You, Me and Other People (20 page)

‘Are you sure?’ Giles asks me, his frown ageing him immediately.

I nod my reply. I’m on the rota to work today and, though lingering jet lag tells me I should have stayed in bed, I’m determined to get through it.

‘We’ll need Adam’s consent before we market it.’

‘You’ll get it.’

He smiles, excited no doubt at having my beautiful home to sell. I’ve made sure I’m sitting behind my desk when I tell him. I don’t want a hug or a kiss or anything that could be misconstrued. I have no idea how to let this man down gently, but let him down I must.

What I do know is that since my experience with Pink in LA – since the sheer beauty of it, I’m now ruined. I will never again accept mediocre sex. And, though I know that level of wonder I felt at being with a man who isn’t Adam will never happen again, still – any further liaison with Giles would be unfair to him and to me.

‘Supper tonight?’ he asks.

‘I can’t, Karen’s coming around.’ She is. It’s not a lie. I wish it was. I wish I could go home to my bed and sleep, but Karen is insistent.

‘Tomorrow then?’

‘Oh Giles, I’m sorry, but I haven’t even properly unpacked yet. Plus Meg’s in hospital tomorrow.’ I have not told him or anyone the full details, just that Meg is having a procedure. No one knows it’s in an attempt to save her brother’s life – the brother she has never known, because her father chose to hide him from us.

Giles looks disappointed, no doubt wondering how my unpacking stops me eating, but he nods and walks away. I’ll have to talk to him, to try and explain, just not today.

Glancing at the electronic diary, I see I have a full day. My first appointment, in ten minutes’ time, is to meet an inventory clerk at Kiera Pugh’s flat. I grab my bag and head off.

I try not to think about her. The woman who slept with my husband all those years ago. The woman who, while I was trying to persuade Adam to seek help about our marriage, was having his baby. But still, as I pass the concierge in Kiera Pugh’s building again, my stomach is turning and twisting with angst and my heart is pumping wildly. At the front door, I knock first, then let myself in with the keys.

‘I delayed the inventory guy.’ Kiera Pugh is standing in the middle of the living room. ‘I asked for you to be here, so we might have the chance to—’

My feet have taken root in the walnut flooring. I stare down and wonder when and where these narrow planks were once a tree. ‘I have nothing to say to you.’

She nods. ‘I’m quite sure there’s lots you want to say to me, but you’re too civilized.’

‘You don’t know me.’

‘No, I don’t. All I want to say to you is thank you. Thank you for letting your daughter do what she’s doing. Noah,’ she coughs, ‘despite how he was conceived, has a family too. We all love him very much and Meg, she’s giving him a real chance.’

I’m being pulled by the floor. I’m frightened that I may never move again, that somehow, the tree’s glue-like sap is alive again. It’s wilfully determined to have me stuck here with this woman forever. ‘Meg is a grown-up. She makes her own decisions.’ I do not want her thinking I influenced Meg in any way.

‘I’m sure she does, but she has made it clear that she doesn’t want any contact with Noah or me or any of his family, so I wanted to be sure the message got to her. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.’

I say nothing.

‘I’ve got to go, Beth. Noah’s been on a course of chemotherapy prior to the donation. It’s pretty toxic and very hard on him. I just left for an hour in the hope that I’d catch you.’

Some splinter in my heart snaps away. However angry I am at Adam, this boy does not deserve this. No child should have to go through it. Kiera Pugh has already walked towards the front door.

‘Kiera, I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive you and Adam, but I wish Noah every good luck. I hope he can get better.’

Her eyes brim with tears. ‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘We need all the luck we can get.’

After she’s gone, I need to wait until the floor relinquishes its hold on me, until the blood from my heart can pump through my body, until my toes can feel its nourishing supply. Minutes later, I’m still there, motionless, when a man lets himself in. He’s waving an inventory, telling me how we’ve upset his day’s appointments having delayed the first one. For a moment, I debate launching myself at him, screaming that he has no idea what being upset means. But I don’t. I smile and tell him to get started. I’ll be right behind him. Soon as I can move …

‘Tell me
everything
and do not lie. I know you were with someone, I knew the moment I saw you! You might as well have “I’ve shagged someone!” tattooed on your forehead.’ Karen sips a cup of tea. I’m having my own version of a Los Angeles G&T. She points to her forehead as if to emphasize where my shameful tattoo should be, but all it does is remind me of tattoos, namely Pink’s. On cue, I blush.

‘So, start with what’s his name?’

‘Pink.’

‘Like your face. What kind of name is that?’

‘Jeff’s his real name,’ I say. ‘But he’s known as “Pink’’. He’s a musician with The Brothers, the drummer, has a huge gay following, hence, you know, “Pink’’.’

‘I know them!’ She surprises me, since her music tastes are stuck in the eighties. I grin. ‘The drummer, eh? Was he good with his hands?’

‘Very.’ My blush deepens.

‘You little minx.’ Karen seems to be studying me in a new light. ‘Was it very different?’

I snort with laughter. ‘To what?’

‘Adam.’

‘Adam is forty-three and saves his exploratory nature, sex-wise, for other women. Pink is a thirty-six-year-old musician and yeah, I know …’ Karen is miming sticking two fingers down her throat. ‘I know it’s a cliché, but the man is both talented and sculpted.’

‘Fuck …’ Karen sighs.

‘Yes, we did. A few times actually.’ Both of us laugh out loud. ‘And yes, it was different, it was special, but it was what it was. Sex. It was only sex.’

‘You didn’t have any feelings for him?’ She feigns horror.

‘None, other than lust. Pure, unadulterated sexual desire.’

‘You’re sounding like Adam now.’

‘Maybe I sort of get where he comes from.’

‘Oh, no. No, no, no …’ Karen shakes her head. ‘You are not going to excuse his behaviour, just because you were randy. There’s a difference. You hadn’t had sex in so long. That makes your needs just that, a primal
need
. Him, on the other hand, he was already having sex with you and he wanted more different sex with someone else. That’s just greedy.’

As usual, she puts perspective on it and reins me back in.

‘Have you seen him?’ I can’t help it. A trace of concern sneaks into my voice. ‘Meg says he’s fine but—’

‘He
is
fine. He has to take it easy for a few weeks, but other than that, he’s good. Some statins for his cholesterol, that’s it.’

She doesn’t ask me why I haven’t gone to see for myself.

‘I’ve had enough of his drama, Karen,’ I offer by way of explanation. ‘It was only when I was away and thought about it. He’s the worst drama queen I know. Affairs, hidden children, and now a heart attack – or a mini-one – just when … Whatever … I’ll go and see him – just not today.’

That’s both Giles and Adam I have managed to put off until another day.

‘Are you and he okay?’ I’m concerned about Adam and Karen, ongoing. The last time they had seen each other at the house had been awful.

‘We’ve moved on. We both have to. Whatever about you and him, or you and me, I’m in love with Ben and Ben’s his brother.’

‘In love, eh?’ I play-punch her elbow.

‘I do love him … He’s the first man I’ve ever imagined being with for the rest of my life. The first man I ever thought I might want children with.’

Oh shit, sticky-wicket stuff. On cue, she comes up with the words I’ve been dreading since they got together.

‘So tell me, why exactly did he and Elise split up?’

Just for a second, I wonder if I’ll get away with, ‘Gosh, is that the time? Must dash’, and beat a hasty retreat, but no, it’ll never work.

‘Haven’t you asked
him
?’

‘I have. He’s vague. My sense is that it’s something to do with children, but I’m not sure what. I’m right, aren’t I?’

‘Have I told you about Pink’s tattoos?’

‘I knew it.’ She sips her drink, pensive.

‘He has one on his thigh. It’s Chinese symbols, and when I asked him what they meant, he told me it said
Beth
.’ I wait for a response. ‘I thought it was funny. I mean, he obviously just swaps the name for whoever he’s with, right?’

‘Right. They did try, didn’t they, to have kids, I mean?’

Oh yes, they tried. Yes, they tried. I don’t want to talk about this. I think it was five or six IVF attempts. Elise is a backing singer for a lot of celebrity acts, and every penny she earned during their years together went towards yet another unsuccessful effort to be a mother. It was hard on them both. Her, because the fault lay with her damaged tubes, and him, because he knew he could father a child, just not with her …

‘You need to ask Ben about this,’ I tell her.

‘I’m asking you.’

I give in. ‘They tried for years to have a child. When they couldn’t, Ben was willing to adopt but Elise wouldn’t. It broke them in the end.’ I keep the facts deliberately minimal. ‘Anything else you’ll have to ask him.’

She is nodding, but I can tell the exchange has upset her.

‘Listen.’ I put my arm around her. ‘You should go home and talk to Ben. I’m still jet-lagged and need an early night. Tomorrow, Meg’s at the hospital.’

‘Shit.’ She makes a face and glances at her wrist. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll get off now. How is Meg?’ she asks as she gathers her things.

I fill her in on how Meg is. Healthy, happy, in love, unforgiving as far as her father is concerned, but willing to donate some of her essence to a sibling she has never known.

‘You should be proud of her.’ Karen hugs me. ‘She’s a special girl.’

‘I am and she is.’

‘You’ll have to add “Pink” to your artwork.’ Her head angles to the hallway wall. ‘You know, to your list of likes. Just add “rolling orgasms in LA”. You won’t even have to name him.’

I laugh out loud. It’s not a bad idea.

‘It’s one of the advantages of working for myself.’ Ben is explaining his ability to control his working hours to me like I’m a two-year-old.

‘They just tweaked my heart with a few meds, Ben. They didn’t give me a frontal lobotomy.’

He looks confused, turns his head to glance at me from behind the steering wheel. He’s insisted on coming to the flat and driving me to Great Ormond Street in my car, telling me that I shouldn’t be in charge of one yet, and explaining to me that none of it is any bother – he can catch up on his work the next day. I know I should be grateful, but I wish I hadn’t told him I was going. I wish I hadn’t said a word and just got a taxi because now two of us will arrive in an already crowded situation.

I press the CD player into action and am both surprised and suddenly tense when I hear Elise’s voice singing back to me.

‘Is that …?’ Ben looks at the dashboard as if it has just spontaneously combusted.

‘I’ll turn it off.’

‘No, leave it. I always love listening to her sing. I’ve not heard her voice in ages. Is this one of Beth’s?’

‘It must be.’ I have no idea how it’s in the car and it shows just how long it is since I’ve played a CD.

We listen to the song, both immersed in the story of a woman who misses her lover, despite being involved with someone else.

Echoes of your heartbeat,

Echoes of your sounds,

Day and night shades of you follow me around.

An imitation lover is lying here with me;

He’s a real beauty, so why can I not feel?

‘Do you think Elise ever misses you?’ I ask him, grateful to be potentially discussing him rather than me.

‘Who knows?’ he says. ‘It’s been over a long time and we haven’t kept in touch.’

‘Seems a shame. You were together for so long.’

‘It was just too raw,’ he replies, as Elise builds to Beth’s chorus.

He looks like you, he talks like you,

Knows just what to do.

But he ain’t you,

He ain’t you, babe, he ain’t you …

I make the decision and reach forward to switch it off. The conversation, it seems, is doomed to be about me. ‘So, my second hospital in less than a week …’

‘No more heart scares, please.’

‘No. I just want to see Meg, visit Noah quickly, and then we’ll head straight back.’

‘I still think you should have told Meg you’re coming.’

‘She’d tell me not to.’

‘And you’re okay seeing Beth?’

Am I okay seeing Beth? It’s a tough one. I’m hurt beyond hurt that she hasn’t called me since her return. Although I’ve been telling everyone how uncomplicated and normal my heart complaint is, Beth is the only one I want to ham it up to. All I’ve had is that initial call from LA – one where she definitely wasn’t even listening to me by the end of it.

I guess I know why. But, despite everything, Beth is still the kindest person I know living. Even after everything I’ve done to her, she would call. She’d call just to check I’m all right, hear my voice. And she hasn’t.

‘Adam?’

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I’m fine seeing Beth.’

Beth asks me to leave as soon as she lays eyes on me. I’m not ready for this.

She nods at Ben before she repeats her request.

‘Adam, Meg told me she doesn’t want you here. And what she wants is what she gets. Now please, have some respect and go.’

‘This is the second time you’ve asked me to leave your company lately.’ I’m trying not to lose my temper.

‘Yes. Last time you manhandled Karen, and this time you’re ignoring our daughter’s wishes.’

Ben turns to me. ‘You manhandled Karen?’

‘An exaggeration,’ I tell him, before facing Beth again. ‘In between I’ve had a heart attack and I’ve come to see Meg.’ It’s a cheap sympathy attempt, I know.

‘It was more a shot across the bows,’ Ben tells her, his head shaking in a way that says he can’t believe what I just said. ‘Just a warning.’

‘I know that. I spoke to both Adam and his doctors when I was in LA.’

I sigh, lean my back against the nearest wall and decide that pleading is my only option. ‘Please. Please don’t make a scene. I want to see Meg when she comes out. At least, when she does, let her know I’m here and give her the choice?’

Beth relaxes, seems to consider this and then sits. ‘Fine. Just promise me that you’ll leave if she doesn’t want to see you.’

I nod, take a plastic seat next to hers as Ben mouths the words ‘Coffee’ to us both. I turn the offer down. Coffee is a ‘no-no’ on my diet sheet, but Beth asks for a latte. We both watch his back walk away.

‘How was LA really? Tell me all,’ I say.

She blushes, an immediate scarlet flush from her neck to her hairline.

‘Great, it was great,’ she says. Both her hands are resting on her thighs; suddenly they start to move up and down, as though she’s ironing out creases. ‘It was great,’ she repeats.

‘They took the song?’

‘Yes, but that was all confirmed before I went, really. They wanted to meet me and also discuss another song for a different project.’

She falls quiet, twitches in her seat, her eyes darting around the corridor as she avoids mine.

The behaviour is familiar, though not coming from Beth. To my knowledge, she has never been dishonest with me, but I certainly know how I behave around her when I’m hiding something.

‘Did you meet someone?’ The words are no more than a whisper.

Rather than look away, she angles her face towards mine.

‘I didn’t
meet
someone so much as have sex with someone.’

‘Right …’

Her green eyes remain on mine as her eyebrows arch. It’s as if she can’t believe that’s all I have to say. Nor can I, but my mind is trying hard to process what she’s just said.

The idea of Beth with another man is one that I’ve always been afraid to think about. I never want to see the image. Now it’s like a film moving slowly, unfurling in my brain, frame by frame.

‘I don’t know what to say.’ I shrug. ‘You’re free to do whatever you please …’

‘That’s right.’ Her eyes fire up. ‘It was sex. Fantastic sex, but only sex.’

I feel a strange, cramp-like pain in my chest, one that almost renders me speechless. ‘The idea still hurts,’ is what comes out of my mouth when I do speak.

‘Welcome to my world,’ she says, and stands to meet Ben, who’s heading in our direction, cups in hand.

‘How much longer do you think she’ll be?’

Beth turns around, blows the steam off her latte. ‘Not long. What’s the hurry? You have somewhere else to go?’

I do actually, but sneaking off to see Noah right now is probably not the best idea. But then again, she’s just had sex with another man. Fantastic sex with another man.

‘I wanted to pop in and see how Noah’s doing.’ Brave, Adam. Very brave.

Beth touches her hair with her hands, then tilts her head left and right, as though she’s stretching out her neck muscles. ‘I thought that you’d never had any contact with him. I mean, that’s what you told me.’

I sigh. ‘I never have – at least, not until a couple of weeks ago, when yes, I asked Kiera if I could meet him. He doesn’t know who I am.’ I’m not sure why I feel the need to reiterate this, but I do.

‘He doesn’t know who you are?’ Beth turns towards Ben, rolls her eyes. ‘Who are you, Adam? What does that remark mean? Do you mean he doesn’t know you’re his father? Well, you’re not, are you? You were a sperm donor, that’s all. It takes a lot more to be a father. But then, being a father also means not letting down the child you
have
raised, and you have a big fat fail there too.’ She stops to draw breath.

‘I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.’ I can’t stand it any more. Nothing I do or say is ever going to be good enough. Fuck her and her fantastic sex. I leave her and Ben to have the default conversation about what a bastard I am and walk the two flights up to Noah’s room.

Kiera and Gordon are both standing outside. He has his back to me but I can tell he’s staring through the window in the door.

‘Adam.’ Kiera comes forward and hugs me. Gordon nods, the briefest movement of his head, but it’s a nod all the same. ‘If you want to see him, please be quick. He’s asleep now, but the chemo is really taking it out of him.’

‘Maybe just a minute?’ My eyes address Gordon, who nods again.

I enter the room and cross to the bed. Noah looks a ghostly shade of white, with huge black shadows under both his eyes. He seems to have shrunk since I saw him last, and I’m not ready for the lump that this scene is leaving in my throat. ‘Hello, mate,’ I whisper. ‘Looks like you’ve been through the wringer, eh?’

His eyes flutter, then open.

Shit, I didn’t mean to wake him. Quickly, I move in front of him, so that his parents can’t see him through the window.

‘Adam,’ he says, ‘you came back.’ His voice is croaky. ‘Not up for chess today.’

‘No problem. You just get well. I’ve been told not to stay long.’

I see his hand move as if to stop me going, but he doesn’t have the strength. He tries to catch my eye instead.

‘Are you my father?’ he asks. Blatant, simple, just like that.

Beth’s earlier comments echo in my head and I look away. ‘Of course not,’ I tell him. ‘Your father’s just outside the door here with your mum, willing you to get better.’

‘Yes, yes he is,’ my little boy replies.

‘You get well, Noah.’ I touch his nearest hand briefly and turn to leave.

‘Adam?’

I look back.

‘You’re a nice man,’ he whispers.

‘Thank you,’ is all I can muster. I leave without saying goodbye to Gordon and Kiera. My pulse is clunking in both ears.

‘
You’re a nice man. You’re a nice man. You’re a nice man.
’ The words echo in my head over and over again.

My dying son is the only person in the world who thinks I’m a nice man.

‘You knew when we were going that Meg didn’t want to see you.’

Ben is so matter-of-fact that I want to thump him. His daughter did not just refuse to see him. This is the same daughter who I was the first to hold when she was born. The same girl who squealed to be fed and squealed when she’d been fed. The same girl who cried, red-faced and tight-fisted, when she was tired, and did the same when she woke up. The child who loved to take comfort from her daddy holding her. The little girl who seemed to recognize a father’s calming embrace. I can’t believe she can’t remember that …

‘Women are funny,’ Ben continues. ‘Maybe it was just that she wanted her mother there. You know – when kids aren’t feeling their best.’

He’s trying, but I do wish he’d shut up and just drive.

‘How was Noah?’

‘Not good. He looks grey, dreadful.’ I keep our exchange to myself. Nobody else needs to know that, despite him being only ten, he’s clever enough to have worked things out.

‘When are you going back to work?’ Ben asks.

‘Tomorrow.’

‘Is that wise?’

I give a small snort-like sound. ‘Probably not. But then again, I’m not known for my wisdom … I’ll cab it in and home every day. I’ll do shorter days this week. You have to understand, Ben. I’ll go crazy if I’m not busy.’

He doesn’t reply. I wonder – if I could look inside his head – whether he’s thinking I’m crazy anyway. Probably …

‘I wish you’d come and stay with Karen and me, just for this week. I hate the thought of you being alone at the moment.’

I tap his left arm. ‘Thank you, but I’m fine. I have to get used to being alone and, let’s face it, I’ve got no one to blame for that but myself.’

He flinches, moves his arm. ‘Sometimes, Adam … sometimes you should focus on the good things, rather than feeling sorry for yourself.’

‘I’m not feeling sorry for myself.’

‘Yes, you are. You have a beautiful family. You have a beautiful wife, a fabulous daughter and now a little boy too. I’m not even going to go there about why you never told me about him, promised myself I wouldn’t do it, you’ve not been well.’

I rub both of my eyes, wish I could stop him talking. ‘I’m sorry. I should have told you.’

‘Yes.’ He’s nodding slowly. ‘Yes, you should. You have two children. I haven’t managed to father one yet, Adam.’

I stare at the road ahead, bite my tongue, but I can’t help myself. ‘Ever wonder if that’s why I
didn’t
tell you?’

He makes a face and we sit in silence for a few minutes.

‘I don’t want to fall out,’ he says, eventually. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything. Not now, not with what you’re going through.’

‘We’re not going to fall out, mate. I love you and I’m sorry.’ I can see his head debate a reply but he says nothing. I’m aware it’s the first time I’ve told Ben out loud that I love him. He reaches his hand across, places it on mine and squeezes. His way of saying ‘Me too’, I guess.

The rest of the journey is quiet. Just before I get out of the car, he turns to me.

‘Look …’ He hesitates. ‘There’s no easy way to say this, but I think you should consider seeing someone.’ He keeps his eyes on mine as he delivers this line.

‘See someone? What? Like someone professional?’

‘Yes. Nearly everyone talks to a shrink sometime in their lives nowadays. Your marriage has broken down, your relationship with your daughter is fractured, and your son, someone you’ve never known, is dying before you get a chance to know him. Not to mention Mum and Dad?’

Put like that, show me the number, I’ll dial it right now. I feel a powerful shaking threaten but, before it takes me, I bite down hard, my bottom teeth almost grinding my top.

‘It’s okay, Adam.’ Ben squeezes my hand again. ‘I’m sorry if I was hard earlier. You’ll get through this. You will.’

I can’t help feeling that I’m still the big brother who’s expected to cope and that his words are more an order than a statement …