Worthy of Redemption (15 page)

I got up and took another hit from the bourbon bottle. I turned on the stereo and took a couple of minutes to figure it out. Soon
Blue Monday
by Orgy was blasting from all corners of the room. I turned in search of my pile of luggage and other belongings that I had left by the door before going to work, but there was nothing there now. I walked over to the closet door and flipped on the light. My mouth fell open when I saw how big it was. My suitcases were on the top shelf and my business clothes and nicer clothes were hanging on velvet covered hangers, and my shoes were lined up on a shoe rack. My eyes grew big when I saw the pair of sneakers that Kyle owed me from two years ago. How the hell he remembered exactly what they looked like was beyond me. There were also a few newer items hanging in the closet. I ran my hands over the designer dress suits and checked the sizes.

“Damn, he’s good,” I whispered to myself, almost angrily.

I shut off the light and left the closet. I pulled open drawers and found my clothes neatly folded and everything separated. Pants were with pants, shirts with shirts, socks with socks, and then there was a whole drawer just for my undergarments – and some of them were also new, I sourly noted. I pulled out something to wear to bed and slammed the drawers shut.

The beginning chords of
Snuff
by Slipknot drifted through the room just as I let the towel drop to the floor. My leg felt sore. I looked down at it and gasped. There was a bruise forming in the shape of Vic’s hand on my thigh. I rushed over to the mirror and looked at it head on. When I saw just how close the bruise was to the junction between my thighs, I lost it. Even though the music was playing loud enough to drown out any noise I may make, I bit my lip to keep from crying out loud. Tears raced down my cheeks as I gingerly touched the bruise. I felt violated, stupid, and weak. I was very capable of defending myself and knocking the shit out of full grown men, but I stupidly put myself in a bad situation and allowed Vic to turn me into a victim.

After a couple of minutes, I pulled on a pair of panties and a t-shirt and climbed into bed without turning out the lights. I thought I heard knocking on my door, but I didn’t care. I had not felt so badly since I found out about Gavin’s death over the summer, but at least then I was crying for him. This time I was selfishly crying for myself after my own idiotic mistakes.

The knocks got louder, but I rolled over, putting my back to the door and tried to make the world go away for the night.

~Kyle~

Lily came down the stairs dressed in the gray suit I had bought for her while she worked yesterday. Her beautiful curls were gone and replaced with shiny, straight hair hanging loosely over her shoulders. When Lily was on the clock for Sterling Corp, she always toned down her makeup, but now it was lighter than usual. It somehow made her slate gray eyes more notice
able, which was why I took note to how blank they looked. It was like looking at the eyes of a corpse.

“I like the suit on you,” I said when she reached the last step.

“Thank you,” she said in a voice just as blank as her eyes. “Thank you for buying it and all of the other things.”

I knew her gratitude was sincere or she wouldn’t have said it, but her voice was co
mpletely void of emotion. I realize I had put her through a rough weekend, and I was probably a good part to blame, but I had a nagging feeling that Vic came into the equation somewhere. Corsey told me that he couldn’t really tell what was going on in the truck, but whenever he caught a glimpse of Vic’s eyes in the rearview mirror, it gave him a bad feeling. The way Lily leaped out of the truck was also an indicator, and her teary eyes all but screamed at some kind of violation. I had to try awfully damn hard not fly off at the handle when I saw her tear streaked face. For a half a second I saw bewilderment in her eyes, but then Lily’s pride set in and she did incredibly fast masonry work by building a wall around herself without any entries for me.

Later, after I verbally ripped Corsey a new one (but didn’t fire him), I had a couple of drinks to calm down before going upstairs to check on Lily. Her door was locked and the stereo was blasting at a high decibel, but I could have sworn I heard faint crying. The alcohol did nothing to calm me as I banged on the door again. When she still didn’t respond, I was tempted to get the key from downstairs and let myself in. I had images of her bleeding on the bathroom floor, but deep down I knew that wasn’t the case, that she would never go to those extremes again, regardless of how horrible her weekend had been. I figured she just needed to be left the hell alone, so that’s what I did, but it didn’t stop me from tossing and tur
ning all night worrying about her.

The ride into work was quiet. Any attempts I made for conversation was ba
tted down with short, cold responses. The only lengthy conversation I got was work related and very a-matter-of-fact. I wanted to question her about Vic again, but for once I kept my big mouth shut.

The rest of the day was much of the same. Lily was pretty quiet unless she had to speak. She managed small smiles for the staff where necessary, but othe
rwise, her face was a blank slate. She knocked on my office door instead of barging in like she usually did, she didn’t sit her cute, round ass on my desk, and she didn’t argue with me and put me in my place when needed. She was demure, a complete opposite of her usual open, casual self. The worst thing was looking into her eyes and seeing nothing.

One of my favorite things
about Lily was being able to gage what she was feeling or thinking by looking at her eyes, but now I was shut out completely – not that I deserved to really be in the loop in the first place. After calling out Emmy’s name, I was surprised she didn’t wrap her hands around my neck and squeeze.

I had followed her into her room
after I purposely called out the wrong name while we were having amazing sex, and finally got to see the tattoo that covered her back and wrapped around her hips. Lilies climbed and twisted up her back, reaching to heights just below her neck and shoulders. One word was scripted at an angle across the tallest and prettiest of the other flowers: Anna.

After seeing the back piece that was tribute to her lost daughter, I was r
eminded of all the things she had been through. Being the ass that I am, I just had to put her through one more fucked up situation. I wanted to apologize to her and tell her that I had done it on purpose, but I remembered why I did it in the first place – to push her away. By the time she got out of the shower, I had resolved to continue being a dick to make sure she wouldn’t quickly or easily forgive me, and so far it was working.

I hated it, especially since I knew there was something else wrong. When we got back to the penthouse later that night, Lily raced upstairs to her room without a word. It had only been a day and I already fucking missed her – missed her laug
hter, missed her hassling me, and missed her tell-all beautiful eyes.

As difficult as it was, I kept my distance for the rest of the week. I let her go her own way when we got home. We ate separately and whenever we had to pass by one another, we gave each other a wide birth. At work, Lily was sociable with the staff, but that part of her turned off in my presence.
Over the weekend we were both busy with work, but while I worked at the dining room table, Lily chose to work in her room.

This was what I wanted, right? I didn’t want her pining over me and I didn’t want to
destroy her like I had destroyed Emmy, but I felt like I had snuffed out a part of her, and I was having a hard time dealing with it. I didn’t want to care about her, but I did. If I was going to be honest with myself, I had started falling for her almost immediately after she walked through the doors at Sterling Corp. If I was going to be honest, I’d have to say that the more I found out about her personal life and the more I watched her, the more I really wanted her deep down. Something inside of this woman pulled me toward her no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

After a week of silence, I couldn’t take it anymore.
Even if I had hurt her, Lily was a very verbal person and had no qualms telling me what she really thought of me. At this point, I was ready to hear her verbally bash me than to go through another week of this oppressive silence. After another night of work, Lily ran upstairs and closed herself in her room. I stopped at the foot of the stairs, trying to talk myself out of going after her. I wasn’t worthy of her, but I needed to know she was okay.

I jogged up the stairs and rapped twice on her door. Lily opened the door a moment later. She was in the middle of changing. She had on yoga pants now, but no shirt. She stepped aside, giving me access into the room.

“You’ve been very quiet lately,” I said as I watched her pull on a shirt.

“Yes,” she agreed without emotion. “You wanted a professional relatio
nship, so that’s what I gave you.” She sat down on the bed with her hands in her lap.

“It’s more than that.” I sat down beside her. “I need to know that you’re okay,” I sighed. I hated admitting how much I cared about her out loud.

“You need to know that I’m okay,” she rolled the words around in her mouth before looking up at me.

Well, at least her eyes weren’t blank anymore.

“You need to know I’m okay so you can knock me down again? You need to know I’m okay so you can tell me how much you wish you didn’t care that I was okay? Do you need to know that I am okay so you can continue stalking me and then use what you discover to hurt me? Do you need know I’m okay so you can fuck me in your bed and then call out another name? Or do you need know I’m okay so you can then put up a stone cold wall to repel me? Why exactly do you need to know that I am okay! You’re one big fucked up contradiction! But if you must really know, Kyle, if you really
have
to know if I’m okay, the answer is no! I’m
not
okay!”

“What
do I have to do to make it okay?” I yelled back at her in frustration. She was right, of course, but I didn’t want her to pack up her shit and leave. The thought of her leaving, even after the messed up week and a half I made her have, made my chest ache. Emmy was always there with me, tucked away in a corner of my mind on some days and at the forefront on other days, but that didn’t change how I felt around Lily. She infuriated me. Sometimes I wanted to throttle her, and sometimes I wanted to tape her mouth shut, but she also made me smile. I craved her touch, even if she was just straightening one of my hideous ties, and I felt comfortable in her presence. I didn’t deserve her, but I wasn’t ready to let her go.

“Stop being a pussy!” she yelled and got to her feet. She stormed across the room to the bathroom and swung the door behind her, but it only closed half way.

I followed her across the room but stopped just outside the door when I heard the tell-tale sound of her peeing. “I’m not being a pussy by not wanting to hurt you,” I argued through the door.

“Newsflash, Kyle, you’re already hurting me.”

“But I don’t want to
break
you!” I yelled.

The toilet flushed and then Lily came into view when she stood over the sink to wash her hands. She kept glancing up at me, her mouth set in a thin line. She dried her hands before ste
pping out. She stood on her tip toes grabbed my jaw in one, slightly damp hand.

“You’re not going to break me, Kyle. You’re j
ust going to really piss me off.”

She wasn’t pissed off already?

“My god, you’re making me crazy. I feel like I have some kind of personality disorder around you. I’m up and I’m down. I’m angry and I’m…Well, let’s just say you drive me nuts,” she sighed. She caressed my jaw. “We have to start over.”

“From where?” I frowned and rested my hand on her hip.

“I don’t know, from right here I guess. Let’s not spend the night lost in emotionally charged conversations. We have to find some sense of normalcy, Kyle. My life has been topsy turvy for months and I really need something near normal.”

“What’s ‘normal’ to you?” I asked, still frowning. I was even more pissed at myself, b
ecause again she was right. Her life flipped upside down when Gavin died and instead of giving her the support she very well needed, I only added to her stress.

Lily released my jaw and rested her hand on my chest. “Tonight we can be two friends – not boss and employee, not…whatever the hell else we have been in the past. We’ll order some dinner and chill in my room and watch a movie on my new television with my awesome new surround sound system.”

The corners of her mouth had quirked up a little to form a small, playful smile. As I looked down into her gray eyes, I was awed by how quickly she had went from ranting at me, ready to kick my ass, to forgiving and smiling. At least I think she was being forgiving.

“A new TV with surround sound? How did you get so lucky?” I asked, f
ocusing on her beautiful mouth.

“I have a sugar daddy,” she said with a shrug and eased away from me.

What the hell? How did she get me smiling, too? I could feel it on my face as I watched her walk back to the bed. I rubbed my jaw where her hand had been.

“I can’t believe you touched me with your PP hand,” I called to her. I ducked just in time before a pillow sailed past my head.

~~~

We were supposed to be watching reruns of
The Big Bang Theory
but I had not looked at the screen in a long time. Lily lay stretched out beside me, looking at me with sleepy, but content eyes. I was on my side, my head propped up on one arm while my other hand explored the contours of her body.

I had started with her hands, running my fingers over each of hers before rubbing my thumb over her now visible scars on her wrists. I brought each scarred wrist to my lips and kissed them. When she smiled, I smoothed my fingertips over her plump lips before, stroking the soft skin on her cheekbones, and then down to her delicate neck. I ran my fingertips over each shoulder, across her smooth chest, and down the sides of each breast. My hand had made slow, lazy circles on her stomach before slipping down to her waist, leisurely across the top of her pelvic bone to the other side of her waist. Lily had a few extra pounds, more than I was used to, but I loved it.

“I’m pretty sure this isn’t what I meant by ‘normal’,” she murmured as my thumb stroked over her hip bone.

“It could become our normal,” I said after a moment.
I could imagine lying there with her like that day after day and never getting sick of it.

“You say that now,” she sighed. “But later you will be at conflict with you
rself again.”

I couldn’t agree with her, but I couldn’t disagree either.

“Okay, then we won’t think about later. We will just worry about here and now.” I leaned over and lightly pressed my lips against hers.

Lily pulled away from my lips and pinned me with her worried gray eyes. “I can’t,” she whispered.

“Why not?” I frowned down at her as my fingers moved over the elastic waistline of her yoga pants.

She frowned back at me
. She looked like she was going to tell me why we couldn’t kiss, but then she stopped. Then she said “We agreed not to have any emotionally charged conversations tonight.”

“You agreed,” I pointed out. “I didn’t agree to anything.”

Before she could answer, I slipped my hand into her pants and under her panties. I had her groaning a half second later as my middle finger dragged over her clit.

“That’s so not fair,” she breathed.

“Haven’t you realized by now, Lily?” I asked as I stroked her clit over and over, making her squirm and groan. “I don’t always play fair.”