Worth the Risk (23 page)
Authors: Sarah Morgan
‘It all looks fine.’ The ultrasonographer smiled at her and wiped the jelly from Ally’s abdomen. ‘No worries there. He’s well protected at the moment so it’s unlikely he came to any harm.’
‘Thanks.’ Ally gave her a shaky smile and watched her leave the room, feeling suddenly awkward to be alone with Sean. ‘I’d better get dressed.’
‘No, wait!’ He raked long fingers through his cropped hair, looking thoroughly agitated and very, very male. ‘Dammit, Ally, we need to talk and I don’t think I can wait until we get home.’
Her hands clenched. She wasn’t up to this. Later, maybe she’d be able to pretend she could cope with losing him, but not at the moment when she felt so vulnerable and he was being so protective.
‘Sean, I really can’t—not now…’
‘I just want you to listen, that’s all.’ He took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of the bed, prising her hands apart and taking them in his. ‘This has, without any doubt, been the worst day of my life.’
Her heart stopped and her voice was little more than a whisper. ‘You mean, seeing the baby?’
‘Dammit, no!’ His voice was raw with emotion and he dropped her hands and rubbed his temples with long fingers. ‘I don’t mean that at all! Seeing the baby was—well, it was incredible.’
He stood up abruptly and walked over to the window, turning his back on her so that she couldn’t see the expression on his face. ‘I don’t know where to start. I wasn’t going to say any of this until we got home but I don’t think I can wait that long.’
Her heart was thudding in slow motion. ‘Say what?’
There was a long silence. ‘I’ve never let myself trust anyone. I suppose in a way I was trying to test what the social worker told me.’
Ally fixed her eyes on those broad shoulders which were still shutting her out. ‘And what was that?’
‘That I was difficult. I was a difficult baby, a difficult toddler and a difficult teenager. My mother couldn’t cope and so she gave me away. I wasn’t the dream baby she’d imagined—’
‘Sean—’
‘I was passed from foster-family to foster-family and all the time I grew more difficult. Whenever I went somewhere new I pushed them to the limit. Testing them. Trying to find a family who’d love me unconditionally, I suppose. It didn’t take me long to start believing that that kind of love didn’t exist outside fairy stories. Not for me, anyway.’
Ally felt scalding tears fill her eyes. ‘Oh, Sean—’
‘I’ve never been any good at relationships but I know I don’t need to tell you that.’ He stared out of the window, his voice flat and expressionless. ‘All through my childhood, whenever I started to feel affection for someone I was moved on. You’ve no idea what that does to a child—feeling unwanted. Unloved. In the end I told myself I didn’t need it and developed a defence mechanism. The only person I relied on was myself. I never allowed myself to love anyone in case I lost them.’
‘Please, come here, Sean.’
His shoulders stiffened but he still didn’t look at her. ‘When I grew up I just kept the same pattern. I never allowed myself to love anyone because I couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if it didn’t last. So I was always the one in control. The one who ended the relationship. And I’d come across so many miserable kids from broken homes in my time in care that I resolved never to risk having a child of my own in case the relationship went wrong.
‘And then I met you.’ He turned slowly and his eyes clung to hers, all the pain of his traumatic youth revealed in those dark depths. ‘You were everything I’d ever dreamed of. Strong, gentle, clever, feminine, shy, sexy—so many things all in one package. I wanted you badly.’
Her blue eyes were soft. ‘I wanted you, too.’
‘That night when we made love—’ He broke off and stared out of the window again, his eyes distant, remembering. ‘You were so warm and giving and innocent, and I felt as though I never wanted to let you go. All I wanted to do was hold you and protect you. I’ve never felt like that about another person before.’
‘And you panicked.’
He turned his head to look at her, a wry smile playing around his hard mouth. ‘Panic barely begins to describe it. Suddenly I felt vulnerable, and I’m not used to feeling like that.’
Ally felt a sudden rush of love and sympathy. It was taking so much courage for him to admit these feelings, feelings which he was used to keeping hidden deep inside himself.
‘And then you found out I was pregnant.’
‘Yes.’ His jaw clenched but his eyes held hers. ‘I felt as though the ground had shifted underneath me. As if everything I’d ever believed in had collapsed. I couldn’t believe I’d been so careless.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’
His mouth twisted. ‘Of course it was my fault. I’d virtually seduced you—tempted you and teased you until you’d wanted me, too. If I had been so bothered I would have questioned you more closely, but the truth was I was so desperate for you that it wouldn’t have made any difference what you’d said to me.’
‘You didn’t seduce me.’
He gave a wry smile. ‘You were a virgin, Ally.’
‘I still knew what I was doing.’
‘Maybe. I don’t know.’ He shrugged and glanced out of the window again, fighting for control. ‘Either way, you were pregnant and I was suddenly forced to confront all those feelings I’d ducked all my life.’
‘You don’t have to—’
‘Dammit, Ally, stop saying that!’ He slammed his fist against the wall and glared at her. ‘Of course I have to! It’s my baby, too.’
‘But you don’t want it.’
‘I do want it. I don’t want this baby growing up, not knowing its father.’
His eyes burned into hers and she felt her heart tear into two. How could she stand it? Seeing him occasionally with their child but not having him for herself? How would she ever get over him if he was constantly re-entering her life? It would be the worst possible torture but she couldn’t deny him his rights, either for his sake or that of their child.
With a huge effort she managed what she hoped was a reassuring smile. ‘I’d never stop you seeing your child, Sean. I’m not like that.’
He contemplated her in silence, a muscle flickering in his hard jaw. ‘I’m not talking about visitation rights, Ally.’
Her cheeks blanched. He couldn’t mean— She sat bolt upright. ‘You wouldn’t take my baby away from me?’
‘Take your…?’ He blinked several times, his expression stunned. ‘For God’s sake, Ally, what type of man do you take me for?’
She swallowed and sank back against the pillows, relief swamping her. ‘I—’
‘On second thoughts, don’t answer that question.’ He gave a wry, self-deprecating smile and sat down on the covers next to her, lifting her hands in his and holding them tightly. ‘I haven’t done much to earn your good opinion, have I? First I pursue you relentlessly, then I seduce you, then I tell you I don’t want commitment, and then I round it all off by accusing you of trying to trap me by getting pregnant. It’s no wonder you won’t marry me.’
‘Sean, I—’
‘No, let me finish.’ He cleared his throat and his fingers tightened painfully on hers. ‘I know you think I’m not capable of commitment but you’re wrong. I never knew how I felt about you until I saw you go down onto that ledge. I thought I was going to go mad with worry. All I kept thinking was that I never should have allowed it, and if anything happened to you I’d have lost everything.’
What was he saying? ‘Sean—’
‘You said you loved me Ally.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘Did you mean it?’
She swallowed hard. ‘Of course I meant it.’
‘Well, I love you, too.’ He dropped her hands and cupped her face, forcing her to look at him. ‘I’ve never said that to another human being in my life before. I’ve never allowed myself to love anyone before, but with you it wasn’t something I could control. It just happened. You were right when you said that I never take risks. I don’t, usually. Not emotional ones, anyway, but with you I had no choice. I realised that today.’
Tears slid down her cheeks and she blinked them away. ‘You love me?’
He gave her a lopsided grin. ‘Madly.’
She sniffed. ‘You want to marry me?’
The grin widened and he nodded. ‘I’m going to marry you whether you like it or not. Someone has to stop you taking stupid risks.’
She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. ‘I can’t believe you mean it. I keep thinking I’ve trapped you.’
‘You have.’ His mouth hovered tantalisingly close to hers, the look in his eyes turning her legs to jelly. ‘I’m well and truly trapped. Just don’t ever let me go.’
‘Never.’ Ally shook her head, her heart thudding in slow motion. ‘I love you.’
‘I know you do.’ His eyes softened and his lips brushed hers, his expression wicked. ‘And I’m going to make you prove it—over and over again.’
Part of her was still anxious. ‘But you’ve never settled in one place…’
‘Well, I certainly can’t see myself permanently in a GP practice, you’re right about that.’ He gave her a rueful smile. ‘Rumour has it that Malcolm Roberts is leaving for pastures new, so there’s a vacancy for an A and E consultant coming up.’
Her face brightened. ‘That would be perfect.’
‘No.’ His eyes were suddenly serious, his knuckles brushing her cheek in a gesture of such gentle affection that she felt her breathing stop. ‘It’s marrying you that would be perfect. You do realise you haven’t given me an answer yet.’
‘Haven’t I?’ Swamped by happiness, her eyes teased him and she slid her arms round his neck to pull him closer again.
‘Well, Dr McGuire?’ He buried his face in her soft hair and gave a groan. ‘Are you willing to take a chance on me?’
‘Well, Dr Nicholson, let me think—’ Ally gasped as he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently. ‘The answer is yes. I happen to think you’re worth the risk.’
ISBN-13: 9781460375488
WORTH THE RISK
Copyright © 2010 by Sarah Morgan
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