Written in the Scars (16 page)

“Well, I’m sorry for wanting to have your child!” I burst out.

“I want you to have my child. I want you to have a fucking dozen of them!” he booms. “But my God, Elin. That’s all it was about. I felt like I couldn’t perform, like I was shooting blanks and you were judging me for it, and I swear to all that’s holy, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with us but the fucking pressure.”

I blink back salty tears as the truth lingers on my tongue. Before I can find the courage to tell him about the baby, he speaks again and I’m relieved.

“You were pissed all the time and that made me frustrated and it was just one thing after another. Every time one of us opened our mouths—”

“We’d fight,” we say in unison. Exchanging a sad smile, I bow my head.

“I wasn’t with another woman. I wasn’t on drugs, no matter what Pettis told you. Yes, I took that money to buy them, but I didn’t.”

Looking up at him, I hold my breath. “But you were going to?”

“Yeah. I won’t lie to you. I was just taking what I was prescribed, basically, although I went through that last script in about half the time. I was going to buy more and just keep the numbness I had going on to block everything out.” He takes a step towards me. “But I didn’t.”

“Where’s the money now?”

“I used it to live. Food, gas, whatever.” His face falls. “I pussed out. You asked me to go and I did. I just . . . I wanted a break from all the fighting. I thought we could take some time apart and really clear our heads, you know? Why come back if it’s the same thing?”

I want to tell him because I needed him, because I was silently pleading for him to return, but I don’t because that would require an explanation I’m not ready to give him. I cross my arms across my chest, both as an outward expression to keep him away . . . and to keep myself for reaching for him.

“Where did you go?” I ask.

“Kruger Farms. I stayed over there in the top of a barn of a farmer that my dad used to know.” He chews his bottom lip, watching me.

“And I’m supposed to believe that?”

“Yeah, baby, you are. You can call them and ask them, if you want.” He forces a swallow before squaring his shoulders to me. “I wasn’t an addict, or I don’t think I was. But the first few days of being there, I had to get off the pain meds. I was sick. It was worse than I thought it was going to be, but I did it. And if I went through all of that in front of you, you’d never look at me the same way again,” he smiles sadly. “I hit rock bottom, E.”

My chest heaves as the weight of his words falls on me. I had no idea things were this serious with him. A part of me wants to hold him, to ask him why, and another part of me wants to slap him for being so stupid.

More than ever, I’m looking at a man that, on the surface, I know better than anyone. But do I even know him at all?

“How do I know you won’t do that again?” I ask. “Do you want pills now?”

He smiles the most honest grin I’ve seen since he’s been back. “I have no interest. I only want you.”

My mind reels. “Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you let me help you?”

“That’s why I left, so maybe there would be some hope that we could fix this. That
I
could fix this. There was no way I could let you see me like that. It would taint you.”

“It still tainted me. It ruined our marriage.”

His features harden again. “Our marriage is
not
ruined.”

“There’s no way to fix this, Ty. Not like you want. Not like I’d want. I don’t even know you. I mean, drugs, Ty?”

“I’m clean. I swear to God. I wasn’t an addict or something, just starting down that road, but thank fuck I caught it. Or maybe you caught it by catching me. I don’t know,” he sighs. “I’ll fix this, Elin.”

“How do you think you’re going to fix the damage you caused when you don’t even know what that all entails?”

“Tell me,” he says earnestly.

I shake my head.

His eyes cloud, his voice wavering. “I need you, Elin.”

Looking down the hall, my chest tightens. I remember sitting in the bathroom that’s not fifteen steps from where we are, watching the toilet water turn pink after my doctor’s appointment. Feeling a part of me leave my body, a part of my heart ripping away.

I look at Ty. “Yeah, well, I needed you too.”

TY

Pain is streaked across her face, her anguish on display for the world,
for me
, to see.

I can’t take it.

If there’s one thing in this world I’ve wanted more than any other, it’s Elin Watson. From the moment I saw her at her locker, her body in a pair of jean shorts and a yellow top that fell off her right shoulder nibbling on a red sucker, I had to have her.

And I finally got her. I promised to take care of her, protect her, love her. Standing here, seeing the fallout from not doing those things destroys me from the inside out.

She watches me from across the room.

“Do you remember the first day I kissed you?” I ask, watching her face soften as the memory pops in her head. “I’d wanted to kiss you for days, but I was afraid to push too hard.”

“I remember Lindsay telling me to be careful around you. That all the girls liked you and you were a player,” she remembers.

“All the girls did like me,” I say, trying to bring her back to me. Trying to remind her that I’m the kid she fell in love with. “But I liked
you
.”

“Everyone said it was just because I was the new girl,” she says.

“Well, I’ve known you for a long damn time, and I want you more today than I did that day in the hallway outside of math lab.”

She looks out the window, a faint smile on her lips. “I told you no the first time you asked me out. Everyone knew you around town, everyone liked you. It was overwhelming.”

“It doesn’t help that on your first day, I kind of stalked you, huh?”

Elin starts to come around. The tension eases from her face, the lines weaken around her eyes as a hint of the sparkle comes back. “When you made Pettis get up from beside me at lunch, I was scared to death. I couldn’t figure out what you wanted from me.”

“I think we both know what I wanted from you,” I wink. “Your ass in those shorts . . .”

She laughs, the sound music to my ears. “You ended up getting it.”

Taking a step closer to her, she doesn’t move away. I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s a small victory I’m too happy to take. “Do you know what I want from you now?”

“Ty . . .”

“I just want my wife back, E. I want my life back.”

“You can’t just have it back,” she whispers. “Things were burned.” She looks at me through her thick lashes. “
I
was burned.”

“
I’m sorry
.”

She blows out a breath and glances quickly down the hallway. Swallowing roughly, she hesitates a long moment. When she looks at me again, something has changed. Her bottom lip quivers, her brows pull together in a concerted effort to maybe hold herself together.

“I could’ve helped you, Tyler. If you would’ve told me how you felt, what you were going through, we could’ve fixed it. But you didn’t trust me, and I can’t . . .”

Tears well up again and I reach for her. My heart cracking in my chest, she bats my hands away.

“Stop,” she says, her voice void of any strength.

“You want me to stand here and watch you cry and not want to comfort you?”

Smiling through the tears, she breaks my heart even more. “You can go, and I’ll cry by myself. I’ve gotten pretty good at it lately.”

“Damn it, Elin. What do we have if we don’t have each other? Everything we’ve ever wanted—every dream, hope, every idea of a family and a future—are tied together. You can’t just walk away from that.”

“I didn’t,” she says, finally breaking her silence. “You did.”

“I did not. I walked away to protect you.”

“Funny, I’m walking away to protect me too.”

Her voice cracks, and I don’t care anymore. I grab her and pull her into me, and she, surprisingly, lets me.

She doesn’t make an effort to embrace me, but I don’t care. I just hold her for dear life.

“Our future is in front of us,” I whisper, brushing the hair off her shoulder. “We can figure this out. I’ll get a new job, which you’ll love, because I know you hated the mine, and we can start a family.” I press a kiss to the top of her head. “I can’t wait to see your belly swollen with my baby.”

Her body shakes. I rub my hands down her back, not sure if she’s laughing or crying.

“We’ll paint the nursery and stay up late trying to figure out how to put together the bed and all the baby—”

“Stop,” she begs, her head buried in my shirt. “Please. Stop.”

Squeezing her tighter, I feel her emotionally backing away from me. She’s building some sort of barrier to keep me out, and I have to figure out how to tear it down quick.

“I swear to you, I’ll be everything you need. I’ll—”

She pulls back, her lips forming a thin line. “You were always everything I needed,” she says quietly. “I can’t imagine being with another man.”

“It’s a good fucking thing, because you won’t be with another man,” I point out. “I’ll kill him.”

“You aren’t the problem, Ty. It’s just . . .” She struggles, looking at the floor.

She’s all over the place tonight, both physically and mentally, and I can’t figure out what’s causing all of this vacillating. One minute she’s in my arms and the next she’s telling me she wants me to leave and never come back.

What the fuck?

A sick feeling crawls through my veins. “I think there’s more to this than you’re letting on.”

She gulps and turns her back on me, walking into the kitchen. I follow.

“Elin?”

“You need to go,” she says, her voice steady.

“I
need
to find out what in the hell happened while I was gone.”

She pops open the back door and leans against it. She looks at me with no feeling, void of any sadness, anger . . . or love. “Doesn’t matter, Ty.”

“That’s bullshit,” I scoff at her blatant lie. Her eyes go wide as I stand tall in front of her, the next words out of my mouth ones I don’t want to say, yet I have to. “You weren’t with someone else were you?”

“God, no!” she says, shocked. It’s obvious the idea is new to her, and that has me sighing in relief.

“Thank fuck.”

“Go, please, before I call Jiggs.”

“What’s he gonna do?” I chuckle.

She doesn’t flinch. “Go, Ty.”

My blood starts to boil, my fists curling at my sides. If she thinks this is over just like that, she’s out of her damn mind.

Her gaze is fire, her sadness turned to fury. I feel the fight begin, the switch we are all too familiar with.

“This isn’t over, you know that, right?” I say, heading to the door. “I’m just leaving so we don’t get into some huge argument and say things we can’t take back.”

She watches me hit the threshold, and I pause, waiting for her to change her mind. She doesn’t.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I say, watching her eyes widen.

“Don’t,” she whispers. “I’ll file papers when I get the—”

My laugh cuts her off. Bending down so we’re eye to eye, I make things crystal clear. “I won’t be signing any fucking papers, Elin. Ever.”

She sucks in a hasty breath, and I give her time to process my words.

“You are mine. You will always be mine,” I tell her. “Get that through your beautiful fucking head.”

“Leave,” she says, on the cusp of crying.

“I’m leaving, but get one thing straight,” I warn. “I’m leaving this house because
you asked me to
and because whatever comes out of my mouth from here on out isn’t going to do either of us any good.” I clear my throat, trying to get the rest of the words out over the lump lodged there. “I’m leaving the house, E. I’m not leaving you. And I will be back.”