Zombie Bums from Uranus (13 page)

The air was thick with smoke by the time they finally made it to the crater they had seen from the roof of the bum-mobile. It seemed much bigger up close. It was at least twenty metres in diameter. Whatever had created it was obviously very large and very heavy.

‘Wait here,' said James, taking a roll of double-strength four-ply reinforced toilet tissue and tying it around his waist.

‘What are you going to do?' said Judi.

‘I'm going to go as close to the edge as I can and see if I can get a look at whatever it is that's down there,' said James.

‘Be careful, James,' said Judi. ‘It's very slippery.'

‘I know,' he said, handing her the toilet roll. ‘Hold on to this.'

Judi took the toilet roll and attached it to the lockable toilet roll holder on her suit.

Holding on to the other end, James waded as close as he dared to the edge of the crater and peered down into the smoking hole.

Despite the smoke and the darkness, he could see flames a long, long way below him.

‘What can you see?' said Judi, through his earpiece.

‘I'm not sure,' said James. ‘Something's on fire—I can't see it because there's too much smoke. Although, judging by the smell, it's obviously animal in origin.'

‘But that's ridiculous,' said Judi. ‘What sort of animal flies through space and crashes into planets?'

‘I . . . I . . . don't know,' said James, who was beginning to feel strangely dizzy. Whether it was from the extreme height or the smoke or the stench he couldn't be sure, but it took every bit of concentration and willpower that he could muster to stop himself from falling forwards.

‘Are you feeling all right, James?' said Judi.

‘Yes,' he lied. ‘I'm fine.'

‘Why don't you take some photos with the infra-brown camera?' said Judi, taking it out of her suit. ‘That should cut through the smoke and give us a much better look at whatever's down there.'

Judi threw the camera across to James. But her throw was slightly too high.

James lunged to catch the camera as it sailed over his shoulder.

He caught it, but as he landed he failed to take into account the fact that he was four times as heavy as he was on Earth. He staggered backwards.

Judi saw him disappear over the edge of the crater.

She screamed into her headset.

‘Hey! Quit it!' said James. ‘That hurts!'

‘James?' said Judi.

‘I'm okay,' said James. ‘I haven't fallen far. But I'm going to need your help to get back up.'

‘All right,' said Judi, cautiously approaching the edge of the crater.

She reached the place where James had been standing and looked over the edge. James was a metre below, hugging the inside wall of the crater.

‘Give me your hand,' he said.

Judi leaned forward as far as she could, but still couldn't quite reach James's hand.

‘Great!' said James. ‘Just a little bit more!'

She leaned forward a little bit more . . .

. . . and a little bit more

. . . and just a tiny little bit more

. . . and

. . . finally the tips of her fingers touched the tips of James's fingers.

She leaned forward just a little bit more . . .

and then . . .

just a little too far.

She felt herself tumbling forwards, but there was nothing she could do to stop herself.

James grabbed her hand but the weight of her
falling body ripped him from his precarious grip on the side of the crater and they both tumbled headlong down into its murky depths.

James and Judi fell for a long time.

But they didn't die.

Now, normally, falling into a very deep hole on top of a burning unidentified alien life form on a planet two-and-a-half billion kilometres away from Earth on the far side of the solar system would mean certain death for even the boldest and bravest bum-fighters in the world.

But not James and Judi Freeman.

Falling into a very deep hole on top of a burning unidentified alien life form on a planet two-and-a-half billion kilometres away from Earth on the far side of the solar system was just another day at the office for them.

They were tough. They were also extremely lucky.

They landed in a warm spongy crevasse. They were wedged in pretty tightly but after much struggling they managed to pull themselves out.

‘Phew,' said James, lying on his back. ‘That was lucky!'

‘That all depends on your definition of “lucky”,' said Judi, opening her eyes and looking at the leaping flames all around them.

‘Well,' said James, ‘we're not dead, are we?'

‘Not yet,' said Judi.

She reached for the portable fire extinguisher she carried on her belt and began spraying.

Gradually the flames gave way to great clouds of hissing steam.

‘I can't believe you brought a fire extinguisher!' said James.

‘A good bum-fighter is always prepared!' said Judi.

James shook his head in admiration. ‘What do you think it is?' he said.

The object they were standing on seemed to be divided into two main sections by the huge crevasse they'd just crawled out of.

Judi knelt and examined the burnt surface. ‘It's definitely animal,' she said.

‘Do you think it's alive?' said James.

‘Only just,' she said.

James rubbed his chin. He studied the crevasse and the two large mounds on either side. ‘You know,' he said. ‘If I didn't know better, I'd say we were standing on top of an enormous bum.'

‘But that's ridiculous,' said Judi. ‘There's only one bum in the world this big . . .'

‘Yes,' said James, ‘The Great White Bum! But this bum is definitely not white.'

‘Hang on a minute,' said Judi. She peeled away a blackened layer of charcoal to reveal a blinding white patch of flesh underneath. It was so white it glowed, as if lit from within.

It was so bright that both James and Judi had to shield their eyes.

‘It
is
the Great White Bum!' said James, shaking his head.

‘But what's it doing out here?' said Judi.

‘Remember that book,
Chariots of the Bums
by Eric von Dunnycan?' said James. ‘The one where he postulated that the Great White Bum was a space traveller?'

Judi snorted. ‘That load of rubbish! What about it?'

‘Maybe it wasn't such a load of rubbish after all,' said James. ‘Maybe he was right. There's a lot we don't know about the Great White Bum.'

They were both amazed and silent as they let the possibility that they were standing on top of the Great White Bum sink in.

Judi slammed her fist into her hand. ‘Of course! We should have known that the Great White Bum was behind the reanimation of the Uranusian bums!'

‘Maybe, maybe not,' said James, deep in thought. ‘Incredible as it seems, it might have been purely accidental.'

‘How do you mean?' said Judi.

‘Well,' said James, ‘it's had a run-in with something. Obviously something very powerful. Something that caused it to catch on fire and fly through space, and then—by total fluke, bad luck or both—crash into a planet full of methane, and create an explosion so intense and so smelly that it brought the dead to life again. Now call me stupid if you like, but isn't that a possibility?'

‘Yes, it's possible,' Judi consented. ‘But the
real
question is, how do we finish it off?'

‘I don't think we need to,' said James. ‘There's nothing we can do to it that hasn't been done already. It may not have long to live. I say we get out of here, fill in the hole and erect a monument.'

‘I agree,' said Judi. ‘But let's skip the monument.'

‘Okey dokey,' said James.

‘Just one question,' said Judi.

‘What's that?' said James.

‘How do we get out of a very deep hole with slippery sides with no handholds on a planet two-and-a-half billion kilometres away from Earth on the far side of the solar system where we weigh four times our normal weight?'

‘I've got no idea,' said James, shrugging. ‘I was hoping you could tell me.'

M
eanwhile, on the other side of the solar system, Eleanor, Zack and Gran were speeding into a fiery red sunrise towards the Bum-fighters' Retirement Home.

‘Red sky at night, bum-fighter's delight,' said Gran as she peered over the top of her glasses. ‘Red sky in the morning . . . bum-fighter's warning.'

‘You don't really believe that nonsense, do you?' said Eleanor.

‘Believe it?' said Gran. ‘I'll have you know, I made that “nonsense” up!'

Eleanor clapped her hand to her forehead. ‘Of course,' she said, ‘I should have known.'

‘When you've been fighting bums for as long as I have,' said Gran, ‘you notice things. After a hard day's bum-fighting, the redness in the sky at night is caused by the refraction of the sun's rays through the huge amount of gas emitted by slaughtered bums.'

‘The death stink,' said Zack, remembering the Great White Bum's outpouring in the bumcano.

‘Yes,' said Gran, ‘that's right. And that's good. But redness in the morning is
not
good. The gas should have cleared by then. Redness in the morning can mean only one thing. That bums have been active all night—plotting, scheming and marshalling their forces.'

Eleanor and Zack looked at each other and nodded. Now that it had been explained, it made perfect sense.

‘Watch out!' said Gran. ‘Bum to starboard!'

Eleanor looked to her right and caught a glimpse of a zombie bum flying towards them. She tried to take evasive action, but was too late. The zombie bum splattered against the windscreen, leaving a blue-black smear on the glass.

‘I hate that!' said Eleanor, reaching for the windscreen flusher. She flicked it a few times and cursed again. ‘And this windscreen flusher sucks!'

‘Language!' said Gran.

‘How am I supposed to fly the bum-mobile if the windscreen flusher is broken?' said Eleanor.

Gran shook her head. ‘In the old days,' she said, ‘we didn't have windscreen flushers! We had to get out and wipe them clean with our sleeves.' Eleanor rolled her eyes. ‘If we were lucky enough to have a windscreen, that is,' said Gran, ignoring her. ‘Or sleeves for that matter. There was no protective bum-fighting gear in those days, you know, and certainly no specialised bum-fighting weapons. You were lucky if you had a sharp stick and a raincoat. But it made us inventive. We had to be resourceful. But nowadays . . . you kids don't know how easy you've got it.'

‘Maybe we've got better equipment,' said Eleanor, through gritted teeth, ‘but nowadays the bums are meaner and more dangerous.'

Gran stared at Eleanor, a wild look in her eyes. ‘Are you trying to tell me that Bumzilla wasn't mean?' she said. ‘And are you trying to tell me that the Abuminable Brownman wasn't dangerous? I've pinched bums that would make your nostril hairs stand on end, soldier. I've pinched bums that would make your nostril hairs take fright and run away. I've pinched bums that would make your nostril hairs commit nostril-hairicide rather than endure the pong emanating from these beasts! You ought to be thankful that I finished them off before you were born!'

‘If you were so brave,' said Eleanor, ‘then why didn't you get rid of the Great White Bum before it had a chance to kill my mother?'

‘I'm sorry,' said Gran, putting her hand on Eleanor's shoulder. ‘I'm not infallible. If I could go back in time and kill that monster I would. But we didn't realise just how powerful—or how evil—it was back then. In those days it was just one of many.'

‘Look out!' said Zack. Two zombie bums were flying directly towards them.

‘Zack?' said Eleanor, wiping her eyes. ‘What's happening?'

But Zack had already grabbed the wheel.