Yours Always (23 page)

I manage to give her a slight smile before rolling away from her.  She moves in close so she can wrap her arm around me, and it’s then, with me holding Fletcher’s pillow and knowing that Lizzy is at my back, that I’m finally able to sleep. 

Fletcher’s farewell is very small and intimate.  Since it’s just Julia, Henry, Molly, Ben, Lizzy, and I, we decide to have a graveside service only.  The funeral home arranged for a military burial, and knowing that Fletcher is being honored as the hero he was brings me comfort.  I’m dazed throughout the service; I’m startled at the twenty-one gun salute, and tears fall freely during “Taps
.
”  I graciously accept the folded flag from the white gloved honor guard member and clutch it to my chest as they lower the man I’d intended to grow old with into his final resting place. 

It’s not until we’re walking away, and I hear Molly tearfully pleading to her father to please take care of her Uncle Fletcher that I can’t go anymore.  I fall to my knees.

“Savannah, come on.  Let’s get you home,” Lizzy says, while Ben helps me to stand. 

“Does she need to go to the hospital?” Ben asks with concern.

“She’s exhausted,” Lizzy explains.  “She needs food and rest.”

Their voices seem so distant.  I look across the cemetery for Lucas’ grave, and I easily spot it thanks to the blue teddy bear I keep out there.  Standing beside it, I swear that I see Fletcher dressed in his military uniform.  He waves to me, reaches his hand to the side, and a little blond boy runs through the headstones to join him.  Fletcher points in my direction, and waves again.  The little boy looks to see what Fletcher is pointing at, and when he sees me, he smiles and waves frantically.

“Please tell me that you see them.  Please,” I desperately whisper to Ben and Lizzy.

“See who?   Where?” Lizzy asks, looking in the same direction.

“Over there.  Do you see them?  No, they’re leaving.  Don’t go.  Don’t go without me.”

Fletcher and Lucas blow me kisses then gradually disappear as they walk away hand in hand.  I try calling to them, but they don’t stop.

I wake up in a cold sweat and gasping for breath.  It’s the same dream I’ve had every single night since Fletcher’s funeral two weeks before.  My first instinct is to touch his side of the bed.  It’s still empty.  I slide out of bed because I know by now that sleep is futile after having “the dream.”  Clicking on the light in the office, I find Fletcher’s journal.  It’s right where I left it the day I found out he’d died.  I hadn’t had the heart to open it, but it’s time.  The first page I turn to happens to be a bookmarked page dedicated to the day we found each other.

I met a girl today, and there is something very different about her.  We’ve never met in person, but I’m drawn to her.  Today is supposed to be the day that I end it all—the memories, the pain, the suffering.  I called to find out my electric bill balance because I wanted to make sure that I left enough money behind for Julia to pay my outstanding bills.  This woman, she intrigued me so much that I’ve asked her to find me.  Maybe she’ll do it.  I hope she finds me.  I don’t know what it is about her, but she’s special.

I flip to another section.

They were gone for awhile, but now they’re back.  Why do I get no reprieve?  I served my country.  I live a good life.  Why can’t I shake them once and for all?  It’s like I’m destined to relive the torture, hear their laughter ringing in my ears, smell their briny stench for the rest of my life.  I can’t live like that.  I won’t live like that.

I find another entry.

I’m trying so hard to find balance.  Savannah is the woman of my dreams, and I know we can have an amazing life together—if I can just be normal.  I’m going to keep doing my best to keep the demons at bay.  I wish I ruled my life, not them.

I’m so grateful that Savannah’s in school now.  It’s been so exhausting trying to keep the secret day in and day out.

I woke up early this morning, like around three in the morning, and it wasn’t until I was fully awake that I realized I was in the kitchen with a steak knife in my hand.  What was I going to do with it?  Go back in time and kill my captors?  Kill myself?  Kill Savannah?  It’s getting bad, much too bad for me to risk hurting her any worse than I already have.  She says I gave her life.  How tragic would it be if I were the one to accidentally take it from her?  I can’t let that happen.  I won’t let that happen.  I know what I have to do.

I turn to the last entry.

Everything is set.  It’s so much harder keeping this from Savannah than I thought it would be, but I know it has to be done.  The demons have taken over completely.  I used to be able to control them somewhat, but I’m no longer able to fight them.  The nightmares are unbearable.  The constant fear and paranoia rob me of my every happiness.  The blackouts are getting more frequent, and violence comes too easily.  I wish I knew for sure that the center could help me, but I feel in my gut that it will only be a temporary fix to a permanent problem.  I’m too broken, and the pieces shattered into such tiny pieces that even if I were able to be “fixed,” I’d never be right.  There are too many scars.  Too many regrets.  Too many evil memories seared into my brain.  Savannah deserves so much more.  I love her more than my life, and that’s why I feel compelled to sacrifice myself for her happiness.  She’ll hurt because I know without a doubt that her love for me is real and pure, but it’s important that she heal from my passing the same way she healed from the other tragedies in her life.  I envy her strength, I admire her courage, and I adore her passion.  Savannah, if you’re reading this, please promise me that you won’t mourn for too long.  Pick up the pieces, stay positive, continue your schooling, and know that I’m finally at peace.  I’m so tired, Savannah.  So incredibly tired that I can’t bear the thought of having to live in my hell for one more day.  Forgive me for being selfish, my love.  I’m not asking you to understand; I’m asking you to trust that I’m doing what I believe to be in our best interest.  Your love has saved me so many times, you’ve been so incredibly patient with me, and I fear that one day you’ll grow resentful.  You’d swear to me that you won’t, but sweetheart, I feel it will be inevitable.  It might have been five years down the road, ten years down the road, maybe even twenty or more.  How are you going to feel when you look back on your life and realize I’m what held you back?  Savannah, please find happiness, because it’s only through your joy that I will live on.    I love you so much, and I’m so sorry for this.  I wish I could’ve been the man you thought I was-- the man I wanted to be for you.  Thank you for giving me the best years of my life.  I’m yours always.  Fletcher

I close the journal and toss it on the desk.  I can’t understand why I didn’t see it.  Why didn’t I pick up on the warning signs?  Maybe I should’ve had him committed until the bed at the facility came available?  Fletcher would be alive if I had.  I feel laden with guilt and uncertainty.  Fletcher begged me not to feel this way, but it’s impossible not to wonder what might have been.  What if I had told him about the baby?  Would that have been enough to make him change his mind?  My heart aches for him, and my body longs for his touch.  My ears crave the sound of his voice, and my eyes would give anything to see him walk through the door.  The only concrete sense that I have available to me is his smell.  It’s still all around me, so I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. 
Why did you have to leave me, Fletcher?  Why did you have to die?

Though I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, I resolve to follow Fletcher’s final wishes to the best of my ability.  It might not be today, tomorrow, or even months from now, but one day my heart will heal.  It has to for Fletcher’s sake and for the sake of our unborn child.

Fletcher wasn’t there the day I graduated nursing school, but Julia, Henry, and Molly were.  He wasn’t there the day that I got my letter stating I’d passed the state boards, but Julia made sure we celebrated with a nice dinner and a small party.  Fletcher wasn’t there the day I welcomed his son into the world, but Julia was my coach.  He also missed it when his daughter arrived twelve minutes later.  I think the day the twins were born was the first day that I truly began to heal. It’s also the first time I got a sign from Fletcher. 

Not long after the twins were born, an elderly gentleman entered the suite.  He wore dress blues, and said that he was passing out American flags to the veterans when something drew him to my room.  I explained to him that my deceased husband was a war veteran, and he made sure that both of the babies had one of the little flags for their baby books.  Though Fletcher wasn’t there physically when the children were born, I felt him in my heart.  The older gentleman confirmed it for me.

Fletcher Matthew Reilly is every bit the spitting image of his father.  Amelia Rose Reilly has some of his features, but the majority of her characteristics are mine.  It’s difficult being a single mother of newborn twins, so I decide to take a year off before I consider finding a job.  Julia and Molly pitch in as much as they can, with Molly going as far as spending the night or entire weekends with me when she’s free.  We grow incredibly close, and I enjoy watching her grow into a beautiful young woman. 

Julia and Henry marry the day the twins turn nine months.  The fussy duo makes an appearance with the wedding party by fussing so much that I have to hold them, one on each hip, while standing on the altar with the bride and the groom.  Luckily, the guests laugh when the little ones begin a chorus of “dah” and “muh muh muh” back and forth to each other.  They also draw laughter when they vigorously shake their heads back and forth in the “no” fashion, then stop long enough to laugh and point at each other before doing it again.

Mortified, I continually whisper to Julia that I’m sorry, even going so far as offering to leave with the babies, but she insists that we all stay right where we are.  That’s how our family works now.  It isn’t just me and the babies in one family, and Julia, Henry, and Molly in another, we are one big cohesive unit that works well together.  It’s hard to believe that Julia is the same woman who gave me the cold shoulder the first day I met her.  She was simply sister-in-law once upon a time, but now I consider her a sister in every sense of the word. 

Lizzy and I still talk on a regular basis, but she and Ben are so busy with the restaurants that I hardly see her anymore.  Additional stores opened in five more states, so most of our conversations happen while she’s on the road.  She and Ben are incredibly happy even though their life is hectic, and I’m glad that Lizzy has finally found the acceptance she’s always craved.   Her parents have come around somewhat since learning of Ben’s success, but she’s still very cautious around them, and in her words, she sees them in “very small doses.”

As time goes by, I receive more signs.  Most are small; some are huge: a daisy on my doorstep, the babies staring off in a direction where there is nothing to be seen, very vivid dreams.  Those signs are my favorite, yet I despised them at the same time.  I love how real they feel.  I can touch him, smell him, hear him, talk to him.  They also make me incredibly sad afterwards when the realization hits that he’s not with me anymore.  I continue to miss him terribly.

A windfall of signs comes when I take the kids in for their two year old checkups.  The children happily play while we wait to be called to the back.  They’re generally good in the doctor’s office, and the fact that Dr. Gettis is also a young single mother makes her all the more understanding on the days when the twins are cranky or in overdrive.

We’re finally called to the back and waiting in the exam room, when I start fussing at little Fletcher for digging in the drawers.  I’m also asking Amelia to please get up off the floor, and neither one of them wants to listen.  I scoop them up and place them on the exam table then make a temporary barricade with my arms.  They quiet down as I tell the story of
The Three Little Pigs
in as animated a voice as possible.

“…and I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blooooooooow the house in,” I roar.  “Not by the hair of my…”

The door opens, and I’m startled to see Dr. Goodman entering the room.  “Chinny chin chin?” he asks since I remain silent.

“Yes.  Hi,” I say dumbfounded.

“Hi, Savannah.  Who have we here?” he asks, giving each of the toddlers a tummy tickle.  They go nuts.

“Fletcher and Amelia,” I answer.

“They’re precious.  I know that you and Fletcher must be very proud. Congratulations.”

Thankfully enough time has passed that I’m much better at answering Fletcher questions.

“Fletcher passed away not long after we last saw you.”

I can see the shock on Robert’s face. “I’m so sorry.  I had no idea.  What was it?”

“Suicide,” I answer.  That word is still just as hard to say, and most of the time, I have to force it out.

“I’m so sorry to hear that.  Honestly, I’m at a loss for words.”

“Please, don’t be.  It’s been a very long and bumpy road, but we’re doing okay.  These little munchkins keep me pretty busy.”  I make a funny face at them, and they burst into another round of giggles.  “What are you doing here?  It’s like you dropped off of the face of the earth, and now you’re suddenly back.”

“I was offered a job in North Carolina, but it didn’t work out.  After my two year contract was up, I came back here.  I recently bought into this practice, so I don’t have a lot of established patients yet.  Karen, Dr. Gettis, caught some kind of stomach bug and had to go home early, so I’m taking over her patient list for today.”

“Are you still enjoying pediatrics?” I ask.

“Absolutely.  It’s the best decision I’ve ever made.  What about you?”

“I’m embarrassed to say that I’m still not working.  I was going to once the kids turned one, but I couldn’t do it.  Plus, I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with them thanks to the life insurance policy Fletcher had taken out.  I’ll be looking soon, though.  I need to become self-sufficient before the money runs out.”

“Are you going to work in a hospital or in a doctor’s office?” he asks.

“Originally, I wanted to work at a hospital, but now that I have the kids, an office job will offer much better hours.”

“Hmmmm.”  He scratches his forehead.  “I hope I’m not being presumptuous, but I need to hire a nurse for my patients.  I was going to take out an ad in the paper, but since you’re here… would you consider taking the job?  I’ll offer a competitive salary, benefits, free on-site childcare, and maybe a few other perks.”

“Free on-site daycare?  Are you kidding me?”

“Not at all.  Most of the staff here are young, and a few are nursing mothers who need to be accessible for their children’s feeding schedules.  There’s an area in the back with a small kitchen, a snack area, playroom, and a sitter.”

“This can’t be happening,” I say with surprise.

“It is.  Let me finish giving these cuties their checkups, and then you can bring them to the sitter while we discuss it more.  Is that okay?”

“Yes!  Absolutely,” I say, excitement growing by the minute.

They’re given an excellent bill of health, growing and progressing right on schedule.  Afterwards, Robert introduces me to the sitter, who is a lovely middle aged woman with one of the kindest faces I’ve ever seen.  I instantly like her, and the twins take a liking to her, as well.  Once the twins are playing with the other children, Robert and I leave and go to his office.  I take a seat while he shuts the door.  The first thing I notice on his bookshelf is a scuffed up hard hat. 

“I didn’t realize being a pediatrician warrants protective equipment,” I joke while pointing to the shelf. 

He smiles.  “There are days I could probably use it, but no, it was my dad’s.  He was an offshore man for a lot of years, but now he’s living the retired life in Costa Rica with his fifth wife.”

I draw my fingers to my mouth.  “Fifth?”

“Yeah, fifth.  This one’s only five years younger than I am.”

“Wait, what?”
              “Wife number four was thirteen years younger.”

“Wow.”

“He’s always the life of the party,” Robert says in a mildly reproachful tone while shuffling some papers on his desk.  “Anyway, let’s talk about the job.  The hours would be from seven to four on Monday through Thursday, half day on Fridays.  Paid holidays.  The in-house daycare.  Medical and life insurance are provided for you and your family, spouse included if you…”

“No, it’s just me and the kids,” I answer.  He nods.

“I’m thinking we’ll start you off with an hourly wage, and we’ll have a yearly meeting to discuss increases.  Sound fair?”

“Yes.  Absolutely,” I stammer, still in shock over how easily this is all falling into my lap.

“When can you start?” he asks.

“Now wait, I never officially accepted the job,” I tease.

“You’re going to accept it, and you know it, so admit it,” he teases back.

“You don’t know that.  Maybe I’m entertaining other offers.”

“Is that why your face is so lit up right now?  Hmmm?  You’re pondering all the lucrative offers trying to figure out which one is right for you?”

“Maybe,” I say with a smile. 

“Well, why don’t you think about it overnight and get back to me?” He walks around his desk so he can take a seat on the corner closest to me.  In doing so, he knocks over a picture of a beautiful Golden Retriever wearing a collar embellished with a faux gem-centered daisy.

“Awww, you accessorize your dog?”

“It’s only fitting since her name is Daisy.”

“How old is she?”

“She’s knocking on eight.  I got her as a puppy when I was discharged from the army.”

I lean forward in my chair to pick up a picture frame that faces away from me.  A beautiful blonde haired girl with huge blue eyes smiles at me.  “Is this your daughter?  She’s so precious.”

“No, unfortunately I’m not able to have children of my own.  Long story.  Anyway, she’s my niece, Elizabeth, but we call her Lizzy.”  His face lights up.  “Hey, I hope it’s not too much of a faux pas for me to bring this up, but the last time I saw you, you were wearing some sort of princess stuff…”

I’m confused, yet curious as to why he’s bringing it up.  I give a long, drawn out “yes.”

“Maybe you can help me?  Her birthday party is coming up this weekend, and it’s a princess themed party.  I have no clue what to get her.  Can you give me some advice?”

“Sure.  Where are you planning to shop?”

“Can’t I find princess stuff anywhere?”

I laugh.  “You’re such a boy.”

“Thanks for noticing.  If it were a soldier party, she’d be set for life.”  He’s quiet for a few seconds, and I can tell he’s pondering something heavily.  “I have no idea if this is appropriate, inappropriate, or just downright creepy, but do you think maybe you could come with me to pick out some things.  I’d be happy to pay you for your time.”

I laugh.  “It’s fine.  I’ll be happy to help you out, free of charge.”

“If you won’t accept cash, maybe I could repay you with dinner?”

I freeze for a second. 
Am I ready to take this step?
  Robert is incredibly handsome and charming, yet I’m uncertain.
Is it a date?  Is it just a couple of friends picking up where they left off?
 

“Okay, it’s obvious that I messed up.  Is it too soon to ask for a dinner date?  We can cancel dinner if you wish, but will you please still help me with the gift?  I seriously have no clue about princess parties.  If you do, my undying gratitude will be yours always.”

Those last two words seal the deal.  I hear you loud and clear, Fletcher Reilly.  I look at Robert, a huge grin on my face. “Dinner sounds wonderful,” I say with a smile.  “It’s a date.”