Worse Than Being Alone (18 page)

I once again had tapped into eLove.com in order to
try to meet someone. If this experience was as bad as the last one,
I would be finished with Internet based relationships. Paul Stone
described himself as widowed, 43, and looking for friendship first.
That seemed to be a frequent tag line for men when they described
what they were looking for in any potential relationship. I guess
that was meant to reassure the women who frequented the site.

When I spotted the valet parking sign at Charlie
Gitto’s, I decided to splurge and take advantage of the
convenience. If our dinner went south, I could stay in the front
while the valet retrieved my car instead of walking the dark
streets with Paul Stone. It seemed like the most sensible thing to
do.

The valet handed me a ticket, grabbed my keys, and
sped off down the street. I entered the dimly lit foyer and
approached the hostess, who informed me Mr. Stone hadn’t arrived
yet. There were several small seating areas so I headed for the
closest one and took a seat.

I had just settled in my seat when
a tall man dressed in Dockers, a pale blue shirt, and a brown sport
coat entered the restaurant. He talked to the hostess, who pointed
at me. Paul Stone walked in my direction and I stood to greet him.
He was tall and well built with blond hair and dark eyes. The
lighting was too dim to make out much else. We shook hands and
mumbled greetings as the hostess approached.

“
Right this way,” she said
cheerfully as she led us through the noisy room to a booth in the
back. It was the perfect place for quiet conversation. She gave us
menus and walked away. Buried in my purse, my cell phone emitted
the familiar jingle indicating a call, but I decided to ignore
it.

“
Well, hi Paul, I’m Kitty. It’s
nice to finally meet you.”

“
It’s nice to meet you, too,” he
said as a dazzling smile appeared on his face. In this light I
could see his eyes were a dark chocolate color. He seemed like the
nice outdoorsy type with pink cheeks and muscles gleaned from hard
work rather than pumping iron at the gym.

“
This seems so awkward,” I said.
“I guess there really isn’t any other way.”

“
No, I don’t think there is,” he
said. “Meeting on neutral ground is the best way to
start.”

“
I agree. At least you can tell if
the other person has two heads or something like that. Have you met
a lot of women through the site?”

“
About half a dozen,” he said as
the waiter arrived, took drink orders, recited the specials, and
left.

“
You said in your e-mails you’re a
nurse,” he said.

“
That’s right, I worked in
hospitals for the first 20 years. I don’t do hands on anymore. A
friend and I started a private agency. We do case management and we
also have a separate part of the business that involves
investigating workers’ comp fraud.”

“
That sounds interesting,” he
said. “Have you thought about investigating other things? You know,
more of an all-around private investigation firm.”

“
Actually, we’ve been kind of
kicking that around. I’m willing to expand our services, but I’m
not really fond of the idea of doing any kind of divorce
work.”

“
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to do that,
either,” he said as the waiter arrived with drinks and took entrée
orders. We ordered a Capresi salad and the Asiago cheese pasta
special.

“
Do you eat here a lot?” he asked
as we sipped our Merlot. I heard my cell phone again and continued
to resist the urge to find out the identity of the
caller.

“
Every couple of months. I love
the Hill. There are so many good restaurants. So, Paul you said you
were in land management?”

“
Yeah, I guess it’s just a fancy
word for a farmer,” he said. “It really is a business though. I
have over 2000 acres and 50 employees.”

“
In South County?”

“
I never said South County,” he
said somewhat defensively. “I just said south. My farm is down
around Perryville.”

“
Oh, OK.”

“
Look, I might as well tell you
all of it,” he said as the waiter arrived with the salads and my
freak detector started shouting warnings.

“
Thank you,” he said to the
waiter, who departed immediately.

“
Look, you and I have a lot in
common,” he said. “We read the same books. I think we like the same
things. The truth is I lost my wife last year just like I said. The
part I left out is that I have five kids. My oldest is 10 and my
youngest is 2. I have baggage as they say. Not many women are
interested in an instant family.”

“
Wow, you do have some baggage.
Look Paul, this may surprise you but living on a farm in the
boonies actually scares me more than the idea of five kids. I’m a
city girl. At least I’ve figured that much out. I can’t do Little
House on the Prairie again.”

“
The kids really don’t scare you?”
he asked as the waiter picked up the empty salad plates, placed the
steaming platters of pasta in front of us and retreated.

“
I’m one of 10 kids. I think big
families are great. I didn’t marry the right guy, so it didn’t seem
fair to bring a lot kids into a bad relationship. As I said in one
of my e-mails, I have a son. What you really need is someone who
loves the country.”

“
It’s easier said than done,” he
said. “My wife and I both had degrees in Agriculture. We were a
perfect match. I’ve tried to meet women down around where I live
but I haven’t had any luck. That’s why I got on the Net. To broaden
my horizons.”

“
Paul, you seem like a really nice
guy, but I could never live down there. You need to be careful on
the Internet. There are some really creepy people out
there.”

“
I know,” he admitted. “I’ve run
into a few. The last woman I met was into that Goth look. Black
everything. Can you imagine how that would play at the VFW Hall in
Perryville?”

“
Look, couldn’t we still be
friends? Why don’t we keep e-mailing? Maybe you could bring your
kids up some weekend and we could take them to the zoo or the Magic
House.”

“
I’d like that,” he said. “It’s a
shame you don’t like the country.”

“
I have this conversation with my
best friend and her husband all the time. I’ll ask them if they
know any single women. They live in Hillsboro.”

I heard the musical tones of my cell phone for the
third time. “I hope you don’t think I’m hopelessly rude, but I’m
going to check my cell phone.”

I pulled the phone out of my bag and slid the arrow
across the screen. I could see that all three phone calls had been
from Ethan.

“
What is it?” Paul
asked.

“
It’s my son,” I said as I pressed
the voicemail icon. I listened to the message and pressed
delete.

“
Is everything OK?” Paul
asked.

“
I’m not sure. He’s at the Sidecar
Saloon and he sounds like he might be drunk.”

“
What did he say?” he
asked.

“
Something about being up here and
crashing at my place tonight. There was a lot of background noise.
I think I need to go over there and make sure he’s OK.”

“
Do you want me to go with you?”
he asked.

“
No, I’m sure it would be better
if I went alone.”

“
Don’t even think about trying to
pay half,” Paul said as I stood up and reached into my
purse.

Paul stood up and I hugged him, hoping we could be
friends as I went out the front door and gave my ticket to the
valet.

Traffic was light as I drove to the popular bar in
West County, thinking about Ethan and worrying he might follow in
his father’s footsteps. I had to drive around the parking lot
several times to find a spot. The bar was crowded with noise coming
at me from every direction. Train paraphernalia literally covered
the room and hung from every possible spot. Booths that looked like
small versions of railroad cars lined the far walls. The tin
ceiling amplified the music blaring from the speakers.

I pressed forward, trying to spot Ethan in the
throng. I felt like I was going in circles because it wasn’t until
my second pass around the room that I saw him. He was sitting with
a group in the very back of the bar, holding a glass of dark liquid
and laughing with his friends. He seemed surprised and then smiled
and waved when he spotted me. The others laughed at some inside
joke I couldn’t hear as Ethan left the booth and came over to greet
me.

“
Hey, Mom,” he said. “You didn’t
have to come all the way over here. I came up on the spur of the
moment and thought I’d spend the night with you.”

I searched Ethan’s eyes for some sign of alcohol
impairment, but all I could see were the same guileless azure eyes
I had loved since he was born. But these eyes no longer belonged to
a child. The person standing before me smiling at me was a man.
When did that happen? Broad shouldered like his father, he had my
eyes and smile. We had been so close when he was little, but by the
time he was 16, he had no use for any of the adults in his
life.

“
Oh, you thought I was drunk,” he
said.

“
Is there somewhere a little
quieter we could talk?”

“
Sure, there are some tables
outside,” he said as he took my hand and led the way to a small
enclosed patio outside the bar. We headed for an empty table and
sat down.

“
I’m so sorry, Ethan,” I blurted
out. “I did think you were drunk. I couldn’t hear your message very
well and I jumped to the wrong conclusion. You know, standing in
there watching you I realized you’re not my little boy anymore.
You’re a man. I came because sometimes I get scared for you. I just
wanted you to know that whatever happens I’ll be here for you this
time.”

“
I was the designated driver on
this day trip,” he said. “They decided to spend the night so that’s
why I called you. I also wanted to talk to you about some things.
Do you remember when you first came back from Alaska?”

“
Yeah, I remember. I could barely
get you to talk to me. I didn’t really blame you.”

“
You told me you figured a lot of
things out while you were up there,” he said. “Well, I was figuring
some things out, too. All my life I blamed you for Dad’s drinking,
as if somehow you weren’t a good enough wife, or if you had only
done this or that, he would have stopped. I think that’s why I was
so mean to you. When you left, I didn’t have anyone to blame
anymore. I just knew I could fix him. I thought I was so smart. I
thought I could make him stop drinking. I tried everything I could
think of. I failed miserably.”

“
I love you, Ethan.”

“
I love you, too, Mom,” he said.
“I guess I’m finally growing up. Maybe it’s some kind of cosmic
joke, but I’ve come to the conclusion you’re leaving for a while
was the best thing for both of us.”

“
Wow, I wish I could let myself
off the hook that easily.”

“
Come on, Mom,” he said. “I wasn’t
3. I was 17 and I probably wouldn’t have gone with you anyway. I
don’t blame you for leaving because after a year and a half of
going it alone, I couldn’t wait to go away to college.”

“
I know. It’s so hard when you
finally realize what a thankless and impossible task it is to try
to keep your dad sober. It’s even harder not to blame yourself and
feel guilty. Just realize that every day, James gets up and makes
the same bad choice. He’s the only one who can change
that.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

Roni weaved through the early morning traffic on her
way to the rehabilitation center where Brad Henry currently
resided. Multiple positive reports from Brad’s doctors, nurses, and
therapists led Roni to believe that Brad had totally embraced their
rehab plan. Roni hoped that was true. She was on her way to see
Brad about scheduling a time for a home visit to complete
modifications that would be necessary after his discharge. Wider
doorways to accommodate a wheelchair, chair lifts for second floor
or lower level access, and roll in showers were often necessary
after an injury like the one Brad had sustained.

Part of the reason Brad’s rehab seemed to be going
so well was the overwhelming support of his family. Families either
seemed to be part of the solution or part of the problem. Roni
thought about the Barton brothers and how their family had been
torn apart by sibling rivalry and greed. Though Jay whined about
his perception that he was treated differently, he didn’t deny
Glenn’s accusations. He also didn’t try to pin all the blame on
Marian.

Roni could just imagine Marian’s version of the
whole affair. She was certainly clever enough to make herself look
like a victim. Roni wondered if anything she had learned so far was
enough to take to Billy. No one from Marian’s past had offered a
single positive comment about her, not even her own brother, but
Billy was very loyal and hadn’t been married that long. Bringing up
a lot of old baggage during the honeymoon phase might invite a
backlash.

Roni wondered what actions constituted a bridge too
far in terms of a family. Jay seemed to believe he might be able to
use a trick to get some dialogue started with his brother, Glenn.
Given Jay’s level of dishonesty and chicanery, Roni wasn’t
convinced Glenn would welcome the overture. Applying those
principles to her own situation, Roni wondered if her father would
view her investigation as intolerable interference or a forgivable
lapse in judgment.