Yes Please (10 page)

I bet you didn’t expect so many A-list names in my apology story!

A word about apologizing: It’s hard to do it without digging yourself in deeper. It’s also scary and that’s why we avoid the pain. We want so badly to plead our case and tell our story. The bad news is that everybody has a story. Everyone has a version of how things went down and how they participated. It’s hard to untangle facts and feelings. For me, as a person in comedy, I am constantly weighing what I feel comfortable saying. There are big differences between what you say on live television and what you say at dinner, but you realize you have to be responsible for all of it. Each performer has to figure out what feels right. I am a strong believer in free speech and have spent most of my adult life in writers’ rooms. I have a high tolerance for touchy subject matter. There isn’t a taboo topic I can think of that I haven’t joked about or laughed at. But I have an inner barometer that has helped me get better at pinpointing what works for me and what feels too mean or too lazy. I like picking fair targets. I don’t like calling babies on websites ugly or comedy that relies on humiliation. I love ensembles and hate when someone bails or sells their partner out. I love watching a good roast but don’t think I would be particularly good at roasting someone. Maybe it all comes down to what you feel you are good at. I have a dirty mouth but know that I don’t always score when I work really blue. I have a sense of what kind of jokes I can get away with and still feel like my side of the street is clean. I like to lean my shoulder against limits and not depend on stuff that is shocking.

That being said, I still made a joke about someone being disabled. I didn’t know it was a real person, but why does that matter? All of this left me stuck in that guilt intersection. I knew I was wrong but couldn’t move. I lived in fear of running into Chris and Marianne, which was strange, because there really wasn’t anyone else in the world I was afraid to be in a room with. This made famous-person stuff stressful, because Chris was famous and an actor and there was a high chance I would run into him at an award show.

I don’t want to back-door brag as I make my way to the end of this apology tale, so let me just front-door brag and talk about the cool people I get to be friends with. I am friends with Kathleen Hanna and Adam Horovitz, aka Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys. I can’t believe I am friends with them. I love Kathleen’s music and I am in awe of her social activism and general awesomeness. I asked her to interview me for
Interview
magazine when I was just a sketch performer whom nobody knew. She said yes because she supports young women. This is the artist who pulled women to the front at her rock shows. She shows up and does the work and is the real deal. Now she is my friend. Her husband, Adam, is also my friend. I used to listen to the Beastie Boys on my Walkman and dream about meeting them. Now I have Adam’s e-mail. I’m blowing my cool cover but I am so psyched we are friends. I am also friends with Spike Jonze. Guess who else I am friends with? Kim Gordon! Norman Lear! Martin Short! It’s awesome! I can’t lie, it’s so awesome!

See how I am trying to distract you from the shitty thing I did?

Anyway I was at dinner with some of these people and Spike mentioned working with Chris. I told him my story, and how five years had passed and I was still sitting on this feeling that I had blown it. Spike gently reminded me that it’s never too late to reach out and apologize.

Spike told me he was looking at some similar themes in his new movie
Her
. What I didn’t know then was how a year later I would watch that beautiful movie about loss and love with my wonderful new boyfriend, Nick Kroll. I would watch the scene where Joaquin Phoenix reads an apology letter he writes to his ex-wife, and I would cry for all the things behind me and all the things yet ahead. Spike offered to connect me to Marianne, and I gratefully agreed.

Then he sent me this:

From:
Spike Jonze

Date:
March 11, 2013

To:
Amy Poehler

Subject:
Fwd: Hey from Marianne & Chris

I didn’t realize the whole situation.

I’ll leave it in your hands.

I’m sorry, Amy.

Being a grown-up is hard.

Marianne is an awesome woman. I’m sure you guys would get along great if you met in a different situation.

big hugs

x

On March 11, 2013, Leone, Marianne wrote:

From:
Marianne Leone

Date:
March 11, 2013

To:
Spike Jonze

Subject:
Re: Hey from Marianne & Chris

Yeah, I was furious at the skit she did on
SNL
and wrote her a letter to tell her. The skit was a gratuitously cruel slap at disability which wasn’t funny in the least. What made it so, so horrible was that she was talking about the Somoza twins and the script I wrote about their lives. It was also the same night Hillary Clinton was on and I knew that Anastasia was watching it with friends, since she was in Texas stumping for Hillary, so I knew she saw herself being parodied in a horrible, unfunny, cruel way. I was doubly insulted for the twins that Poehler never had the class to answer the letter, so, quite frankly, I am glad that it bothered her. (We had our return address on the letter, and, face it, we’re not that hard to find.)

So, Spike, what I feel now is that I, we don’t need an apology from her, but if she wants to make it up to ANASTASIA, she can contribute to her staying at London School of Economics for another year to get her Master’s in Human Rights. Nothing will stop Anastasia. She will effect change in the world.

Love always,

Marianne

I read Marianne’s e-mail and was devastated. I pictured Anastasia watching the show and seeing me make fun of her. I waited almost a month and sent this.

From:
Amy Poehler

Date:
April 1, 2013

To:
Marianne Leone

Subject:
Truly sorry

Dear Marianne and Chris,

I am writing to apologize. This is most likely an example of “too little too late” but I am writing to you to apologize for a Dakota Fanning sketch I did on
SNL
many years ago. It was a sketch that upset you and Anastasia, and one that moved you to write to me.

It has always bothered me that I never contacted you both. I regret that. I spoke of this to Spike and he very nicely connected us. I am grateful to him for giving me this opportunity, and appreciate you taking the time to read this.

I am very sorry for any pain I caused. I apologize for an insensitive portrayal of what was a loving and important project. I am truly sorry for hurting Anastasia in any way.

I do not think it’s funny to make light of disabilities. This is not the kind of person I am or have ever been. The sketch was not written by me. The mean prop used was not seen by me until live on air. In fact, I had no idea that we were referencing a real film. I assumed it was yet another “adult” project that we would joke about Dakota Fanning working on. These are not excuses. I take responsibility for my negligence in understanding the context of what I was saying, but it’s important for me to tell you these details.

Anastasia deserves an apology from me. Feel free to pass this along if you feel that is helpful or send me her email if you deem it appropriate. I visited her Indiegogo page. She is an awesome young woman and I have no doubt she will continue to live an amazing life.

Again, I am sorry. I send my best wishes to you and your family, and my deepest condolences regarding the loss of your son.

Thank you for reading this.

Amy

Rereading it now I notice a few things. I got a little caught up in the facts. I was hoping to defend myself. But it felt really good to try. Apologies have nothing to do with you. They are balloons in the sky. They may never land. They may even choke a bird.

Then I got this.

From:
Anastasia Somoza

Date:
April 7, 2013

To:
Amy Poehler

Subject:
Re: Fw: Truly sorry

Dear Amy,

Wow!!!! Oh my goodness, what a lovely surprise!! Thank you so very much for your donation to my campaign launched to raise funds that will hopefully cover the cost of my caretakers in my 2nd year at LSE, and for the kind message you wrote to Marianne and Chris, which they graciously forwarded along to me.

They are two of the most amazingly wonderful, loving people I know and have been incredible supporters of me and my family!! I adore and admire them just as much as I do my own parents, for countless reasons, but most importantly for being a spectacular Mom and Dad duo to gorgeous Jesse!! It is thanks to them, Spike, many more of their closest friends and other fabulous people that I am at LSE today stressing out (like a typical grad student) over first year final papers and comprehensive exams that are fast approaching!

I always knew you never meant to hurt us in doing the skit. After all, you didn’t even know we actually existed so I realized it wasn’t personal. It also certainly helps to know that you weren’t aware of the back story or real life references portrayed. That being said, Chris, Marianne, my family and I have worked tirelessly to make equal opportunity, the inclusion and positive portrayal of people with disabilities in society the norm rather than the exception. As such, I was upset more generally speaking, about the skit contributing to a severe lack of knowledge, awareness, understanding and empathy around disability. Too many people already fear, and are often disgusted or put off in other ways by disability and it saddened me to think of the impact the skit may have had in adding fuel to that fire.

Just as you felt relieved I’m sure, to have the opportunity to apologize and express certain details to Marianne, it is important to me that you now know more about why the skit mattered. I hope you understand that Marianne wrote to you out of a deep love for her son, and my family for sure, but also precisely because the struggle to change the perception of disability goes far beyond us and the more people exposed to this reality the better.

I’ve seen several episodes of your web series
Smart Girls at the Party
and I truly believe that the show’s goal in celebrating “extraordinary individuals who are changing the world by being themselves,” represents who you are and what you believe in, far more than the skit. It takes strength and character to admit responsibility by acknowledging, to Marianne and Chris, that you could and indeed should have done more to inform yourself about what you were being asked to act in the skit. I agree and greatly appreciate, admire and thank you for your honesty and willingness to recognize that.

The sincerity of your apology and your generosity mean more to me than you will ever know and it made my younger sister Gabriella giddy with excitement!!! I hope you’re enjoying a sunny Sunday and thanks again from the bottom of my heart!!

Warmly,

Anastasia

Look at this woman. This beauty. What an act of grace. What a gift she gave me.

Shame makes people abandon their children and drink themselves to death. It also keeps us from true happiness. An apology is a glorious release. Anastasia gave me a huge gift. That e-mail changed me. It rearranged my molecules. She has lived a life of struggle and decided not to pick up the armor. She teaches me about compassion. She makes her journey about open hearts. She is not ashamed.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

apology letter from the brain

apology letter from the heart