Worth It (50 page)

Now, I’m not sure it was worth it because I’m close to killing him. They looked way too close. I’m going to have to step up my game soon. I just need to figure out how.

April 4th

The last few sessions Dr. Jenson and I have been discussing forgiveness. The thought of forgiving the people who have hurt me makes me sick, like roll-with-nausea sick. She explained that I wouldn’t be forgiving them for their sake, but I’d be doing it for me. Holding on to the anger and hurt only poisons and eats at me. She didn’t say that I was supposed to forgive their actions, just forgive them, because if I cling to the anger, it only hurts me. They don’t know me anymore, and I don’t see them, so it doesn’t affect them, but it affects me. How can I truly be happy if I’m clinging to them because of what they did? In order to truly move on, I need to forgive them and let the past go. I understand the logic, I really do, but putting it into practice is nearly impossible. I want to be better and put everything behind me instead of burying it. But how can I forgive that? Maybe I’ve held on to the pain for so long that I don’t know how to let it go.

I graduate next month, and I’m so damn proud of myself that it’s not even funny. I’ve worked hard while putting myself through school, and I’m graduating with honors. I was even approached by the principal of the school where I’ve been student teaching. She let me know that there would be a kindergarten teaching position opening next year, and she hopes I apply. I told her that absolutely yes, I would apply. Inside, I was jumping up and down, screaming, Holy shit balls I love you! She didn’t give me the job, but she pretty much said that I had a good chance at getting it, which is amazing. I don’t know about other states, but in Massachusetts it’s really hard to land a teaching job. Usually, you have to work a few years as a substitute or aide to get an in with a school system.

Jed was so happy for me. I fucking love that man so much. I want to have his babies someday. I love every piece of him from the inside out. And holy damn, I never realized what a difference there is between attachment and love. I don’t really think I could love before because I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t love myself, but as I’m emerging out of my deep dark hole, I see it, I feel it, and I cherish it. I look around and see all the people who love me—Shannon, Chad, and the gang, my family (as batshit as they are), Jed’s family, and of course, Jed. I guess I am pretty damn worth it, aren’t I?

After work, I look up from the note that was on my windshield, and I scan the dark parking lot. I don’t see anyone, but I feel eyes on me. It’s probably my imagination though. This shit is starting to freak me out. This is the third note in four months. The first one I reasoned was a mistake, the second I figured was the same thing, so I didn’t even bother telling Jed, but this one can’t be a mistake now. I’ve still been getting calls from the mystery sigher, but they have been coming much less frequently, and I haven’t had one in over two weeks.

I jump when my phone rings, and I quickly shuffle through my purse to answer it. My blood runs cold when I see that it’s an unknown caller.

“Hello?” I answer nervously.

Panting—all I hear is heated panting, like whoever is on the other line is getting off on my fear.

I hang up quickly, jump in my car, and lock the door. I’m shaking and looking around the parking lot for any signs of danger. When I don’t see anything, I take a calming deep breath and start my car. My mind is spinning as I head to Jed’s. I have no idea who could possibly be messing with my head. I need to talk to Jed about this because it’s freaking me the fuck out.

Then, my head stops spinning.

May
be I shouldn’t talk to him about it. What can he do?

I don’t know who is messing with me, but I do know what Jed’s reaction will be, and I can’t stand the idea of making him upset. It’s not like he can do anything anyway. I should probably wait until I can get an idea of who it is. Then again, Jed might be mad that I kept something like this from him.

But whoever it is has been fucking with me for a few months now, and nothing has happened, except for a few notes and weird phone calls. Maybe it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be. The notes might not have even been meant for me. And maybe the phone calls are just from some weirdo who thought it was funny the first time, so he kept doing it. I’ll just stop answering, and whoever it is will go away. Tonight was probably a coincidence.

I don’t need to get Jed all crazy upset for something that I’m probably overreacting about anyway. I can be such a drama queen sometimes, and I’m glad I caught myself before I made Jed lose his temper. Things have been so amazing for so long, and I don’t want to rock the boat with something that’s probably nothing.

My Savannah is standing in the parking lot with my note clutched in her hand and the phone to her ear. The scared look on her face has me sliding my palm up and down my dick fast and furiously. I haven’t seen that look in so damn long, and it’s so fucking hot. I want to be inside her body so fucking bad. I’ll make her pay for ever thinking it was okay to let someone else put his dick in her.

I’ve reached my breaking point for waiting, and I’m just about to get out of my car and grab her when she ends the call and jumps in her car.
Shit.
I’ve lost my opportunity, but that’s probably a good thing. Sure, I could have her once now, but I need a way to have her permanently again. This is all my fucking aunt’s fault, or maybe it’s Savannah’s fault for screaming that night. I’d still have that sweet compliant body every night if she had never screamed. I pound the steering wheel.

God-fucking-damn it!

I don’t want to wait any longer. I’ve already waited too long, but I have no fucking clue how to make this work. I’m getting angry, really angry. That fucking asshole has what’s mine, and the only thing stopping me from just getting rid of him is prison, but even that’s starting to seem like it’s worth the risk.

A movement catches my eye, and I see a girl stumbling out of a bar, alone. I watch her dig through her purse, looking for her keys, oblivious to the world around her.
Perfect.
I need something to relieve this frustration, and this little whore could be just the thing I need to calm myself before I do something that would ruin everything.

“Hey, brother, I need your help,” I growl into the phone.
I’m so damn frustrated.

“What’s up?” Zach says warily.

I’m not surprised that he’s skeptical. I rarely ask for help.

“I need you to pick Dad up from work and meet me at Jared’s, the jewelry store.”

“What?” he shrieks.

If I wasn’t so irritated, I’d tease him for sounding like a bitch.

“You heard me.”

My gut grows tighter by the second. I’m tempted to call my sister, too, but with the way the women in my family flap their traps, Anna would know tomorrow what I’m planning.

“Are you going to help me out or what?”

“Why the hell are we going to Jared’s?” he asks, his voice slightly less shrill.

I roll my eyes. “Take a wild guess, jackass. Are you coming?”

He sighs heavily. “Yeah, I’ll see you in twenty.”

“All right. Thanks, bro.”

“Yeah, see you in a bit.”

I press End, slip my phone into my pocket, and then glance back at the glass jewelry case that I’ve been staring at for almost an hour. I have no idea what I’m doing, and although the sales dude gave me the basics, he also started yapping about how it should reflect the woman.
What the hell does that mean?
He went on and on about the round diamond symbolizing eternity, the heart shape symbolizing love and devotion, and then the cut, clarity, style, and on, and on. I knew I should have done some research, damn it, but I thought it would be easy, and I could just wing it.

When will I learn that winging it will never work?

I knew she’d want white gold because that’s all she ever wears, but everything else is an overload. I’m in way over my head.
Doesn’t buying a ring in the first place symbolize eternity, love, and devotion? I don’t want to get this wrong, but what the hell? I need backup.

“Tell me we’re not here to do what I think we’re here to do,” Zach says from behind me.

I turn to see my brother scowling and my father grinning. I knew my dad would understand. He’s always said,
When you find forever in a woman, you know it.

I roll my eyes. “Yes, Zach, that’s exactly what we’re here to do. I’m buying Anna an engagement ring, and I’m lost here.”

“Don’t you think you should wait a little bit? Don’t get me wrong—I like Anna a lot, but shouldn’t you wait longer to be sure? At least a year, probably two.”

“We’ve been together for six months. It’s been long enough. I know she’s the one, so I don’t need to wait,” I say, staring at the case in front of me.

My dad chuckles and places his hand on Zach’s shoulder. “Son, one day, I’m sure you’ll understand, and I promise you that when you meet your other half, you’ll know.”