Zoey And The Nice Guy (Big Girl Panties #1) (25 page)

“Um, January fourth. Why?”

“I’ll have her out by then. So you guys can come back.”

“Oh, sweetie, you do what you need to do. She’s your mom.”

“I want you guys to come back. My place is closer to town, closer to school and jobs. There’s kids next door. It just makes sense. Plus, I really like having you and the kids, there. I feel like I finally connected with them and I don’t want to lose that.”

Maya surprised her with a hug. “Ow,” she muttered, but kept hugging.

Zoey laughed. “Don’t hurt yourself, crazy.” But she hugged her back.

“You know, if you’d said anything else, I wouldn’t come back. But just knowing you like my kids—we’ll be there. With or without your mom. There’s enough room for all of us. It really is more practical for me. And as I get moving around better, I’ll be able to help out around the house. You’re really the best friend anyone could ever hope to have, Zoey.”

“Oh, crap, why do you gotta go and say shit like that?” The tears sprang up again and the two of them laughed over their crying.
 

They were still laughing when Kellen walked in the door. His arms were full of paper bags full of groceries. He froze when he saw Zoey. He didn’t smile, but he didn’t frown either. He looked more like a caged animal, scoping out the situation, trying to decide whether to be afraid or not.
 

“Uh, hey, Zoey,” he said.

“Hey,” she replied. “Did you want some help with those?”

“Sure,” he said.

She nodded and said, “Okay. Well you’re gonna wanna walk forward about six yards and then hang a left and set them on the kitchen counter.”

He snorted and nearly dropped one of the bags. “Should have figured,” he muttered, as he started walking.
 

Zoey jumped up and caught the bag in the middle that he was about to drop.

“Thanks,” he said.

“No problem.”
 

They deposited the bags on the counter. When Zoey turned around, Maya was nowhere to be seen. Discreetly skittering away, quiet as a mouse. Zoey retreated to the bar side of the counter while Kellen started putting groceries away.
 

“I think Maya’s gonna move back in with me soon,” Zoey said.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It’s more practical for her than living all the way out here.”

“All the way out here? It’s seven miles.”

“Seven miles of bad roads. A fifteen minute drive to you is an extra hour on the school bus to the kids.”

His back was to her as he slid tubs of yogurt into the fridge haphazardly. “Well, she’s welcome here as long as she wants. But if she prefers your place, that’s cool, too.” He turned suddenly and lowered his voice. “I wanna help, too. Financially. And Maya’s real sensitive about that sort of thing, so maybe you could let me give you some grocery money once a week or something? For Maya and the kids?”

This was actually a relief to Zoey. She made a good enough living, but she could already see where the food and personal hygiene needs of three additional people was going to wear on her budget. Even after Maya found a job, she was going to need time to save up money. “That would be great, Kellen, thank you.”

He drew back just a hint. “You’re welcome. Thanks for accepting the offer.” Then he turned around and went back to unloading groceries. “So how are you doing?” he asked.

“Well,” she said. “Tired.” She slipped past him to the fridge, opened it, and lined up his yogurt containers in rows according to flavor.

He nodded and reached up to put some cans on the upper shelf of his pantry. His shirt lifted as he stretched and his jeans hung low, exposing the top edge of his boxers and a strip of well-toned flesh. Zoey broke into a sweat. “How have you been?” she asked, her eyes glued to his abdomen.

When he turned to face her, her eyes snapped back up. He grinned, clearly aware that she was looking. “I’ve been good,” he said. “How’s your mom?”

“She’s a compassionless whore.” She closed the refrigerator and retreated to the other side of the counter.

His eyebrows shot up. “Wow.”

“Yeah. So anyway, hopefully she’ll leave soon.”

He nodded and looked away.
 

Zoey really didn’t want to be the first one to broach the subject, but it was looking like he wasn’t going to. Her nerves couldn’t take any more waiting. “I want to apologize. You were right about the things you said. My fears and insecurities. I mean, my mom doesn’t love me. I’m furious with her. I might even hate her. And yet I give her all my love and take my anger out on the people who truly care about me. So…I wanted you to know that I’m aware of it. I’m working on it.”

He nodded. “That’s real good, Zoey. I think you’ll find yourself a lot happier the more you do.”

She smiled hesitantly. “I was wondering if you and I—“

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me,” he said.

She shut up, stunned that he’d interrupted her.

“I mean about me being a coward and a people-pleaser. You weren’t completely off track. I don’t think I’m necessarily afraid of taking risks or being hurt or whatever. It’s just, growing up, Damon was an unstable mess. My parents did everything in their power just to protect him from the consequences of his own behavior. They made excuses for him. They turned blind eyes. He beat the shit out of me, growing up, and they chalked it up to sibling rivalry. So I did, too.”

He moved to the counter and hopped up, sitting on the edge. He faced her across the kitchen. “I do that now. I try to protect people from the consequences of their own behavior. I try not to let them know they’ve hurt me because I don’t want them to feel bad. I try to make sure they’re never embarrassed or hurt or lonely. It’s not always a bad thing. I think it just keeps people from really seeing me and my needs.”

Zoey nodded. It made sense. He’d really thought it through.
 

“That was what was so great about being with you, Zoey. You rained so much hell down on me that I had to bite back once in a while. It felt good. So I’m grateful to you for that.”

She laughed. “You’re welcome, I guess. It’s a sad testament to our relationship that that’s the thing you walked away with.”

He shrugged. “Even so, I still spent a lot of energy trying to take care of you. There’s just a balance I need to find somehow.”

He was staring off into the middle distance. Zoey watched him for a while, taking in his beauty from head-to-toe. And then, “Kellen?”

“Mm?”

“Do you think you and I could, I don’t know, try again?”

The way he looked at her broke her heart. Broke it the rest of the way, because it had already been fractured when she’d sent him away. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away, having cried enough for a lifetime in just that one day.

“Zoey, let me tell you what I like about you.”

She folded her arms over her chest and arched a brow.

“You’re the hardest working person I know. I admired that even back in school. You worked, what, thirty hours a week and still got straight A’s? Professionally, you have a good reputation. I talk to people who know you as their accountant and they’ve got nothing but positive things to say. You’re an extremely loyal friend. Generous without limit. Loving. Caring. You’re doing great with my niece and nephew. You’re beautiful and strong and smart.”

She stood there blushing more than she’d ever blushed in her life.

“But the rest of it, Zoey—it’s bullshit. This attitude of yours, the tirades, the bullying—it’s bullshit. You’re a grown woman. You’ve succeeded in so many important areas in life. Now it’s time to stop being afraid. Stop being angry. And stop pushing people away.”

“I know,” she said, grateful for this chance to talk to him. “I know, Kellen. I’m going to work so much harder, I swear. I feel like I’ve come out of a haze and I see it all so clearly now. I’m thinking of doing some counseling. I wanna be a better person.”

He smiled. “I’m really glad to hear that.”

She stared up at him, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “So—“

“Zoey, before you and I started doing whatever the hell it was we were doing,” he said, “I had a conversation with Jayce. I told him I wanted someone sweet. Just a nice, sweet girl to cozy up to at night. Someone not crazy.” He winced. “I mean, not that you’re crazy—“

“No, it’s okay,” she said. “I know what you mean.”

He sighed. “Anyway, I think after all of this…that’s what I want.”

“Someone sweet,” Zoey said faintly.

He nodded.
 

Zoey took in a breath and blew it out slowly. Then she stood and smiled up at him through her blurred vision. He hopped off the counter and leaned on the bar, facing her. “I’m sorry, Zoey.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s okay. You’re right. You just can’t handle all of this.” She gestured to herself, trying to make light of the moment, but it didn’t work because the smile he gave her was sad. She’d expected pity, but behind that, there was genuine sadness.
 

“I wish I could. It was good, Zoey. Really good.”

“I thought so, too.” She stepped around the end of the bar, getting closer to him. “Kiss goodbye?” she asked.

His eyes honed in on her lips and he moved toward her. He slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her up against him. Then he kissed her, and she melted into him. That kiss was so righteous, so true, so earth-shattering. Surely this was meant to happen. Surely they should fight for each other.
 

As he pulled back and stepped away, she realized that he didn’t want to fight. He was done. She touched her lips with her fingertips, trying to hold on to the sensation of him. She turned and calmly walked out of the cabin.

Kellen sat across the table from Beverly, whose number he’d gotten from her brother, Rick. The new year had begun, the old one sloughed off like a bad hangover. He rested his chin on his fist and frowned in concentration. She was adorable. From her blond curls to her chirpy voice, she was absolutely sweet. But he wasn’t connecting with a thing she said, and it was taking all his brain power to keep focused on her conversation.

“So you’re a photographer?” she asked.

It took him a moment to process that he’d just been asked a question. He sat up and relaxed the tension in his face. “Yeah. Freelance photojournalist.”

“So, not like taking pictures of people’s babies in a studio?”

“No, not like that.”

“Is it fun?”

“Yeah. I travel a lot. Do you like to travel?”

“Definitely. I mean, when I can afford it.”

The server approached. They were at a steak house in St. Louis, halfway through their meals. “Is everything to your liking?” the server asked.

Kellen looked at Beverly for an answer, but Beverly was looking to him for an answer. So they both laughed and said, “Yes.”

After the server left, Beverly took a sip of her wine. “So, a week, huh?”

“Huh?”
 

“Since you broke up with Zoey, the devil woman.”

“Hey, I never called her that,” Kellen said, though he couldn’t help but laugh.

“Rick does. So…a week. That’s not too soon to be dating?”

He shrugged. “It really wasn’t a full-blown relationship. I mean, the feelings went deep, but the whole thing was a flash in the pan. I felt like I’d been picked up by a tornado, spun around violently for a couple weeks, and then dropped off in the middle of nowhere.”

This time, she was the one with her chin on her fist, listening. “Sounds intense.”

“It was awful. And wonderful. And then awful. But no, a week is plenty. I’m over her.”

“It wasn’t love, then?”

He took a sip of his beer to give himself a moment. He forced out the words, “No. Not love.”

She laughed. “That’s convincing.”

He didn’t want to be a bad date to this girl, but her questions were making him very uncomfortable. “You know, maybe we could change the subject. What about you? Ever been in love?”

She blinked a moment. “Um, okay. Yeah, I think I was in love back in high school. But, you know, I’m sure it’s different as an adult—“

She kept talking, and he found his mind wandering to those kisses he’d shared with Zoey, to the silent communication, the kind of communication that worked between them. On a physical and spiritual level, their relationship had actually been functional. “You know, if it weren’t for her goddamn mouth, we might have been able to work something out.”

Silence.
 

He looked up and realized he’d interrupted her. She stared at him in shock.
 

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “You’d asked about love, and I got to thinking about all the things we didn’t say to each other.”

Her smile was wry. “That can be a challenge in a relationship. Reading between the words.”

“Yeah, no shit.” He leaned back in the booth and frowned down at his half-eaten steak. “She could just be such an out-of-control bitch, but the moment I kissed her, she gave up. She just gave herself up to me. Let me have control. It was—I gotta say, it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Just holding her in my arms and looking into her eyes, knowing I put that satisfied smile on her face.” He shook his head, wondering what it all meant.

“Could you talk to her at all? Or was it only the physical stuff that worked?”

“No, we talked. We had some good conversations. She’s actually really funny and fun. And, I mean, I could cut loose with her. I could snap back a little and she wouldn’t get offended. I could be myself and not worry about hurting her. God knows if I did something she didn’t like, she’d just flip me off or something. It’s nice to be with someone who can deal with her own emotions. You don’t have to worry about making sure you didn’t offend her or whatever because she’ll let you know. No guessing games.”

“What went wrong, then?”

“It was that. The flipping me off thing. She’d get angry about other things and take them out on me and then tell me I should be strong enough to put up with it.”

“She wasn’t holding up her end of the relationship.”
 

He snapped his fingers and met her eyes. “Exactly. See? You get it.” And then it hit him. He gaped at her and leaned forward. “Bev, I am so sorry. I am being a horrible date. Let’s go back to talking about you. What did you say you did for a living?”