You Will Die: The Burden of Modern Taboos (2 page)

          
C.
   
John Calvin: Sourpuss

   
X. P
URITAN
A
MERICA
: G
OD
H
ATES
Y
OU
. D
ON
’
T
H
AVE
S
EX
.

C
HAPTER
7

S
EX
IV: I
TS
O
RIGIN
: D
ISTORTING
S
CIENCE

   
I. H
UMANISM
: H
APPINESS
(S
EX
)
ON
E
ARTH

          
A.
   
The Philosophy: Mind Your Business

          
B.
   
Science: How Come This Wasn’t in the Bible
?

   
II. V
ICTORIANISM
: S
EX
I
S
L
OW
-C
LASS

          
A.
   
The New Middle Class: Rich and Lame

          
B.
   
Women as Asexual Victims: Dumb but Not Slutty

          
C.
   
Children as Asexual Victims: Little Johnny Would Never Want Vagina

   
III. T
HE
M
ORAL
C
RUSADERS
: T
HE
S
KY
I
S
F
ALLING
! L
OCK
U
P THE
S
INNERS
!

          
A.
   
What It Is: A Freak-Out
!

          
B.
   
Victorian Prostitution: My Wife Doesn’t Suck

          
C.
   
White Slavery: It’s 1910. Do You Know Where Your Daughter Is
?

          
D.
   
The Birth of the FBI: Fighting Interstate Adultery

          
E.
   
The Saved Victims: Leave Us the Hell Alone

C
HAPTER
8

S
EX
V: I
TS
E
ND
?: T
HE
R
EVOLUTIONS

   
I. T
HE
1920
S
S
EXUAL
R
EVOLUTION
: W
OMEN
G
ET
T
HEIR
S
EXY
B
ACK

   
II. 1930
S
-1950
S
: T
OOTHBRUSHES AND
C
OMMIES

   
III. T
HE
1960
S
S
EXUAL
R
EVOLUTION
: S
EXUAL
H
EALING

          
A.
   
The Courts: Oh Yeah, That Constitution

          
B.
   
Beats and Hippies: Getting a Peace

          
C.
   
Helen Gurley Brown: Look Ma, I Had Sex and Didn’t Die

          
D.
   
Masturbation: Manual Transmission

                   
1.
   
Philip Roth: The Firing Wad

                   
2.
   
Betty Dodson: All Hell Broke Loose in Her Pants

          
E.
   
The Media: Spreading the Word for Gay Titty Bars

          
F.
   
Openness: One Shining Moment

   
IV. T
HE
B
ACKLASH
: AIDS H
YSTERIA
I
S A
G
REAT
R
ALLYING
C
RY

          
A.
   
The Empire Tries to Strike Back Against Facts

          
B.
   
The Collapse of the Left: Killer Hippies

          
C.
   
Skewed Stats: When I Was a Boy All We Did Was Chew Gum. Stop Lying
.

          
D.
   
AIDS: I Don’t Have It. Do You? [Laughter]

          
E.
   
God Tells Bush to Stop Fishing and Run for President

C
HAPTER
9

S
EX
VI: R
EPERCUSSIONS
: T
HE
G
OVERNMENT
W
ANTS
Y
OUR
S
EX

   
I. G
OVERNMENT
: P
RUDES
G
ONE
W
ILD

          
A.
   
Hypocrisy: I Can Have Sexual Fun, But You Can’t So I Can Get Your Grandma’s Vote

          
B.
   
Lies: Breaking a Commandment for Something Jesus Didn’t Care About

          
C.
   
Distraction: Stopping Perverts Is the Most Important Issue in the Universe

          
D.
   
Kill All Child Molesters: Why Civil Liberties Are Important

          
E.
   
Monetary Cost: Jail ’Em All: Why Are My Taxes So High
?

   
II. I
GNORANCE
: I
S
D
UMB

          
A.
   
Distortion of Sex Ed: No Birds and the Bees, More Abortions and STDs

          
B.
   
Distortion of Scholarship: Men Really Are Assholes

          
C.
   
Distortion of Art: Jesus’ Penis

          
D.
   
Distortion of Teaching: G-Rated Learning Is Boring

          
E.
   
Distortion of Reality: Maybe Our Culture Is the One That Sucks

   
III. U
NHEALTHY
S
EXUAL
A
TTITUDES
(USA)

          
A.
   
Shame: My Tinky Is Dinky

          
B.
   
Overemphasis: Relax, It’s Just Sex

   
IV. S
EXUAL
D
EPRIVATION
: T
HE
R
IGHT TO
H
AVE
S
EX WITH A
H
OT
P
ERSON

          
A.
   
High-T Males: Blue Balls and Violence

          
B.
   
High-T Females: The Government Won’t Let You Make Money Lying Down

          
C.
   
Bad Sex: You’re Missing Out

          
D.
   
Bad Marriages: The Rules Committee

C
HAPTER
10

D
RUGS
I: W
HAT
T
HEY
A
RE
: U
NDERRATED

   
I. F
IRST
P
ERSON
: I W
AS A
S
CHMUCK

   
II. W
HAT
T
HEY
A
RE
: T
HEY
A
RE
W
HAT THE
G
OVERNMENT
S
AYS
T
HEY
A
RE

   
III. Y
OU
C
AN
’
T
H
ANDLE
T
HEM
: D
RUGS
A
RE
A
DDICTIVE

          
A.
   
Freebasing Caffeine: Administration vs. Substance

          
B.
   
Avoiding Physical Addiction: Simple

          
C.
   
Psychological Addiction: Outlaw the Big Mac

          
D.
   
Instant Inslavement? Please

          
E.
   
How Addiction Occurs: Not Randomly

                   
1.
   
The Drug: Stop Blaming It

                   
2.
   
Look Deeper: Underlying Issues

                   
3.
   
The Addict: Young and Impulsive

   
IV. Y
OU
W
ILL
D
IE
: D
RUGS
K
ILL

   
V. Y
OU
W
ILL
D
IE
S
LOWLY
: D
RUGS
A
RE
U
NHEALTHY

          
A.
   
Government Interference Is Dangerous: Criminalized Water Would Be Unhealthy

          
B.
   
It’s Not What You Do, It’s How You Do It: Duh

          
C.
   
Functional Alcoholic vs. Junkie: A Matter of Price

          
D.
   
Drugs Cause Insanity: A Forest Fire of B.S
.

          
E.
   
Shiny Happy Drug Users: The Invisible Majority

   
VI. Y
OU
W
ILL
K
ILL
M
E
: D
RUGS
M
AKE
Y
OU
D
O
B
AD
T
HINGS

          
A.
   
The Drug Made Me Do It: Stop Lying

          
B.
   
Avoiding Withdrawal Hell: Avoiding the Flu

          
C.
   
Bananas Cause Crime: The Banana Effect

   
VII. Y
OU
O
NLY
T
HINK
Y
OU
A
RE
H
AVING
F
UN
: I
LLEGAL
D
RUGS
S
ERVE
N
O
P
URPOSE

          
A.
   
Meeting God: Mind Expansion/Religious Reasons

          
B.
   
I Like You: Social Reasons

          
C.
   
Ow!: Pain Tolerance

          
D.
   
Third Wind: Energy

          
E.
   
Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Relaxation

          
F.
   
A Whole New World: Creativity

          
G.
   
F The Man: Rebel Cool

          
H.
   
Custom: Culture

          
I.
   
It Does the Body Good: Health Reasons

          
J.
   
Drugs Make Life Fun: Pleasure

C
HAPTER
11

D
RUGS
II: T
HE
T
ABOO
: Y
OU
J
UST
D
ON
’
T
K
NOW
, Y
OU
A
SSHOLE
!

   
I. T
HE
U
NSETTLING
N
ATURE
: N
O
, Y
OU
D
ON
’
T
K
NOW
, Y
OU
G
OVERNMENT
T
OOL
!

   
II. T
HE
I
GNORANCE
: N
O
, H
ONESTLY
, Y
OU
D
ON
’
T
K
NOW