Zombie Bums from Uranus (29 page)

At that moment Zack's bum—who tended to get bored at formal occasions—did a long loud fart.

‘Looks like you could use a hand whipping this bum into shape,' laughed Eleanor, wiping a tear from her own eye.

‘Lay a finger on me and I'll blast you from here to Uranus!' said Zack's bum.

‘Language!' said Zack, smiling.

THE END

There are many theories about what happens to matter when it is sucked inside a brown hole, but the truth is most of the theories are just that. Theories. All that can be said for sure is that there is a very strong possibility that the forces inside a brown hole are powerful enough to form wormholes in the fabric of the univarse—wormholes powerful enough to allow vast interstellar distances to be travelled in the blink of an eye, or even, perhaps, powerful enough to permit time travel.

from
The Origins of the Univarse
by Sir Roger Francis Rectum, Smellbourne University Press, 2002

Abuminable Brownman
The older, browner and much smellier brother of the
Abominable Snowman.

Abominable Snowman
The younger, whiter and much less smelly brother of the
Abuminable Brownman.

Anti-bum energy bars
Favourite food of
bum-fighters.
They inhibit the sense of smell and contain massive amounts of protein for extra smacking, kicking, kissing, flicking, pinching and forking power.

Atomic bum
Just like an atomic bomb, except browner. And smellier. And MUCH more dangerous. Not to be approached—unless you are a qualified atomic bum
disposal expert, in which case you should dismantle and dispose of thoughtfully in the nearest rubbish bin.

Atomic Pinch
A pinch delivered to a bum, or bums, that has been compressed to bursting point.

Blind Bum-feeler, The
A person with the power to ‘read' bums and reveal amazing—but frequently mystifying—information about the past, present and future.

Botswana
African country. Scene of the Great Bum Uprising of '98 in which the Kisser was bumnapped and switched allegiances to the bums. See also
the Netherlands, Bumbay, Smellbourne, the Moon, Uranus.

Brown holes
Very similar to black holes except brown. They are formed when vast interstellar bums run out of gas and collapse under the power of their own repulsive stench, which reverses itself and endows the newly formed brown holes with the power to suck anything and everything into themselves. Nobody knows what happens to matter sucked into a brown hole, but there is a strong possibility that the forces inside a brown hole are strong enough to form wormholes in the fabric of the univarse—wormholes powerful enough to allow vast interstellar distances to be travelled in the blink of an eye or even, perhaps, to permit time travel.

B-Team, The
A crack bum-fighting unit made up of
the Kicker, the Smacker
and
the Kisser.

Bumbardment
A bombardment consisting exclusively of bums. Avoid if possible but, if caught, seek nearest bum shelter.

Bumbay
Very similar to Bombay in India except browner. And smellier. Avoid visiting if at all possible. See also
the Netherlands, Botswana, Smellbourne, the Moon, Uranus.

Bum-blitz
Ground, sea or air attack by two or more bums.

Bumcano
An extinct volcano colonised by bums. Avoid.

Bumcatcher
Person employed by the local council to catch lost or runaway bums.

Bumergency
An emergency situation created by bums.

Bum-fighter
Any individual engaged in bum-resistance, either in a paid or voluntary capacity.

Bum-fighting simulator
Virtual-reality machine invented by Silas Sterne to simulate a wide range of bum-fighting environments and challenges used for training rookie bum-fighters. The simulator is so powerful that the user forgets they are in a simulated environment and actually believes that they are fighting bums.

Bum-fighters' retirement home
See
retired bum-fighters' rest home.

Bum-gun
All purpose, anti-bum weapon. Fires a wide variety of ammunition, including drawing pins, staples and rusty nails.

Bum hunter
A bum-warrior who has given up regular bum-fighting in order to concentrate his or her energies on hunting big game bums. This occupation is so fraught with danger that only a few of the bravest, most talented and smartest bum hunters survive.

Bum Hunters' Hall of Fame
A museum dedicated to preserving and honouring the exploits of great
bum hunters
and
bum-fighters
.

Bumination
Domination of a place—or entire planet—by bums.

Bum-mobile
Multi-purpose all-terrain bum-fighting vehicle.

Bumnapped
To be kidnapped by bums.

Bumnappers
Bums that bumnap.

Bumoculars
A device which employs
infra-brown
technology to allow a viewer to see bums at a great distance.

Bumper Book of Bums, The
The definitive work on bums, much favoured by bum-fighters. As well as being a general reference guide containing many useful facts about bums, it also has a full selection of bum hunting maps, bum identification charts, sections on how to defend yourself against bums, how to catch and tame feral bums, how to hunt big bums and how to stock a bum-hunting arsenal.

Bum-piranha
A carnivorous bum-fish found in shallow areas of the Sea of Bums and simulated rivers.

Bumpoline
A trampoline formed by using the natural sponginess of buttocks.

Bumquakes
Just like an earthquake, only wobblier. And smellier.

Bumvasion
Invasion of a place—or entire planet—by bums.

Bumzilla
Enormous fire-farting bum fond of destroying large cities and fighting other enormous fire-farting bums.

Crapalanche
Just like an avalanche except crappier. And browner. And smellier.

E-mission
Task or project undertaken by a
bum-fighter.
Not to be confused with ‘emission' which is something else entirely (see ‘
fart
').

E-mission control
Main command centre for coordinating all bum-fighting E-missions.

Fart
A small—or large—cloud of gas.

FBBI
Federal Bureau of Bum Intelligence.

Flicker, The
Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of towel-to-bum combat. Member of the world's first bum-fighting team,
Mabel's Angels.

Fluffy pink toilet seat cover
Fluffy pink cover for covering toilet seats. Absolutely irresistible to bums. Also handy as an emergency crash helmet.

Forker, The
Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of fork-to-bum combat. Member of the the world's first bum-fighting team,
Mabel's Angels
.

FORKTASTIC!
An exclamation used to express great joy when a fork hits its target, usually a bum.

Giant mutant blowfly
Adult form of giant mutant maggot.

Giant mutant zombie blowfly
Adult form of giant mutant maggot that has feasted on zombie bums. These blowflies are virtually indestructible and should be avoided if possible.

Great White Bum, The
A rogue bum regarded by many as the most evil bum in the
univarse
. There are many theories about its origins. Some believe it to be a mutant bum created as a side-effect of nuclear testing in the Pacific. Eric von Dunnycan, in his book ‘Chariots of the Bums', claimed that the Great White Bum was a space traveller who arrived on Earth thousands of years ago. Others believe the Great White Bum has been around for even longer and that it dates back 150 million years to the age of the dinosaurs.

Hokey pokey
A really stupid dance, but quite good for amusing small children. Also good for sending
zombie bums
into a mysterious trance that enables you to pretty much lead them anywhere. To be generally avoided unless you are a small child—or a parent desperately trying to amuse a small child—or your town is about to be overrun by zombie bums.

Homebrand toilet paper
A paper product consisting of a series of perforated squares rolled around a cardboard tube. Used for smoothing the rough edges off timber, sanding down benches and torturing bums. See also
toilet paper.

Infra-brown
Generating, using, or sensitive to the wavelength of infra-brown radiation.

Infra-brown camera
A device which employs
infra-brown
technology to allow a viewer to photograph bums that would otherwise be invisible to the naked eye.

Kicker, The
Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of foot-to-bum combat. Member of the famous
B-team.

Kisser, The
Exceptionally charming bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of lip-to-bum combat. Brainwashed by bums in
Botswana,
he became a bum sympathiser and attempted to kill the other members of the
B-team.
Last seen being dragged down into a deadly brown lake by giant maggots inside a
bumcano
.

K-TEL three-six-zero PT-XR fourteen thousand and two point five HRH triple turbo automatic multi-speed bum-splitter/dicer and slicer
Prototype of the ‘multi-function' bum-gun. Also juices but this is best avoided as the attachment is very difficult to clean.

Mabel's Angels
The world's first bum-fighting team, consisting of
the Flicker, the Forker
and, founding member, Mabel Freeman,
the Pincher.

Mabeltown
Large country town named in honour of Mabel Freeman in recognition of her efforts as the founding member of
Mabel's Angels,
credited with inventing modern bum-fighting.

Maggotorium
Enormous underground chamber. The cold, dark and moist conditions provide ideal conditions for maggots, Maggot Lords, mutant maggots, Mutant Maggot Lords and a range of other lowdown scum-sucking parasites.

Mega-fork
An exceptionally large fork formed by assembling many smaller forks. Warning: assembly not recommended for children under six without adult supervision.

Methane madness
Delirium caused by exposure to high levels of methane. May cause hallucinations, visions, aggression, sudden mood swings, headaches and vomiting. Can be relieved with pure oxygen.

Moon
That big white thing you see up in the sky at night. Also used to describe the act of revealing one's buttocks unexpectedly for the purposes of shock or amusement.

Mutant maggots
Larval stage of giant blowflies that have become abnormally large as a result of prolonged exposure to the toxic environment inside a
bumcano.

Mutant Maggot Lord, The
An exceptionally charming human being who, despite having his physical form mutated beyond recognition as a result of prolonged exposure to the extreme toxicity of a brown lake inside a bumcano, retains his persuasive powers.

Mutant zombie maggots
Larval stage of giant blowflies that have become abnormally large as a result of prolonged exposure to the toxic environment inside a
bumcano
as well as being
zombie-bummified
from the inside as a result of feasting on
zombie bums.
Virtually indestructible, completely uncharmable and totally resistant to the power of the
hokey pokey.

Nailgun Series 9000
A popular bum-gun that fires high-velocity nails at its target (usually a bum). The 9000 series was notable for the innovation of using rusty nails capable of delivering a shot of tetanus as well as intense pain.

Netherlands, The
A remote country in the vast, unchartered wilderness known as the Nether Regions. Often confused with Holland. See also
Bumbay, Botswana, Smellbourne, the Moon, Uranus.

Nostril-hairicide
A rare condition in which one's nostril hairs terminate themselves, usually in response to a particularly repugnant or overwhelming smell.