I’ll see him at the reunion.” Tessa turned and walked toward the kitchen. Her sanctuary. Nothing bad happened in the heart of the home.

White walls with sunflowers and vines stenciled high in the corners. The painted flowers weaved over the large sliding glass doors. She stepped outside onto the deck.

Tessa didn’t have time to garden and tend to her yard. Once Brianna was old enough to have boyfriends, mowing the lawn somehow became a prerequisite to dating her. One imposed by Brianna. More tears choked Tessa’s throat.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what happened.” Brianna came to stand beside her. “I know you. All of my life you have spoken of Matt Toler. Now when there is a real chance you two could have something cool you’re running scared.”

“Billy must have come by today. The grass looks good.”

“Yes, he mowed and watered. Don’t change the subject. I’ll thank him for you later.” Brianna looked at her watch. “He’s coming over to my apartment tonight.”

“Do I want to hear this?”

“Hey, you had sex with Matt.” She cocked an eyebrow. “And now you won’t talk to him. I know you better than that. You don’t have one-night stands.”

Tessa snorted. “Maybe you don’t know me so well.”

“Oh please, Mother. If Matt hadn’t been your high school sweetheart, you never would’ve fallen back into bed with him.”

Tessa chuckled. “High school sweethearts.” She shook her head. “More like a high school crush.”

Brianna leaned against the railing. She reached out and put her hand on Tessa’s arm. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“That I never had a love affair with Matt Toler. Whatever we did have, I assure you, was one-sided. My side.”

Tessa sat in one of the deck chairs and stared into the night sky. Stars sparkled like the million tiny lies she’d told over the years. Individually they didn’t seem to matter much, now she had a tapestry of mendacious tales and she was unable to distinguish what had been truth and what had been her fabrication.

“Never?” Brianna sat across from her.

Tessa chuckled nervously. “Not exactly never.” Oh God, this was hard. She knew telling the truth would be difficult. Tessa took a deep breath and gave the abridged version of the prom. “I needed a ride home.” Tears burned in her eyes. She couldn’t stop them from streaming down her cheeks.

Brianna’s eyes narrowed as she stared at Tessa, not understanding the full implication. “And?”

“And Matt took me home. He stayed the night at my house because my parents were gone for the weekend.”

“Mom, teenagers have sex on prom night all the time. What I can’t believe is grandpa and grandma missed your prom night.”

One of the reasons Tessa had watched Brianna like a hawk during her high school years. Nursing had allowed her to be home with Brianna in the afternoon. She’d been determined not to let the same fate meet her daughter.

“Matt and I had one night together.”

Brianna’s lips twitched. “No, I think you’ve had two nights together now. And if you’d just see him it could be more.”

“I’m not going to see him again.”

Sweat beaded on Tessa’s chest and trickled between her breasts. Her breath came in shallow pants. She was going to do it. “Brianna, we had one night…in 1988.”

Brianna paused, stared and assimilated what Tessa said. “What are you saying?” Her voice quivered in the still night.

Tessa stood and wiped her palms on her thighs. She swallowed, licked her bottom lip and faced her daughter. With a pounding heart, she inhaled deeply to calm herself. Still her breath came hard and fast. Pressure tightened like a vise on her chest. “You see…” The night air caught in her throat. She coughed and said, “Matt’s your father.”

Silence descended like a shroud of deceit. A pregnant moment passed. Tessa wanted Brianna to scream, yell, anything but the cold, vacant stare.

Finally, she spoke. “You lied to me.” Her forehead scrunched. “All these years you’ve lied about everything.”