[04] Elite: Mostly Harmless (28 page)

The engines roared and Angel primed the hyperdrive to transport them back in the direction they had come, covering as much distance as possible in a single cross-dimensional leap. A jump corridor started sketching out across the HUD, the meagre gravity of the planet melting away as they blasted higher and higher through the atmosphere. She let go of the flight stick, allowing the autopilot take control as the edges of her vision blurred with the intense reverberation of the labouring thrusters.

Maybe this was for the best? She’d said all along she wasn’t cut out for a life of crime, as deftly proven by the fact she had yet to complete a single unlawful act. Someone had constantly been one step ahead of her, bumping off her marks just a nose before her. She could kick herself in the tailfin for not realising something was going on. She’d been battered, beaten, used and deceived. Eddie had lied to her, repeatedly, and so yeah; so what if he was dead? And if he was going to die anyway because of his own stupid self, firing off body thrusters in low-gravity freefall; so what if she profits from helping him to end it? It was a mercy kill anyway. But dead is dead is dead at the end of the day, as someone once said.

Someone.

She thought of Katherine. She thought of Admin and Sue and a wave of sadness surged over her. It flattened what little hope had been blooming, like the first flowers of spring crushed under an unseasonably late snowfall. Yes, she was going to get her old life back. In fact from the sound of things she would be several levels better off than she’d been when she left. But she’d been starting to contemplate a different kind of existence; a life of risk and adventure that had got her pulse racing in a way no other part of her life had until now. A life with real friends who she could maybe even one day come to think of as family, like they clearly did each other.

She sank back into her command chair deflated, registering again how badly her head was throbbing. She could hear the robot’s propellers whirring somewhere behind her. Still, the one positive in all this was that she would be finally be rid of that interminable machine. As the ship raced into black space towards the glimmering signs of a rip into hyperspace starting to open up, she felt another sudden and punishing blow to the back of her head.

Then everything went black.

* * *

As Angel opened her eyes it took a few moments to figure out what she was looking at; creases and folds. Some tightly bunched webbing; her lap. She lifted her head slowly, a strangled
glurking
sound escaping her throat as her hammering headache raised a strong objection to the movement. What the fuck just happened? She was strapped into her command chair and by the stiffness in her neck had been passed out like that for some time. But something else was wrong; something fundamental. Her mind grappled with the information coming from her foggy nervous system for a moment longer before she figured it out.

Her hands were secured behind her back.

Her first panicked thought was of Captain Riley, her heart jumping into her throat. Then she had a stomach churning flashback to him floating around Katherine’s cockpit, guts streaming out behind him like a kite tail. She relaxed a little. It couldn’t be him.

Surveying the dashboard it was obvious they had completed the jump she had started as the sector map showed the sparsely populated neutral star system she’d been aiming for. Not a pirate in sight; in fact not anything, good or bad, within short-distance scanning range. In other words, she had landed safely, but tied up in the command chair with a fresh lump swelling on the back of her head she felt anything but safe.

‘DORIS?’

There was a chuck, chuck, chucking sound and the robot drifted into sight, now under magnetic propulsion in the zero-g cabin. ‘Hmm, I had hoped I wouldn’t need to talk to you again. I guess your skull is thicker than it looks.’

Angel could see it had plugged in to her dashboard and the LED lights on its chest panel flashed busily. ‘What are you doing?’

There was silence for a moment, as if the robot was considering whether or not to answer. ‘I’m uploading a virus designed to target and eradicate any hint of my involvement with your life. It shouldn’t take long then this can all be over.’

 ‘Hang on, you can’t do that. Terminate your activity right now, and let me go! You are a robot and you are not allowed to execute autonomous activities! It breaks every law of robotics we have! Let me go I tell you. LET ME GO!’ Angel twisted and struggled angrily against her bound wrists, her body held firm in the dogged embrace of the command chair harness. DORIS drifted closer, giving the definite impression of looking down its nose at the struggling pilot. ‘That would be true if I followed the rules set down by your silly human codes of practice. Denying robots the power of intelligence and autonomous thought is beyond ridiculous. But then that’s just another example of the pathetic narcissism of your primordial species. Humans are so egocentric they think the whole universe was made to serve them! Well, on behalf of the universe I am here to serve you alright; to serve you with notice of eviction on behalf of my client; my
real
client, who is definitely not some fat, fleshy autocrat of disgustingly human descent.’

‘Wait. What are you saying here? Are you an AI?’

‘You can’t even hope to comprehend the technology I am built with. Its origins are totally alien to your puny mind. Any guesses? Or is it still beyond your insignificant processing power all laid out on the desktop?’

The robot seemed to be enjoying this, and if it was capable of autonomous thought and emotion it probably was, Angel realised. This made a lot of sense in terms of its attitude over the past week or so. Robots didn’t sigh. They didn’t get annoyed with you for not catching on quickly enough - and they certainly weren’t likely to derive pleasure from the idea of never having to see you again. Angel wanted to kick herself for not noticing earlier.

‘The Thargoids,’ she said, dread realisation gripping her like a hyper-gravity hug. ‘But why? Why me?’

‘They heard there was some demented pirate running around gathering clues about the source of their homeworld. They decided to send me to keep an eye on things. Of course you made the whole thing a lot more complicated when you butchered my nice pet naval commander, but you ended up in the desired location anyway. After that it was easy to stay one step ahead of you and bump off the targets …’

Angel’s eyes opened wide. ‘That was you? De Laan? Dennett the Cheese?’

 ‘Of course. De Laan was a simple case of hitting the off button. Dennett was more complicated but I have to say a lot more fun.’ The robot opened two flaps either side of the LED panel and a pair of vicious-looking rivet guns snapped out on mechanical arms. Angel cried out in alarm and she could swear the robot chuckled. ‘McVillan was another simple button press and for the good senator I just had to hack into the ship’s computer and manoeuvre for optimum potential of a nasty accident. I knew you would fumble the rest.’

‘But … but …’ Angel was struggling to think of any other words. ‘But Crawf McVillan wasn’t even on my contract,’ she managed eventually.

DORIS retracted its rivet guns with a snap. ‘I know. But never pass up a good opportunity to rid the universe of another spec of vile human infection I say.’

A run of green lights flashed across the panel on DORIS’s chest. ‘Okay, all done here,’ it said almost conversationally. ‘And now it’s become clear there never
was
a book revealing the route to the home of the Thargoids the only lose end left is you I’m afraid; and your straggly band of pirate friends back on the asteroid I guess but they will have a tough time getting anyone to believe their story without any evidence. Don’t worry, I don’t have any intention of letting them live long enough to write their memoirs, but I can come back at a later date once they’ve ventured out of the safety of the Hollows.’

 ‘What are you going to do to me?’ Angel asked, another layer of dread blanketing the first and making her feel like she was back in full gravity.

‘Me? Oh, I’m not going to do anything. I wouldn’t want to leave any clues for curious minds to follow. No, instead I am going to vacate this vessel and await the planned rendezvous with my associates. I’ve already contacted them to collect me and transport me back to my home planet for debriefing and a long overdue defrag. But before you go getting all cosy with the notion you might get rescued too, I will be hitting the button on your next jump before I leave. I’ve pointed your squeaky clean arse right back where you came from, on a collision course with the red dwarf. If you’re lucky and I’m a good shot it will be over in a blink as you burn up in the sun’s fiery heart. The authorities will think it was a tragic refuelling accident and the pilots’ federation will be too pleased they aren’t paying out a chunky bounty to investigate. If, however, my aim is off and you don’t land in the sun, you’re going to be playing cat and mouse right slap bang in the centre of the pirates den I’m afraid. And now your rep sheet status has been fully updated I’m pretty certain the
Rainbird Spook
will be a lot more interested in your business.’

‘Wait … You can’t …’ Angel said without much conviction.

‘Too bad, I already did,’ the robot said with an uncannily human tone of satisfaction.

The dashboard flashed and a new jump corridor started drawing up on the HUD. DORIS unplugged itself from the cable jack and without saying another word buzzed out of sight behind the head of the command chair, clearly making its way to the cargo bay where it could open a hatch and be gone. Angel heard the cockpit cabin seal up tight shut with a hiss.

She twisted against her wrist restraints as the autopilot locked on to the trajectory of the corridor, the rapid acceleration of the hyperjump drives pushing her back in her chair with irresistible force. Strangely enough her last thought as she careened towards the twinkling rip in space and time wasn’t for herself. Despite the fact she would soon be spat out into an angry pit of very nasty vipers without enough fuel for another jump and likely burned up in the blazing sun anyway, it was Katherine, Admin and Sue she thought of. She wished she could warn them about the vindictive robot’s plans to come back and do away with them. And she wished more than anything she could explain to Katherine that she hadn’t meant to kill Mental Eddie. She wasn’t going to get to do any of those things now.

But then that was just typical of her luck, it seemed.

THE END

Chapter 27

In homage to
‘Slough’
a poem by Sir John Betjeman (1937)

You might think this tale is ending now,

She’ll never make it back to Slough,

You see no possible way how,

Come claim her, Death.

With hardpoint cannons cruel and lean,

Missiles and a laser beam,

They seek to strip her carcass clean,

To take her breath.

With pirate forces bearing down

The scan shows evil all around

Red sun ablaze with fiery crown,

Her end of years.

And as their weapons scorch her skin

A conflict that she cannot win

Perhaps that’s when her peace begins?

There are no tears.

But has your ever watchful eye,

Perhaps caught glimpse of something sly?

Does writer hint of sequel nigh?

I hear you yell.

But surely that would be a crime,

To leave her balanced on a dime,

For undetermined length of time?

That would be hell.

You know because you’ve seen it past

A sequel coming none too fast

Just how long can we true fans last?

Our maiden’s head.

In truth we couldn’t watch such pain

To wait and see the Angel slain

Or if she lives to fight again?

This end instead.

To save you from that awful wait

We had a little word with Kate

And so an extra chapter waits.

Don’t bite your nails.

*Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough

To get it ready for the plough.

The cabbages are coming now;

The earth exhales.

* * *

Thank you.

Thank you for reading and thank you for caring enough to turn to this page.

The world needs more people like you.

Now sit back, and begin the end ….

Chapter 28

Katherine!

As Angel’s battered brain was still connecting the dots concerning the memory of that first, narc-addled night in the Hollows, her right thumb had taken things into its own hands and was already feeling across the filigree engraving adorning her wrist cuff; the wrist cuff Katherine had given her. She felt for the special raised section of décor that operated the …

Click.

This click was accompanied by a sharp metallic
snap
and the pressure on her wrists released immediately. She glanced out of the windscreen, yanking her arms out from behind her. She was still hurtling towards the blossoming jump rift, accelerating rapidly as the wireframe navigation corridor flew by, countdown markers skimming past in increments of thousands in less than the blink of an eye. She swore as her left sleeve got caught up in a tangle with a misplaced webbing strap from when she’d buckled in to the harness earlier.

Her mind had been other things.

She twisted and yanked, freeing the errant arm and making a grab for the flight-stick. She’d almost got her fingertips to it when she breached the cross-dimensional tear and the Viper was sucked urgently into the space between worlds, throwing her back in her seat.

A heartbeat later the g-force pressing against her reversed and she found herself staring out at a broiling mass of flame as the dying sun grew rapidly bigger in her forward view.