Without a Net (17 page)

Maybe this wasn’t the best time, after all.
But if not now, when? The way she’d been avoiding him lately, he felt like he was running out of options.

“Eva…” He hesitated.
“Whatever’s going on, we can work through it, together.”

She slammed the bag down, and it split open along a seam, spilling its contents all over her and the floor.

He bent to help her pick things up.

“Don’t.”
She brushed the garbage from her lap and rose, facing him.

He froze at the grim expression on her face.
“Eva…”

“I’m sorry, Max.
This isn’t working. I can’t do this anymore.”

His stomach dropped.
Coming over tonight, he’d imagined many scenarios. But this wasn’t one of them. He thought Eva would at least listen to what he had to say, give him a chance. Instead, she’d come out with both fists swinging.

Well, he wasn’t going down without a fight.

“What can’t you do, Eva? Have a real relationship? Open up your heart?”

“You don’t understand.
I’m trying to protect my son. I don’t want him to start expecting things only to be disappointed and hurt when you decide it’s no longer amusing to be here.”

Whoa.
Where had that come from? “You’re pushing me out the door before I can even get a foot in.”

“I’m making it easy for you to walk away.
That’s what you’re planning to do anyway. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. It’s your modus operandi.”

He started refute that, but she barreled right over him.
“I’m not like the kindergarten teacher, or the art teacher, or whoever else you dated and then dumped. I have a son who’s my responsibility, full time. I have a career. I can’t drop everything on the spur of the moment to spend time with you.”

“Have I ever asked you to do that?”

She tightened her lips.

“Have I, Eva?
I’ve been remarkably patient and accommodating. I’ve worked around your schedule. I’ve backed off when you said you needed time, space, whatever. I’ve tried not to crowd you. But I can’t hang around the fringes of your world forever, begging for crumbs of your attention. I want to be a part of your life, a part of Ben’s life, share in the things that are important to you. I realize it’s not all about having fun, believe me. But I also know that things are easier when you have someone to help. I want to be that person for you. I
need
to be that person. But it won’t work if you don’t let me in.”

“Max…” She broke off.

He waited for her to add something, but she remained silent.

He shook his head.
“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

“Who?”

“Your husband.”

Her eyes widened.
“Why would you say that?”

Until this very moment, he hadn’t been sure.
The fact that she didn’t deny it spoke volumes. “Why else would you be so afraid?”

“I’m not.”

He stepped closer, traced a thumb across her cheek, cupped her neck. “Whatever he did, it’s over. He’s gone. You need to let him go and move on.”

She opened her mouth, but he silenced her with a thumb across her lips.
“I love you, Eva. I want us to build a life together. But I can’t do it alone. I need for you to be there with me. All of you. No more blowing hot and cold. No pulling back when things get a little uncomfortable. No safety net.”

She didn’t move when he lifted his thumb and replaced it with his lips.
A brief, undemanding kiss. A soft exhalation of breath. He forced himself to let her go. “Think about it, Eva. And when you’re ready, you let me know.”

The good thing about running was that it didn’t allow for much talking.

The bad thing was that you couldn’t run forever.

It was late morning, seventy-five and sunny, with a light breeze off the ocean. Tourists dotted the beach, a small preview of the influx expected tomorrow for the July 4
th
holiday.

Eva slowed to a walk, waving Nina ahead.
“Go on, I’ll catch up.”

For the last three weeks, they’d been running together after dropping off Ben and Connor at camp.
Eva kept waiting for her friend to bring up Max’s name. After the first few days, she began to relax.

Today, Eva was particularly grateful for Nina’s discretion.
She’d stayed up half the night replaying her confrontation with Max, and was no closer to a decision that when he’d left.

It was supposed to have been so straightforward.
Sex without strings, with a man who’d elevated the concept to an art form. Who could have guessed that Max would be the one to change direction mid-stream? That he’d fall in love and want a long-term commitment? She still couldn’t wrap her head around it.

And yet, there it was.
Like a ray of sun, penetrating a dense gray cloud cover, his words hinted at the possibility of brand new life amid a landscape that had been dry and barren for far too long.

Part of her wanted to embrace his offer and throw caution to the winds.

But her pragmatic side urged her to be careful.
She’d learned the hard way that men were not to be trusted. Some were simply incapable of keeping their pants zipped. Her husband had been one of those. Likewise her father. What she knew of Max’s track record put him firmly in the same category.

She didn’t question his sincerity.
When Max said that he loved her, she believed him. The doubts she had centered around his ability to follow through. How long would he remain content once the thrill of the chase was gone? A few months? A year? Five years? Would he chafe at the restrictions of family life, and ultimately resent her and Ben for holding him back from enjoying the freedoms he was used to?

Last night he’d accused her of being afraid.
It was true, she was. Afraid of making the wrong choice. Afraid of abandoning her safe little world for the possibility of love. Afraid that if she didn’t step off the cliff and take the risk, she would regret that even more.

Nina doubled back and joined her for the cool-down.
“You’re losing weight.”

Eva shrugged.
“A little, maybe.”

“Max is, too.”

She tensed, letting the comment slide without response.

Nina continued, despite the lack of encouragement.
“I don’t think he’s eating. Claims he gets stuff at the hospital. But he’s only at work three days a week.”

Eva refused to be drawn in.
“I’m sure he can take care of himself.”

“That’s what he said.
Told me to stop bringing him food.” She stopped beside a low wall and propped the ball of one foot against it, leaning in to stretch her calf. “You think it’s the chia seeds?”

“What?”

“Maybe I should use flaxseed instead.” She switched legs. “Connor hates fish, so I’m trying whatever I can find with omega-3’s that isn’t fish.”

“Clever.”

“Problem is, no one seems to like it. The chia seed muffins might have been the last straw for Max. What do you think?”

Eva shrugged.
Kneeling on the ground with one foot forward, she stretched her hip flexors and hamstrings.

Nina watched.
“So did you and Max work things out?”

So much for discretion.
She wondered how much Nina already knew. Obviously not everything, or she wouldn’t have asked the question.

On any other subject, Eva would have been happy to confide in her friend, ask for advice.
But what were the odds that Nina would have an unbiased opinion about her own brother?

Opting for a noncommittal response seemed her best bet.
“Not exactly.”

Unfortunately, Nina didn’t take the hint. “What did he do wrong this time?”

“Nothing.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that he’s too used to getting his own way. All he has to do is smile and flash his dimple and no woman in her right mind would say no.”

Nina studied her. “I take it you said no?”

“You told me yourself he has itchy feet and a short attention span.” Eva untied the windbreaker from around her waist and pulled it on. “I’m not sure that’s a good basis for a long-term relationship.”

Nina hesitated.
“Max is pretty casual, most of the time. Easy come, easy go. But when it comes to important things, he’s rock solid.”

Eva glanced at her.

Nina lifted her sleeve.
“You know what these are?”

A series of razor-thin silvery lines marched up the inner surface of Nina’s forearm.
Over the years, Eva had wondered, but it wasn’t something Nina ever discussed. “They look like scars.”

“Yeah.
I used to cut.” She started walking.

Eva fell in step beside her.
Bikers and joggers accelerated around them. A father and son in dripping wetsuits carried surfboards across the path toward the parking lot nearby. Seagulls circled overhead, swooping down to fight over a few discarded food wrappers in the sand.

“What happened?” Eva finally asked.

“When our parents died, things fell apart.” Nina kept her gaze focused firmly ahead. “Money wasn’t the issue—there was a trust fund that outlasted our parents. But there wasn’t really anyone who could handle Max. He was sixteen, with a real chip on his shoulder. Resented anyone trying to take over, telling him what to do. He’d stay out late, get suspended for smoking and drinking, wreck the car, hang out with friends who had no respect for other people’s property—you name it, he did it. Made it hard on anyone who tried to take us in. We went through a series of homes—cousins, great-aunts, distant relatives who didn’t care to be saddled with the responsibility of two kids, no matter how much money was available for their troubles.”

“Sounds like you both had a rough time. How old were you?”

“Twelve.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Nina shrugged. “It was a long time ago.”

“So what happened?”

“While Max raged at the world around us, I went the opposite direction. Withdrew from everything and everyone. Stopped eating. Started cutting. It made me feel better, more in control. For a little while, anyway.”

“Didn’t anyone notice what was going on?”

“You’ve never been through this yourself, have you?”

Eva shook her head.
She’d been lucky. Even after her father had left, her mother had always been there, a steadfast, comforting presence with plenty of hugs and encouraging words.

“Believe me, you find ways of hiding it.
Wear baggy clothes. Long sleeves, even in the summer.”

“How did you get past it?”

“I ended up in the hospital with a pretty serious wound infection. Child Protective Services got involved, threatened to take me out of the home where we were and place me in foster care. It was a wakeup call. Max took over, cleaned up his act, somehow convinced CPS that he could take care of me. He’d just turned eighteen.”

“And did he?
Take care of you?”

“Oh, yeah.
Stuck to me like glue, made sure I followed up with the eating disorders program, saw the psychologist, went to group therapy. It meant deferring college for a year, until everything settled down. He rented an apartment for us, got me into private school, arranged his class schedule around mine. Basically became a surrogate parent.”

“I didn’t realize…”

“Anyway, we got through it, thanks to Max. Poor guy didn’t have much of a social life until I went off to college. He went a little wild in med school, making up for lost time.” Nina slowed. “I don’t have to tell you that there are no guarantees in life. But when it comes to picking who you want on your team, I think Max is a pretty good bet.”

With each day that passed without word from Eva, Max became increasingly worried.

Staying busy helped. At work, he was back to twelve-hour shifts, which kept him from dwelling too much on the fact that his phone remained silent. At home, he continued to write. In between, he pushed his body to the limit—weight lifting, biking, swimming, even top-roping at a nearby rock climbing gym.

When he couldn’t sleep, he wandered the house, planning changes to make it more family-friendly.
One of the rooms would make a perfect office for Eva—abundant natural light, and enough space for an elaborate computer setup, conference table, and comfortable seating area. There was a guestroom he could easily convert for Ben’s use, with a loft bed, study area, and plenty of storage space. There was even a small room filled with boxes of old sports equipment and memorabilia that had followed him through multiple moves and stages of life—stuff he would love to clear out to make room for a nursery.

Of course, he was getting ahead of himself.
None of that would be necessary if Eva decided she wasn’t interested.

He forced himself to put down the phone every time he started dialing her number.
He’d said his piece. The ball was now in her court. But it was tough, having to change his route to avoid walking by her house on his way to the coffee shop. Hard not to pester his sister with questions about what she and Eva discussed when they got together.

At night,
he lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling, wondering if he’d made a mistake in issuing an ultimatum. Maybe, in trying to push Eva to make a decision, he’d instead driven her away.

He was almost grateful when his twelve hour Saturday night shift dragged into a sixteen hour marathon, thanks to a massive pileup on the 405 with two dead and dozens injured.
By the time he and the other ER doctor managed to stabilize and ship off the more serious cases to the nearest Level I trauma center, Max was falling off his feet.

Too tired to even drive home, he changed into fresh scrubs and crashed on a couch in the staff lounge.
He woke up several hours later, neck stiff, back aching, leg on fire, phone dead.

Dialing in to his voicemail from a land line, he fast forwarded through a couple hang-ups, and then…

Hi, it’s Eva.

He closed his eyes. As if he wouldn’t recognize the voice that haunted his dreams.

If your offer’s still open…

Christ, did she doubt it?

I mean, if you haven’t changed your mind…

He didn’t need to hear the rest. Grabbing his keys, jacket, and dead phone, he headed out the door.

###

She’d kept him dangling too long. A man like Max, who lived on adrenaline, couldn’t be expected to hang around, twiddling his thumbs, while she worked through her demons.

But it had taken Eva a while to process everything.
She’d had to tamp down the urge to pick up the phone on multiple occasions. This wasn’t a decision to be made lightly, or on impulse. She’d only started to feel like she was regaining control of her life. To cede that in exchange for an uncertain future required a great deal of faith and courage. And above all, love. Because in the end, that was what mattered.

She’d taken the leap across that terrifying chasm, trusting that he would be there on the other side.
As the hours ticked by without any response, though, anxiety started to replace hope.

With Ben at his grandparents for the weekend, Eva concentrated on unpacking.
The process of sorting through the few possessions they’d brought with them, figuring out where to put everything in the new place, and breaking down the boxes, kept her from thinking too much.

By mid-afternoon, she couldn’t take it anymore.
A break, a change of scene, was definitely in order. She pulled on a sundress and headed out into the sweltering afternoon heat. She needed to do a final walk-through of the old house anyway, before handing over the keys to the new owners tomorrow.

She saw the Ferrari as soon as she turned onto the street.
Her pulse accelerated as she pulled up to the curb behind it.

Max sat on the steps in front of the door, eyes closed, slumped against the railing.
His jaw bristled with several days’ worth of stubble, and the drab olive scrubs looked wrinkled, as if he’d slept in them. He opened his eyes as she approached, rose slowly.

His arms were as strong as she remembered.

She wasn’t even aware she was crying until he swept a thumb across her cheek and said, “What’s this?”

“I thought you’d given up on me,” she said.

“Never.” His lips claimed hers in a kiss that went on and on. When they finally broke for air, he murmured, “Where’s Ben?”

“At my parents’.”

“How long?”

“Another few hours.”

“We’ll pick him up together.” He tugged her toward the door. “After.”

“Okay,” she said, fitting her key into the lock.
“But I have to warn you, the house is empty. No furniture, no rugs—”

“No problem.”
He nudged her inside, then lifted her up, hands supporting her bottom. She clutched his shoulders for support. A wave of heat engulfed her as he pressed her back against the door. “You’re not going to make me wait, are you?”

“No…”

“Good.” He nipped the skin along her jaw. “It’s time I met your parents.”

“What?”

Her thoughts scattered as he worked his way down to her breast.
With her legs wrapped around his hips, he was able to free a hand and work it under her dress. His fingers traced up her vertebrae and ribs, flicking open the closure of her bra. The pad of his thumb brushed her already rigid nipple. “How soon can you move in?”

She blinked, trying to make sense of the words.
“I just signed a lease.”

“Break it.”

“I can’t,” she gasped.

“You can.
We’re getting married.”

“Wait—”

He ground against her. “I’ve waited enough.”

“But—”

“Something small, low-key. Unless you want a big wedding…?”

She shook her head, barely able to follow the conversation.
His fingers drifted down again, tugging, pushing aside material. She’d never realized how easy scrub pants were to undo, or how flimsy the lace of high-end panties could be. He slid inside her, and she bit her lip against the flood of pleasure the movement triggered.

“July,” he panted, punctuating each word with another thrust.
“Good month for a wedding.”

She closed her eyes as the climax hit.
He shuddered against her, fingers digging into her skin.

As her pulse slowed, she smiled and wriggled for him to release her.
Slowly, his fingers relaxed and allowed her to slide down, until her feet touched the floor.

“So we’re agreed?” he said, once they were both dressed—though the panties were a complete loss and would have to be tossed.

Why not?
A year would be enough time to figure things out, ease into the idea of living together, plan a small ceremony for family and friends. “Sure.”

He grinned and kissed her soundly.
“Great. Let’s go home. I need to shower and change before meeting your parents.”

“You go on.
I’ll take a quick look around, make sure I didn’t leave anything behind.”

“I’ll wait.”

She walked through the empty rooms. There were a lot of memories in this house. She’d moved in as a newlywed, naïve and optimistic. She’d become a mother, and a trophy wife, and then a caregiver to her dying husband. She’d lost her illusions here, and discovered her own strength. But she was ready to move on now. Ready to embrace the love that awaited her. Ready to build a future with Max and Ben.

###

They drove to the Valley in her minivan.

“I’m thinking about getting a bigger car,” he said.

“You’re getting rid of the Ferrari?”

He flinched.
“Not exactly. But we could probably use an SUV, right? Install a car seat or two in the back.”

“A booster seat, you mean?”

He studied her profile as she drove. “We didn’t use anything today.”

She glanced at him briefly before turning her attention back to the road.
“I’m on the pill.”

“Since when?”

“Since the last time we had this conversation.”

Was that disappointment he felt?
Until recently, he’d never considered himself father material. But with Eva, and Ben, he had undergone a sea change. And that pregnancy scare nearly seven weeks ago started him thinking. The idea had definite appeal.

“You don’t need it anymore.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m going to be thirty-seven next month.
You’re thirty-four. Neither of us is getting any younger.”

“And your point…?”

“We should work on giving Ben a younger brother or sister. The sooner, the better.”

She shook her head.

“I’m serious.”

“I’d rather not be pregnant during the wedding.”

He grinned. “Even if you got off the pill today, and everything worked the first time, we still wouldn’t know you’re pregnant until at least a couple weeks after the wedding.”

“What?”
She frowned. “But you said July.”

“Yes, and July’s half over.”

“I thought you meant next year!”

His smile faltered.
“You agreed. You’re not backing out now, are you?”

Instead of answering, she eased into the right-hand lane and pulled off at the next exit.

“Are we low on gas?” he said when she turned into a gas station just off the freeway.

“No.” She parked near the back, undid her seatbelt, and got out.

He followed, alarmed at her pallor.
“What’s going on?”

“I think I’m having my first panic attack.”

He wrapped his arms around her, absorbing into himself the frantic hammering of her heart, the periodic tremors of her body. His hand stroked up and down her back, a slow mesmerizing rhythm. When he felt her muscles ease, he murmured, “I love you, Eva. That’s not going to change, okay?”

She nodded against his chest.

“If you want, we can push the wedding off till next month.”

She made a half-hiccupping, half-choking sound and tried to pull away.

He wouldn’t let her. “You promised you wouldn’t make me wait.”

“Max…”
             

“Eva…”

“This is happening too fast.”

“I disagree.
It can’t happen fast enough.”

She mumbled something against his
shirt.

“What’s that?”

She lifted her head. “You’re impossible.”

He smiled and dropped a kiss on her lips.
“But you love me anyway.”

“Yes,” s
he sighed, leaning into him. “I do.”

~
The End~