Woman of Courage (36 page)

“How come?”

“He may not want me if he know I bore a white man’s child.”

“But you just said you told him about Jim. Was he understanding about that?”

Mary shrugged. “I not know. He just say he sorry. He also say my family is camped near Spalding Mission. I anxious to go there when Buck gets back.”

“You mean ‘if’ Buck gets back,” Amanda corrected. “He’s been gone several hours, and that is not a good sign.”

“Maybe Gray Eagle would guide us,” Mary said. “He will go that way, too.”

“Yes, maybe so. Would you ask him about it?”

Mary looked like she was about to reply, when Little Joe woke up again. “Me tend baby first. Then I look for Gray Eagle,” she said.

Amanda smiled. Even though she would miss Buck’s companionship, she was thankful God had sent Gray Eagle to potentially act as their guide.

While Little Fawn still slept and Mary tended to her son, Amanda decided to take the opportunity to read the Bible.

Taking a seat on a small wooden bench, she opened her Bible to Deuteronomy 31:6 and read silently:
“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid: … for the Lord, thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, or forsake thee.”

Reading those words was an affirmation for Amanda. God had brought her this far, through numerous trials, and He would continue to provide for her and Little Fawn and take them safely to their journey’s end.

She closed her eyes and prayed,
Heavenly Father, I thank Thee for Thy many blessings, and for giving me the privilege of raising Little Fawn. Please continue to guide and direct me, and prepare the hearts of the Nez Percé people I am going to teach
.

When Mary finished feeding her son, she decided to take him for a walk, since Little Fawn was still sleeping and wouldn’t need to be fed right away. “I be back soon,” she told Amanda.

“Take your time. From the way my daughter is sleeping, it could be awhile before she wakes up.” Amanda yawned. “In fact, I’m feeling the need to rest some more, too, so I think I’ll lie down beside her and try to sleep.”

“That be good.” Mary wrapped Little Joe in a warm blanket, then picked him up and went out the door.

After she’d stepped outside into the fresh, crisp air, she spotted Gray Eagle heading her way. Her heart pounded with each step he took, bringing them closer. When he approached, Gray Eagle’s gaze moved from her face to the child in her arms.

Mary took a deep breath to steady her voice. “This is my son, Little Joe.”

Was it displeasure she saw on Gray Eagle’s face or a look of sadness? She could not be certain. “I see,” he murmured. “When we spoke earlier, you did not say you had a white man’s child.”

“Little Joe has brought much happiness into my life,” Mary answered defensively.

“Were you happy living with your white husband?”

“Not at first, but I learned to be happy.”

His dark eyes clouded over. “I see.”

Mary swallowed against the lump lodged in her throat. It was obvious that Gray Eagle would never accept her, knowing she had a half-breed son.
Should I still ask if he will be our guide?
she wondered.
Or would it better if Amanda and I set out on our own? I am sure if we asked Bret Walker, he would tell us the way
.

She didn’t have long to ponder the issue, because just then Buck, with a dead deer slung over the back of his horse, rode into the compound. Mary knew Amanda would be relieved, and right now, she was, too.

After Buck dismounted and explained that he’d gone in search of some fresh meat, she introduced him to Gray Eagle. But before she had a chance to explain that Buck was her and Amanda’s guide, Gray Eagle announced that he had to get back to his campsite outside the fort. “May the Great Spirit be with you, Mary Yellow Bird,” he said.

Mary watched him walk away, his last words resounding in her head, like an echo in the highest mountains. She wished they could have talked longer. She wished she would have felt free to ask if he still cared for her. But what good would it have done? He’d left in such a hurry, it was obvious that he no longer had any feelings for her. His last words had sounded like a good-bye. It was just as well, she decided. She felt unworthy of him, and was certain they could never have a future together. She was glad she hadn’t asked Gray Eagle to travel with them to the mission. Buck was here now, and it was better this way.

W
hen morning dawned the following day, Buck, Amanda, Mary, and the babies prepared to be on their way. They’d originally planned to stay at Fort Walla Walla for a few days, but Mary was anxious to see her family. They already had some snow, but Buck had said it was best to move out early, before the full force of winter was upon them.

As they loaded their supplies onto the pack mules and Jim’s horse, Mary noticed some Indians standing on the other side of the compound. She paid little attention to them at first, thinking more about the cold of the late autumn air and how she would keep Little Joe warm until the journey was complete. After a second look, she realized one of them was Gray Eagle. With him, was a beautiful young Indian woman whom she did not recognize. The woman laughed and leaned in close to Gray Eagle. They seemed intent on what they were saying, totally unaware of Mary’s presence.

Mary sighed deeply. No wonder Gray Eagle seemed so anxious to leave. He’d obviously replaced her with this lovely young woman. As much as it pained Mary to see this, it was completely understandable. After all, she had been gone a long time. She wondered if the young woman might be Gray Eagle’s wife. So many moons had passed; it seemed like a lifetime ago.

In spite of the ache in her heart, she could not make this her concern. She must remember that the past was behind her and she needed to concentrate on her life with Little Joe.

Mary was surprised when Gray Eagle headed her way. Thunder had been sitting close to her while she checked on her horse, and his tail wagged as Gray Eagle approached. Normally, if a stranger came anywhere near Mary, Thunder stood guard, with hair raised and a warning growl. It was almost as if the dog knew this Indian would not harm Mary in any way.

When Gray Eagle reached the place where Mary stood, their gazes locked. Time seemed to stand still. She looked up at him and swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. Mary Yellow Bird took in all six feet of his muscular build. Time had been good to Gray Eagle, and it took all of her willpower not to reach out and touch his shiny black, flowing hair. It was as if, in that minute, they were linked together, back to those years when they were young and their love for each other was all that mattered. Her heart pounded so fast that her chest ached, and it was difficult to draw a breath.

Gray Eagle reached down to pet Thunder’s head, and the dog wagged his tail even more.

“Can we talk?” Gray Eagle asked, his dark eyes piercing Mary’s and making her forget about Thunder’s reaction.

Mary cast a quick glance in the direction of the young woman who stood nearby, as though waiting for him. When Gray Eagle turned and whispered something to the woman, she nodded and walked away.

Mary glanced in the other direction and saw Thunder amble over to the place where Buck was still checking the supplies for the final part of their journey.

“What do you wish to say, Gray Eagle?” Mary asked.

He touched her arm. “I want to ride to the mission with you so we can talk.”

She pulled back, hoping to erase what she was sure could never be. “You act as though you care about me, but I know you do not.”

“I do care,” he said sincerely. “I love you, Yellow Bird. I have always loved you.”

“Have you forgotten that I have been with a white man—that I have a son by him?”

“No, I did not forget. I know that you did not ask to be captured or marry a white man, but he is gone now.” Gray Eagle leaned close to Mary. “Everything will be all right. You will go home with me, and we will be married. I will love your son as if he were my own and will love his mother for all of my days.”

Mary wanted to believe his promises, but could she? Her son was not all that stood in their way. “What about the Indian woman you are with?” she asked, rubbing the place on her arm where Gray Eagle had touched. “Does she hold a special place in your heart? Can you simply abandon her to marry me?”

Gray Eagle smiled. “Did you not recognize my sister, Running Fox? She is no longer a child, as you would remember her. She is a beautiful young woman and is promised to White Foot. They will be married soon.”

Yellow Bird’s mouth fell open, not knowing how to respond. She remembered back to the day when White Foot had asked for her hand in marriage, but she’d turned him down in favor of Gray Eagle. She was glad White Foot had found someone to love and relieved to know that Gray Eagle did not have a wife.

“Come, we will travel to the mission now,” Gray Eagle said, excitement in his voice. “On the way, we will get caught up with each other’s lives.”

As Gray Eagle pulled her into his arms, Mary Yellow Bird no longer felt the air’s wintry grasp. Was this why her spirit guide, the yellow bird, had visited her not long ago?

To the Nez Percé, yellow was not only the sign for victory, but it was also a symbol of joy. Except for the birth of her son, Yellow Bird hadn’t felt pure joy such as this in a long time. Now, the feelings for Gray Eagle that she’d tried so hard to bury all these years came rushing back, making her nerve endings quiver. Did she dare hope for those long-ago dreams to be a part of her life once again?

An awkward silence fell between Buck and Amanda as they followed Mary and Gray Eagle out of the fort and onto the trail. With Gray Eagle agreeing to travel with them, Amanda figured Buck might go his separate way, and while part of her wanted him to continue on as their guide, another part almost wished he had gone back to his home. Seeing him every day and wishing for what she couldn’t have was hard for her—maybe for Buck, too.

If only he would set his bitterness aside and surrender his life to the Lord
, she thought yet again.
Can’t he see that not all Christians are like the man who abused him when he was a child?

With a need to focus on something else, Amanda turned her attention to the snow-covered trees. They were beautiful, dressed in pristine white with boughs of green showing through in some places. Seeing the splendor of the trees made Amanda think of Christmas, which was just a month away.

Last Christmas she’d been betrothed to Nathan Lane. Amanda and her father had spent the holiday with Nathan and his family. It had been a lovely celebration, and after dinner she and Nathan had walked hand-in-hand through the snow, discussing their future. Amanda had been looking forward to becoming Nathan’s wife, but that wasn’t meant to be, and maybe it never had been.

Now why am I thinking of him?
she asked herself.
My relationship with Nathan is in the past. My future is here in the West, telling others about Jesus and raising my precious baby girl
.

She glanced over at Buck, riding beside her on Dusty, his buckskin horse. Sitting tall in the saddle and looking straight ahead, he looked more like an Indian than a white man. Perhaps it was because they were in Indian territory, since Buck was part Nez Percé. Amanda wondered if he was anxious to spend time among his mother’s people. It was a shame he’d been separated from his mother at a young age. No child should ever have to grow up without a mother. Amanda knew that better than anyone.

What would happen to Little Fawn if I was taken from her?
Amanda wondered.
Would Mary take my daughter and raise her as her own?

Amanda shuddered. She hoped and prayed nothing would ever separate her and Little Fawn.

“Are ya cold?” Buck asked when his horse nudged close to hers. “Would ya like a buffalo robe to wrap up in?”

She smiled. “I am fine, but thank you anyway.” It pleased Amanda that Buck seemed concerned for her welfare.

Just then, Little Fawn started to cry. She was probably cold, or needed to be fed. Amanda hated to do it, but she turned to Buck and said, “Could we stop for a bit, so I can see what my baby needs?”