Words Can Change Your Brain (20 page)

The Compassionate Communication Script

Let’s begin. Find a comfortable chair and a quiet place to sit, where you won’t be distracted by people or phone calls. If you have a bell or chime, keep it handy, and ring it when you see the asterisks in the script. It serves as an auditory reminder to slow down, relax, and pause. You can also go to http://www.mindfulnessdc.org/bell/index.html and click to hear the sound of a bell whenever you see an asterisk in the script.

The bell serves several functions: it entrains your brain go more deeply into a state of silent relaxation, and if you are practicing with another person, you can both use the bell as a reminder that the other person is talking for too long.

When reading the script below, you’ll see asterisks to remind you to take an extra long pause before you go on to the next sentence. Use that pause to observe your feelings, sensations, and thoughts—noting them, and then letting them fade away into silence. With practice, you’ll soon begin to integrate these conscious pauses into your everyday conversations, and the pause itself will enhance your neurological awareness, relaxation, and attentiveness.

Say each sentence just loud enough that you can hear your own voice, speaking warmly as you pronounce each word slowly:

STEP 1:
Take a few deep breaths, slowly breathing in and out through your nose.* Now relax all the muscles in your face. Let your forehead relax and let the muscles around your eyes relax. Take another deep breath and relax your jaw.* Now relax all the muscles in your neck.* Take a really
deep breath and relax your shoulders. Lift your shoulders up to your ear, and then let them drop. Once more: pull your shoulders up high, hold them up, and then push them down toward the ground.* Breathe in deeply and feel how your chest moves in and out. Take another slow breath as you relax all the muscles in your arms and your hands. Feel the weight of this book in your hands, then close your eyes and use the next few moments to notice how your upper body feels.*

STEP 2:
Take a slow, deep breath and relax all the muscles in your back. Feel all the tension melting away, beginning with the top of your spine and slowly moving down to your hips.* Take several deep breaths and feel how your stomach rises and falls.* Now turn your attention to your legs. Move them from side to side and feel yourself melting into the seat of your chair.* Now bring your attention to your feet. Tighten them, then relax them and shake them out.* Now turn your attention to your entire body. Tighten up all your muscles, hold them tense to the count of five, then let everything relax.* Once more: tighten up the muscles of your shoulders, arms, and legs. Hold them tight . . . tighter . . . and now relax.* Take a few slow breaths and mentally scan your body, looking for any excess tension in your muscles, your arms, your chest, your neck, and your face. Take another deep breath and let all your tension melt away.* Notice how your body feels and notice the calmness in your mind.

STEP 3:
Now breathe in, and as you breathe out, make a soft sighing sound. Do this again, and then yawn. Yawn again, even if you don’t feel like it, because it will make you even more relaxed and alert. Keep yawning for the next minute and notice how each one begins to feel more and more real.* Take another deep breath and feel how relaxed you are becoming. Slowly stretch your arms and legs, and slowly twist your torso from side to side. Do this for another minute in silence.* Pay attention to the sounds in the room; then bring your attention back to your breath and listen to the sounds of each inhalation and exhalation.*

STEP 4:
Visualize someone you deeply love or recall a special moment from the past that fills you with pleasure and joy, something or someone that makes you feel like smiling.* Feel how the muscles of your face begin to change and notice how the muscles around your eyes are softening. Take a few deep breaths, then stretch again as you enjoy this feeling for the next few moments in silence.*

STEP 5:
Ask yourself: what is my deepest, innermost value?* Notice whatever word comes to mind, then return your attention to your breathing.* Now ask yourself this: how important is it to me to be listened to and understood? Notice the thoughts and feelings that come to mind, then let them go.* Take a deep breath and relax some more.* Now ask: what tone of voice will best communicate what I want to say? Notice your thoughts, and let them go.* Shift your attention to your breathing and feel your whole body relax some more.* Now ask yourself: what is the best way to listen
when someone else is speaking? Once more, notice the thoughts and feelings that come to mind.* Take a deep breath, stretch your body, and bring yourself back into the present moment.*

STEP 6:
Visualize the person you plan to talk to. Think about a quality that you really like about that person and notice how it makes you feel.* Deepen your breathing as you hold a compassionate thought in your mind. Take a deep breath and continue to relax into your body.* Now visualize yourself talking to this person and paying them a compliment. Tell them what you appreciate about them and imagine that they have a warm gentle smile on their face.* Now imagine that this person is paying you a compliment. What do you hear them say?* What do you imagine they appreciate about you?* Notice how these imaginary comments make you feel.*

STEP 7:
Next imagine that a compassionate dialogue begins to spontaneously unfold with this person. Visualize the two of you sitting there, taking turns speaking slowly and briefly, and fantasize about what is said.* One person speaks a sentence or two slowly, then stops and relaxes, bringing themselves back into the present moment. Then the other person speaks a few slow sentences and pauses, taking a deep breath and relaxing as much as they possibly can.* Keep this fantasy dialogue going for the next minute or two.*

STEP 8:
Bring yourself back into the present moment as you let the fantasy conversation fade away. Take a few deep breaths and relax all the muscles of your face and body, and notice how your overall consciousness has changed.*

Entering a Conversation with Others

You are now ready to enter a real conversation. We recommend that you practice the script above as often as possible over the next few weeks before you engage in a dialogue with someone else. Also spend a few moments reviewing the twelve strategies of Compassionate Communication so you can bring them into every conversation. People have found it useful to write these words on an index card and to post it in various places as a reminder: on the computer or refrigerator, next to the phone, etc.

1. Relax

2. Stay present

3. Cultivate inner silence

4. Increase positivity

5. Reflect on your deepest values

6. Access a pleasant memory

7. Observe nonverbal cues

8. Express appreciation

9. Speak warmly

10. Speak slowly

11. Speak briefly

12. Listen deeply

When you walk into the room, slow down your gait; this too will serve as a reminder to remain consciously alert and relaxed. Greet the person with optimism and make certain that your words reflect a positive tone about the dialogue that is about to take place. As you wait for the other person to respond, make sure you stay relaxed as you observe the other person’s face and body language. Listen to the tone of their voice and see if you can identify their emotional state. This information will let you know if the person can be responsive to what you want to say.

Practicing with a Partner

After you have experimented with the “imaginary conversation” script above ask a friend or family member or colleague to practice the exercise with you, along with the series of additional steps described below. When you first practice this technique with another person take two chairs, place them close together, and sit down facing each other. We suggest that you both read the steps out loud. You should be the first reader, since you have experienced the process and will be more comfortable and familiar with the exercise. This, by the way, is an excellent training device for learning how to engage another person in meaningful dialogue.

You will need to speak slowly so that the other person can become fully immersed in the experience. You can monitor the ideal speed by occasionally asking your partner if they want you to speak slower or faster. Some people feel uncomfortable with very slow speech but for most people the slower the better. You’ll probably be surprised at the rate they feel most comfortable with, but since everyone is different, you’ll need to tailor your speech to the needs of the listener. We recommend you do this when conversing with anyone.

Have your partner close their eyes if they feel comfortable doing so, because it helps most people to reach a deeper state of relaxed attention. Say one sentence slowly, then pause long enough for your partner to process the information as they explore their feelings and sensations. Tell your partner to lift a finger when they are ready for you to move on to the next sentence. Then, when you engage in the dialogue part of the exercise, either of you can lift your finger (or ring a bell) to remind the other person to slow down or talk more briefly.

In this first practice session don’t talk about any difficult issues that either of you currently have. These can be addressed after you’ve practiced enough times that you both feel confident that you can remain in a relaxed and compassionate state when problems and conflicts are discussed. You can talk about your inner feelings and concerns, or about issues concerning other people, or about the positive aspects of your partner.

If you’re not sure what to say or not to say, ask yourself the following question: can the other person hear and respond in a positive, compassionate way to what I want to say? If not, then the likelihood of having a conversation that leads to a positive outcome is limited. This is a rule that we suggest you apply, whenever possible, to all conversations you have.

Begin by guiding your partner through the first five steps. Ask them to keep their eyes closed. When you pause at each asterisk, shift your attention and study your partner’s face. See if you can discern the subtle expressions that convey relaxation, pleasure, or frustration. If you sense any discomfort, ask them to take additional deep breaths and yawn, stretching and moving the parts of their body that you think might be tense.

As you continue to read, try lowering the tone of your voice and speaking a little softer. With each step, slow down a little more. When you have finished reading steps one through five, skip steps six through eight (they’re designed for solo practice) and begin to read the script below.

STEP 9:
Visualize the person sitting across from you and smiling.* Stay aware of your breathing as you hold a compassionate image or loving thought in your mind and deepen the relaxation of your body.* Think about something you really appreciate about this person and notice how that makes you feel.* Now think about another quality that you admire or respect. Again notice how this thought makes you feel.* Affirm to yourself that the conversation you are about to have will be filled with compassion and respect.* Now imagine such a conversation taking place. In your mind you see each person taking turns, speaking only one sentence at a time, slowly and briefly, then pausing. When one of you finishes speaking, you both take a deep breath and relax, pausing for about three seconds before the other person speaks.* Imagine hearing the voice of your partner and no matter what that person says you feel yourself becoming more and more relaxed, and as you listen, your defenses continue to melt away.*

STEP 10:
Continue to visualize the conversation and imagine that a sense of trust and empathy is beginning to build. Let the conversation take any direction it wants. Don’t control it; let it spontaneously evolve. Don’t try to make a point and don’t worry if the subject changes. Just trust what your intuition brings up, staying as relaxed as you can.* There is no need to rush; all you have to do is talk slowly . . . then pause . . . then breathe . . . then listen . . . then relax . . . then talk again, with your voice filled with kindness and love.*

STEP 11:
Now ask yourself this question: what’s the most important value that I want to bring into the conversation I’m about to have?* Notice the thoughts and feelings that come to mind, then let them go, bringing yourself back into the present moment.* Now recall a memory that brings you a sense of pleasure, happiness, or joy.* Feel a warm smile begin to form on your face and feel the muscles softening around your eyes.*

STEP 12:
In a moment you will open your eyes and gaze gently at your partner.* Begin the conversation by saying something appreciative or complimentary and listen to the compliment given by the other person.* Don’t judge what they say. Just stay focused on your inner sense of well-being.* Let a spontaneous
conversation emerge, speaking only one sentence, then stop and relax. Listen deeply as your partner speaks, and when they pause, take another deep breath and relax.* Then say whatever comes to your mind, but before you speak, ask yourself this question: will my words be met with kindness and appreciation?* If not—if you think they will make the other person defensive—take another deep breath and allow a different thought to come to mind.* Continue the dialogue for at least five minutes: talking, pausing, and listening as you stay as relaxed as you can.* Then close with a compliment and a statement of appreciation.