03_A Family To Call Her Own (29 page)

As she traveled the short distance to Zach’s apartment, she tried to sort through the jumble of incoherent thoughts racing through her mind. What had happened to Josef? Did Isabel know yet? What would become of the little girl now? She was scheduled to go home in less than a week. And how was Zach coping with the news? He sounded bad on the phone. Shocked. Shattered. Lost. Which wasn’t surprising. Josef was his best friend. Closer than a brother, he’d once told her. He must be consumed with grief and pain. Rebecca pressed harder on the accelerator. She had to get to him as quickly as possible!
Lord, please help us through this!
she prayed desperately.

Zach was obviously watching for her, because the minute she pulled up he flung open the door. She jumped out of the car and dashed toward him, catching only a quick glance of his grief-ravaged face before he took her hand and pulled her inside. He pushed the door shut with his foot, then silently buried his face in her shoulder, holding her against him so tightly she could hardly breathe. She felt a shudder run through him, and the sound of his ragged breathing made her eyes flood with tears yet again.

For a long time neither spoke. Zach seemed to need the tactile reassurance, the solace, that only her arms could provide. And so she just held him, stroking his back, feeling his desolation as if it was her own.

When at last he drew back, he left one hand resting at her waist while he wiped the back of the other across his eyes. Rebecca was so used to Zach’s rock-solid strength and confidence that it tore at her heart to see him so vulnerable and devastated. She reached up to lay a hand against his cheek.

“Zach, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her eyes echoing the pain in his.

“Me, too.” His voice still sounded choked, and he shook his head. “He was such a good man. The kind the world needs more of. Caring, compassionate, committed. And now…” His words trailed off and he looked down at her helplessly. “Why did this have to happen?”

She tried to think of something to say that would comfort, but nothing came to mind. In the end, she just shook her head. “I don’t know,” she admitted, her voice breaking.

He sighed, then took her hand and drew her to the couch, pulling her down beside him.

“Have you told Isabel?” she asked.

He shook his head. “No. She’s been asleep for hours, and I only got the message about twenty minutes ago. She’s one of the reasons I asked you to come over. I hoped that together we could think of a way to tell her. Besides, I just needed you with me. When I got that message, it was like…like I had to reassure myself that the other person I care most about in the world was okay. I just needed to touch you,” he said with simple candor as he squeezed her hand.

Rebecca looked at him wonderingly. That was the closest Zach had ever come to revealing the depth of his feelings for her. Was he saying that he…that he loved her? He hadn’t used those words, yet what else could he mean? But her feelings, and their relationship, were a low priority at the moment. She would deal with them later. For now, there were other questions to be asked, decisions to be made.

“Do you know what happened, Zach?” she asked gently.

He nodded. “Josef apparently asked a colleague named Stefan to notify me if—” He drew a shaky breath, unable to say the words. “Stefan said that Josef was working late at their makeshift office, and that a bomb went off. He was…killed instantly.”

Rebecca shut her eyes and tried to swallow past the lump in her throat. Never before had she been so closely touched by the horror of senseless violence that resulted in the loss of life. A tear trickled down her cheek, and she felt Zach reach over and gently brush it away.

“Oh, Zach, it’s so awful!” she whispered, opening her eyes to gaze with shock into his.

“Yeah.” He drew a shaky breath, obviously fighting back his own tears, and nodded toward the coffee table. “I got that out of the closet, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to open it.”

Rebecca glanced toward the large envelope addressed in Josef’s hand to Zach. It was the one that Josef had carefully packed in Isabel’s luggage, with instructions to open it only if something like this happened. She looked back at Zach and took his hand.

“Maybe it will be easier if we do it together,” she said quietly.

He hesitated, then leaned forward and picked up the manila envelope. With one quick motion he slit open the edge and slid the contents, which were held together with a large rubber band, onto his lap. He pulled Rebecca close, and together they scanned the letter on top.

My dear Zachary,

If you are reading this letter, it is because I have been called home to the Lord. Please do not grieve for me, my friend. I am happy now, at peace, and I am once more with my beloved Katrina. All is well with me.

It is Isabel, not me, who needs your sympathy now. In recent weeks, it has become clear to me that without her mother or me here to watch over her, my country will be an inhospitable place for her. It is filled with strife and terror, and while I still believe that things will change, I am resigned that it will not happen during her youth. So there is no life here, no future, for my precious child.

Therefore, Zachary, it is my final wish that Isabel remain in America, the country of her birth, which was always so good to me. I do not expect you to take on the responsibility of raising her. I would not stretch the bounds of our friendship that far. But I do ask that you find her a good and loving home. I have great faith that you will do your best to make sure she is happy and loved.

In this envelope you will find all of the necessary papers—records of Isabel’s birth and baptism, of my marriage to Katrina and of her death, as well as letters from my family and my minister, concurring with my decision. Very soon Stefan will send you a record of my death as well. Should you need to obtain any other records or letters, he has agreed to assist you. I have enclosed his address.

I have also included some things that Isabel may find of interest later. Letters her mother and I wrote to each other, photos of her relatives and the house where we lived, some pages from my journal. I believe it is important that she make a new life in America, but it is also important for her to remember her roots.

My dear Zachary, you have my deepest gratitude for all you have already done for Isabel. I hope you will forgive me for placing this one last obligation on you.

But I do so, believing that the bond we share will make my request less burdensome. You are my brother in everything but blood, my friend. And I could not have chosen a finer man to fill that role.

I know that this is a difficult time for you. Separation is always painful. But please do not grieve too deeply. I have had a good, full life. I have done satisfying, worthwhile work. I have known the great joy of fatherhood. And I have loved—and been loved—by a woman beyond compare. No man can ask for more.

So farewell, Zachary, until we meet again. And know that you will always be in my prayers.

They finished reading the note at the same time, and Rebecca raised her eyes to his in silence, her face a mask of grief. She watched him swallow convulsively, saw the glimmer of unshed tears in his red-rimmed eyes, found her own cheeks suddenly damp once again.

“He was a very special man, wasn’t he?” she said softly, her voice uneven.

“Yeah.” He swallowed again and looked down at the letter once more. “I respected Josef more than any man I’ve ever met. I know he accepted this possibility, made his peace with it. But I—I’ll miss him. And so will Isabel. Dear God, how will we ever tell her that not only is her father gone, but now she has no home to return to?” he asked, his voice anguished.

The idea came to Rebecca suddenly, taking her momentarily off guard. Yet she knew instantly that it was right. She’d always wanted a husband and a family. The husband part still seemed like a long shot. But now, out of the blue, she was being offered the opportunity for a family, the chance to share her life with a child who desperately needed someone to love her.

“Zach.”

He turned to her, then tilted his head curiously at the odd expression on her face. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, I know this might sound a little off the wall, but…well…Isabel
does
have a home, because…because I’d like to take her,” she said impulsively. “I know a single-parent household isn’t ideal, but I promise I’ll give her enough love to make up for it.”

Zach looked into Rebecca’s eyes—sincere, warm, loving, compassionate, generous—and his heart overflowed with love for this special woman who cared so deeply and gave of herself so freely. He couldn’t have made it through this night without her. And he didn’t want to face even one more day until he had her assurance that she would be with him always.

Zach knew the present setting wasn’t ideal, nor were the circumstances. But suddenly he knew that this was the right moment to ask the question that would fundamentally affect all of their lives. He reached for her hand, cocooning it snugly between his palms, and drew a deep breath.

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be a single-parent household,” he told her softly.

She stared at him uncomprehendingly. “What do you mean?”

His lips tilted up into a rueful smile. It shouldn’t surprise him that she failed to understand his meaning, he supposed. After all, he’d never told her that he loved her. But he intended to remedy that right now.

“Wait here.” He rose and walked over to the desk chair, reached into the pocket of the sports coat draped on the back, and removed something Rebecca couldn’t see. When he turned back to her, he held a small box in his hand, and he flipped open the lid as he sat down to reveal a solitaire nestled on a bed of dark blue velvet. “This is what I mean, Rebecca,” he said huskily as he held it out to her. “Will you marry me?”

Rebecca looked from the ring to Zach’s face, then back again to the ring. Was this a mirage, a dream? Zach had never even said he loved her and now…now he was asking her to become his wife? She transferred her gaze back to his face. “Are…are you serious?”

“I’ve never been more serious in my life. I planned to ask you on our picnic tomorrow, but suddenly the timing seems right.”

“But…but I thought you were leaving. What about the job in Washington? You never said anything about…about love. I’m not even sure I’m wife material, Zach. I—I’m defective merchandise.” Her words were disjointed, an almost incoherent jumble of thoughts.

He set the ring carefully on the coffee table and then turned to her, his eyes compelling, intense. He grasped her shoulders firmly but gently, so that she couldn’t turn away.

“Let’s deal with those issues one at a time, okay? First, I’m not leaving. At least, I’m not if you agree to marry me. I was offered a permanent teaching job at the high school, which I’d like to accept. Second, I’ll admit that the Washington offer was flattering. And a year ago I would have jumped at it. But since then I’ve found something even better. I found a satisfying job here, a life-style that suits me and, most important, a woman I love.”

He paused for a moment and searched her eyes. “I haven’t told you that before, Rebecca, because I was afraid of scaring you off. I know how you feel about intimacy. I know it frightens you. But as for being wife material, I can’t think of anyone who would make a better partner. And don’t ever say you’re defective merchandise,” he told her fiercely, his eyes burning into hers. “You’re the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met. You’re compassionate and caring and warm and sensitive and kind and intelligent…not to mention drop-dead gorgeous. I know that the passion you’re so afraid of is there, locked away in your heart, but yearning to be set free. I’m not afraid that you lack passion, Rebecca. My only fear is that I’ll be overwhelmed by it when it’s set free.”

A warm, glowing elation spread through her as she listened to his words. She believed everything he said, unable to argue with the honesty she saw in his eyes. At least, she believed
he
believed it. And maybe he was right. Maybe she did have an abundance of passion. But she wasn’t as convinced as he seemed to be that she would ever find a way to fully express it.

“Zach, I…I want to say yes. But I’m so afraid I’ll…disappoint you,” she admitted artlessly, her voice faltering.

“Rebecca, I have only one expectation if you agree to marry me,” he told her firmly. “That you love me with all your heart—and for all time.”

She felt her throat tighten with emotion. “Oh, Zach, I do! I love you more than words can express! I have for a long time.”

His eyes filled with warmth and tenderness—and immense relief. “Then there’s no problem,” he said easily. “The rest will come in time.”

“How can you be so sure?” she persisted. “I’ve lived with this fear for so long. It won’t go away overnight, Zach.”

“I don’t expect it to.”

“But…what if…if it never does?”

“Rebecca…” He sighed and took her hand. “I’ve finally reached the point in my life where I understand what Josef knew all along. Love is the only thing that really matters in the end. I love you. I want to spend my life with you. The physical side of marriage is important. I won’t deny that. But it’s only a very small part of our life together. Most of the time it’s just the everyday living, the sharing of small joys and sorrows—enjoying the first flower of spring, taking a long walk, even cleaning the house and shopping for groceries. In other words, just being there for each other in a thousand small ways. It’s the everyday living that makes a marriage endure and grow stronger as the years pass.”

Rebecca blinked back her tears, overcome with gratitude for the gift of love being offered to her by this wonderful, insightful, caring man. Marriage was a huge step, requiring a tremendous leap of faith on both their parts, given her background. But if Zach was willing, if he truly believed they could overcome her problem, how could she say no? He was offering her the life she’d always wanted, and she’d be a fool to walk away out of fear. She would just have to put her trust in him—and in the Lord—and take that leap.