You Dropped a Blonde on Me (17 page)
There was just no budging her firm stance. In tired defeat, Maxine laid her head on her friend’s shoulder, inhaling the comforting scent of her perfume. The tears she’d hoped to thwart dripped from her eyes, falling to her feet in big, salty drops. “I think I never want to do this again.”
“Play bingo?”
“Leave the house.”
“But if you don’t leave the house, you can’t go out with the luscious Campbell Barker. Niiiice coup, my friend.”
Maxine pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. “Um, I think you made the coup.”
“Me?”
Maxine measured her words, fighting to keep any hint of green out of her tone. “Yeah,” she offered casually in a no-big-deal kinda way while she stared at her sneakers. “You guys were yucking it up in there. Seemed like you were having a pretty good time.”
With all those hot dogs and all that giggling over those hot dogs . . .
With all those hot dogs and all that giggling over those hot dogs . . .
“All he talked about was you, Maxine.”
Her head shot up. “Reeeeaaaallly?” She paused. “Wait. Jesus. That sounded all girlie and high school, didn’t it?”
“It did.” Len grinned her confirmation with a wink.
Bleh. “Forget I said that. Forget he talked to you about me. Just forget it all.”
“Why would I forget it? It’s the most animated and interested I’ve seen you in forever.”
Maxine slapped her hands on her thighs in disgust. “That’s the whole problem, Len. I shouldn’t be animated or interested just because of a man. I should be animated about me. I should be interested in me. It should all be about me at this point in my fucked-up-ness. Me and Connor. I should perk up over
me
-stuff, not man-stuff. I think it’s obvious from the way I look, I’m not so animated about me.” And she couldn’t summon up enough disgust for herself to change that. “I spent way too much of my life catering to someone else’s idea of who I should be. Never again.”
me
-stuff, not man-stuff. I think it’s obvious from the way I look, I’m not so animated about me.” And she couldn’t summon up enough disgust for herself to change that. “I spent way too much of my life catering to someone else’s idea of who I should be. Never again.”
Len’s hand reached out for Maxine’s. When she took it, her friend squeezed it affectionately. “Honey, I’m going to say something that might piss you off, but you know me. I’m not afraid to tell you when I think you’re being a dipshit.”
She showed her affront by way of a snort. “I’m being a dipshit?”
“Red-alert-level dipshit. You can be empowered without being a Nazi about it.”
Okay, so maybe empowerment should be utilized in small doses. “Are you saying you think I’m pushing my limits of self-discovery to an all new and dramatic height?” She batted her eyes at her friend and giggled.
Len patted her hand. “What do you think?”
“I think you’re answering a question with a question.”
“That’s because I know you have the answer.”
Oh, she had answers. She just had to make sure they were lifestyle changes instead of just empty words. “It’s okay for me to like a man without thinking I’m going to lose myself entirely. Happy?”
“I’m happi
er . . .”
Emphasis on the “er.”
er . . .”
Emphasis on the “er.”
Maxine swallowed, letting another one of her fears loose into the universe. “I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll fall into the same old traps I fell into with Fin. I’m scared witless if I ever become involved again my whole world will end up revolving around pleasing someone else before I find out what pleases me. So just finding someone even a little attractive has my guard up.”
There, have some more dark, deeply rooted paranoia to muck through.
There, have some more dark, deeply rooted paranoia to muck through.
“I get it. Knowing you don’t want to do that again is sort of half the battle, right?”
“I didn’t ever want to do it to begin with, Len. I just did.”
“But you were like twelve when you got married. Your idea of what a relationship should be was formed while watching
As the World Turns
and
Punky Brewster
. It wasn’t by trial and error or life experience. Fin was your
only
experience. You were immature and goo-goo-eyed, but you’re not twelve anymore, honey.”
As the World Turns
and
Punky Brewster
. It wasn’t by trial and error or life experience. Fin was your
only
experience. You were immature and goo-goo-eyed, but you’re not twelve anymore, honey.”
If there was one thing she was going to remain firm on, it was not losing herself to an intimate relationship before she had a relationship with herself. “I need to find out who I am alone. If I can be independent, stand on my own two feet—and that has to happen before I consider anything else.”
They sat side by side in silence for a moment. The warm breeze sifting between them while Maxine pondered her last statement. Couldn’t she do both? The real question was, could she keep herself in check enough to make sure her lines didn’t blur while she did both? “Campbell makes my knees a little weak. I thought at first it was just osteoporosis, but I’ve come to the conclusion he’s just nummy.”
Len’s eyebrow rose. “He’s definitely weak-knee worthy.”
Just admitting that had her stomach doing a Highland fling. “I can’t believe I said that out loud.”
Len’s throaty laugh filled the air. “It’s okay to enjoy the fact that a man finds you attractive without feeling like you’ve been rendered powerless, Wonder Girl.”
Maxine scoffed, frowning and ready to offer up one of her ultimate fears in her defense. “Says you. Do you remember how obsessed I was with making Fin fall back in love with me again after his first affair? Do you remember the Dr. Phil books I read obsessively? Better yet, do you remember the extremes I went to? I had a boob job, for Christ’s sake. I gave up so much of myself just to cater to him. I’m never giving up that much of myself again to a man, Len.” Not without a fight.
Len’s face softened. “Not every man is Fin. I thank Jesus and all twelve for that revelation every night. I’m grateful I know enough to know there’re still good men to be had. But answer me this. Do you really think if you become involved with someone someday, you’ll curl up and die in some dank, dirty corner if he lets his dick do his thinking for him again?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Point made.” Len smiled.
“I don’t get it.”
Len’s lips thinned in disgust. “Do you remember Fin’s first affair? Do you remember telling me you didn’t know who you were if you weren’t his wife? Do you remember telling me you just wanted to curl up and die if you had to live without him, despite the fact that he’d been unfaithful?”
God. Yes. She remembered. It had been the darkest, loneliest, most pitiful admission she’d ever made. She wasn’t ever going back to that black void of empty fear. Ever. “I remember. Those were some dark moments, huh?”
She massaged the back of Maxine’s hand with soothing fingers. “The darkest, and through the entire thing I kept thinking, ‘Why the hell doesn’t she get mad? Why doesn’t she insist he go to counseling with her to help her deal with the kind of insecurity and pain an affair creates in a marriage? And if Fin refuses, just like he did, why doesn’t Maxine just leave his ass flat? Why is his infidelity only her burden to bear when she didn’t do anything wrong? And why, why,
why
does she think just because Fin owned up to it he deserves some kind of Medal of Honor for bravery in the line of marriage?’ It made me want to throttle you, my friend. Instead of dealing with that head-on, you stuffed all of those emotions way deep down and set about making everything perfect for Fin. The
last
person on Earth who deserved that kind of treatment. If anyone should’ve been making nice, it was him.”
why
does she think just because Fin owned up to it he deserves some kind of Medal of Honor for bravery in the line of marriage?’ It made me want to throttle you, my friend. Instead of dealing with that head-on, you stuffed all of those emotions way deep down and set about making everything perfect for Fin. The
last
person on Earth who deserved that kind of treatment. If anyone should’ve been making nice, it was him.”
Hearing Len’s thoughts about her archaic behavior from that time in her life made Maxine cringe with a shudder. That she couldn’t see then how Fin had manipulated his admission of infidelity into doing her some kind of favor because he’d confessed it made her want to claw his eyes out now.
As ashamed as Maxine was to admit it, there’d been many long hours to fill while Fin was off at work or some business dinner when she’d wished he’d never told her in the first place. Who did it really benefit when you confessed an affair? It relieved the guilty party, but it brought a wealth of residual pain for the one who’d been deceived. “My self-esteem was at an all-time low.”
“Ya think, Maxine?”
Oh, yes. She thought. “I admit my views on relationships were skewed.”
“The skewedest I’ve personally ever borne witness to,” Len joked.
“I’ve been thinking . . .”
“You want a drum roll?”
Maxine smiled. Hearing Len point out some of her old habits made the desire to create healthier habits more clear. “I know what I don’t want in a relationship—if, and that’s a big if, I ever set sail on the relationship boat of love again, I have a list.”
“I love self-revelation. It’s all deep and shiny. So share,” Len encouraged with a smile and a nudge.
“I don’t want to feel like my entire world’s coming to an end because a man doesn’t love me or want me or decides he wants to trade in his older model Lamborghini for a newer Ferrari. I want to fill my life, Connor’s life, with more self-worth than that.”
“Know what I think, Maxine Cambridge?”
Maxine chuckled. “I’m all atwitter with anticipation, friend.”
“Just your admission that you’re afraid of giving up too much of who you’re becoming to be in a relationship that isn’t exactly what you want is a clear sign you’ll be on the lookout for the red flags.”
A lost piece of the Maxine puzzle resurfaced and clicked into place. She wanted a life full and rich with the things she loved, so if she ended up sans man forever, she’d still have a soft place to fall.
“Look at me all growing. Though I’m not ashamed to say I would have rather grown with a checking-account balance,” Maxine joked, meeting her friend’s gaze.
“You are, and thank God. You’re not defining yourself by the attention and praise of a man anymore. I swear to you, honey, you really can be in love and not have to give up everything you enjoy to do it.
You
define you, Maxine. No one else can or ever will again. So don’t go overboard with the ‘I’ll never touch a man with a ten-foot pole again’ where Campbell’s concerned. Sharing your life with someone can be a wonderful thing if you remember the key word is
sharing
.”
You
define you, Maxine. No one else can or ever will again. So don’t go overboard with the ‘I’ll never touch a man with a ten-foot pole again’ where Campbell’s concerned. Sharing your life with someone can be a wonderful thing if you remember the key word is
sharing
.”
“Who’s going overboard here? Campbell and I aren’t even remotely involved. We aren’t anything.” Though maybe being “something” wasn’t nearly as offensive as she’d once thought it would be. Not now that she’d shared what hindsight had taught her about her marriage.
“Which means I’m one step ahead of you in the ‘don’t be a dried-up man-hating shrew for the rest of your life because one man sucked the very soul from you for all of your wasted youth’ speech. Enjoy Campbell’s interest for what it is. If nothing comes of it, then nothing comes of it. Just breathe.”
Maxine’s laughter was carefree. For the first time tonight, her lungs felt less like big ten-pound weights in her chest. If only her bruised nose would follow suit. “So . . .”
“So?”
“He asked about me?” She toyed with the zipper on the front of her sweat suit with clammy fingers.
Her friend’s eyebrow cocked, her response mockingly solemn. “Oh, he asked.”
Maxine shot for an air of indifference when she said, “So tell me what he asked.”
“Nope,” Len said with a chuckle, putting her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “He can tell you himself. The only thing I will tell you is he’s had the BFF warning. He knows I’ll saw off his love sacs if he even considers jerking you around.”
“How thoughtful of you,” Maxine teased, rising to pull Len up with her. “You won’t reconsider telling me just a little bit?”
“Nuh-uh. I’ve interfered enough. Though, if I were you, I’d maybe consider giving him some kudos for liking the real Maxine.”
“Meaning?”
Len’s look was critical when she waved her hand up and down the length of her friend. “Honey, you look horrible, and still the man thinks you’re a slice of awesome. Think of it this way. If the two of you ever get to the wonking stage of the game, morning breath and smeared mascara won’t make him want to chew his arm off.”
Maxine threw her head back and laughed. “He’s a brave warrior.”
“He’s a nice one, too. I liked him. And he’s pretty brick shithouse to boot.”
Yeaahhh. So much brick shithouse Maxine had to fight to take in more air every time she saw him. “I’m not even technically divorced yet. I think it’s a little premature to date anyway.”
“That stopped Fin? Or have you forgotten he’s
engaged
?”
engaged
?”
“Doesn’t make it right, Len,” she murmured. Right sucked. But there was Connor and setting examples to consider.
“Nothing about what Fin’s done is right. You don’t love him anymore. The married point is moot. The real point is you’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. They’re just taking an ungodly amount of time to get through. You know you want a divorce. You just don’t have one yet. But you will, and in the meantime, it’s hurting no one if you date as long as you’re honest about where your divorce is at.”
Which was nowhere, though she wasn’t about to share that with Len. She’d only tell her she needed to find a new, better lawyer with the invisible cash she was supposed to summon. “I have to be
asked
on a date first,” she hinted, fighting the flutter of her heart against her rib cage at such a notion. A date. She hadn’t been on a date since senior prom.
asked
on a date first,” she hinted, fighting the flutter of her heart against her rib cage at such a notion. A date. She hadn’t been on a date since senior prom.
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