Woman on Fire (31 page)

The idea is to take life less seriously, to make time for fun or for less-structured events where discovery can happen. If you can do that in life, you can do it in sex. You bring your sexuality into your playgrounds, that creative juice that fuels imagination.

Play is pleasurable and by nature requires freedom: giving yourself the freedom to be silly or to take a risk, to try new things, to use your imagination and to not give a second thought to what anyone else thinks. The thing I hear the most from people who come to me to work on their sexuality and sexual lives is that, in a word, they want
freedom
. A good way to begin your journey toward the freedom you want is to give yourself freedom to play, knowing there are new things you are meant to discover as you allow yourself a process of presence, fun, and deep engagement.

Sometimes I talk with women who had a “phase” of exploring their sexuality and feeling that freedom when they were younger or in the beginning of a relationship, and then they let that part go
because they “grew up” and started to act the way they thought they “were supposed to.” They find themselves missing it, thinking they can't have it again.

One woman said to me, “I want to be in that frame of mind of feeling completely free. It feels good to be so free. [Sex] was more about the freedom before. Now whenever I have sex, it's more of a ‘should.' Not for my enjoyment. A part of me thinks it's not possible to get back there. To have desire . . . I would love to be able to crave sex. I wish I could enjoy it or want it. I miss the relationship that my husband and I did have.”

If your sex life is not currently one of your playgrounds, today is a new day. Add it to your list. Sex is so much more fun when you don't know what's going to happen every second, when it is not predictable that it will happen the same way it happened on Tuesday, last week, and last year. When you approach sex with the curiosity of “What can I discover today?” about yourself, about your lover(s), and about the relationships involved, you are at play.

Flirting is play. Flirting is giving energy, playful attention, and focus to something or someone. It can be a compliment, a tease, an energetic exchange of glances or sexy body language. When you flirt, you are allowing yourself to be seen, to make an offer, to invite another to connect with you. There is something special in that kind of exchange when it is reciprocal. It's the most fun when you are actually in your body and it's coming from a real place rather than a false put-on.

And because there is an exchange, it makes you feel engaged with life. When we are in true exchange, whether it's money for our service, service for our time, a mutually caring friendship, or a great
flirtation, we are dancing in the energy of life. That dance helps us to feel aligned and whole in our beings. That dance is why we are here. That dance is the sacred dance of life itself.

Sometimes a flirt comes out a bit unintentionally, like the other night when I said to a male friend after making a goof, “You can give me a hard time. I can take it.” We both laughed at the unintentional double entendre. Intentional flirting is a fun, creative game that taps into the part of ourselves that is connected to another person in the moment.

I've worked with so many women who are terrified of their power of flirtation. Their minds weigh in heavily, a constant barrage of internal questions about how far they can or should go, what it means, whether it's okay, whether it could lead someone on, forever the gatekeepers of sexual action and progression. Then comes a heavy modification so they don't spin out of line. That's a heavy burden on something meant to be fun.

What if we let go of all of that and just allowed ourselves to flirt with the world, with life, with friends, with strangers, with the wind and the sky? What if we were free to be fully sexually expressed without taking on the responsibility of what someone else might think? That responsibility is theirs, not yours. However, the fear that many women have about how much to flirt relates to their concern about being able to maintain their own healthy sexual or emotional boundaries. Where does the flirting stop? The best flirts often have excellent boundaries and can generate them in an unbounded situation so it doesn't feel risky or like they will lose themselves.

In getting your flirt on with the world, I don't mean be inappropriate, like flirting with coworkers or in situations where it would not be okay. But with clear boundaries in environments where flirting is allowed and even welcome, flirting can enhance and liven up your day. Sometimes a great moment of flirtation brings a total smile and kick to your day. One of the best ones I've heard in a while was one my team member Elise got from a stranger: “Wow, you make
your planet proud, Earth Girl!” How can you not smile at that? It made her day. It's fun to make someone else's day, and more important, it feels good to flirt with life.

How do you suppress your desire for flirting? Flirting as play is totally harmless in the sense that it is done for fun and it is about being in the moment, not about taking us away from someone we care about. People are sometimes threatened by their partner's flirting and sometimes there is no threat at all. People who are in a relationship and support their partner's flirting and do not feel threatened by it are likely in a good place of balance and secure in the relationship. They don't make up stories about what the flirting will lead to or that it will be something more than it is. The flirting in and of itself can be harmless fun and it can be a great sexual energy builder for a relationship, whether the flirtation is with your partner or with someone outside of the relationship. Of course, if you are looking to bring someone into the relationship for a threesome, foursome, or moresome, you'd better learn to get your flirt on, because they'll likely need heavy cues.

Sometimes people are not comfortable with their partner being flirtatious with other people. There may be something you need in your relationship that is important. If you are in a relationship and that relationship and commitment is clear, then it's obvious to outsiders or flirtees that you are flirting. When there is ambiguity in what the relationship is, people outside of it can get confused or get their feelings hurt when you flirt with them.

It's important to be aware of the culture or subculture you are in and the context of flirting and what it means. Consider national, ethnic, or racial cultural norms, or norms around age or the norms in a LGBTQ or kinky community. For instance, older adults can flirt in ways that might be more acceptable than they would be for younger people. In kinky queer communities, people flirt and can be really direct as part of a cultural norm. It is understood that you will ask and negotiate if you want the flirting to lead to something
more. That's one of the many beautiful parts of kinky communities: people are alive and vibrantly sexual. You get to be flirty and it doesn't mean you want to have sex or play with someone. Pay attention to cultural norms and, in case it's not, make it clear to people if it is just flirtation.

Sometimes people turn off their flirtation like a faucet when they get into a relationship, and then they turn around years later wondering where all the sparks and excitement went. Turning off your flirt is like turning down your own energy. Keep that energy sacred, amped, and clear, even if you choose to flirt only with your partner. Keep it in full expression. Flirt with the sun, with a tree, or a bird. It's an essential part of the fun of life and a cornerstone of play.

While flirting hints at sex, seduction is an invitation to sex. There are several phases of any sexual encounter, though sex shouldn't be an invariable three-part act. Elements of anticipation, planning, and seduction make sex hot and turn up desire. Sexual encounters have so many flavors: exciting, anticipatory, flirty and playful, soft and gentle, rough and fierce, hungry, languorous, boring, monotonous, dreamy, transcendent, electric, wild. Your seduction of a lover—or of yourself—sets the tone. Are you ready for a feisty romp? An intense connection? A lighthearted fling? A juicy fun evening? Set the tone with your seduction techniques and be inviting.

You could fire up the candles, turn down the lights, and put on some sexy lingerie. Or you could show up for your dinner date with a short skirt, no underwear, and a remote-controlled vibrating toy. Or in a suit and tie, looking dapper. You could write your fantasy to your lover prior to your date (where you will carry it out) and make some requests or demands. Provide instructions for what they should come prepared to do or what to bring or wear.

What about seducing yourself? What's sexy to you? I encourage my clients to have “masterdates”—where they will have a solo sex date and they can do any number of things to make it juicy. Do it out in nature. Take a candlelit bubble bath. Masturbate in the mirror. Make love to yourself.

PLAY WITH YOURSELF: HAVE A MASTERDATE

Plan a night of lovemaking with yourself. How can you pamper yourself? What will get you “in the mood”? Wear a sexy outfit. Get the treats you want, try out some new toys, and if you are feeling bold, masturbate in a long mirror and enjoy watching yourself get turned on. Enjoy making love to yourself. It's one of the most powerful sexual experiences you can have—to be in full sexual expression at your own hand and to take in your image, your voice, your taste, and your smell. If you have never done this, it is a must. This is a threshold to pass for anyone who wants to know themselves fully. It's a bold way of tapping into your sexual expression and erotic potential.

If you are not using seduction as part of your sex play, delight is just outside in the waiting room. Seduction that's fun just because it's fun can teach you to play, regardless of outcome. Many women avoid seduction because they are insecure or fear rejection. Think of how many things you would do if you let go of insecurity and fear of rejection. They are the biggest play killers there are. If you decided you were just not going to care what the response is, or whether your playful seduction was returned and you just did what you felt guided to do and decided to be inviting, how much fun could you have?

It can be hard to keep flirting or playing in the seduction arena
if you have felt rejected, so it's helpful to remember that the “no” or lack of response is usually about them and not you. It's about the person's own insecurities or not knowing how to flirt back. It's about something going on inside of them. They are taking care of themselves. Remind yourself of this and make a pact to yourself that you won't allow your sexuality to be dimmed by someone else's boundaries, insecurity, or projections. If you don't take risks, you can't garner the benefits. Seduction is a certain kind of risk—a playful one, so if you think of it as play that isn't overfocused on outcome, you can sometimes enjoy it more. What is “overfocus”? Not enjoying the playful seduction because you are thinking about how it will end.