You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) (25 page)

“I’m sure,” she had replied, shaking her head.
“Jenn’s here, and we’ve got some girly stuff planned with Liz and Lauren. Besides that, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. There’s still so many other things that need to be done before the rehearsal Friday night.”

Jamie’s forehead had creased as he looked down at the blacktop, then back up into her eyes. “Sorry about that. I know I’m leaving you with a million loose ends.”

“It’s fine. You just go do your thing. Who knows, maybe you’ll get done and come home a day or so early.”

He had cupped her face in his hands as he leaned down to kiss her. She stepped up on her tiptoes to bring her arms around his neck. Her fingers instantly tangled in his hair.

He had taken his hands away from her face and brought them down to her waist, sweeping her up off her feet.

She remembered that they had all but forgotten about the scorching heat. The plane that was waiting to take him away hadn’t made the least bit of difference. They’d blocked it all out until Jenna pressed down on the horn and startled them.

“You got to go,” she had sighed.

“I know,” he kissed her one last time. “I’ll bring you a surprise back from the city.”

“The only thing I want is you. I love you.”

“I love you, too. See ya in three days?” Jamie took a step toward the plane, and away from her forever.

“You bet.”

“I’ll call you tonight.”

“I’ll be here waiting.” she’d smiled and waved goodbye.

“Charleigh? Charleigh?”

Kevin’s voice brought her back to the present. She looked over at him, a little vaguely, and then back down to the bracelet.

“Huh?” She asked.

“I asked you what the charms meant, and you kind of spaced out.”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about the last time that I saw Jamie. At the air field, he promised to bring me something back. I guess he meant it, huh?”

“Yeah, but what do they mean?” Kevin asked for the third time.

Charleigh looked down at the bracelet and the charms. Among them, there was a tiny pair of ballet slippers. A horse. A star. A tiny bug that resembled a firefly. A snowman. An angel. A candle. Each one of them had a special meaning that only she and Jamie would’ve known the significance.

“This one…” she started, toying with the slippers. “…is from the Christmas pageant last year… The horse is because I taught him to ride… The star: I took him camping one night… The firefly was from the Fourth of July… The snowman is for Valentine’s Day.” Charleigh touched the angel. It was only a silhouette. “I don’t know what this is for.”

“It’s for the first time you met,” Madie said. All of the others turned to look at her. “Remember the night you first met, Charleigh? You were outside in the snow, making…”

“…Snow angels,” Charleigh finished the other woman’s sentence. “I didn’t think anybody saw me do that but you, Lenore. You came out there, fussing at me.”

“Jamie stood next to the window there for some time.” Lenore pointed across the room. “Finally, he asked what color your coat was, and I came over to see what he was looking at. That was when I came out, squawking at you like an old mother hen.”

They seemed to sigh at the same time, remembering that night.

That had been the night Jamie twisted Charleigh’s arm. It also had been a new beginning… for both of them.

“When do you think Jamie fell in love with me?” she asked.

“That same night,” Madie replied, patting Charleigh on the shoulder. “There was this look he got on his face when he first saw you. You did, too, Char. And the two of you just stood there for about five minutes, staring at one another. I’d never seen anything like it.”

“I miss him,” Charleigh choked back the tears. She pressed a hand to her growing belly that had the waist of her dress stretched tight.

“We all do, dear,” Lenore replied. “But we have to remember that we’re all together in this. Don’t think for a moment that you’re going to have to raise those babies on your own.”

Kevin nodded. “Jenna and I agreed that we want to move down here to be a permanent part of our nieces’ or nephews’ lives. What’s holding us back in New York, anyway?”

“Uh, your mother,” Charleigh offered, wiping away a tear.

“That’s a joke, I hope.”

“No, it’s not.” Especially not after all of the things Claudia had done to try to sabotage
Charleigh and Jamie’s relationship.

“I’ve already arranged to finish Med
ical school by next summer. My internship at Columbia will be over, then I’ll come to the University hospital in Norman to do my residency,” Kevin explained. “Jenn still has a few years of college left, but there’s always the summers. She’s so enamored with your cousin, Brian, it’s pathetic. She’s thinking of transferring to Southeastern, just to be closer.”

“You’re not doing it because you feel sorry for me, I hope?” Charleigh asked. She was sure if push came to shove, she’d be fine on her own.

“No, it’s because our family— our
real
family— is here. Mother is so disconnected from us, she would never let us call her ‘mom.’ Besides, Grandmother and Grandfather are just as condescending as she is.” He put an arm around his almost sister-in-law.

Yawning, Jenna came into the living room. She looked around at each person through squinted eyes, trying to figure out what was going on. Noticing the suitcase on the coffee table, she sighed and shifted her eyes away to the floor.

With arms crossed beneath her breasts, Jenna began to sway. Charleigh couldn’t decide whether it was in nervousness or impatience. She soon came to the conclusion of impatience.

“You know I hate to break up the pity-party, ‘cause I think we’ve all had more today than we can handle…” she said. “…but I was just wondering, since I woke up and didn’t smell food cooking— which is a rarity in this house— if you had decided as a group to go on a hunger fast in memory of Jamie and Dad.”

“Watch it, young lady.” Madie pointed a finger at her granddaughter. “Grief doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful.”

“I don’t mean to be, but my stomach is rumbling,” Jenna apologized. “Can’t you hear it?”

“Come on. I’m sure we can find something to whip up.” Lenore stood up and took her grandniece by the hand. “And just for that little outburst, you’ve got kitchen-cleanup duty.”

“Aw, man,” Jenna groaned.

“It’s not so bad, I promise. I’ll even help.”

Charleigh looked up at Madie as the other two left the room. Lenore and Jenna’s voices could still be heard as they moved down the hallway toward the kitchen. A faint smile crossed the old woman’s lips as she stood up. Madie leaned over to kiss her on the top of the head. Without speaking a single word, she did the same thing to Kevin and headed in the same direction.

“Well, I guess we better go help,” Charleigh groaned as she hauled herself to her feet.

“Before you go, I think this goes along with the bracelet,” Kevin said, doing the same. He held a small, white envelope out to her.

She had no idea what to say. She stared at it for a second before reluctantly taking it.

“I’ll leave you alone to read it,” Kevin told her and quickly retreated to the kitchen.

Holding it with both hands, Charleigh took her time to open it. There could be a million things that Jamie could have written. She went over to sit in Madie’s chair, turning on the lamp on the table next to it.

She touched the edges of the sealed flap. As funny as it might seem to someone else, Charleigh thought about how Jamie might have looked as he ran his tongue along that area to moisten the glue. She remembered how cute he’d looked doing just that as they’d worked on their wedding invitations.

She remembered the feeling of Jamie’s lips pressed to her own.

One last thing Charleigh wanted to do before she opened the envelope. She brought it up
to her nose and closed her eyes. It had the same assortment of scents as everything else in the bag did. All of the same scents she’d loved so much about the man. Now they were only a memory.

Finally, she ripped it open and pulled out the card. It was actually a brochure of a resort in Jamaica. On the front was a couple sitting on a sandy beach as the sun went down below the horizon. On a post-it note, in Jamie’s almost indecipherable handwriting,
‘You and me,’
was scrawled.

It made Charleigh chuckle as she opened the card. A long and skinny piece of yellow legal-pad paper fell out onto her lap. She unfolded it and began to read.

Charleigh,

In twenty-four hours you’ll walk down that aisle and become my wife. To be completely honest, I can’t wait until I slip that ring on your finger. There’s no need to worry about cold feet here, because I don’t mind plunging headfirst into the unknown, as long as you’ll be there with me. I love you so much, Char.

I know you said at the airfield on Monday that you just wanted me to come back home to you, but I still wanted to get you something that will always be a reminder of the good times we’ve had together. There’s also enough room left on there to add charms for all of the other wonderful moments we’ll experience in the years to come.

Because you have my heart, always.

With all my love, Jamie.

(One year after Charleigh and Jamie first met)

It was hard for Charleigh to believe a whole year had already passed since she laid eyes on Jamie Matthews for the very first time. Three hundred sixty-five days. Fifty-two weeks. Twelve whole months. A lot of things can take place in such a short amount of time, more than she ever wanted to remember.

Tragically, he wasn’t with her to commemorate the special occasion. Not in the flesh, anyway. Standing in front of the marble cenotaph, Charleigh could feel Jamie’s presence, all the same. And if she closed her eyes, she was almost certain that she would be able to smell the clean scent of his aftershave. To feel the warmth of his arms around her body; the bottom of his chin resting on her head.

Without Jamie by her side, Charleigh knew her life wouldn’t ever be the way she had imagined it, but she was forever changed by the loved he had shown to her. The impact he had on her mind, body, and spirit was unmistakable. She was a totally different person than she had been on this day one year ago. Charleigh supposed, if Jamie were there, he would’ve said the same exact thing about himself.

He lived on in her heart. The tell-tale signs of the tiny miracles he’d left in his wake were becoming more and more evident with every passing day as her waistline grew. The memories of their time together were safely stored away in her mind, and Charleigh would make sure that their sons or daughters knew who their father was, how much their parents had loved one another, and how much he would have loved them.

You are my heart, Jamie
, Charleigh thought, pulling her wool pea coat tighter around her body. She wasn’t able to button it anymore because of her ever-growing belly.

The sky was an ominous gray, but unlike the year before, the ground was hidden by a carpet of red and orange and yellow leaves instead of snow. They crowded around the stone base, adding a bit of color to the bleakness. The barren branches of surrounding trees swayed back and forth in a bone-chilling breeze. It played in the ringlets of her hair, feeling almost as if someone were running their fingers through it
, just like Jamie used to do.

As the first teardrop rolled down her cheek, Charleigh closed her eyes and let herself pretend.

***

Madie brought her car to a stop behind Charleigh’s massive SUV on the small strip of gravel between the sections of graves and put it in park. Lenore was sitting beside her in the passenger seat, and Kevin and Jenna were together in the backseat. Reluctant to take that first step, the group silently stared out the car windows at their stark surroundings.

It was the last place any of them wanted to be; the last thing Kevin and Jenna wanted to be doing on their break from college for the Thanksgiving holiday. The funeral had been like a knife to their hearts, but this was the final and absolute hardest step toward admitting the sad reality that their loved ones were no longer with them, and acknowledging, despite the dwindling hope each of them secretly held in their hearts, that they would never be coming back.

With the exception of Jamie and Greg’s bodies to provide substantial evidence, their heads and their hearts were slowly adjusting to those facts. No matter what, it still didn’t make coming to see the two men’s names etched in stone any easier.

From where he still sat in the backseat, Kevin could see the woman who his brother had loved, standing in front of those stones that he was too afraid to see for himself. Two bunches of white roses laid on the ground at her feet. Her back was to them. He couldn’t tell what she was doing, if she was talking to the wind in hopes that it would find its way to Jamie’s ears in heaven, but his eyes remained trained on her. Charleigh was small and willowy, even with the tiny baby-bump. She looked as if she was about to be swept away by the wind any minute, yet she remained unmoved, planted in place like a strong oak tree.

He couldn’t help wondering what would have become of Charleigh if something had happened and she never found out about the pregnancy, or if she’d decided to go ahead with the abortion. Jamie’s death had hit her the hardest of them all. It had knocked her to her knees, and Kevin was certain the only reasons that she had pulled herself back up were the ones living inside of her. He didn’t want to consider any other possibility.

If she can do it, then so can we.
Kevin was the first to make a move as he reached for the handle of the door and pushed it open. Startled by his actions, the car’s three other occupants turned and stared at him apprehensively. Remaining silent, he got out then turned back and held his hand out to Jenna.

“I don’t want to,” she told him, shaking her head.

“Jenn, I miss Jamie and Dad just as much as you do,” Kevin sighed, somewhat surprised by the agitation in his voice. With an apology in his eyes, he shook his head. “But no matter what we do, we can’t hide from the truth. I know that they aren’t here. Those stones are just a bunch of engraving, but it’s the closest thing we have right now.” He turned and pointed at something behind him. “Look out there and tell me what you see.”

The girl leaned forward in her seat to see what her brother was talking about. “Charleigh,” she answered in a whisper.

“Don’t you think it’s killing her to see our brother’s name on there?” Kevin asked. “Probably even more than we know, but she’s still there. Can’t you at least try?”

Mulling the situation over in her mind, Jenna looked from her grandmother to her aunt. They stared back, coming to a silent agreement. Kevin was right, and they all knew it. As the young woman scooted closer to her brother, the others reached for their own door handles.

***

“Charleigh.” Her name floated on the breeze like a whisper directly from the lips of an angel. Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and wiped away the moisture from her cheeks.

The rustling sound of dry, brittle leaves came from behind, and she turned around and saw Kevin, Jenna, Madie, and Lenore slowly making their way toward her. Both of the old women, Charleigh saw, were carrying their own bouquets of flowers, like the ones she had brought. Hand in hand, Jenna and Kevin walked a few paces behind them.

“Been here long?” Madie asked, coming to put her arms around Charleigh.

Nodding against the old woman’s shoulder, she answered, “A little bit.”

After a long comforting moment, Charleigh pulled back, tugging her sweater and coat back down over her belly. She looked back at the headstones and took a few breaths while trying to get her thoughts in check.

Kevin and Jenna took the last few careful and deliberate steps toward the memorials. The young man’s eyes met with Charleigh’s, but his sister stared down hard at the object. Like if she concentrated hard enough, she could make them disappear.

It wasn’t possible, though, because, Charleigh thought,
I’ve already tried.

“Hey,” Kevin said, reaching out for her hand. It felt like ice, he noticed as they came in contact.

“What am I supposed to say?” Jenna asked in a small voice. Her eyes stayed on the etched writing of her brother’s monument. ‘
James Adam Matthews. Born: May 31, 1974. Died: September 11, 2001. Rest In Peace, My Love.
’

She turned and read her father’s.
‘Gregory Paul Matthews. Born: February 22, 1946. Died: September 11, 2001. In Memory of Our Beloved Son, Father, Brother, Uncle, Nephew, and Friend.’

“Say whatever you feel, child,” Madie said. After placing the bouquets of orchids that she’d brought along on the ground beside Charleigh’s, she came to put a supportive hand on her granddaughter’s shoulder.

To that day, the young woman still had never seen a real dead body. As for her father and brother’s, well… “But it’s just a stone. How do I tell an empty grave how much I miss him?”

“Well, Jenn
,” Charleigh spoke as calmly as she could because she’d been feeling the exact same way as she’d stood there alone only a matter of minutes before. “I guess, you just say whatever comes to mind and hope that they can hear you. It’s the thought that really counts, anyway.”

Jenna nodded as tears filled her eyes. There were so many things that she wanted to say. So many things that she wished she had said to her dad and to Jamie while they had been alive. Many times over the last couple months, she had
screamed out in rage, so angry for all of the missed opportunities. She’d wanted to throw something, hit someone to make them feel as much pain as she was. Usually, it ended up being Kevin who she hit, pounding her fists against his chest as he tried to comfort her.

Life had never been boring with her big brother around. Sometimes it was terrifying and hysterical, but never boring. It was so hard for her to believe that two of the most important men in her world were really gone, and that she’d never get to see them again. She’d never be able to sweet talk her dad into giving her his platinum card for the occasional shopping-spree, or laugh at her older brother’s idiotic jokes. She’d never again be able to kiss their cheeks or give them hugs.

Jenna was so glad that Jamie had found someone like Charleigh to love him before it was too late. To be able to show him what real, unconditional love was all about. She was just so sorry that he never knew that he were going to be a dad.

I give you my word that I’ll always be around to give Charleigh a hand, though.
Jenna pressed a kiss to her hand and then to the stone. She turned back and buried her face in her grandmother’s shoulder.

“You know,” Charleigh began, running a hand over the young girl’s back. “I was thinking before y’all got here about everything that Jamie and I had done together, and I realized that
today
is the one year anniversary of the first time I met him. Can you believe that?”

“Is that all?” Lenore asked and Charleigh nodded. “It feels like ages since he came to town and turned all of our lives upside-down.” Her comment was met by an unpleasant look from her sister. “In a good way, I meant. He brought about a change in all of us, I think.”

“So many life-altering moments were crammed into the last year. That’s what makes it seem so drawn out,” Charleigh clarified so that the old woman’s words didn’t seem so harsh. She sighed, “I just feel blessed to have had Jamie in my life for even that long.”

A comforting silence settled over the group as they continued to stand in front of the cenotaphs. The wind whipped around them, and yet they were warmed by the knowledge that the ones they loved were in a better place.

Though she couldn’t speak for the rest of them, Charleigh felt the lives Greg and Jamie had lived weren’t entirely over. The love that she had felt for her fiancé, the father of her children, kept him alive and well in her heart and mind. As long as she was willing to remember the good things and not ponder the unpleasant memories or the ‘what-ifs’.

We said that we’d never make promises, Jamie, but I can’t keep myself from making just one. As long I am alive, you are alive. As long as my heart is beating then so is yours. And I’ll always make sure your memory lives on through our children.

Madie took one of Charleigh’s hands in her own. Immediately, she felt shivers run down her spine. The girl’s hand was like ice. Who knew how long she’d been standing out there before they showed up, not to mention the half-hour that they’d stayed in the car.

“Charleigh, honey, are you cold?” she asked, bringing the hand she held up to one of her cheeks.

“I’m a little chilly, but it’s fine,” the young woman answered. “Just a few more minutes.”

Charleigh pulled her hand away and took a step closer to Jamie’s stone to touch the top of the smooth surface. She placed another hand on her stomach. In that moment, she was touching her past, her present, and her future. Without one, there never would have been the other.

Without Jamie, Charleigh would never have known what was really possible in love and in life. She probably would have continued to drift, feeling lonely and angry at herself for what she could never be. The time they had spent together gave her the strength to heal, and the resolve to put the past where it belonged. Charleigh had learned to forgive and to forget all of the misconceptions she’d had about herself and about a few others.

Namely Andrea and Gavin. Some time ago, she’d also stopped being so angry at them. That was all ancient history, to Charleigh’s way of thinking.
Gavin.
She was starting to think that
maybe
she understood a little of what he’d felt when Andrea told him that she was pregnant now that she was expecting her own little ones. Brea was his little girl. Nothing could ever change that.

He’d wanted to be a part of his daughter’s life, but Charleigh had been standing in the way. She realized Gavin’s reasons for concealing his true connection to Brea wasn’t so much that he was afraid to cut the purse strings as it was that he didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had.

Charleigh figured that she and Gavin would probably never be friends again, but at least she was finally able to admit that she didn’t blame him anymore. Knowing Jamie, loving him, she had found clarity to do that. The last year had been full of ups and downs. Still, if she hadn’t experienced them, she never would have figured that out. She was learning more and more, as the days continued to slowly pass by without him in her life, that she’d found the strength to stand alone, with her head held high.