Yes Please (17 page)

The whole business of working mothers and stay-at-home mothers is so touchy (or tetchy, if you’re a Brit). The subject inherently sucks. Not a week goes by without annoying and bullshit articles claiming “breast milk makes kids better liars” or “you should have only one child unless you live on a farm.” We torture ourselves and we torture each other, and all of it leads to a lot of women-on-women crime. Here are some examples:

1.  A stay-at-home mother is introduced to someone as “Aiden’s mom” rather than her own name, which apparently doesn’t matter.

2.  A working mother is out at a function and people say, “What are you doing out? Don’t you have little kids? Who’s watching them?”

3.  A new mother talks about how she is breast-feeding her baby because she “just wants [her] baby to be healthy.”

4.  A working mother sees a woman breast-feeding and asks her, “Are you still doing that?”

5.  A working mother acts like she is too busy to answer e-mails.

6.  A stay-at-home mother acts like she is too busy to answer e-mails.

7.  A stay-at-home mother talks about how she doesn’t work because “they are only young once” and she doesn’t “want to miss a thing.”

8.  A working mother talks about how “it’s not quantity, it’s quality.”

9.  A stay-at-home mother needs a nanny, can afford one, and refuses to hire one, and in doing so denies her kids another caring and nurturing adult and denies herself some much-needed personal time and self-care.

10.  A working mother relies too heavily on her nannies and feels defensive about it, so she overcompensates by talking nonstop about some weird music class she took her kid to once.

11.  A stay-at-home mother approaches a working mother and grills her about how many hours she works. She gets really interested in what time the working mother leaves in the morning and comes home at night. Then she comments, “I honestly don’t know how you do it.”

I’ve gotten the last one a lot. The “I don’t know how you do it” statement used to get my blood boiling. When I heard those words I didn’t hear “I don’t know HOW you do it.” I just heard “I don’t know how you COULD do it.” I would be feeling overworked and guilty and overwhelmed and suddenly I would be struck over the head by what felt like someone else’s bullshit. It was an emotional drive-by. A random act of woman-on-woman violence. In my fantasy I would answer, “What do you mean how do I do it? Do you really want to know the ins and outs of my nanny schedule? Do you want to know how I balance child care with my husband and the different ways I manipulate and negotiate work to help me put my kids first when needed?” Sometimes I would fantasize about answering the question “How do you do it?” with quick one-word answers: “Ambivalence.” “Drugs.” “Robots.”

Of course, the ultimate comeback would be “Obviously you don’t know how I do it. Because you don’t do it. You couldn’t. What do you do, again?”

See what I did there? Crime!

There is an unspoken pact that women are supposed to follow. I am supposed to act like I constantly feel guilty about being away from my kids. (I don’t. I love my job.) Mothers who stay at home are supposed to pretend they are bored and wish they were doing more corporate things. (They don’t. They love their job.) If we all stick to the plan there will be less blood in the streets.

But let me try to answer the question for real.

Do you want to know how I do it? I can do it because I have a wife. Every mother needs a wife. My wife’s name is Dawa Chodon. Sometimes it is Mercy Caballero. It used to be Jackie Johnson. Dawa is from Tibet and Mercy is from the Philippines. Jackie is from Trinidad. Over the past five years they have helped me and Will take care of our children. We are lucky. Some people cannot afford this option and have little family support. Every mother needs a wife. Some mothers’ wives are their mothers. Some mothers’ wives are their husbands. Some mothers’ wives are their friends and neighbors. Every working person needs someone to come home to and someone to come get them out of the home. Someone who asks questions about their day and maybe fixes them something to eat. Every mother needs a wife who takes care of her and helps her become a better mother. The women who have helped me have stood in my kitchen and shared their lives. They have made me feel better about working so hard because they work hard too. They are wonderful teachers and caretakers and my children’s lives are richer because they are part of our family. The biggest lie and biggest crime is that we all do this alone and look down on people who don’t.

Can’t we all agree that more eyes on a kid is ultimately better? Doesn’t that at least lower the chances of him running into the street?

Now let me tell you about the music class I took my kid to once.

my world-famous sex advice

I
THINK SEX IS GREAT
.
I love it and I am here to say I am good at it. Here is my World-Famous Sex Advice. Please follow it to the letter and don’t challenge me on any of it. Note that all of this advice is meant for older people (strictly eighty-plus). This advice works for both straight and gay couples but you’ll have to do your own work with switching the pronouns. All sex, in this instance and every instance, should be between consenting adults. Thank you in advance.

Ladies, listen up.

1.  
Try not to fake it.
I know you are tired/nervous/eager to please/unsure of how to get there. Just remember to allow yourself real pleasure and not worry about how long it takes. If it makes you feel better, set a time frame. Say to your partner, “I think you are going to have to work on me for close to forty-five minutes and then we can see how it’s going and regroup.” God punished us with the gift of being able to fake it. Show God who the real boss is by getting off and getting yours.

2.  
Stop being so goal oriented when it comes to sex.
You might not make it to the finish line every time. Don’t worry about it. Each part of the journey can be great.

3.  
Keep your virginity for as long as you can,
until it starts to feel weird to you. Then just get it over with. Try not to have your first time be in a car.

4.  
Don’t have sex with people you don’t want to have sex with.
Remember that no matter how old you are, every time you see that person the first thing you will think of is “I had sex with you.”

5.  
Don’t get undressed and start pointing out your flaws or apologizing for things you think are wrong with your body.
Men don’t notice or care. They are about to get laid! They are so psyched. Men are very visual, so if you don’t want them to look at your stomach just put fake mustaches on your breasts to distract them.

6.  
Get better at dirty talk.
Act like a bossy lady ordering at a deli. “I want the ham on rye and make sure you toast it!” If your guy is bad at dirty talk tell him to shut up. He might like that. If you don’t like dirty talk, don’t worry about it. It’s pretty hot if done well but it may not be up your alley. Also, try not to stick things up your alley.

7.  
Don’t let your kids sleep in your bed.

8.  
You have to have sex with your husband occasionally
even though you are exhausted. Sorry.

9.  
Don’t make fun of men.
Don’t be mean to them or hurt their feelings. Try not to crush their dreams or their balls.

10.  
Stay away from pics and videos.
They last forever and you don’t want a snooping babysitter (me) to find them.

11.  
Laugh a lot and try new things with someone you love.

Gentlemen, rules for you. Eyes up here, please.

1.  
We don’t need it to last as long as you think.
Hurry up. We are so tired.

2.  
We don’t want to remember your penis.
We want to remember everything else but hopefully your penis is just a wonderful blur of goodness. If your penis is too big or too small or goes to the side or has a weird thing, we will remember it. If you have something very weird, tell us right away so we aren’t wondering if you know. Then we can laugh and get back to doing it.

3.  
You can’t fall asleep right after.
You have to stay awake for at least a few minutes. Remember, if you fall asleep we will stare at you and evaluate you. This is a very vulnerable time when we may decide we don’t want to have sex with you again.

4.  
Keep it sexy.
Don’t believe what you see in movies. It really isn’t cute when you stick out your gut.

5.  
Cool it on the porn and jerking off.
We think porn is great and so is jerking off, but if we are going to have sex it may cause some problems. If you depend too heavily on the technical or visual then you may not notice the real flesh-and-blood person in your bed.

6.  
Be nice, tell your woman she is hot, never shame her, and never hurt her.

7.  
Work on your dirty talk too.
Try different things but keep trying. Avoid the words “climax,” “moist,” and “mom.” Don’t speak in a fake accent. Or blaccent.

8.  
If you don’t get an erection, we know it’s usually not because of us.
We look concerned because we are wondering if it will keep happening.

9.  
Stay away from orgies.
They just take so much organizing and I feel like your time could be better spent.

10.  
Open up
and try new things with someone you love.

11.  
If you don’t eat pussy, keep walking.

gimme that pudding

I
HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR SOME AWARDS
.
This is very cool. I have hosted a few award shows, which is also cool. My first was the High Times Stony Awards in 2000, and the last was the Golden Globes in 2014. The Upright Citizens Brigade had a strong and early relationship with
High Times,
which was then a magazine filled with Jerry Garcia conspiracy theories and sexy centerfold pictures of weed. For you young readers, the term “magazine” used to mean a collection of printed papers that you would hold in your hand and read by turning the pages. Still confused? Try this . . . picture folding your MacBook and sticking it in your pocket. Oh, you kids don’t use MacBooks anymore? You use eyelid screens and mind cameras? Bully for you. I digress.

Let’s all just agree that acting awards are strange. They are based on the idea that a committee of a select few puts a bunch of very different performances next to each other and then decides who gets the pudding. Don’t get me wrong—to be in the company of other great actors and valued for your work is a whole lot better than being ignored. Nothing is worse than being ignored. Glenn Close said it best when she told Michael Douglas in the romantic comedy
Fatal Attraction,
“I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, DAN.” She was so upset about being ignored she cooked a bunny on the stove. You don’t even want to find out what I would do. A lot of people don’t know I am always thisfuckingclose to doing some crazy shit.

Getting nominated for an award is very exciting. Anyone who says it is not is either lying or on a very strong beta blocker. You have a one-in-five chance of getting the pudding! That being said, I have not won very often. Always a bridesmaid, I guess. By that I mean people are always mistaking me for someone from
Bridesmaids
. I have also been mistaken for “that girl from
MAD
tv
,” and Chris Rock once called me Rachel Dratch, proving once and for all that Chris Rock is horribly racist.

The worst part of being nominated for any award is that despite your best efforts, you start to want the pudding. You spend weeks thinking about how it doesn’t matter and it’s all just an honor and then seconds before the name of the winner is announced everything inside you screams . . . “GIMME THAT PUDDING!!” Then comes the adrenaline dump, followed by shame. You didn’t even want the pudding and here you are upset that you didn’t get it. You think about all the interviews you did talking about the pudding or all the interviews you passed on because you didn’t want people to think you wanted that pudding too much. You leave the awards show hungry and confused. To combat this, I decided to distract myself in that awkward and vulnerable moment the “winner” was annouced. I decided to focus my attention on something I could control.

Bits! Bits! Bits!

The first time I was nominated for an Emmy it was for Best On-Screen Orgasm in a Dramatic Civil War Reenactment. Just kidding, it was for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy, for
SNL
. As would become the norm, I was included in a great group of women whose work I admire. I had an idea that we should all wear mustaches when our names were announced as nominees. Then I heard Sarah Silverman, who was nominated for Outstanding Lead Actress, was planning on doing the same thing. She had even brought her own mustache with her. I chalk it up to great minds. A quick scramble ensued and I collected a series of props in hopes they would work. If I remember correctly, they consisted of some crazy glasses, an eye patch, and a monocle. You know, the things every girl must have in her purse when on the red carpet. I remember how fun it was asking the women if they wanted in on it and how quickly everyone said yes. Jane Krakowski, Kristen Wiig, Kristin Chenoweth, Elizabeth Perkins, and Vanessa Williams were all game. Since Vanessa’s name was announced last I thought it would be funny if we all did something stupid and then Vanessa just shook her head like “Hell no, I am not doing this stupid bit.” I called her from the car on the way to the show and started to feel better. First, because I had a secret, and that always feels exciting. Second, because my brain was focusing on something besides the pudding. We all did the bit, but because we didn’t let the producers know we were doing it and it was the first award of the night, they didn’t put our faces on the screen inside the auditorium, so it all kind of played to silence. This only goes to show the commitment of all those women to stick with the plan no matter what. Julia Louis-Dreyfus wanted very badly to join in even though she was in a different category, which shows you how much power distraction can hold. I ended up having a very fun night and coming to the realization that the less seriously I take these things, the better. I honestly don’t even remember who won that year. (Kristin Chenoweth.)