You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (23 page)

Notes: Act I

Mental Gymnastics:
Do you remember the discussion about dividing attention and shifting gears? They are a kind of mental athletics. Successful group interfacing depends on an ability to shift
gears rapidly. The exchange of conversation is a challenging task for an ADDer who can’t make quick mental adjustments. He has to follow the flow of talk as it bounces from person to person. He has to concentrate enough to understand what the speaker is saying. He also has to be sure he doesn’t get locked in. Otherwise, he comes to a grinding halt while the general conversation goes on without him.

Some of us take mental time-outs to process the conversation. Remember our slow reaction time? A break can give us time to deal with our less than trustworthy memories. We may be so intent on frantically rehearsing and remembering what we’re going to say that we block out everything else. We do mental handsprings as fast as we can. Unfortunately, we often end up interjecting seemingly irrelevant
comments. We’re talking about spring soccer when the conversation moved on five minutes earlier to the winter Olympics.

Creative thinking also plays into the mental athletics. Rather than getting locked in and taking a time-out, an ADDer’s mind may move at breakneck speed, taking a detour at the end of the track! A comment during the conversation stimulates an idea that sends him on a wild, imaginative
journey. Several laps later he ends his little detour and shares some tidbit. His comment is greeted with either raised eyebrows or replies of “What the hell are you talking about?”

The comment that makes perfect sense to him is incomprehensible to the rest of the group. They didn’t go on the mental journey with the ADDer and don’t know where he’s been. If he’s among friends, they’ll probably
just shrug it off. If he’s with strangers, they might wonder what planet he comes from!

Running Out of Gas:
There are other reasons for an ADDer’s difficulties with group interactions. The atmosphere of a group can be intensely stimulating. Impaired attention and a defective sensory filter can be pushed beyond their capabilities. Attention can jump from a companion’s perfume to the crackling
fire across the room. Where should he focus—on the speaker’s words or on the body language of the person standing next to him? Bombarded with sights and sounds from many different directions, his senses rapidly reach an uncomfortable level of overload. Similar to a car climbing a long mountain road, he quickly uses up his reserves of fuel. He may run out of mental gas.

Have you ever been in a stimulating group situation feeling as if you’ve just taken a sleeping pill or gone into a coma? We have. It’s as if the body stays in the same spot while the brain goes off to a quiet corner somewhere to rest and regroup. That’s just great for your brain, but what about you? You end up standing there with a blank look and a yawn. You may not exactly endear yourself to
the speaker who is sharing fascinating information.

It’s not that the conversation is boring, although it might be! It’s that the overstimulation of a group situation causes mental fatigue. Simply put, an ADDer might either tune out or fall asleep. That’s precisely what happened to Elizabeth, who attributes her poor social skills to a lack of sleep.

Cruise Controls Set on Mega-Speed:
Conversely,
the mental cruise control may be flipped on and set way above the speed limit. The Porsche is revved and ready to go! Foot-in-mouth disease escalates out of control as the ADDer barrels around the track, heedless of anyone who might be in his way. With a poor sense of boundaries, he may careen, literally and figuratively, into other people. He fidgets too much, talks too fast and drives everyone
crazy with his intensity. The people around him alternately view his behavior as amusing or annoying.

Impulsivity and disinhibition are sometimes attempts to fend off mental fatigue and maintain alertness. Of course, no one else knows that! Many of us often talk and act first and think later. As Amanda does, we may fill up physical and emotional space with our presence and chatter. Inappropriate,
rude or silly remarks are out of our mouths before we know it! How many times have you said to yourself, “I can’t believe I just said that.”

Synopsis: Act I

It might seem that you process information too slowly when you’re in a group conversation. Is it possible, however, that you process the information
in greater depth
than others do? Do you make connections that elude everyone else and have
real value? It might seem that your mental detours are inappropriate, but that doesn’t mean they’re worthless. Perhaps your tangents and wild leaps of imagination can lead the group to creative problem solving.

And here’s something interesting to think about. Are your problems in groups caused by your deficits or by
the rules for interaction that are ill suited to your style of thinking?

KK:
“With professional experience as a group leader, I mentally geared up for a difficult challenge when I agreed to start an ADD adult support group. I pictured a group of people talking nonstop, interrupting each other and jumping from topic to topic. I figured my main function as the facilitator would be to referee.

“What happened is vastly different from what I imagined. The flow of ideas does
jump around a lot, but this doesn’t seem to be an obstacle to the group process. Generally, the group as a whole is able to follow the logic of the conversation and sometimes moves it off into wonderful, productive tangents. The tempo is much faster than I have encountered in other groups. But group members, often left behind in ‘normal’ groups, are able to keep up with the speedy conversation.”

The logic of an ADD thinker is a different brand from that of linear folks. His logic, formulated by the generalizations and connections of his distractions, may in some ways be superior to the logic taught in school. It makes sense that if he could play by his own set of logical rules, his communication would flow more freely.

The dance of conversation in an ADD group seems to move to music
entirely different from that of other groups. It seems to have its own unique rhythm, tempo and patterns. Perhaps we ADDers don’t need dancing lessons after all. We may just need to dance to our own ADD beat!

If you have an ADD friend, get together and enjoy the dance you share. Of course, you can’t always dance to your own beat, just as you can’t always do what your impulses drive you to do.
Since you can’t avoid being in groups of non-ADDers, you’ll have to learn some of the conventional steps. Here are some survival tips that might help you on the dance floor.

Survival Tips: Act I

Be Prepared:
Before you arrive at the social gathering, make sure you’re prepared. Start taking notes as a newspaper reporter would. Find out who will be there and write down their names, occupations,
interests, etcetera. If you’re lucky, somebody else who loves radio-controlled race cars as much as you do will be in attendance. Ask about the dress “code” so you won’t arrive in jeans while everyone else is wearing suits and ties. Make sure
you write down the date and time of the gathering! Arriving for a dinner party an hour late will definitely not win rave reviews from your host.

Do Your Homework:
If your mind and mouth inexplicably shut down in group settings, rehearse ahead of time. Part of this rehearsal can be keeping up, at least superficially, with current events. This doesn’t mean you have to sit down on a daily basis with the lengthy
New York Times
. It does mean that you might want to know that “the changing nuclear family” isn’t a topic about folks glowing in the dark
with radiation poisoning!

The value in having an awareness, however vague, of names, places and events in the news is that it provides a file of information on which you can draw. If the subject turns to the primaries, you won’t interject a comment about your son’s experiences in the primary grades of your local school. Instead you might offer, “Campaign activity is really heating up, isn’t it?
I haven’t seen the paper the past few days. Is there anything new going on?”

Practice:
Rehearsing means just that. Write a script. Rehearse. Practice. When you arrive, what will you say to the host? How will you join a conversation? What words will you use? How will you introduce yourself? How will you respond to the inquiry “What do you do for a living, Don?” Develop a standard script for these
questions that come up in groups. Then practice it with a spouse or friend or in front of a mirror.

When you work on your script, consider ways you can respond to information shared by others. After you’ve answered the inquiry about what you do for a living, how do you respond when somebody tells you about his job?

Someone asks: “What do you do for a living, Don?”
You start your script: “I restore antique furniture. What’s your
job, Fred?”
Fred replies: “I’m a media center specialist.”
You comment: “Oh, really …”

The conversation stops dead in its tracks. What happens now? Rather than feeling uncomfortable and trying to fill the dead space with rambling, you can refer to your memorized script of canned responses. Questions are excellent because they keep the conversation going and draw
attention away from you. Generic comments can bail you out if you have no idea what a media center specialist is. A rehearsed list of questions and comments can also help with any problems you have with monopolizing conversations. Try some of these scripts and add some of your own:

“How did you get interested in that area?”

“I don’t know very much about that field. What exactly does
your work entail?”

“Have you always done this work or did you start off in a
different field?”

“That sounds like an interesting job. Can you tell me more
about it?”

The focus of the conversation will probably come back to you after this question-and-answer period. By then you should have found some familiar territory and will be able to talk comfortably about a subject you know. You may get in a bind
and exhaust the items in your script. If this happens, you can excuse yourself to make a phone call or to ask the host something. Include these
emergency exit
techniques during your rehearsal. Also include your spouse or friend in your practice sessions so you’ll have someone to bail you out when you need help.

If you’re a member of a support group, you can learn about your behavior by watching
yourself. Arrange for a video or audio recording of your group’s interactions. Although the camera might be somewhat distracting, you can learn a lot when you review the tape.

This is a valuable process for reviewing what you did well, not just the areas marked “needs improvement.” If you’re a member of an ongoing support group, you might be able to tape a series of sessions. You can use the
tapes to monitor your progress as
you practice new ways of behaving. Of course, this idea presupposes that you feel comfortable in the group and that none of the members objects to being taped.

Watch and Listen:
When you’re with an unfamiliar group of people, initially keep a low profile. Look and listen a lot and talk very little. Watch the others to see how they behave. Find out how much personal
information people share with each other and try to figure out any unspoken rules. Most groups have informal codes of conduct that govern the behavior of members. The hidden code may tell you which subjects are taboo, where to sit or even how to dress.

We don’t advocate blind conformity to rules or buying into the idea that you must fit in. It will be up to you to decide whether to continue your
association with a particular group. You can, however, make a reasonable attempt to be cordial and respectful of the group’s rules at least for one evening. If nothing else, use the evening to practice your conversational skills.

Watch Your Watch:
Focus on the speaker. Force yourself to make eye contact. Pay close attention to the dance of conversation and don’t give a solo performance. Before
you start talking, make sure you aren’t interrupting. Make it a practice to ask the speaker if he has finished before you jump in and cut off his next thought.

Wear a watch with a second hand and unobtrusively note how long each person speaks. When it’s your turn, time yourself. Set a mental alarm clock to
turn yourself off
if you exceed your allotted time. Watching your watch can also help you
maintain focus as it gives you something to do. In case somebody notices you watching your watch, you can always claim that the battery seems to be wearing out. It’s better to wear out your battery than your audience!

Watch Your Wandering:
Pay close attention to the number of tangential journeys you take so you won’t start jumping all
over, monopolizing the conversation. In a safe group of friends,
ask someone to signal you when you’re getting off track. If all else fails and you’re off and running before you know it, acknowledge your rambling. Say something like, “Boy, my mind is really on a mental marathon, isn’t it? Sorry about that …”