Your Brain on Porn (18 page)

Tell your girlfriend. It takes the pressure off you and helps you to avoid hurting her. PIED

[porn-induced ED]
is nothing to feel bad about. Nowadays porn is really common and nearly

every guy is using porn or has used porn sometime (and I believe every girl knows that). It

could happen to anyone, as you don't have to be an excessive porn user to get your brain
messed up. My boyfriend really tried to explain everything and I'm so thankful for that! It
feels so much better to know what's going on. It also brings you closer together when your
partner includes you in something like that because then it becomes a thing you get through

together.

Not every guy who quits porn experiences a temporary loss of libido (flatline) during recovery. However, the percentage of those who report flatlines appears to be rising as the guys

who started on highspeed comprise a growing portion of ED sufferers. As one guy said,

Some guys flatline a long time, some don't, some never get one. It's difficult to gauge
anything because this problem is so new. Hopefully in a couple years we'll start to see some

trends and be able to give better advice to those who have just quit. Unfortunately we're the

pioneers in this.

Insomnia

It's important to stay well rested as fatigue can trigger porn use. However, many rebooters

have relied on their porn ritual as a sleep-aid for years. Without it, sleep is elusive at first.

(Insomnia is also a common withdrawal symptom.) Find what works for you, and keep in mind

that the problem will fade with time.

I thought fapping was the only way I could sleep, but only 10 days in I'm already sleeping

great. Falling asleep when my head hits the pillow is truly awesome.

Avoid replacing porn use with alcohol. Yes, it will help you fall asleep, but alcohol can wake you up too early, not fully rested. It's also not a good idea to replace an addiction with something else that is potentially addictive. Here are some suggestions that have worked for others:

The first week was pretty rough for me in terms of sleep quality. One thing I did to break

out of it was not to use my laptop/read in bed. I set it up on the kitchen table and would only
lie down in bed when I got tired.

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Definitely get a reading lamp. Something about having just that one light on in the room

shining on your book will make you ve-he-heh-ry sleepy.

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I started running late at night. When I get back I take a shower and hit the sack. It puts

me to sleep instantly.

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I turn on music I enjoy that my mind can focus on. Puts me to sleep almost every time.

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Reading works well for me if I can't sleep. It's a ‘replacement behaviour’ for

masturbating to porn. I've also worked hard at telling myself that missing sleep for a night
isn't the end of the world. That really helps.

*

My approach was consistent exercise, as much sunlight as possible (natural melatonin),
and abiding by the ‘use your bed only for sleep and sex rule’ – which for single me
translated to ‘use your bed only for sleep’.

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If restlessness gets super bad, I actually do Kegel exercises [pelvic-floor exercises], even

in the middle of the night. They tend to ease the longing/withdrawal by redistributing the
energy, or whatever. The muscles get a little attention for a while with the kegeling and tend
to ‘go back to sleep’.

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Get up earlier. It's also the best time to fit in a workout. You'll be tired by the time it is
time to go to sleep in the evening.

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I usually put something over my eyes and ears like a rolled up t-shirt. It helps me.

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What works for me is to wake up and go to bed at regular times, and to avoid intense
physically activity immediately before sleep.

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Lie on your back and list everything that you are grateful for. When I first started doing

this, my gratitude list was long. Now, I barely get through being thankful for my friends and

my dog and I'm dead asleep.

Some guys have benefitted from supplements, herbal teas, such as camomile, and other home

remedies:

For insomnia, I drink red date soup or miso soup.

Triggers

One man described triggers as, ‘the external factors that make you think about porn.’

Common triggers include: TV shows and movies with erotic content, porn flashbacks, morning

wood, use of recreational drugs or alcohol, words that remind you of a porn site/actor and suggestive ads. Said one guy:

The only thing that feels worse than relapsing is relapsing because you got too drunk or

high to control yourself.

But states of mind can also be triggers: boredom, anxiety, stress, depression, loneliness, rejection, fatigue, frustration, anger, failure, feeling sorry for yourself, desire to reward yourself for an accomplishment, overconfidence, jealousy, and being hung-over.

Procrastination also triggers many a relapse. The result has been dubbed ‘procrasturbation’.

Keep a list of things you want to accomplish as well as a list of risk-free activities for those moments when you just don't have the motivation to do something productive.

Obviously, triggers are somewhat unique to each brain. Here are some less common ones: hot showers, too much sugar or too many carbohydrates, too much caffeine, Russian bride ads,

websites like Stumbleupon, YouTube, Imgur and Reddit, stalking old romantic interests on Facebook, being on the computer for a long time without hourly 15-minute breaks, videogames, a

full bladder, self-absorption, handling one's genitals, clothing that rubs the genitals, masturbation, smartphone, computer, waiting for code to compile and hunger.

Triggers are both problems and solutions. They can drive you mad during rebooting (at first),

but they also show you when to be on high alert. Some rebooters take drastic measures for a bit:

I refused to have an internet connection at home and a smartphone. Both are relatively
easy to live without for a month or two while your body resets.

Triggers are what addiction experts call ‘cues’. How do they work? Your brain has wired up

nerve-cell pathways between your reward circuitry and memories of anything
associated
with porn-arousal. Anything that activates these pathways is a ‘cue’, or trigger. During evolution, the ability to react to cues worked in your ancestors' favour by helping them not to miss valuable opportunities.

Within your brain these special cue-related pathways cause an abnormally high spike in electrical activity, which induces cravings. This all happens unconsciously. All you know is that you instantly have an overwhelming ‘need’ to use porn. It can feel like a matter of life and death, such that all your resolutions take flight.

In drug addicts the cue-induced spike can be as high as the spike from actually taking the drug
,[176]
and this is likely true for heavy porn users as well.

I caught a glimpse of a porn pic the other day and there was a distinct buzz in my brain,

almost like a hot flash. Fortunately it freaked me out enough to get away fast.

The bad news is that trigger-pathways sometimes stay around for a long time, even after you

are otherwise fully rebooted. They do weaken. For example, an alcoholic who has been sober

for 20 years may no longer be triggered by beer commercials. Yet if he drank a beer his sensitized pathways might light up causing him to lose control. Similar things happen to former

porn users. They become immune to cues that were formerly risky, but if they use porn again they

may binge.

You will need to be mindful of triggers for a long time, especially powerful ones, so it pays

to work out what they are and be well aware of them. You also need to have a predetermined

response in mind for when you face one. With alertness, expectation and advance preparation, overcoming an urge is do-able. They usually pass if you can distract yourself for about ten minutes.

These men explain how they use triggers to their advantage:

One day I am browsing the web when my parents decide to go out. I didn’t want to go, so I

keep doing my stuff. When they close the door, something clicks in my head. Suddenly, a big

desire for porn pops into my mind. I was turned on by the closing of a door! That was the first
time I realized that ‘the parents leaving home’ is another trigger for me. Obvious, but I hadn't
noticed it. Now, every time my parents leave the house, I go out for a walk, call a friend or

just stop using my computer and do something useful.

*

My biggest problem was always lying in bed with my iPhone. Definitely an easy access
trigger. I also used porn almost exclusively at night. What I do now is at 11 pm, I shut down

all electronics. I put my laptop in my closet, set my alarm on my phone and put it far away

from my bed. Then I go wash my face, brush teeth, etc. I then journal or read until I'm tired.

This takes away all triggers and temptations. Instead of leaving my mind to wander I am
engrossed in a book.

When you feel The Urge, ask yourself:

- What emotions I am feeling?

- What time is it?

- Who else is around?

- What did I just do?

- Where I am?

- What could I do instead that would meet my needs?

Could you go for a run, prepare a healthy snack, learn a new word in another language, work

on that novel you've been meaning to write or call a friend? Choose a response that furnishes a

sense of accomplishment, connection or self-care.

Finally, once you have identified the trigger and decided upon an alternative reward for that

situation, record your plan, ‘When _____ occurs (trigger), I will ________ (new routine), because it gives me ____ (the reward)’. Rewards might be more energy, something to be proud

of, better health, feelings of happiness, the satisfaction of taking care of business, increased confidence, better mood, improved memory, reduced depression, desire to socialise, better erections, and so forth.

If you consistently ‘face and replace’, your new behaviour will eventually be automatic. If

for some reason you can't act on your new routine, do what Olympic athletes do and
visualize

yourself acting on it in minute detail.

Emotions

People who quit porn often remark that they feel more emotions. Why is this a challenge?

Because unfamiliar emotions can be overwhelming at first, especially if they are unwelcome.

Here are some typical accounts:

From unexplainable happiness to crippling sorrow, I now experience emotions like never

before. Masturbation to porn had numbed these extremes, leaving me dull and complacent.

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You will encounter emotions you haven't felt for years, maybe never. Girls that didn't
matter to you before will all of a sudden be the centrepiece to your f--king life. That exam you
failed? You don't blow it off; you worry about your grade; you worry about the final coming

up in two weeks. And this is good; hell it's great. This is the suffering that you learn from, that
lets you grow you as a person. But it will hurt. At points you'll feel sad, confused maybe even
depressed. Don't fall into that trap. Emotions pass, memories fade, and you will come out
stronger for it. Remember, you have years of emotional growth and maturity to come into. It

might not be easy, you may not feel comfortable, but it is worth it.

As this guy pointed out, you can't have the highs without being willing to face the lows:

Porn, at its core, is much like any other addictive substance or behaviour. It DOES numb

your pain, but therein lies the problem. You see, you can't selectively numb an emotion or
feeling without numbing every other emotion and feeling. So even though these things dull the

sting of vulnerability, loneliness, sadness, disappointment and fear, they also dull the positive
range of emotions like happiness, hope, joy and love.

Chaser

The term 'chaser' is often used to describe intense cravings that sometimes follow orgasm.

Like withdrawal symptoms, it can derail a reboot in a heartbeat. Two guys describe the chaser:

The chaser effect is counterintuitive but real. I had little urge to fap while my girlfriend

was out of the country, but as soon as we started having sex again my urges to use porn
became stronger.