You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (18 page)

Dear Ian:

I assume by “mind games” you mean brain teasers. My advice is to simply break it down into pieces and make a chart. For example, if the butler is in the room next to Duane, then the butler cannot be Duane, so you just put an “X” on that part of the grid. If you keep eliminating all the possibilities, I’m confident you’ll find that Mrs. Leeverlily was the only one in the study at the time of the murder and so she had the opportunity to shoot General Thornbush with the silver revolver and hide his body in the convertible couch.

If your friends are still patronizing after trying the above, they’re not good friends and you should try to get some new ones. I suggest joining a club where you’ll meet people with similar interests. In your case, check out the fag club.

Good luck!

David

…

Dear David:

My cat likes to eat raw cookie dough, so I often leave a few tablespoons of it in her dish after I’m finished baking. Is this inhumane?

Julia Mordaunt
Burlington, VT

Dear Julia:

Oh, Julia. Where to start? First of all, just because she eats cookie dough doesn’t mean she likes it. She might eat it because it’s all she gets. Why don’t you ever give her regular cat food? Cookie dough is filled with sugar and carbs. At least make it with Splenda and low-fat chocolate chips. Also, why don’t you call Richard back? He’s so fond of you, and so what if he was a little boring on the first date? He was probably nervous. He’s a nice guy and he’s got a good job, and it’s not like you’ve got men lined up around the block, no offense. Would it kill you to just meet him again for a cup of coffee and see if you might like him a little more? I hear he’s been rock climbing. Maybe you guys could go together. I hate to see you always showing up alone at weddings. Give him a call. I told him you would. Okay, that’s it. I’ve said my piece. I’ll shut up now and you do what you want with your life.

Much love,
David

…

Dear David:

I have a chronic problem. I’m always dropping things, or losing things. At the bar or in my home, it doesn’t matter. If there is a
liquid, I usually spill it. I was wondering, what is the best way to handle this?

Cory
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Cory:

Luckily, yours is a problem that has a simple solution. Stop being a putz! Let’s role-play: You’re in a nice restaurant and the waiter brings you a martini. You do not put the full martini glass in the breast pocket of your blazer! This is not as suave as you think it is. Plus, there’s a very good chance the martini will spill. Better bet: keep the martini on the table and carefully sip it. Same goes for bug juice and Coke. Another tip: don’t butter your honeydews. They’re harder to keep a hold of, especially if you only have one hand. (Are you an amputee? Your letter didn’t specify.) Keep on keeping on, Cory. I’m rooting for you, and so are all of my staff.

David

…

Dear David:

Is it ethical to dispose of one pet (dead) by feeding it to another?

Yulia Strizheus
Cicero, IL

Dear Yulia:

Yulia? That’s your name? I’m not even going there, girlfriend. Anyway, regarding your question: in our family we had three ways of disposing of pets—flushing (for iguanas), burying (for dogs), and a bullet to the brain (for cats). Feeding one pet to another is barbaric, medieval, and sick. But with a name like Yulia, my guess is you’re some kind of dirty, scab-covered foreigner. So go ahead, knock yourself out.

With great respect,
David

…

Dear David:

Sometimes I like to surprise my wife and come home in the middle of the day for lunch and a massage. But lately, when I arrive, I find her playing around in the yard with Bosco, one of the neighborhood dogs. He’s a red-and-brown collie and he’s friendly with everyone, but there’s something about the way he licks her knee that doesn’t sit right with me. What should I do?

Chris Heffernan
Queens, NY

Dear Chris:

As awkward as it sometimes can be, the only solution is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with Bosco. If he’s unresponsive (as collies can tend to be—I tell you from experience), then you’ll have to be proactive and structure the conversation. Give Bosco ample opportunity to tell you if he’s attracted to your wife, and if so, which parts of her specifically. Be prepared: in situations like this, Bosco might not offer much more than a “ruff-ruff” or “bow-wow.” Don’t be discouraged by this. It could be the only way Bosco knows how to communicate. Another tactic is to talk to your wife about the situation. If she only offers you a “bow-wow,” then my guess is your wife is something of a hound and should be dropped faster than a hot potato.

Much love,
David

…

Dear David:

I only shave every three days. Do you think this is enough, or should I do it more frequently?

Jason McKinney
Denver, CO

Dear Jason:

There was an old middle school rhyme I used to sing that’s a good rule of thumb:

Shave your beard every four days
Balls every two
Your butt is like another face
And from it comes a doo
.

Follow these words and you, too, can enjoy the true relationship that I have with God.

Keep in touch,
David

…

Dear David:

I get really angry whenever I watch TV. Not just at the news, but at sitcoms and dramas and pretty much everything that’s on. I start screaming and throwing things at the screen and my blood pressure goes through the roof. Is this my problem or does TV owe me an apology?

Madsen
Madison, WI

Dear Madsen:

There is an easy fix for this problem. First I’d suggest putting a tarp over the broken part of the roof, which will keep out rain and burglars (at least those without scissors). Next, mix a solution of plaster, cement, water, caulking grease, and stucco. Carefully spread this mixture across the roof-hole. To prevent your blood pressure from penetrating the roof again, I’d suggest steel reinforcements (3 × 5), which you can ask for at your local reinforcements depot.

Sincerely,
David

P.S. If you want to get less angry when watching TV in the first place, try watching higher-numbered channels. I’m particularly partial to 359, 435, and 436.

P.P.S. Your TV does not “owe” you an apology or “owe” you anything. He must
choose
to apologize on his own, or what’s it worth? Please tell him I’d be willing to do a phone session with him.

…

Dear David:

How long should you fight to save your marriage before you admit that you’re really in love with alimony?

Madison K
.
Austin, TX

Dear Madison:

Five weeks.

Best,
David

…

Dear David:

I’m willing to cook at home as long as what I cook doesn’t resemble a dead animal. But I hate doing dishes, and I especially hate the smell that wafts up from a stack of dirty dishes overflowing from the sink onto the counter. What do you recommend?

Christy
Danbury, CT

Dear Christy:

No one enjoys doing dishes. It’s one of those universally hated tasks that we all have to deal with, especially folks like you and I who have an ongoing (if nonexclusive) love affair with the art of haute cuisine. It’s basically a four-step process:

1. Cook (preferably something Thai or SoCal-LoCarb).

2. Eat (slowly—put your BlackBerry away!).

3. Relax, digest, enjoy a good sex pamphlet or take a crack at solving the Rubik’s Snake.

4. Have the cleaning woman do the dishes.

Good luck,
David

ADDENDUM:
Since this article was first published, I’ve received numerous inquiries from aspiring stay-at-home cooks who claim not to employ a cleaning woman, and/or whose cleaning woman doesn’t work after dinner. First of all, are you joking? If you are not, then I’d suggest having your cleaning man do the dishes. If you have neither, then I think you have much bigger problems than a sinkful of dishes (e.g., dirty sheets).

Rainn Wilson

Dear Rainn:

I woke up this morning to find a mushroom growing out of my carpet. Should I call the landlord or just eat it?

Christine Ramos
Buffalo, NY

Dear Christine:

A mushroom is a fungus. When we visit zoos or botanical gardens and mushrooms are featured, the title of the exhibition always is “There’s a Fungus Among Us!” Write the landlord a letter with that phrase title and he’ll knowingly nod and take care of the situation.

Sidebar: contrary to popular mythology,
all
mushrooms are edible and actually quite nutritious, so feel free to pop that fuzzy sucker in your pie hole!

Rainn

…

Dear Rainn:

I have a crush on a girl I had a dream about last night. I don’t think she even exists. How can I get in touch with her? She’s the one for me!

C. Williamson
New York, NY

Dear C.:

Funny you should ask. I have created an all-purpose Web portal for interactions such as yours. It’s called Dreamconnect.com. Simply describe your literal “dream” girl, and an e-mail blast will be sent out to our database of over eighty thousand girls who have enrolled on our site because they feel that they have been or will be “dreamed of.” Our powerful search engine will match you to a selection of these “dream girls,” and for $490 you will be able to contact what is sure to be the love of your life!

Note: most of our “dream girls” don’t speak English, only Bulgarian, so good luck with that!

Also: I love the name Williamson. It’s so simple. Son of William. Somewhere back in the old country there was a man named William and that man was your father.

Rainn

…

Dear Rainn:

Is it okay to fart in yoga class?

Karen Thurn
San Jose, CA

Dear Karen:

According to Dave Finster of
Science on the Stairs
, when you fart, small molecules of fecal matter, methane, and intestinal tissue are disbursed into the air. When you fart in yoga class, what better way for people to get to know you than to breathe in your fecal molecules and embed them into their lungs? You will literally merge with your class and bring your souls together! Best to announce it first, though, so your classmates can begin their Pranayama
^™
techniques and link their mind, body, and spirit with your atmospheric fecal bounty.

Rainn

…

Dear Rainn:

I just got dumped by my shitty boyfriend who works with me. How do I get him fired and steal all of his friends and leave him in a watery grave while still maintaining a devil-may-care attitude? Also, please advise on revenge tactics
.

Amanda
Long Beach, CA

Dear Amanda:

Press a knife into the center of his eye. It will go into his brain. See how far it can go. Make a tuxedo from his blood. Dance like you’ve never danced before. Take a tour of a museum that you’ve never been to before, like the Gene Autry Museum or the Museum of Fog. Watch
Inspector Gadget 2: Gadget Meets His Match
, starring French Stewart. Make something besides pesto from pine nuts and then …

I’m sorry, what was the question?

Rainn

…

Dear Rainn:

Is the Iraq War still going on? I keep forgetting
.

Miriam Brooks
Fort Wayne, IN

Dear Miriam:

The war is indeed over and peace has been restored to the land. As a matter of fact, I’ve established the first Iraq scenic peace tours for concerned liberals. Just sign in at FertileCrescentTours.com and check out our guided walking tours of Fallujah and Mosul. We have amphibious duck boat tours of Ramadi that take you up and down the Tigris-Euphrates. (History’s “Fertile Crescent” from history class!) Camp out under the stars in the glorious Anbar Province and take in the fresh sea air at the port of Basra. Tours start at nine thousand euros; sign up today!

Rainn

…

Dear Rainn:

What is the best way to get rid of a ghoul that lives in your home? I think I’ve got one and it’s totally fucking rude
.

Cecile
Fort Worth, TX

Dear Cecile:

Ghoul catching instructions:

1. One large wooden box covered in religious symbology.