Wrecked (37 page)

Two years ago

We were in my apartment
having the same argument yet again. Ada and I had been together for around
fourteen months; it was now February of my sophomore year. Our relationship
wasn’t going to make it to the next month if she wouldn’t shut up about this.

“Hunter,
you can’t keep fighting!” she yelled from the couch. “It’s just irresponsible!
Every time you have a fight I feel like I’m going to get a call that you’re in
the ER.”

I was
seated on the floor after another set of pushups, wearing nothing but a pair of
mesh gym shorts. “Really? I thought you said it was hot that I was a fighter.”
I knew that it would piss her off but I said it anyway.

“That was
before I knew you had MS!” Ada threw her hands up in the air in frustration.“I
mean, what if you get hit in the head, or even get knocked out? Don’t give me
some bullshit about how it won’t make it worse. I’m not stupid.”

I grinned
at her, knowing that I was just pissing her off even more. “I just won’t get
knocked out. No big deal. Haven’t gotten knocked out yet.”

“Ugh!
You’re impossible!”

“I don’t
need your pity, Ada. I can take care of myself in the cage. Besides, I’m being
as safe as I can.”

“Being as safe
as you can is still killing yourself!” she yelled.

I
shrugged. “I don’t know, I’m pretty sure I’m still alive.”

“You’re so
selfish,” she said bitterly.

“Selfish?
It’s my fucking body and I can do whatever the hell I want with it. Having MS
doesn’t change that.”

She
narrowed her eyes. “I’m not saying you can’t do what you want. I’m saying what
you want to do is really, really stupid.”

I shrugged
and got back into position for more pushups.

“This
conversation isn’t over,” she shrieked. “Get up!”

My knees
hit the floor and I sat up. “Okay. What else do you have?”

It looked
like she was trying to use her eyes to bore a hole into my chest. “You don’t
respect me. If you won’t stop fighting when it’s obviously so stupid, I don’t
think I can be close to you. Every time you fight, I’m worried you’re going to
get knocked out and die! It drives me crazy.”

I locked
eyes with her. “Ada, I do respect you. Still, nothing’s gonna stop me from
making my own decisions. If you don’t respect that, then I don’t know what to
tell you.”

She
narrowed her eyes in anger. “Oh my god, you’re impossible! I can’t do this
anymore. You’ve changed, Hunter. I remember when you were driven and had goals.
Ever since you got kicked out of ROTC, it’s been the same shit with you.
Showing people you’re in control of your life. Maybe you’re showing yourself—I
don’t know—but all you’ve shown me is that you’re a selfish child.”

Fuck her
shit, no one was going to tell me what to do. I stared at her for a moment and
got back down to doing pushups. She sighed angrily one more time before picking
up her bag and walking out the door. We broke up for good the next day.

Yesterday

I lay in
my hospital bed, hooked up to more monitors than I thought possible. This was
the worst I’d ever felt. I’d had another flare-up. I couldn’t ask Lorrie for
help so here I was, with Ada. She had driven me to the campus health center a
few days before, and since then she had visited every day. I appreciated her
help, but I was just waiting for the other foot to drop.

Ada and I
had fun when we weren’t dealing with my MS. But whenever my MS came up, a
bitter argument was soon to follow.
If Ada
didn’t agree with something, she would keep arguing until she got her way. She
didn’t seem to grasp the words “it’s not your business.”

Lorrie was
different. She didn’t know the full story, but she never pried, never tried to
tell me what to do. That night, after the fight, I could see it in her eyes: a
cool disapproval for the face bashing I just gave the other guy. Even though
she didn’t know me at the time, I could tell she didn’t like it. A girl like
her didn’t need the fighting, the violence, the feeling of going toe to toe
with an angry, out of control monster in a tight confined space, but I did, and
she never asked me to stop. I knew I should have told Lorrie about my MS but I
couldn’t.

Ada broke
into my thoughts. “I’ll be right back Hunter, going to grab something from the
vending machine.”

I nodded.

The first
time Lorrie ran into me outside the health center, I almost told her. Told her
about the disease that was eating through my nerves and would destroy my body
eventually. I’d been in the health center getting my monthly treatment. A 10cc
dose of corticosteroids, injected directly into my left thigh. Thing was, it
always put me in a sour mood. I’d be weak and tired for at least forty-eight
hours. Couldn’t train, couldn’t fight, couldn’t do shit. A useless bag of
flesh.

Usually,
I’d spend those days holed up drinking, watching TV, and fucking girls whose
names I barely knew. On the worst days, I’d never let anybody see me. Doctor
said no alcohol, but fuck him. Sometimes I’d melt one of the stupid model
planes I collected in high school over my stove top until it was a puddle of
gray plastic.

I’d clean
up the apartment once the side effects wore off. Toss out the beer cans, take
out the trash. Get ready to do it all over again in another month.

But that
day was different, I ran into Lorrie on my way out of the health center. I told
her I’d been getting a couple fight injuries patched up and asked her if she
wanted to hang out. Usually I didn’t like being around people after my
treatment, but Lorrie was different. We ate popcorn and watched some movies.
When she fell asleep on my shoulder that night, it almost made me forget about
my problems. That was the first night I broke from my post-treatment tradition
of getting wasted and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t tell her about the MS
though. I didn’t want to risk ruining what we had.

Ada came
back into the room from grabbing a snack and I snapped back to reality. Ada was
the first person I told about my diagnosis. Crazy as it was, that was the
tightest bond remaining  in our friendship. The only other people who knew
were Gary and the hospital staff responsible for my care. Well, them and
McHenry.

“How are
you feeling?” Ada asked.

“Just
tired,” I said. I felt a lot better ever since the doctor had come in the
previous night and told me I could probably leave midday today.

Her eyes
found mine. “Seeing okay?”

Sometimes
my vision got blurry during flare-ups but it wasn’t bad this time. I nodded.
“Yeah, today I’m seeing fine.”

“Good.”

We sat in
tense silence for a moment. The monitors I was hooked up to continued to flash
regularly.

“You
should tell her,” Ada said pointedly, breaking the silence.

I closed
my eyes. If there was one thing Ada didn’t mind doing, it was having the same
argument over and over. I sucked in a deep breath.

“Here,”
she said, handing me my own phone. Lorrie had texted me a few times, but I
hadn’t responded. What the hell was I gonna tell her?

“Not now
Ada. I’ll tell her when I’m ready.”

“If you
really think she’s different from other girls, you should tell her. The fact
you won’t makes me wonder if you really like her or if there’s something else
going on.”

“What do
you mean?” I growled, struggling to keep my voice down. Ada was just trying to
goad me.

“Don’t
take that tone with me Hunter. It’s a legitimate question. Are you sure you’re
not just into her because of her whole ‘my-life-is-so-tragic-save-me’ act?”

I tried to
keep a steady tone, but my chest was getting tight from the way Ada was talking
about Lorrie. “Fuck you Ada. You don‘t know the first thing about her.”

Ada glared
daggers at me. “Fuck you too. Are you going to tell her or not?”

“I’m crazy
about that girl,” I said evenly.

She threw
her hands up. “Well that’s nice, that you’re crazy about her! If you’re so
crazy about her, why not ask her to come to the hospital right now? Do you
realize the gossip I’m putting up with because I’m here with you? People think
you fucking knocked me up, Hunter. You might not give a shit about what people
say with your bad boy rebel act, but I do.”

I took
several deep breaths and managed to calm myself down. “I’m sorry, Ada. I didn’t
know people were saying all that stuff. Thanks for coming and checking on me, I
appreciate it, but I told you before that you didn’t have to come see me every
day. Gary’s been stopping by to check on me. I’ll be fine.”

Ada
crossed her arms. “If that girl really cares about you, how come she hasn’t
called you yet?”

It was
strange, but I figured it was a good thing since I didn’t have to explain being
in the hospital. “I don’t know. Look, she’s got plenty of problems of her own.”

Ada
continued like I hadn’t said anything. “I mean, a few texts, that’s it? Come
on, you’ve been gone for almost a week now, what kind of self-absorbed bitch
ju—”

“Ada . . .
” I clenched my fists, the IV a sharp pain in my forearm. Before I could say
something I’d regret, my phone buzzed from the table next to me. Lorrie was
calling me.

I froze,
watching it vibrate, my insides churning. What would I say if I picked up?
Hi
Lorrie, in case you didn’t have enough to worry about, let me tell you about my
chronic and potentially terminal illness.
Fuck that.

I looked
up to see Ada staring at me. “Hunter!” she shrieked. “What the fuck is the
matter with you? Why won’t you tell her?”

Fucking
Ada, everything was always cut and dry for her. Why didn’t she understand that
it just wasn’t that simple.

The moment
I first saw Lorrie’s face—after fishing her out of that lake—I knew there was
something about her. It wasn’t the shock on her expression from a near-death
experience or even the way her body shivered from the freezing cold. It wasn’t
anything on the outside. It was that look in her eyes that pierced me to my
damn core. I didn’t know anything about her, but I instantly recognized that
look from seeing it every day in the mirror. She was beautiful. And broken.

Even if
she didn’t tell me her whole story, she let her walls down for me. I understood
her need to protect herself and never pried. I just needed to be there for her.
When that asshole at the Tau Beta Pi party said that shit about her parents, he
was fucking lucky that Lorrie stopped me. I don’t know what I would’ve done.

No. Lorrie
didn’t need my sob story and I didn’t need her to pity me. She needed me to be
strong for her, to wipe away her tears, to hold her shuddering body tightly
against mine. Lorrie needed me to take away her pain, not add to it.

I needed
her too. Before she came along I was a fucking mess. Maybe she thought I was
her savior when I pulled her out of that lake, but I knew the real score. If I
hadn’t found her, I’d be so lost right now. I would’ve lost myself in the
drinking, brawling, and groupies. Lorrie never let me get away with that
bullshit. She saw right through me, but she was never pushy like Ada. Lorrie
knew how hard it was to try to make it through each day. She made me feel alive
again, like there was still something to look forward to, like I wasn’t just
waiting for the MS to knock me out.

We were so
happy during those days we were holed up in my apartment. It was like a dream
that I never wanted to end. Why couldn’t we have that for just a little while
longer? Why did things have to change?

“If you’re
not going to tell her then I will.” Ada picked up the phone with her hand and
my chest tightened. A white hot ball of fury clenched tighter and tighter in my
core. If Lorrie found out about my MS, things would never be the same.

“Don’t you
fucking dare Ada!” I gripped the side of my hospital bed, knowing that once she
set her mind to something, it was hard to stop her.

“What’s
wrong with you Hunter? Someone needs to tell her!” Ada stared at me with
accusing eyes.