You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (55 page)

The reality is that people without disabilities are having a tough time staying afloat. As ADDers, we are more vulnerable to the
stress of overload than others. We are saying this not to scare you but to acknowledge the reality of the environment we live in. In short, at this point in time, there are aspects of our culture that are totally insane.

Think about it. What is gained by pushing people to the breaking point? Stress-related illnesses are on the rise, as are repetitive stress injuries. Of course, we know that cognitive
performance also suffers. The question of why there seems to be so much ADD around these days may be partially answered by looking at the stresses and strains people are subjected to in our postmillennium world. We submit that anyone can show symptoms of ADD if they are pushed hard enough.

So, the culture holds up the gold standard of productivity and more productivity … productivity at all costs.
The short-term results are similar to what we get as ADDers when we habitually use adrenaline to kick ourselves into high performance mode (you can revisit the end of the chapter on meditation for more on the downside of that). We get a period of higher functioning followed by a longer recovery time. In an environment that values productivity over human needs, the workers initially strive to
produce harder and faster, generally coming from fear that they will lose their jobs. After a while, the strain begins to erode performance—the pace slows down and/or more mistakes are made. Eventually the situation deteriorates as employee turnover skyrockets and people go out on disability. Lack of concern over this kind of scenario comes from the notion that workers are replaceable. This notion
is downright silly, even if you are considering only the bottom line. High turnover is costly.

The insane working conditions in our culture today are the result of placing a value on productivity that is way out of balance. In this distorted view, people are just cogs in a machine that is geared up to produce at all cost.

When we have talked to our clients about the craziness of our cultural
values around work, they frequently respond with, “Yes, but … I am not going to be able to change things single-handedly. If the workplace does change so that it is fit for human beings, it certainly won’t happen overnight. This is the reality I have to deal with.”

And they are correct. We have to deal with “what is,” even as we work and dream to create a better future. The better future might
be starting your own business or becoming a freelancer, but it takes time to make that transition. In the meantime, you need to deal with what is in front of you. And what is in front of you may be a ridiculous “to do” list.

The most important focus in this situation is to refuse to own the value that says you are only as good as what you produce. In an environment of more-better-faster it is
a game you can’t win. As soon as you have completed one task, there are a thousand right behind it on that endless “to do” list. Chances are nobody is patting you on the back for the job that was well done. You need to do it for yourself. Or, better still, add the voice of a supportive coach to the mix.

Good mental hygiene in this case involves refusing to take on “their” values. You may not
be living up to “their” standards—that’s “what is.” But you don’t have to make yourself wrong for it. In our experience, the tasks are not as big a problem as the self-talk about how bad we are for not doing them sooner, faster or better.

Toxic Mental Debris: The Vicious Cycle of Shame, Perfectionism and Procrastination

Shame is the granddaddy of all toxic mental filth. In contrast to guilt,
which is a painful response to one’s less than optimal actions, shame is the emotion we feel when we think that we are just not good enough. We are compelled to hide our faces in shame when in the grip of that powerful feeling, because we
think that no one would want to gaze upon the ugly, flawed creatures we believe we are.

Two of the biggest ADD bugaboos, perfectionism and procrastination,
interact in a circular fashion to produce and reinforce a state of stuckness.

First, you have a sense that who you are (with all your ADD quirks) is not good enough. Next, you begin to set overly high standards for yourself to “make up” for the “fact” that your very being is deficient. Perfectionism then begins to rear its head, because no amount of “doing” will make up for your fatal flaws,
or so you believe. You try harder and harder and get nowhere. In the state of procrastination, the following things may be going on: (1) You are fiddling around a task, trying to figure out how to make the results brilliant enough to compensate for the fatal flaw (and everything you have left undone or done poorly in the past), and (2) You are avoiding the task, because the process is miserable and
doomed to failure the way you have it set up.

The deadline is missed or the completed job is not what it could be … and, once again, you feel that you have failed. You then dump another generous helping of toxic shame onto your beleaguered brain, and the cycle continues. With enough repetitions of this cycle, all forward motion stops.

In the next chapter, we will introduce more tools to use when you find yourself going in circles.

Chapter 16
Moving Forward

“
Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.” “I don’t much care where as long as I get somewhere.” “Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”

—Alice and the Cheshire Cat from
Alice in Wonderland

T
his final chapter is about moving forward. The “where to” is entirely up to you. That said, we think
we have a general idea of the goals you are shooting for. You want peace in your life, and a sense of purpose. You want to feel that you are in the driver’s seat, rather than having your frazzled brain driving you. You want to be master of those paper piles, rather than their slave. You want to stop going in circles and feel that you are actually getting somewhere.

It is possible to reach all
these goals. We have walked the road of ADD recovery for a long time, and can see the positive results from all the little and big steps we have taken on the way. We are privileged to witness the transformation in our coaching clients, as they learn to take charge of their lives.

The process, of course, consists of making many small and larger changes over a period of time. Getting those dreams
out of your head and translating them into manageable action steps. Working with an ADD coach is the best thing you can do for yourself if you want to lay the groundwork and then begin designing and implementing a life that is user-friendly for
you
.
There is not enough space in a single chapter to fully walk you through the coaching process (and your interaction with your coach is a critical part
of the process; it’s all customized specifically for you). The focus here is on how to keep moving forward when the inevitable obstacles present themselves.

In the previous chapter, we included a section called “In Times of Crisis … All Bets Are Off,” which is about what you need to do when you are in crisis—when you have been hit with so many things you can’t even put one foot in front of the
other. Divorce, a string of DUIs, getting fired … when you are in crisis, you need someone who can tell you how to put one foot in front of the other until you have recovered the ability to do that for yourself. On your own, you can’t even decide which foot to move first.

In our daily ADDult lives, however, we often find ourselves in a minicrisis mode several times a day. We are not even sure
how we got there. We just know that we are overwhelmed and there is not much to be had in the way of problem solving at that moment. You can call it overwhelm, boggle, stuckness or shutdown—the problem is that all the circuits are jammed.

Later, we will talk about the kinds of things that get us boggled in the first place. But for now, it is enough to say that we are overwhelmed. We can’t see
what the real problem is, we can’t decide between competing choices and we can’t focus on anything long enough to do something about it. Help!

Your Basic First-Aid Plan for Overwhelm

Let’s start with the most basic guide for moving through overwhelm and into action. The next time you find yourself spinning your wheels, try these steps:

1. Don’t push through it. Take a step “backward” and institute self-care measures. (This could be a breathing break, a mini exercise break or moving to a calmer location where it’s quieter and less hectic.)
   
2. Check in with yourself. Can you think clearly yet? If not, go back to #1.
   
3. If you are less frazzled but still not in clear-thinking mode, try doing some very routine, repetitive task that doesn’t stress your brain but helps you to feel some forward motion.
   
4. Check in with yourself. Are you ready to do what you set out to do when you became overwhelmed? If not, go back to #3.
   

You may find that this first-aid process will be all you need to break through that aggravating place of being stuck, immobile and unable to get started. Let’s look at these steps in more detail:

1. Don’t Push Through It

The caption “The harder you try, the dumber you look”
in the Despair.com poster “Humiliation,” accompanies a picture of some would-be hot-dog skier who is taking a ridiculous and spectacular fall out of his aborted flashy maneuver. We can envision a slightly different poster, aimed at the ADDer, that says “
The harder you try, the dumber you get
.” This may sound a bit harsh, but it is true. Persistence is not the same as attempting to squeeze the
last drop of juice from your beleaguered brain.

In the chapter on differences, we talked about what the brain does when it is on overload—it shuts down. Pushing yourself too hard is a guaranteed way of tilting your brain in that direction. Of course, if you want a little mental health holiday, by all means keep up the pressure. Our experiences with the results of that sort of maneuver, however,
left a lot to be desired. Rather than trying with a capital “T,” finesse your way to success.

You are sitting at your computer attempting to work on a project that requires concentration. Instead of whipping out the usual flogger and going to town on your poor self, try a few different strategies. Mix and match them for best results.

• Take a mini meditation or prayer break.
  
• Get up and move around—if you are really sluggish, make it aerobic.
  
• Take a brief trip to your favorite humor Web site—don’t call it slacking or avoidant behavior. You need a few laughs to wake yourself up.
  
• Use one of those fidget activities we talked about in the medication chapter.
  
• Stand on your head … maybe the extra blood going to your brain will help.
  
• Try some emotional-release maneuvers—go break some thrift-store dishes or throw ice cubes in the bathtub. Create a little harmless excitement for yourself.
  
• Take those breaks, relax, have some fun and keep going back to the task. You will get it completed if you persist.
  

2. Check In with Yourself

Take Your Cognitive Temperature. Don’t go running off to the drugstore in search of a specialized thermometer you can insert in your brain … we made this one up.
Rather, we are suggesting that you devise your own “temperature” scale for your mental functioning. Is your brain “white hot”—ready to rock and roll with the most challenging of creative work? How about “stone cold dead”?—you can barely put one foot in front of the other on your way to bed. “Lukewarm” could mean it’s time for routine tasks you have already mastered. Get the picture?

If you have
any flexibility in your day or workplace, we suggest that you assess your brain’s capacity on an hourly basis and fit your chosen task to your brain’s actual functional level. You may need to use an alarm watch or cell phone to remember to do this. If you have little choice about what to do when, at least
you may avoid beating yourself up when the work is more of a struggle than you would like.
It is not your lack of trying that is the problem, but an ornery brain.

Are You Less Frazzled Yet? If not, go back to #1. You might now be saying, “Why? I already tried that and it didn’t seem to work!” Let’s return briefly to some of the imagery in the mental hygiene chapter for an example. There may be a lot of stuff to be cleared out, so it may take more than once for a technique to work all
the way to completely clear it. Or you may think of a time when you needed to flush a toilet more than once to get to the desired result. Sometimes we just need to repeat an action to get the job done.

3. Try Doing Some Very Routine, Repetitive Task

The simpler the task, the better. If you can get some momentum going on the really easy things, you may be able to shift to something a bit more
challenging once you have made some progress. And it sure helps to get the volume down on The Judge’s criticisms when you can point to some success in moving forward on the “to do” list.