Yearning (27 page)

‘C’mon Max. What’s going on?’

Max was silent, looking down the road to the outskirts of town where he guessed his business resided. Looking back at Josh dozing against his grandad’s chest he made a decision.

‘She’s having an affair.’ He mumbled it into his chin, ashamed.

‘
What
?’ Josh was jolted awake by the exclamation. He started to cry, grizzling for bed. Max stood silently on the doorstep. Josh was insistent and wailing.

‘Bed, Pop. Go to bed. Beeeed.’

‘All right, all right. Jude!
Jude
!’

Jude arrived concerned and bustling to the front door,
taking the unhappy child from her husband’s arms. Seeing Max standing uncomfortably on the threshold she scolded Joe for not inviting him in.

‘Shut up woman,’ he snapped. ‘Max has serious business to deal with. Just take Josh, will you?’

Frowning she disappeared into the dark of the hallway with Josh crying. Joe set his laser gaze upon Max, keeping his voice low. ‘You know who?’

Max nodded.

‘Well?’ He paused. Max fidgeted with his belt. ‘Who?’

Max hesitated still. Discomfort everywhere in him. Finally he found a voice. ‘Some old high school teacher.’ He stopped short of saying Solomon’s name, the shape of it catching in his throat.

Joe hissed. ‘Damned bastard. I didn’t think he’d have the nerve to come back for more.’

‘More?’ Max looked at him confused. ‘What do you mean?’

Joe looked at his feet and shook his head. Max waited, his stomach churning. A knowing, an intuition, began to surface as he watched Joe muster his words.

‘You don’t know? She never told you?’

Max was impatient now, fresh outrage welling up in him. How much worse could this get? ‘Told me what?’

Their eyes met in a steady gaze.

‘Damned bastard got to her when she was only sixteen. He’s the reason we sent her to the city in the first place.’

Max was stunned, speechless. He struggled to grasp this new knowledge. Sums began to add up over and again in his mind as he tried to make sense of what Joe had just told him.

Joe interrupted his frantic thoughts. ‘You gonna teach him a lesson?’

Max glanced at him bewildered and enraged, still unable to speak.

‘He’s had it coming to him for years. If he was a woman he’d be a prize slut.’

Max returned the Joe’s intense gaze. He could hear Jude coming towards them down the hall. Last to know. How could she have not told him this? No longer able to face his in-laws knowing the truth, he turned away to his car, leaving Joe smiling cruelly in the doorway.

I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.

The Song of Solomon

Surrounded by crumpled tissues and too upset to sleep, she lay sniffling with the bedside light on. She worried what Max would to do to Solomon if he found him. She’d seen him like this before, possessed by an untamed rage that turned his eyes to black. Staring at the broken phone she cursed herself for being so careless.

The sound of a car door closing outside disturbed her and she called out nervously.

‘Max?’

With effort she pushed herself up and climbed groaning out of bed. She shuffled grimly to the front door, her vision foggy. Opening it she peered out and called out. ‘Who’s there?’

Solomon materialised from among the shadows.

‘Oh, God! Solomon. You need to get out of here. Max is out to kill you.’

Solomon looked bereft. ‘Babe? Are you okay?’

He came to her, encircling her in his arms. Her shoulders had been drawn back, braced for a fight with Max, but the unbearable kindness of Solomon made her sag. She collapsed crying into his shoulder. Between quiet murmurings he gently manoeuvred her back inside.

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ she wept. ‘I’m so sick. I forgot my phone. He saw your texts . . . He’s beside himself. You should go.’

‘I’m not worried about him, babe.’

‘You should be. He’s gone mad. He’s looking for you. And if he finds you . . . oh, God, Solomon, what the hell have we been doing?’

Solomon was quiet, stroking her hair away from her face.

‘I’m an idiot. I’m married, for Christ’s sake. I’m pregnant.’ She made a mess of snot and tears and regret on Solomon’s coat. He shushed her gently.

‘Which way is the bedroom?’

She led him there, hardly believing he had turned up. Her spirit rose with the thought that perhaps this was the moment she’d been waiting for. Now they could be together, he would say he wanted her, she would finally have him and this whole awful thing with Max would be over. Solomon settled her into her bed and went to find the bathroom, returning with two pills and a glass of water.

‘Here, take these, they’ll make you feel better.’

Between sniffles she gulped down the pills, looking at him through puffy red-rimmed eyes. ‘I must look like
shit,’ she said.

Solomon smiled as he sat next to her. ‘Yeah, but you’re sick.’

‘You should go.’ She was listening intently for the sound of Max returning. ‘It’ll be worse if he finds you here. I’ll be okay. He won’t hurt me.’

Solomon gazed at her seriously. ‘We have to end this, babe.’

No. This wasn’t what he was supposed to say. Her lip quivered.

‘It’s not fair on anyone,’ he continued. ‘I’ve been a selfish prick and I’ve no right to be in your life.’

‘What?’ Her voice was breaking. ‘This isn’t what you’re supposed to say. You’re supposed to say you love me.’ She paused, eyeing him hopefully. ‘Don’t you?’

He reached out to brush her hair from her forehead, his face pensive. ‘Babe, you know it would never work between us.’

‘No, Solomon! I don’t know that. How can you say that? We belong together.’

The weight of what she really wanted to say pressed down upon her. To declare she had always loved him, had never loved anyone else – what difference would it make to him now? Through fresh tears she looked at the man who had become so familiar to her; had been remembered so often the shape of his face had become a scar in her mind. Now he sat quietly soothing her and saying he didn’t want her.

‘I love you, Solomon. I always have.’

He gazed at her sorrowfully. ‘I know,’ he whispered.

‘I can’t let you go. I just can’t.’

‘You have to. I don’t belong in your life. I only hurt
you.’

He was being so honest, so composed, so infuriatingly, perfectly him. Her hopes were breaking apart and floating away like dandelion spores on the wind. It couldn’t be happening. Not again.

‘Do you love me?’ she asked, incredulous.

His gaze dropped away from her and she watched him struggle with an answer. Even now, after everything between them, he couldn’t give her this one, small admission. It dawned on her how little he gave, how careful he’d always been to avoid admitting to any feeling for her.

He sighed. ‘In my own way I guess I do.’

Frustration finally burst through her fever. ‘God, Solomon what the fuck does that mean? It’s a simple question. Do you love me or not?’

Solomon looked up at the ceiling. He’d told her he’d become tired of endings. They were exhausting, he said, with all the tears and blame and misunderstandings. No matter how clear he was at the beginning, more and more often his lovers had morphed a short-term arrangement into a long-term expectation. Watching him now she could see it in him, playing out on his face. He looked weary and sick of it.

‘I’m not looking for someone to spend my life with, babe, you know that.’

He sat with his shoulders drawn back, looking down at the rug between his feet. She guessed how often he’d been here before, pushing through the discomfort of this wretched conversation.

Sharp pain settled in the middle of her chest. She shivered. Withdrawing deeper under the covers, she
turned her back to him. She’d had enough of him. He was giving her nothing. Again. Even now, when he owed her, he still offered her nothing. She wished he would just go away. Or take her in his arms and declare he loved her and always had.

‘Magical,’ he said, placing a hand gently on her hip. ‘What we have is magical, which is exactly why we wouldn’t work.’

A sudden glint of truth touched her like a spark bouncing off metal. How stupid had she been? She’d spent years pining and dreaming and wanting to see him again only to discover that his heart was a black hole, drawing her love in and swallowing it into a void. All he offered her were moments. Isolated and useless moments of pleasure. Glorious sensual pauses in time. Islands of beauty in her routine life, disconnected from everything else that mattered.

She turned and looked at him, suddenly seeing how old he was. The skin of his handsome face had become limp and it had sunk into wrinkles around his eyes and ears. His once luxurious curls had dulled to grey and were thinning at his crown. If this was the best he could do then she’d had enough. She sat up to face him.

‘God-damn it, Solomon, can’t you see what you’ve done? I’ve spent my whole life yearning for you. You abandoned me when I was sixteen and you’re abandoning me now. You’re a selfish bastard. You’ve wasted my love, Solomon, and you’ve ruined me. No one has ever measured up to you. No one ever will. I can’t love anyone else. Not the way I love you.’

He went quiet and shifted away, turning to face the
bedroom door. ‘I’m sorry, babe.’

He shook his head, denying her, withdrawing from her. Their past, their present, she could see he wanted to be rid of it all. She lay back on her pillows and blew her nose, misery sinking deep into her bones. Max was out for blood; her life was wasted; her marriage was shit; this man she loved was a selfish prick who didn’t want her; a new baby was stirring in her belly. Could it get any worse?

He sat like an admonished child, his hands clasped in his lap. His smooth swagger gone now, she could see he was unsure of himself. Knowing Solomon, he was probably fighting the urge to run. She wanted him to face the truth of their early affair, she wanted him to show some guts and admit it had affected him as deeply as it had her. He looked utterly miserable and hung his head as he spoke.

‘You’re right. I have been selfish. I thought you would get over it. I thought once you grew up a bit you’d move on. I never wanted to hurt you. Or abandon you. But what choice did I have? You were only sixteen. I had to protect us both. I couldn’t risk making contact after we were found out. If it had got out there would have been a huge scandal. Neither of us needed that.’

She shut her eyes against his words. What did it matter now? He didn’t want her anyway. She shrugged carelessly and groaned a curse at him. He stood up and walked to the end of the bed.

‘I know you’re angry with me. I should never have crossed that line with you. Not then and not now. I struggled with it, I really did. Back then I blamed you and your letters, but that wasn’t fair. You were so young. I’m sorry,
babe, really I am. I hate the thought I ruined you. I wanted to help you, teach you how to enjoy sex. Wasn’t that better than the half-arsed fumblings your friends went through when they lost their virginity?’

‘Is that all I was to you? Some weird sexual mentorship?’ she said. ‘I loved you, Solomon, doesn’t that mean anything to you? My friends were flirting with boys their own age while you were teaching me how to give head and have multiple orgasms. What do you think that did to my expectations? Most men don’t know what you know, Solomon.’

Solomon fell silent. She looked up at him to see him watching her from the end of her bed. ‘I never thought about that. We lived in the moment. I never thought about the future.’

Of course he didn’t. Solomon was all about now. The glittering promise of the present was what he lived for, while she stupidly spent all her time, both then and now, thinking about the future. The bright, imagined future, the fantasy that underneath it all she was somehow special to him. She should have known. God knows, she knew him well enough. He hadn’t changed. Did she really expect that she’d be the exception to his rule?

Solomon was drawing invisible shapes on the quilt cover. He looked childlike, his index finger tracing lines and contours. She stared at him and wondered why she bothered to love him, this beautiful man with no heart.

‘Truth is, babe, I felt bad, guilty, when you disappeared. I wanted to talk to you but I couldn’t. I had no way of tracking you down. In the end I thought a clean
break was for the best and I just hoped you’d be okay.’

She stared at Josh’s dirty fingerprints smeared across the beige wall. Dirty fingerprints. She kept saying it over to herself. Dirty fingerprints.

‘When we met again I thought it was serendipity. It was my chance to finally put things right. We should have had this conversation then, at the beginning. Things might have been different if we had. But I avoided it. There’s something about you that makes me want you. I’d forgotten how delightful you are. In the end I couldn’t help myself.’

She was beginning to wish he would just stop talking. He stood waiting for her to respond but she closed her eyes and curled into the deep warmth of the bed. Oh, let him talk, she thought. If he talked all night he might eventually manage some honesty.

‘I realised I missed you. I’d missed you for a long time and didn’t know it. So I guess I must love you.’

There they were, the words she’d been longing to hear. They dangled between them, a hook and bait, but they weren’t as tempting as she’d expected. Wary, she lay very still and waited for his next move. He started towards the door. She let her lids slide open and watched her much longed-for prize walking away.

‘But just because I love you doesn’t mean we’d survive being together for keeps. How long do you think it would be before we were stuck in the same miseries as everyone else? No matter where relationships start, they all end up drowning in routine, in life. What we have is too beautiful to destroy with commitment.’

She watched him carefully. He was standing with his hand on the door jamb, talking to her over his shoulder,
already halfway out of her life.