You Had Me at Halo (2 page)

Holly nodded her head and lifted her fingers to her lips and pretended to zip them together before returning her attention back to Vince. He certainly didn’t look like he was going to die. Then again, Holly supposed that she hadn’t looked like she was going to die either. However, the rest of her thoughts were lost as she watched her stepmother walked to the front of the church and smoothed out a piece of paper.

She could just guess what was on it.
Holly Evans has been the bane of my existence for as long as I’ve had the displeasure of knowing her and despite how much she denies breaking my favorite Clarice Cliff vase, I know she did it...

Of course she knew her stepmother was too clever to say these things aloud, but Holly bet her beloved Miss Sixty jeans, her stepmother was thinking them on the inside.
Well, Mrs. Evans number two, you won’t be burdened by me any longer
, Holly thought sullenly.

Her eyes were drawn to Vince Murphy again. If she didn’t know better she would say he was about to collapse. Holly could scarcely believe it and she spun back to Tyrone and shot him an accusing glare.

“You didn’t say he was going to die
now
. As in, right in the middle of my funeral. I’m sorry but this is too much. I don’t get to make up with Todd, I don’t get my wedding and now I don’t even get my own perfect once-in-a-lifetime funeral?”

Again someone hissed at her and she was just about to tell them to shut up when all of a sudden things started to get a little bit shaky. She stretched out her hands to grab hold of the rail that was attached to the large glass window she’d been staring out of all morning.

Holly had been through a lot of strange experiences in the last two weeks—dying, finding out that heaven wasn’t full of M&Ms and Friends repeats, being told off every time she opened her mouth—but there was something different about this. For a start it felt like she was falling. Down. Through a long white tunnel.

Then she opened her eyes as she realized she was hovering just millimeters from her own dead body, complete with puffy face, bad lipstick and a polyester dress.

Oh dear.

Tyrone hadn’t been joking.

She really was getting kicked out of heaven.

CHAPTER TWO

“Right, Miss Holly Elliot Evans, client number XY4588890. The time is two-oh-five and this session will commence immediately. My name is Dr. Alan Hill and I’m here to help.”

Huh?

Holly blinked and stared around her. This wasn’t right. She’d been to St Luke’s Church on the corner of View and Elm plenty of times over the last twenty-two years; her most recent visit being a few seconds ago when she’d seen her dead body. But wherever she was now, it wasn’t church.

Everything
, from the funny round beanbags in the corner over to the books in the floor-to-ceiling shelving, was white. Unlike in Level One, there were no windows anywhere to be seen. No wonder she was a little hot and flustered. Did she mention that none of this made sense? What had happened to her? Was she more dead then dead?

“It’s all right to feel a bit confused, Miss Evans. It’s perfectly natural after such a journey. Just take your time.”

Holly blinked again. The man talking to her was sitting on a white leather chair, which was floating in the air. He had red hair, chubby fingers and what looked like a pair of Nike trainers on his feet. Gosh, commercialism really was far-reaching.

“What’s going on?” Holly finally managed to speak. She just hoped that her voice didn’t wobble too much. “And why was I flying over my dead body a minute ago?”

“Oh, well that’s part of the treatment to help you tap into your emotions.”

“And why would I want to tap into my emotions?”

“Because it’s part of the healing of course.” The man seemed surprised. “Surely you read about it in your rulebook when you first arrived in heaven?”

Holly shook her head. She had been given the book on the first day, but to be honest, she had been too annoyed to do anything more than glare at it a few times. Besides, if they really wanted people to pick the thing up, then they should consider a more inspired title than,
The Official and Unabridged Manual for the Recently Departed—Complete with References and a Fully Illustrated Appendix
.

“Oh.” Dr. Hill seemed to be working out how to deal with this detour. “Well, I suppose I should give you a run down of what’s going to happen, then. You see some people who die just don’t quite manage the transition as smoothly as others, and that’s where I come in.”

Holly looked at him blankly.

“Hmmmm.” The doctor ran his fingers through a strawberry curl. “Let me explain it another way. When you first die, you get purged of all your human baggage and worries, so that you can be ready to take on the divine joys of heaven. But sometimes it doesn’t work and you need a bit of...prompting.”

Holly groaned as she dropped down onto the long white couch she had suddenly noticed was beside her. “You’re a shrink, aren’t you?”

“Well, I prefer to use the word spiritual realigner,” Dr. Hill admitted.

“A shrink,” Holly repeated in disbelief. “I’ve been kicked out of heaven and sent to a shrink because I was talking too much?”
Could today get any worse?

“This is not a punishment. I’m here to help.”

“Look, I think there’s been a mistake. Yes, I was a bit upset about the whole dying thing. But trust me on this; I’m not crazy. I went to one of you guys back when my dad died and he said the same. I’m fine.
Fine.”

“Well, that’s good.” He clapped. “Because that means it won’t take long to remove all of your earthly issues and send you back to Level One in shipshape condition. So how about we start with something basic? Like ink blots.”

“But I’m fine,” she repeated as the man shuffled over to his white filing cabinet and pulled out a large stack of cards. “You can ask any of my friends. They’ll tell you that I’m the most together person they know.”

“Okay, Miss Evans. When I hold up the first picture, tell me what you can see, and don’t be afraid to say anything you want.”

Holly folded her arms and glared at him, but this didn’t stop him from waving the ink blot and giving her an encouraging nod. She let out a disgruntled snort. “Okay, so perhaps I was a
little
mad before, but surely you can’t hold that against me. For a start did you see what Rochelle Jackson was wearing to my funeral? Where’s the respect?”

“Ah, see? Now that’s progress.” Dr. Hill gave an enthusiastic smile. “So how about this one?”

Holly didn’t even look at the picture as the gnawing frustration that had surrounded her since she first arrived in heaven once again surfaced. “And it’s not just that my funeral was ruined; this whole dying thing has pretty much screwed up my life as well. I had plans, Dr. Hill. Lots and lots of plans.”

“Okay, and this one?” The doctor seemed to be inching away from her with a fearful expression on his face as he held up another card.

Holly ignored it. “For the last few years I’ve been working so hard to make something of myself. Just as it all starts to come together, I suddenly wake up and find myself dead. Poor Todd probably thinks that I wanted to kill myself rather than marry him. Which is so untrue. There’s nothing I wanted more than to be Mrs. Todd Harman and now he’ll never know.”

“Hmmmmm. I sort of thought it looked like a cat, myself,” Dr. Hill said in an over-bright voice but Holly was beyond noticing.

“What’s even more annoying is that I didn’t take any pills. Nothing. Tyrone keeps assuring me I don’t have to worry about it because it’s all in the hands of divine justice, but I’ve got to say that judging by the way this operation is run, I’m not sure I trust divine justice to get the job done. Someone must know how I died, so why aren’t I getting any answers?”

“You’re not talking about the ink spot are you?”

Holly got up from the sofa and looked at him in astonishment. Had she really just revealed all of that information? Normally she was a lot more controlled. Then again, she had never been dead before. It obviously brought out her inner bitch. “I guess you were right. I did have some issues, after all. You’ve got to understand that I don’t want everyone to think I screwed up when it wasn’t my fault. But I can’t clear my name on earth, and I can’t tell my dad because he’s on Level Three. I’m stuck and there doesn’t seem anything I can do.”

The doctor scrambled to his feet and started to speak into a credit-card sized piece of plastic. “We’ve had real progress with this session and Miss Evans has definitely turned a corner.” Then he put the small machine back on the desk, and Holly spun around to face him.

“I have?” She tried to hide her surprise. “Wow, I must say I didn’t really think those inkblots would work, but once I started talking I just couldn’t stop.”

“See.” He beamed. “I told you it wouldn’t be so bad.”

“So does that mean I can go back to Level One and be purged?”

“Er, no.”

Holly felt her lip start to quiver. “But you just said I’d turned a corner.”

“That’s right. A big corner. You’ve acknowledged you have things that need to be sorted out, which is why you’re ready for a manual purge. Tyrone said you might need one, but I had been hoping to avoid it.”

“Me too,” she agreed since there was nothing good about the words,
manual purge
. She’d never had a colonic irrigation, but this sounded similar.

“I’m afraid it’s going to be necessary. But don’t look so frightened; they’re not too bad. Just a bit extreme. Now just let me have a peek on the computer and I’ll see what’s available.”

Tyrone was right: She should’ve just kept her big mouth shut. In the past Holly had been an achiever. Good marks at college? No problem. Getting accepted onto Baker Colwell’s graduate program? Easy. But dying and getting sent to heaven? Must try harder.

“Ah, well isn’t that lucky.” Dr. Hill seemed to be talking to himself. “There’s an immediate opening. It’s so much better if you don’t have to wait.”

“W-wait for what?” Holly finally dredged up the courage to ask.

“Wait to go back to earth to confront your past life of course.” Alan Hill shot her another strange look. “Miss Evans, have you read
any
of your rulebook?”

“You mean you’re sending me back home?”

“That’s right. Only for two days and it’s just to help you deal with your recent death. You see right now you’re still bound to the earthly plane by your issues. But as soon as they’re resolved, you’ll be more receptive to moving up through the levels.”

Holly stared at him. “This is amazing and look—I’m sorry about all the rude things I said before. I guess I was a little bit fired up, but this is beyond anything I could’ve hoped for.”

Doctor Hill looked a little bit concerned. “So you do understand what you’ve got to do?” he checked. “This isn’t just for a social visit. You need to get your issues sorted out so you can be purged.”

Holly reached over to his desk and grabbed a pad and pen. “That’s right. So let’s see...Obviously I need to find out how I died and then I need to let everyone close to me know what really happened so that they understand I loved them and would never purposely kill myself.” She looked up and grinned. “They’re my earthly issues and once I sort them out I can kiss Level One goodbye and see my parents.”

“Er yes.” He still looked a little bit surprised. “And I must say it’s nice to see so much enthusiasm. Some people aren’t quite as keen. Though since I’m almost ready to send you back, it’s probably good you’re so excited.”

“Are you kidding? This is brilliant. I still can’t believe I’ll see Todd again. Oh and this means I’ll hear his proposal.”

“Actually.” He started to cough. “The thing is—”

“Because.” Holly hardly heard him as a grin spread across her face. “I’m sure a lot will be forgiven once I get that ring on my finger. I mean wait until you see the size of the rock—I’m not just talking big, I’m talking enormous...Oh and I hope my roommates haven’t moved my stuff out of the apartment yet.”

“Miss Evans—”

“I mean, my rent’s paid up until the end of the month, so—”

“
Miss Evans
.”

“What?” She blinked at him in surprise. “And why are you shouting?”

“Because it’s the only way to stop you from talking.”

“Oh.” She winced. “I’m sorry. I tend to talk a lot when I’m excited.”

“Yes, but that is the thing.” Dr. Hill gnawed on his bottom lip and looked a bit uncomfortable. “You know, you really should’ve read the rulebook, because it would’ve made this a lot easier.”

“Made what a lot easier?” Holly demanded, not liking the way he was avoiding eye contact. That couldn’t be good.

“Miss Evans, you’re not going back to earth as yourself, because your human body is now officially dead.”

“That’s right,” she agreed. “I just saw myself in the coffin. That’s why you guys need to nod your head or twitch your nose to give me a new body.”