You're Not Pretty Enough (20 page)

3. Remove toxic people from your life.
If you’re not getting what you need from your direct support network or if some of your primary relationships make you feel bad about yourself or not accepted, then
it’s time to move on. Easier said than done though, right? But remember: as an adult, you have options. You don’t
have
to remain friends with people or continue dating someone who doesn’t make you happy. You don’t have to officially “break up” with them either—especially friends or even
parents, but you can set boundaries.

4. There are short-term fixes.
And this may surprise you, but some people really don’t think about it. For those of us who do, that
“not pretty enough” feeling is more of a passing thought—something that comes up as we’re getting ready or if we’re out with “prettier” people with whom we compare ourselves. That’s normal and can be pushed aside with some easy tactics. The site contains lots of tips and tools for how to do this, including
great insights from video contributors.

5. Longer term, we’re all works in progress.
When those short-term fixes don’t work, it’s time to pull in your “helpers,” the people in
your life who listen and lift you up, people you can open up to and who make you feel safe. The ultimate goal is self-acceptance, but as one of the video contributors said, “You always hear, ‘Love yourself.’ Well, shit, if it were that easy, we’d all be doing that, wouldn’t we?” Indeed. Self-acceptance
doesn’t mean you give yourself a free pass if you genuinely make a mistake. It means you can assess yourself accurately and accept who you are. Sometimes we can’t do that for ourselves. Sometimes we need help from our family and friends
and significant others and sometimes from professionals.

6. There is no one ideal of beauty.
Even with the standards put out there through the media, let me tell you that people of all types are hooking up. Everywhere. All the time. And I know that once I’m in
someone’s company for more than ten seconds, I’m past the physical. If you’re nice, I like you. If you’re funny, I like you. If you have a curious intellect, I like you. If you like to drink cocktails and talk in funny voices, I like
you. If you get the point of this paragraph, I like you.

So where does this leave me? What are my own feelings about being “pretty enough” given my story? When people hear or read my “not pretty
enough” story, they often say to me, “how could anyone ever say that to
you?”
Well, guess what? Even “pretty” girls feel unpretty. Even “pretty” girls get told that. How many stories from actresses and models have we heard where they were told, “if you just lost 10 pounds…”

For me, my “prettiness” was always wrapped up in my weight as well. I knew I had some assets: a pretty face, some serious hair, and a proportional T&A body. I like to put it away, with food and drink, and as
someone who does not pay a lot of attention to the scale I can easily put on 10 pounds in a snap. Sometimes 20. Sometimes 40. I must have destroyed all of my “fat” photos. I wouldn’t be ashamed of them now, nor would I be ashamed of my body. But back then - when I was less mature, when I didn’t know or accept
myself as well as I do know - if I saw a “fat” photo, I’d trash it.

Growing up, my friends and family treated me the same, loved me the same no matter my size. But it was different with the boys. I noticed
that when I was skinnier, I didn’t get called a fat ass. I noticed I got more positive attention.

And I used that positive attention as a corollary to positive things. I got that promotion or that guy because I was “skinny,” or I
didn’t because I was “fat.” It took some time for me to understand that kind of thinking wasn’t going to get me anywhere. It took me some time to figure out that wasn’t true. I still have those “not pretty enough” feelings, but they’re
only little wisps of things, like a gnat I can swat away. I think this will remain the status quo.

I think, finally, I’m enough.

There are so many people to thank! To name them all individually would do injustice to others I’d undoubtedly forget, so I’ll limit
it to a few who were instrumental.

To Tara Susman-Peña, thank you for making me feel like I had something to say (and that others would want to hear it) during our early
writing sessions. To Claire Ruppert (and the Emerson Writers Workshop in DC), thank you for forcing me to really home in on the themes that were important and for helping me realize my writer’s voice. To Shawna Kenney and Cara Bruce for your invaluable feedback and editing notes. It was through you that I first
felt I was getting somewhere. To Susan Kittenplan, Jennie Willink and Ian Fay for guiding me in the right direction when I wanted to go bigger. To Jaime Windon (The Blonde Photographer) for seeing my sassy and raising it as
evidenced by her amazing shots. To Wendy Stamberger, my good friend since third grade (as she said, “I
knew
that girl with the eyebrows”) and a major talent in the design world, for her artistic and personal support. Whenever I
needed it. In perpetuity.

To the Washington DC and NYC storytelling communities. Some of my favorite people are in this community, which I find so supportive and inspiring. Telling these stories on stage gave me keen insight into what was
working and what wasn’t. And to the fans and supporters of storytelling: I want to nuzzle you in my ample bosom! You are a warm bunch. When I first started out I thought I would puke and had to pee every 5 minutes before a performance. Now I can’t wait to get out there.

To my friends who read early drafts and came to watch me perform. Thank you for the honest, super helpful feedback while also being super encouraging. You were always my target audience.

To my dad for being such a loving, caring goofball of a guy
and for tolerating me renting
Girls Just Want to Have Fun
every other weekend for like, two years. To my stepmom Vicki for taking on this crazy little trio and embracing us fully. You’re my buddies. To my mom for being a
model in countless ways, I’m not even sure I’ve fully absorbed it. To my sister, Rebecca, for never ever judging me and supporting me all of the time. You’re my go to in many, many situations. Also you think I’m the funniest and
when we get rolling it sounds like a dolphin and a machine gun are mating. And
that’s
the funniest. To my sister’s wife Erin (sissy two); your wonderful, pure spirit is such a gift. To my in-laws for always treating me like their daughter/
sister/aunt. Thank you for your unwavering support.

To my husband Dave for walking through all the muck with me. Life can be a real shit show but you give me the most comfort. I can’t wait for more adventures with you. Team Tress: clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

[1]
Student Arrested, by Jacki Masar, Assistant News Editor. The Collegian, Volume 68, Issue 57. Perpetrator’s name changed

[2]
June 3, 1991, The
Collegian.

[3]
Author’s note: name redacted.

[4]
Compilation of stories: “Family Sues UT, Hodge Over Murder,” The Toledo Blade, January 19,
1994, Tom Troy, Staff Writer and “Herstrum’s Life Casts Echoes…,” Toledo Free Press, January 26, 2007, Justin R. Kalmes.

[5]
From Molly Bloom’s Soliloquy, Ulysses, James Joyce