Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (39 page)

He was the cocreator, executive producer, and star of Comedy Central’s
RENO 911!
for six seasons. He lives in Hollywood with his three cats, Baby, Heaven, and Pikachu. (He didn’t name any of them.)

He is currently adapting a manga by Tokihiko Matsuura for Disney.

THOMAS LENNON is a writer and comedian from Oak Park, Illinois. He attended the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University, where he cofounded the influential sketch comedy group The State. The State’s hit television series ran on MTV for three seasons and received an Ace Award nomination for best comedy series. After his work on The State, he and his partner, Robert Ben Garant, created two more hit shows:
Viva Variety,
which ran for three seasons and was also an Ace nominee for best comedy series, and
Reno 911!,
on which he also played Lieutenant Jim Dangle.
Reno 911!
ran for six seasons and was syndicated around the world.

As an actor, he has appeared in numerous films, including
Le Divorce, Heights, Conversations with Other Women, Memento, 17 Again,
and
I Love You, Man.

As a writer, he has written for the television series
The State, Reno 911!, Viva Variety,
and
Strangers with Candy,
and he is the author of four of IFC’s 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches of All Time.

He and Garant have written nine feature films together, including
Night at the Museum, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Taxi, Reno 911!, Miami, Balls of Fury,
and
The Pacifier.

He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, the actress Jenny Robertson, and their son, Oliver.

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That last part is not true.

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Memo to assistant: Google whether great white sharks have balls or not.

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If Orson Welles were alive today, his penchant for chili cheese fries would have made him approximately the size of the Griffith Park Observatory (pictured here, for scale).

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Do we really put
The Pacifier
up there with
Casablanca
? Yes. Yes, we do. But don’t trust us. GO BUY IT ON DVD RIGHT NOW; MAKE THAT DECISION FOR YOURSELF.

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Three of Clubs is apparently actually called: Three Clubs, 1123 N. Vine Street, Los Angeles, CA 90038,
http://www.threeclubs.com
.

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Los Angeles is in the Pacific time zone, three hours earlier than New York City.

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This part is pretty much not true. That’s not really how we “roll.” But there are occasional mixers, with some really nerdy guys and ladies. And occasional movie screenings. And there’s a PRETTY GOOD place to lock your bike in the WGA underground parking garage on Fairfax. DO NOT PARK YOUR BIKE AT THE RAILING OUT FRONT. THE SECURITY GUY WILL YELL AT YOU.

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A note on the “Free Movie Ideas” in this book:
We’re not kidding about these
. All of these ideas are yours free, with book purchase. Feel free to pitch and sell each and every one, no kidding! Hell, try to sell the sequels to them, too! And if you do, why not check out: CSO Yachts at
http://www.csoyachts.com
. They’ve got some of Europe’s most dazzling and flat-out expensive yachts for sale! Bon voyage!

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That is a ridiculous scenario.

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Subject to U.S. and state tax laws.

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Obviously this is a joke. DO NOT GO TO THE LIBRARY. The library is for creepy internet predators and homeless people.

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This has never happened to us. But we’ll take a check over accolades and Academy Awards any day. Yachts are more fun than trophies.

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All
scripts have Act III problems, according to them.

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True.

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Abbreviation of the Latin words
Nota Bene.
**

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Latin words for “Note Well.”

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This line of dialogue is yours free with the purchase of this book.

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Delgo
had the worst opening ever for any film on more than 2,000 screens. It is available on DVD.

†
Blue Streak
with Martin Lawrence grossed $117,758,500. It is available on DVD.

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Quel
and
Dommage!
are French words.

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The authors of this book are also members in good standing of the Directors Guild of America. Look for their forthcoming book from Simon & Schuster entitled
Directing Movies for Passion and BJs.

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Note to publisher: Easytators, or “Easy Taters,” is a good idea for some kind of deep-fried potato tie-in with the release of this book, at Cracker Barrel, Applebee’s, etc.

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As of this printing, Lindsay Lohan is NOT DEAD YET.

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Billy Crystal was not one of them. He’s not evil. He’s just a dick.

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Nina Jacobson. Brilliant woman who tried to prevent M. Night Shyamalan from making
Lady in the Water.

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At the time of this publication, Lindsay Lohan is not yet dead.

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German for “fourth place.”

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Beverly Park is a neighborhood you may not have not heard of. We hadn’t, even after living in Los Angeles for ten years. It is, in fact, one of the fanciest neighborhoods in the world. It’s a place for BILLIONAIRES, not millionaires. Just for fun, use your Google Map and search BEVERLY PARK (near Los Angeles, California), and make sure it’s set on “Satellite.” Then zoom in. WOWZA. Wait …
THOSE ARE HOUSES? They each look about as big as Versailles!
’Cause they are!!! They are as big as Versailles, only not as tacky!!!

† The Frolic Room is a terrific bar for hard-core rummies, barfly types, and screenwriters on Hollywood Boulevard, next to the Pantages Theater. There’s a jukebox, and the drinks are reasonably priced. The perfect spot to drown your suicidal thoughts or just spend the evening in a quiet knife fight. Charles Bukowski used to piss himself there!

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Mr. Pibb Zero is not a soft drink that exists at the time of this printing. It is rather the authors’ vision of a great, zero-calorie Mr. Pibb that might exist one day, in a brighter, better future. Imagine the great taste of Mr. Pibb, with none of the guilt. Hopefully, there are teams working on this idea as we speak.

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If anybody wants to buy a treatment for
Taxi 2,
we have one, never used, still in mint condition.

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No one in the industry refers to residuals as “ ’zids,” except for total douchebags. And occasionally cool stunt guys who get bumped up to a speaking role on the day of the shoot. In this case only, the use of “ ’zids” is totally acceptable. For example: COOL STUNT GUY: “Thanks for letting me yell that line of dialogue as I get my bell rung off that air mortar … the ’zids will help with the pain a little.”

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WE REPEAT: A BIDDING WAR IS THE BEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

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Note to Editor: This page is intentionally left blank, for future editions, pending the authors’ being nominated, or even accidentally invited to any awards ceremonies.

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Note: Could be an adorable dog instead of a chimp.

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“Art house” is Hollywood talk for “movie a studio wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.”

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DISCLAIMER: We cannot really teach you how to formulate characters.
No book can
. How do you come up with good characters? Develop your imagination, read good books, watch good movies over and over again, meet interesting people and hear their stories, and meet boring people and hear their stories. Experience things! See the world! Live! Love! Feel pain and joy and loss and victory and defeat!
And most of all—practice practice practice! Write! Write! Write!

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You know, like Batman, Zorro, Quint, James Bond, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, King Arthur, Dirty Harry, Atticus Finch, Rick Blaine, Lieutenant Ripley, Captain America, Flash Gordon, Sergeant Kyle Reese, Tech-Com DN38416, Jackie Chan, Johnny Grey, George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, General Patton, Davy Crockett, George Gipp, Steamboat Bill, Jr., “Hawkeye” Pierce, Elvis, Rocky Balboa, “The Man with No Name,” Snake Pliskin, Eliot Ness, John McClane, William Wallace, Spiderman, Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Geoffrey Thorpe, Captain Horatio Hornblower, Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood, Maid Marion, Trinity, Morpheus, Ferris Bueller, Jake and Elwood Blues, “Popeye” Doyle, Sonny Hooper, J. J. McClure, Sergeant Tom Sharky, Bo “Bandit” Darville, “Gator” McKlusky, Will Smith, John Wayne, Cary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, Strider, Gandalf, all them Iil’ Hobbits, all those dudes with the Right Stuff, The Fantastic 4, the Magnificent 7, Neo.

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You can also try this experiment with the
Rocky, Rambo
, or
Jaws
films.

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Somewhat!

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To our knowledge, no doctors recommend this.

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We throw an Oscar-watching party every year, so if you are at the Oscars and the cameras catch you, we might see you on TV!!!

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The studio usually doesn’t actually tell the writer they’ve been fired. You usually hear about it from a third party—that the studio has “moved on to fresh eyes” on your script. † Again, this is a good reason NOT to be bummed that you got fired. If the studio is hiring another writer, that means your movie might still be getting made. You’ll probably get some kind of credit, and that means a fat paycheck. (See
Chapter 30
, “Arbitration or Who Wrote This Crap?”)

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French for “THERE’S A GORILLA!”

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Lindsay Lohan’s character’s name in
Herbie: Fully Loaded
.

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At the time of this publication, Lindsay Lohan is still alive.

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This statement has not been verified by a medical doctor.

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This statement has not been verified by a medical doctor.

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Ernest Hemingway blew his brains out with a shotgun in Ketchum, Idaho. Not technically “the top of the world.”

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The SECOND BEST thing is the money.
We can’t stress this enough: HAVING LOTS OF MONEY IS REALLY, REALLY GREAT. There are TONS of fun things that you can do with money! Things like—create a Hybrid Lamborghini and fill it with candy. Be the first person to have sex with two stewardesses on the moon. Form a reenactment group that reenacts battles from
Lord of the Rings
and
Tron
. Create a HOAX. “Fix” an event in the Olympics. Hire a fifty-year-old stuntwoman to walk around with you dressed as your mother—throw her down stairs and through barroom windows! Hire Barbra Streisand to sing at your birthday party, then sit in the front row and yell “Booo!” Stage a coup. Sponsor TWO female roller derby teams and have them battle to the death. Build a TIE Fighter that really flies. (Dude—can you imagine how much tail you’d get at Comic-Con?) Go to Monte Carlo, put it all on black, and double it. Fly to New Orleans EVERY DAY for breakfast beignets. Sponsor your own “Batman”—you know, have some little kid’s parents murdered in front of him, then supply him with the finest in martial arts training and crime-fighting equipment. “Gaslight” an enemy. Build a full-size catapult in your yard, just to keep your neighbors on their toes. Build a sex robot. Rent Disneyland for a day and play Most Dangerous Game with the dude who plays Tarzan. Buy a street in Paris and name it Jar Jar Binks Street. Go to Vegas, put it all on black, and double it. Build a UFO. Make your own Zhang Ziyi out of marzipan! Spend $10 million on outdoor Christmas decorations and keep them up ALL YEAR ROUND. Start a cavalry unit. “Gaslight” a friend. Buy the island RIGHT next to Johnny Depp’s and do a giant outdoor Pink Floyd laser-light show every night. Put on a nonmusical version of
Cats
. Fake your own death, then jump out of your coffin at the funeral and yell “Boo!” Pay someone to break a world record—one of the gross ones that involves eating large amounts of something weird. Go to Laughlin, put it all on black, and double it. Open a Hotel for Imaginary Animals. Perfect teleportation. Stage a giant pie fight in Harrods’ food hall (without telling Harrods). Build some kinda James-Bond-villain-y super