Year Zero (21 page)

Carly said nothing.

Sonny grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look him in the eye. “A dizzy little sidekick who’s always causing problems. And you’re the most famous one
in the universe
. So why are you suddenly going rogue on me?”

Carly shook her head. “I … I’m not. Not at all. I decided to go to Earth
strictly
because of the episode that reveals that the Townshend Line is just a rickety piece of garbage.”

“Oh,
that
? Well, what about it?”

“It was obvious that once it aired, the Guild—or somebody—would start scheming to destroy humanity. And I just couldn’t sit by and let that happen. So I went to Earth to negotiate an end to the debt before it was too late.”

“But the Earth is perfectly
safe
,” Sonny said. “The Townshend Line is the most masterful piece of engineering crafted by any civilization since the dawning moment of the Big Bang. Bar none!”

Carly gave him an incredulous look.

“And by the way, that’s how I know City Boy here is just another Perfuffinite, no matter what you say about hooking up with him in the Big Apple,” Sonny continued, jerking a
contemptuous thumb my way. “I’ll bet the Guardian Council’s Inner Republican Guards couldn’t even get past the Townshend Line. So how could
you
pull it off?”

“Because it
doesn’t work
,” Carly said. “Just like our research team discovered by spying on the Guardians!”

“That wasn’t a discovery,” Sonny snapped. “That was a subplot.”

Carly looked completely aghast. “A
what
?”

“A subplot, duh.” Sonny took a couple deep breaths, then softened his tone. “Carly, you know our ratings have stunk since the news of the debt broke. And it makes no sense. I mean, I dig that people want to talk about the universe’s complete financial collapse. But after
ten days …
” He shrugged, shaking his head theatrically. “Anyway, the show needs a debt angle to stay relevant. So me and the writers cooked up the idea that the Townshend Line is caca, and we’re afraid that some unspecified bad guys will find out. Over the next few episodes we’re gonna have Frampton fix everything, using Science. And then you’ll almost mess it all up by seducing a rugby team. You know—the usual stuff. Only with a
debt
angle. See?”

Carly looked like she was on the verge of tears. “But … I didn’t have any idea.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Sonny said gently. “Nobody tells you anything. We told your big brother, though. Didn’t we, Frampton?”

Frampton furrowed his brow. “I think so.”

Sonny turned back to Carly, and pinched her cheek fondly. “You’re so precious. Always believing everything you see on reality shows—even your own. It’s a good thing you’re surrounded by smart, brave men who protect you.”
He gazed proudly at his son and clapped an arm around his shoulder.

“Well, with all due respect, sir, I think your subplot might have inadvertently gotten things right, because the Townshend Line has been awfully porous this week,” I finally said. “And I really am from Earth. I know you have cached copies of our Internet handy. So if you don’t believe me, just Google the entertainment law firm Carter, Geller & Marks, click the ‘Our Team’ link, and then click on ‘Associates.’ You’ll see me listed under ‘C.’ ”

Within moments, the relevant webpage had replaced one of the omnicab’s metallic interior walls. Sonny stared hard at my head shot, then looked at me with something verging on reverence. “Hold the phone … It’s you!”

It took five minutes and several Google searches to convince him that I had nothing to do with the Backstreet Boys. Once he was over his crushing disappointment (almost a half hour), I gave him all the details about Paulie and Özzÿ. As I told the story, he got increasingly excited and agitated. By the time I finished, he was pacing the length and breadth of the pod—a giddy, kinetic bundle.

“So, Dad,” Frampton said in a relieved tone. “It looks like you’ve figured this one out.”

“Right on. Land the flying saucer.”

I felt us descend and settle gently on the ground.

I turned to Sonny. “So what do we do?”

“First, we plug the leak on our team.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that
some
body told the Guild all about the Townshend Line episode that we just shot. Only whoever it was didn’t realize that it was all phony baloney.”

I nodded. “Which is how the Guild got the idea that they could cross the Townshend Line.”

“Exactly,” Sonny said. “Why any of you actually
could
cross the Townshend Line is beyond me. But the Guild clearly got the
idea
that they could cross it from someone who spied on the taping of our episode. Along with a bunch of other cockamamie ideas, I’m sure. So the culprit was on our set when we shot it, but doesn’t know doodly squat about what’s really going down.”

Carly’s eyes widened. “Catering?” she guessed.

Sonny nodded. “Obviously. They’re unionized, so they have ties to the Guild.
And
they’re the most clueless people with the show.” He patted his daughter gently on the shoulder. “Present company excepted.”

Carly gave her father a murderous look. “So then what do we do now?” she managed.

Sonny smiled ecstatically. “We’ll push the broadcast of our Townshend Line episode up. Way up. In fact, we’ll broadcast it
tomorrow
. Only we’ll add some footage of Earth Boy here walking onto our set, because that proves that the Line is really down.”

“But … why do that?” Carly asked.

He smiled even more rapturously. “Because the Earth is
doomed
. However impossible it is, you got through the Townshend Line. And now the Guild’s Enforcement Brigade is down there! For some reason they think Palooka Face here is a Guardian. But as soon as our episode tells them that he isn’t …” He paused, then flung his arms back triumphantly and bellowed, “KA-
BOOOOOOM
!”

“Right, right,” I said. “And that makes us happy because?”

“Because? Because? Because it turns out I was
right
about the Townshend Line, meathead. And it’s the biggest scoop
in the history of the universe—ever! So tomorrow’s episode won’t be reality programming, will it? No. It’ll be
journalism
, dig? And people will finally know how seriously they should take me.”

“Daddy, don’t you dare,” Carly whispered.

“Don’t I dare what? Finally prove that I’m more than just another gorgeous face?”

She nodded, stepping between me and her father like a mama bear shielding her cub from a pushy time-share salesman. “It would be the end of humanity.”

Sonny shook his head. “Carly, even if I wanted to hide the truth—and as a
journ
alist,
I don’t
—but even if I wanted to, Gotham here walked onto our set today. He’s all over our footage, and our production people have all seen it by now. One way or another, they’re gonna figure out that he came from Earth. And when they do, they’re not gonna keep their yaps shut. Sure, I can keep a lid on this for a day or two. And I’ll definitely keep Catering in the dark so the Guild doesn’t go and blow up the Earth before we can get our episode out there. But if I don’t run the story, the truth will come out anyway. And that would put humanity up the exact same creek they’ll be up tomorrow. Only
we
wouldn’t get the credit. Or the ratings.”

Carly gave him an imploring look. “But … but the episode will at least say that the bad guys are Guild people, right? Because then they can’t destroy humanity. Because everyone’ll know it’s them, right?
Right
?”

Sonny shook his head. “Carly, are you nuts? We don’t actually have
proof
that it’s the Guild down there. They’d sue us for eons! And even if we did have proof, do you think I want their Enforcement Brigade on my ass?” He shook his head again. “No. The episode just depicts us worrying about
some unknown bad guys. That’s how we shot it, and I’d be
bonkers
to change it.”

He started toward the pod door, which was still closed.

“Well dammit, Daddy,” his daughter hissed. “There’s more to life than ratings.”

Sonny stopped and turned, cocking an eyebrow. “Like what?”

“Like justice.” Carly suddenly sounded very tired.

Sonny paused and considered this for a moment. “You know, I really
liked
that,” he said. “But I think we both need to sell it a bit more.”

Carly nodded obediently. Then Sonny started toward the door again and she shrieked, “Well
dammit
, Daddy. There’s more! To life! Than
RATINGS
!”

He wheeled around and stared at her for a long, tense moment, then whispered, “Like what?”

“Like … 
justice
.” She crammed this through bitterly gritted teeth. With that, Sonny turned on a heel. The pod door flew open, and he stomped off. An instant later the door shut, and we rocketed skyward. The walls became transparent as soon as we were a couple thousand feet up. By now the sun had risen over the performance canyon, and the audience had gone.

I really wanted to let Carly have it at that point. And it would have been a great release to vent about her dad for an hour or three. Oh—and to unleash a primal scream to mourn my species’ awful fate. But our team needed to stay united if humanity was to have even a tiny chance of surviving, and Carly needed to remain calm. This made her toxic family dynamics a great subject to avoid. There was meanwhile a much safer topic that was baffling me, which also seemed important.

“So,” I ventured, “I couldn’t help but notice that you guys kind of … re-shot a couple of scenes—even though the cameras weren’t on you.”

“Cameras?” Frampton giggled.

“Nick, the great big things with the lenses down there are called ‘props,’ ” Carly explained, in the voice of a mommy who had brought her special-needs preschooler to work for the day. “And the people operating them are ‘actors,’ who play ‘production crew members’ in our ‘reality show.’ ”

Apparently
. One dumb question from me was all it took to bring Carly right back to normal. “They’re actors?” I confirmed.

“Well, more like extras,” Frampton said. “That’s why they all look kind of half human.”

“We want the show to look like it’s completely staffed with Perfuffinites, because that makes it more glamorous,” Carly added.

Frampton nodded. “But real Perfuffinites are expensive. So we hire our extras from these near-miss species.”

“And as for our actual cameras, stereopticons can record everything that happens in their presence from every conceivable angle simultaneously. And they do it in such a rich format that when you play a segment back, you can zoom in on anything, or move your de facto camera position to almost any point in the room. It’s all in the self-organizing light.” Carly touched her chunky medieval crucifix. It oozed into its compact, translucent form, and she held it up to me. “These are the real cameras. By wearing mine around my neck, I can record in three hundred and sixty degrees.”

“And does your audience really believe you’re making the show with that big crew, and all that old-school equipment?”

Carly shrugged. “I’m sure some folks do. And others have fun suspending their disbelief, and playing along. Pretending to use the same sort of gear that was used to create
The Osbournes
is one of our gimmicks. Since reality shows are a human art form, it’s seen as virtuous to create them using only human technology. But part of the art form is deceiving viewers into believing that fake things are real. So Dad decided that it’s fine to use Refined equipment when we pretend not to.”

“He’s … very committed to the show,” I said.

“You mean because he’s willing to
humiliate his only daughter
just to boost his ratings?”

“Yeah. And to—you know, destroy humanity. Assuming he’s actually serious about that.”

“Oh, he’s serious,” Carly said. “You can bet he plans to air that episode tomorrow morning at nine fifty-eight. But there’s really nothing to worry about.”

“Why not?”

Carly clutched my right hand with both of hers, went down on one knee, and fixed me with a freakishly intense gaze. “Because … I have a vow to make, Nick. Right now. In front of you, and in front of my brother.”

And in front of your stereopticon
, I thought. But I just nodded and let her continue.

“No matter how great the risks. No matter how terrible the odds.” She paused dramatically. “I am
not
going to let Dad embarrass me.”

“Yeah, I … wouldn’t let him get away with that.” There were nobler vows that she could have made at that point. But humanity needed all the allies it could get—and if this was the credo that would keep her fighting, I was all for it. “So now what?”

“We go to see pluhhhs,” Frampton said. He’d been off on the far side of the pod for the past little bit, working on something with his stereopticon. “I sent them an emergency signal, and they’re bringing us straight out to their planet.”

Carly gave her brother an amazed look. “That’s actually kind of smart, Frampton.”

He beamed.

“We’re going to see who?” I asked.

“pluhhhs,” Carly said. “They control the Townshend Line. They’re the ones who let us through it yesterday. And they’re the ones who notified us that someone else crossed it right after we returned—although at that point, they didn’t know who the trespassers were. By now, I’m sure they know it was Guild guys, and have probably figured out how they got through. And if anyone can bounce those bastards out, and never let them anywhere near Earth again, it’s pluhhhs.”

“Sounds fantastic,” I said, wishing we had gone straight to these badasses instead of wasting our time with Daddy.

“And because of the needs of the Townshend Line operation, their planet lies right on a Wrinkle Vertex,” Carly added. “Which means it can usually connect to most points in the universe almost immediately.”

“Great, so we don’t have to wait half a day to see them. When does our Wrinkle leave, then?” I asked.

“Now,” Frampton said.

This time I remembered to crouch down to the floor before everything got weird.