1 Catered to Death (2 page)

I felt my eyebrows go up toward my hairline as I tried to think of an appropriate response but couldn’t come up with anything other than a weak “Oh?”

Jack must have caught the surprised look on my face. “Don’t mind me. I’m well aware of the fact that it isn’t very nice to trash a colleague to a relative stranger—even a good looking relative stranger like you—but I can’t help myself when it comes to Claudine. The two of us have a love/hate relationship. I love her and she hates me.” He laughed loudly.

“I see,” I responded because I had to say something, although I didn’t really see at all because it didn’t sound like Jack Mulholland liked Claudine in the least, much less loved her.

“No, I doubt you do but that’s OK. Just be glad that you’re only here for lunch and feel sorry for the rest of us who are stuck with Queen Claudine and her creep of a king all day long. The ‘lounge’ is at the top of the stairs. Follow me.” Jack began climbing the steps, breathing heavily as we moved upwards on a staircase that seemed more like a very steep ladder. “What are you serving today? Rocks? These things weigh a ton.”

“Oh, a lot of different things,” I said, feeling somewhat breathless myself as I followed Jack up the steps. Glancing around, I noted that Eden Academy was looking a little down on its heels. The terrazzo floor looked as if it hadn’t been mopped in ages and there were marks and fingerprints on walls that were painted a depressing shade of slate grey and little piles of dust in the corners of each step. But in spite of the rundown feeling, the school had still retained its basic good bone structure, like a high fashion model who had gotten a bit beat-up looking with the passage of time but had held onto a remnant of her beauty. “What a great old building,” I remarked as we neared the first floor. “Steve would love to see this.”

“Steve?” Jack asked.

“My husband. He’s an architect buff.”

Jack stopped. “Your husband’s name is Steve and your name is Dee Dee? Like Steve and Eydie?”

“Yes.” Ever since we started dating, people have taken great joy in pointing out how close Steve’s and my name are to the famous singing couple of the 1960s. I didn’t mind. I think Steve Lawrence is adorable and I love Eydie Gorme. Besides, I’d much rather be compared to Steve and Eydie than, say, Bonnie and Clyde.

“That’s priceless. Maybe you’ll sing for us after you serve the food. Steve and DeeDee. Now I’ve heard everything.” Jack started climbing up the steps again. “Why are you catering lunch today, Dee Dee?” he questioned. “Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but it isn’t often that we get a catered meal around here.”

 
“I was told that the lunch is in honor of the teacher who’s retiring. I’m afraid I didn’t get a name.”

We had reached the lounge. Opening the door with an old-fashioned skeleton key that he removed from a thick gold chain hanging around his neck, Jack frowned. “The only one who’s old enough to retire around here is Junebug but I hadn’t heard that she’d finally decided to call it a day. So Claudine is actually springing for a lunch for the old bag? Well, why not? We all know she’s happy to see her go.”

“Um, why is that?” I ventured.

“Most of us are smart enough to let Claudine think she’s the world’s foremost expert on everything from the mating habits of anteaters to how to make the perfect Sex on the Beach but not Junebug. Junebug never quite figured out that if you want to be left alone at Eden Academy, let Claudine think she’s our answer to Mensa, which I kind of suppose she is. She is smart—just not as smart as she thinks she is. No one’s that smart.”

“Junebug. What an unusual name,” I said.

“It’s a nickname,” Jack explained as he set the containers down. “She told me about it once. Her real name is Hazel or Myrtle or something like that but apparently her parents called her Junebug because she jumped around so much as a kid. Still does. Probably a classic ADHD case but they didn’t have labels like that back when Junebug was growing up.” Jack smirked. “I don’t know if they had electricity back in those days.”

I set the containers I was holding down on the square table that filled the center area of the staff lounge. “Thank you for your help,” I said to Jack.

“Want me to unload the rest of your van? I’m free right now.”

I accepted his offer immediately. “That would be great! Would you mind?” If Jack finished getting the food and supplies, I could start setting up the room.”

“I wouldn’t offer if I minded,” Jack told me. “I’ll be back in a flash. If the rest of your food smells as good as the boxes I carried in for you now, this lunch is going to be fantastic.”

After he was gone, I shrugged off my coat and placed it in a corner. Then I pushed up the sleeves of my cardigan and took a long look around the room. Like the hallways outside, the faculty lounge at Eden Academy had a neglected, dusty look to it. The floor obviously hadn’t been swept in awhile and the garbage can next to the door was perilously close to overflowing. Along one wall, a row of windows in dire need of washing overlooked the town square and on the opposite wall was a whiteboard filled with a list of names written and followed by what looked like chores that needed to be completed.

I poked around in a closet and found a broom and some trash bags along with a can of furniture polish and a clean rag. Five minutes later, the room looked and smelled much better and I could start setting the table. First, I spread the white embroidered tablecloth I’d brought with me over the freshly polished table and set a vase of sprays of berries in the center as a centerpiece. I decided that I’d put the food out on a side table under the row of windows.

My nerves were settling down. This wasn’t hard. As a matter of fact, it was quite enjoyable. I’m a thoroughly domestic creature who loves to cook and entertain. I also like to clean and decorate so as a caterer I was getting to do everything I enjoyed and best of all I was going to get paid for it.

“Man, you’ve already done a number in here.” Jack Mulholland returned with the rest of the containers from the van. “It looks great!”

 
“Thank you. It does look nice, doesn’t it?”

“I’ll say. As you might have noticed, keeping things nice and tidy isn’t too high on anyone’s priority list around here. I wish we could put you on the staff full-time.”

Oh, yes. This was way better than working at the book store where compliments came about as often as blizzards in July. “Thanks again.”

“What time are we eating?”

“One o’clock.”

Jack raised his arm and looked at a watch anchored to his wrist with an enormous leather band that was straight out of 1972. “Great. Just half an hour to go. I’m starving.” He turned to go but I stopped him with one more question before he got out the door.

“Do you know where I could find Claudine? I should probably check in with her since she’s the one who hired me.”

Jack gave a fake shudder from the doorway, a move that made his well padded midsection shimmy like a gigantic bowl of Jell-O. “Don’t say her name when I’m not wearing a string of garlic around my neck. I let you get away with it before but twice in ten minutes is too much for me.”

I laughed a little uneasily. I assumed Jack was kidding but it was hard to tell. “Do you know where she is?”

“Check the freezer. She’s probably taking a nap in the icemaker. If she’s not there, check the workroom in the basement. She might be sharpening her fangs with one of the files we keep down there.”

I tried to smile. “You’re scaring me.” He was, too. Claudine had sounded frightening over the phone and the image Jack was painting of her was pretty close to what I’d pictured during our conversation.

“And rightly so,” Jack replied. “That one’s got an icicle inside of her where her heart’s supposed to be––like the Grinch. Just pretend you like her so she pays you. She’s been known to hold a grudge if she senses that people aren’t giving her the homage she thinks is her due.” Chuckling to himself, Jack backed out of the room. “I’ll see you at one, pretty lady. Until we meet again.”

Jack vanished, leaving me alone and unnerved. I hoped he was teasing about Claudine but he didn’t seem to be. Well, even if she was as scary as Count Dracula, it didn’t really matter to me. I had a job to do. I began to set the table. As I worked, I kept looking toward the doorway, expecting Claudine to come in and say hello at any moment. Claudine was most likely a very proper older woman who was used to having things done the way she wanted them done. That was also probably what irritated Jack Mulholland so much. The man practically had
free spirit
all but tattooed across his forehead. But as the clock continued to tick and Claudine didn’t appear, I began questioning myself. Had I showed up on the right day? Jack hadn’t known about the lunch. Maybe I’d gotten the time or the date wrong. And if I did, how on earth were Steve and I ever going to be able to finish two enormous seafood casseroles before they went bad?

I refused to psyche myself out. Claudine had said Friday the eighth and that was today. I carefully folded the white damask napkins that had been a wedding present and put one at each place setting, glancing repeatedly toward the door but it remained empty. After I set the last napkin in place, I walked over to one of my coolers to get the herb butter so it would have time to soften up before the lunch. Everything was going perfectly except for the fact that no one seemed to know or care that I was at the school.

“How’s it going?” a low voice suddenly asked from the doorway, making me jump a good six inches into the air and almost causing me to drop the herb butter on top of my brand new right sneaker.

Chapter Two

“My goodness, you startled me.” I put a hand to my chest and tried not to look like I was going to pass out. An extremely attractive man stood in front of me, his arms crossed across his chest as he leaned against the frame of the door. He was dressed in khaki slacks and a light blue V-neck cashmere sweater with the sleeves pushed up. He was wearing the sweater alone without a shirt or T-shirt under it, a look that was both sophisticated and oddly macho on him. He had piercing green-blue eyes, a head of thick silver hair and a slim athletic build with very broad shoulders. I guessed that he was a few years older than me, somewhere in his middle fifties. It was easy to see that in his prime this man had been very good looking in a Burt Reynolds, lady killer kind of way. He was still quite handsome and looked nothing at all like any teacher I had ever had when I was in high school. All the male teachers I’d had were paunchy and constantly harassed looking. This man looked like he wouldn’t know the meaning of harassed.

“Sorry I scared you,” he said but his eyes told me that, on the contrary, he wasn’t sorry in the least. If anything, my jumping up into the air when he said ‘hello’ had amused him quite a bit.

“That’s all right. It’s good for my heart to have a shock every so often. I’m DeeDee Pearson. I’m the caterer.”

The man straightened up and stepped forward into the faculty lounge with one hand extended, fingers spread in an open, friendly style that reminded me of someone running for public office. “Frank Ubermann. Director of Eden Academy.”

So he wasn’t a teacher; he was the boss. “I’m pleased to meet you, Mr. Ubermann.”

“Frank, please. And I’ll call you DeeDee, if that’s all right. Such a cute name. It suits you.” Frank Ubermann’s blue-green eyes twinkled at me and I felt my cheeks turn red.

“Thank you. It’s short for Denise.”

“I like DeeDee better. I’ve heard through the grapevine that you’re going to be serving up a gourmet meal for all of us today.”

“That’s my goal,” I told him. I was about to add that I was a little nervous because this was my very first catering job but I caught myself in the nick of time. There was no point in advertising that I was a newbie. As a matter of fact, I’d way prefer it if Frank and the rest of the staff saw me as an old hand in the catering game. After all, no one wants to eat a meal prepared by somebody who’s still wet behind the ears.

“So you’re here to give Junebug a fitting send off?” Frank’s voice was deep and velvety, like a late night disc jockey’s.

“Yes, I understand that she’s retiring.”

“And not a moment too soon,” Frank said dryly.

I looked at the food I had spread out. “It’s too late now but I suppose I should have brought a cake for dessert since this is a retirement party but I made triple chocolate brownies instead.”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. Junebug will be grateful that we’re doing anything for her. We really aren’t too big on celebrating at Eden Academy. Christmas, Valentine’s, Easter—I’m not a fan of any holidays.”

Wow. How could anyone not be a fan of Christmas? To each his own, I supposed. “How long has Junebug been teaching?” I politely asked.

“At Eden Academy for about ten years. Before that, who knows? She’s one of those ageless types.” Frank dropped his voice so that it was even lower. I had to lean over to hear what he was saying. “Between you, me and those brownies you just mentioned, it’s about time she hit the dusty trail, if you know what I mean.” He tapped a silver temple. “Not fully loaded anymore. Sad, really.”

“That is sad,” I agreed.

“I hope that when my time comes, I’ll have the good sense—not to mention the good taste—to leave gracefully. Personally I can’t wait to retire.”

 
“It does sound nice—provided you can afford to.”

“Money is always the kicker, isn’t it? Have you been catering for a long time? I’ve never heard of your company before.”

“Actually,” I began a little reluctantly. I have an annoyingly wide honest streak so I was about to tell Frank that he was my very first customer but before I could get started we were interrupted by the arrival of a tall, thin redhead entering the lounge.

“I see you found us.” The redhead nodded coolly at Frank as she walked toward me. “I’m Claudine Markham. You must be the caterer.”

“Yes. I’m DeeDee Pearson.” I tried not to stare but Claudine Markham didn’t look at all like what I had expected. Instead of the prim and proper school marm type that she sounded like over the telephone, Claudine was dressed quite seductively. She had on black leggings and a long, low cut black sweater that was so tight that it could have easily passed for a skin rash. What appeared to be five thousand thin gold bracelets covered her spindly arms and the black boots she was wearing had the highest, skinniest heels I’d ever seen. Her makeup was heavy and her hair was thick and curly like someone who sang backup in a metal band. As she came closer to me, I couldn’t help but shiver. It felt like a draft had entered the room along with Claudine and I remember what Jack Mulholland had said about Claudine having an icicle where her heart should be. “It’s nice to meet you,” I told her.

“It’s a pleasure meeting you too. I’m very pleased that you were able to help us out on such short notice. Junebug’s retirement announcement came as something as a surprise to all of us and I wasn’t sure if we’d be able to do anything for the dear woman.” Behind her, Frank coughed softly. Claudine ignored him. “Let me fill you in on the agenda. We plan on having a brief ceremony for Junebug where we’ll give her a token gift. Then we’ll eat. I imagine we should be ready to eat by one-fifteen if that works for you.”

“That works perfectly for me,” I said. “I planned a meal that doesn’t have to be served promptly at one just in case there were any late arrivals.”

“What ‘token gift’?” Frank asked. “We’re paying for a catered meal for Junebug. You didn’t say anything about buying the old bat something too. I want to make it clear right now that I’m not kicking in for it.”

Claudine looked pained. “Frank, it’s customary to give long-time employees some kind of going away present. In the old days it was usually a gold watch. I assure you that I haven’t been nearly that extravagant.”

“Those ‘old days’ happened when the economy was rolling and people had money to spare on sentiment. Claudine, you’re on the finance committee. You know how strapped we are for money right now.”

Claudine spoke through gritted teeth. “We didn’t get her a new car, Frank. Our gift to Junebug is quite small. Tasteful, but small. And not expensive.”

I wanted to disappear but since that wasn’t an option, I began refolding the napkins I’d already folded although it didn’t really matter what I was doing since neither Frank nor Claudine seemed to remember that I was in the same room as them.

“What’s your idea of ‘not expensive’?” Frank demanded. “Under fifty bucks?”

“Under ten,” Claudine said between gritted teeth. “As a matter of fact, it hardly cost us a thing. I found something perfectly lovely at the Hospital Volunteers’ Thrift Shop. Junebug will never know where it came from and I know she’ll adore it.”

“She won’t even remember you gave her
anything
tomorrow morning. I really wish you’d knock all this la de da crap off. You’re the only one who cares about it, Claudine, and we both know it’s just all for show.”

Claudine turned to me. “What do you think, DeeDee? Aren’t presents customary at retirement parties?”

“Yes, usually,” I said.

“See?” Claudine asked triumphantly. “I bet DeeDee’s been to hundreds of retirement parties so she knows what she’s talking about.”

Since I had attended many retirement parties—although not catered them—I didn’t correct Claudine. Besides, she was right; presents to the retiree were customary. It was hard to believe that someone as seemingly sophisticated as Frank Ubermann didn’t know that.

“Well,
I
think it’s stupid!” Frank said in an annoyed tone of voice.

“And
I
think it’s in good form!” Claudine snapped back.

Frank looked disgusted. “What is wrong with you? You’ve been itching to get rid of Junebug for years and now you’re acting like we’re having a send off for your own mother to San Quentin.”

 
“Frank, there’s no need to use that tone with me,” Claudine said sharply. “I’m not your secretary, remember. I have a master’s degree—”

“Spare me your resume. Everyone in the entire town of Kemper knows that you have a master’s degree. My
dog
knows that you have a master’s degree! And I’m not using any ‘tone’ with you. I’m simply trying to point out that you’re blowing things out of proportion, as usual.”

“I am
not
blowing anything out of proportion,” Claudine said, her own voice getting louder in response to Frank’s. Glancing in my direction, she caught herself. “Really, Frank, squabbling like children in front of the help. What’s DeeDee going to think of us?”

“If she has any sense at all, she’ll think I’m right and you’re an idiot.”

Claudine didn’t seem insulted, which impressed me. “Oh, Frank. How you run on. Now let’s leave DeeDee alone so she can finish getting set up,” Claudine said. “I have some school matters to discuss with you.
 
I’m sure Dee will excuse us.”

“Of course,” I quickly assured her. I couldn’t wait for the two of them to leave.

“Now? It’s almost time to eat and I’m starving.”

“
Now
,” Claudine intoned. “These are things that can’t be put off, as much as you might want to. Someone has to make sure things are running smoothly at Eden Academy and once again, it looks as if the ball has landed in my court.”

“What are you talking about? I’m the one who keeps this boat afloat and we all know it.”

Claudine sighed deeply. “I’d say we’re both responsible for running Eden Academy. Now will you please come with me, Frank? These are matters that simply will not wait.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Frank roll his eyes toward the ceiling and then pull them back down to glare at Claudine. “Will you excuse us, DeeDee?” Frank asked. “Is there anything you need?”

“I’m fine,” I told him. I smiled politely at both of them and watched with a huge sense of relief as they made their way for the door. Claudine walked out of the room first with Frank close behind her. They were almost gone when I saw Frank’s hand graze Claudine’s backside in a familiar manner, cupping her bottom with a quick, intimate move that seemed quite practiced. I continued to watch, half expecting someone as seemingly hostile as Claudine to either turn around and bite him or start beating him over the head with her gold bracelets. But Claudine didn’t seem to respond to Frank’s touch at all other than to put the slightest hint of a wiggle into her walk and I could have sworn she arched her fanny upwards so that he could get a better feel.

A second later, Claudine and Frank vanished from sight, their voices low and hushed as they walked down the hallway.

I was confused. The two of them had been grousing at each other like a pair of grumpy old men and yet Frank seemed to know his way around Claudine’s legging-covered fanny quite well. It didn’t make sense. Had they just been acting like they didn’t like each other in front of me, their audience? Why would either of them care what the caterer thought? I had the strong feeling that I wouldn’t want to work at Eden Academy full-time. The school’s employees were a little strange.

I went back to my preparations, reminding myself that so far I’d only met three of the people who worked at the school. Surely some of the employees at Eden Academy had to be pleasant and normal.

Time would quickly prove me wrong on that one.

“Seafood casserole! How marvelous! I could smell it all the way from my office down the hall! It smelled exactly like the waterfront when there’s a dead fish rotting in the sun.”

I looked up from the salad I was tossing. A plump woman with shiny platinum hair entered the faculty lounge. Like Claudine, she had on very high heels along with a bright neon green wrap dress that didn’t quite close over her large breasts. She was what my mother would have called ‘flashy’ and what Steve’s mother would have termed ‘trampy.’

“I adore seafood casserole,” the blonde announced. “Everyone says I make it better than anyone.” She looked at me as if she expected an argument.

“I’ll have to get your recipe,” I said. “I’m always on the look out for new recipes.”

The blonde shook her head. “Sorry, but it’s an old family secret. The Webbers never give out recipes and we never sleep with anyone on the first date.” Seeing what I’m sure was a shocked expression on my face, the blonde laughed loudly. “Just joking, sweetie. Of course I’ve slept with people on the first date. I’m Monica Webber.”