1 Catered to Death (4 page)

“I’m fine,” Claudine snapped.

“I don’t care for your iced tea,” Monica informed her. “I prefer sweet tea.”

I forced myself to move on although the conversation between Claudine, Monica and Frank was definitely the most interesting one happening in the room. Next I paused behind Jack Mulholland and Emily. “More coffee?” I asked. “Iced tea? Iced water?”

“Don’t you have anything stronger?” Jack questioned..

“Sorry,” I replied. “Nothing with any kind of a kick.”

Jack sighed. “Okay, I’ll take some more coffee.” Leaning back, Jack stretched his thick hair covered arms up into the air, a move that made him look a lot like an orangutan. I had never seen such furry, muscular arms on a human being.

“How about you?” I asked the woman sitting next to Jack.

“I’d love some more iced tea. It’s delicious. I’m Emily Abbott, by the way. No one’s bothered to introduce us.”

I smiled at Emily. Emily looked nice, like the kind of girl I’d like my son Tyler to date. She also looked completely out of place with the rest of the teachers, the way a lamb might with a group of jackals. “I’m DeeDee Pearson.”

“And her husband’s name is Steve,” Jack added. “Isn’t that great? Steve and DeeDee—just like Steve and Eydie.”

Emily looked confused. “Who are Steve and Eydie?”

“Ah, youth,” Jack said. “Never mind. Emily is our student teacher this year,” Jack explained. “We hit the jackpot with her.”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Emily replied modestly. “I have a lot to learn.”

“You’re the best, babe, and you know it.” Jack looked impatiently toward the door. “Geez, when is Junebug going to show up? I’m starving and I want to eat. Can’t we start without her?”

“Jack, this party is for Junebug. No, we can’t start without her. Just relax, she’ll be here soon,” Emily chided. “It takes people longer to walk down the hall when they get to be her age.”

“That’s why I don’t plan on getting old,” Jack announced. “As soon as I hit seventy I’m going to go on the Jack Mulholland Old Age Special plan.”

“What’s that?” Emily asked.

“I’m going to eat every single meal at a buffet. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I’m going to eat about five thousand calories a day and I’m going to take up smoking again. Plus I’m going to drink around the clock. I figure it will knock me off within a few months.”

“That’s horrible!” Emily said. “You’ll have a heart attack or a stroke!”

“And die fast with any luck at all. It beats the hell out of ending up in one of those places where they feed you gluey oatmeal, make you talk about your bowel movements all the time and force you to participate in bingo tournaments. Now
that
sounds horrible to me.”

“You won’t see seventy,” Frank said to Jack, joining the conversation from his end of the table. “You don’t need to start eating at buffets. You already have an unhealthy lifestyle and some very bad habits.”

Jack obviously didn’t appreciate Frank’s input. “Look who’s talking,” Jack replied.

“I have a very healthy lifestyle.” Frank patted his flat stomach. “I’m not carrying around an extra ounce of flab unlike some people.”

“You can look healthy but still be rotten on the inside,” Jack shot back. “Happens all the time. Joggers, marathoners, people like that
look
fine but they drop dead for no apparent reason. The doctor does an autopsy and it turns out that they are filled with bile. That’s what will probably happen with you.”

“Highly unlikely, Jack.”

“You never know,” Jack said darkly. “When was the last time you had a check up, Frankie?”

“Last month and I’m in tip top shape. My doctor actually said that I’m an exceptional specimen,” Frank said.

“Undoubtedly because of the excessive amount of exercise you get,” Jack said, looking from Monica to Claudine knowingly.

“Good for the heart, Jack. You might want to try to get more ‘exercise’ too,” Frank replied. “If you can find anyone willing to spot you, that is.”

“Now children,” Simpson said, “try to get along with each other. This is supposed to be a celebration.”

“When I want your opinion, Simpson, you’ll know,” Frank informed him.

“And that will be a cold day in hell, won’t it?” Simpson looked in DeeDee’s direction beseechingly. “Are we ever going to eat? Some of us have plans for the afternoon.”

“You know,” Emily said thoughtfully, “There’s always the possibility that Junebug forgot about this lunch.”

“How could she forget?” Claudine demanded. “This lunch is for her! It’s in her honor.”

“Well, she does seem to be getting a little…senile lately.”

“Now, Emily, be nice,” Jack said. “She’s not senile; she’s probably pickled. You know how Junebug likes to have a shot of vodka in her OJ every morning followed by a healthy splash of Jack Daniels on her corn flakes.”

Emily laughed. “You’re terrible.”

Although I hadn’t yet met Junebug, I felt sorry for her. Unless Junebug was a complete nincompoop, she’d have to know how her fellow teachers felt about her and that they were all happy to see her go. I glanced discreetly at my watch. It was almost one-twenty. Where
was
Junebug?

The door to the faculty lounge flew open. Everyone’s head turned to see the latest arrival. Standing in the doorway was a tiny white haired woman wearing blue jeans, a red and yellow plaid Western style shirt with green piping and the smallest red cowboy boots I had ever seen. They looked like something out of a toy catalog. My eyes dropped to the newcomer’s waist, half expecting to see a leather holster and a pair of pearl handled pistols but instead the woman was wearing a rope in place of a belt, a rope that was probably all of twenty-five inches long. Hands planted on her hips, she surveyed the small group clustered around the table. “The party can start,” she said in a voice that was vaguely reminiscent of vintage Bette Davis. “Junebug’s here and you can all start to cheer.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes.
This
was Junebug, the one they all couldn’t wait to get rid of? She looked as harmless as a fly.

Chapter Three

“Junebug!” Claudine got to her feet and walked toward the older woman. When she reached her, she bent over and gave her an awkward hug. Junebug responded by twisting out of Claudine’s hold. “Don’t do that! You know I hate being touched by strangers. I hate being touched period!”

“It’s just that I’m so happy you’re finally here. I was wondering when you’d get here.”

Junebug strode to the table, her legs slightly bowed like she’d just gotten off a miniature pony. “How in hell would I have gotten here any sooner when I didn’t even know there was a luncheon going on today? In my honor, I might add.”

“I did send you an email,” Claudine pointed out.

“You know I don’t know how to open my email. If Ruth hadn’t mentioned the party to me on my way out, I would have gone home and missed my own birthday bash.”

Simpson caught my eye and made a slight twirling gesture next to his forehead. “
Looney tunes,”
he mouthed. I ignored him.

“You’re here now, aren’t you?” Frank asked after exchanging glances with Claudine. “Sit down already so we can get this show on the road.”

“Where am I supposed to sit? The two best seats are already taken. You know I like to sit next to you, Frank.” Junebug became even more Bette Davis-like, playing a coy Baby Jane.

“For crying out loud, Junebug, you’re a big girl. Sit wherever you want to,” Jack told her.

“Well, if I can’t sit next to Frank, I’ll sit next to this handsome young man instead.” Junebug sat down next to Simpson, completing the circle around the table. Glancing across from her, she nodded at Monica. “I’m surprised to see you here, Monica. I thought this was just for teachers, not any of the office staff.”

“Congratulations, Junebug,” Monica said through tight lips.

Junebug blinked at her. “Congratulations for what?”

“Your retirement,” Monica replied.

“Who said anything about me retiring?” Junebug looked around the table suspiciously. “I thought this was a birthday party! My birthday’s next week, you know. I’ll take some of that iced tea, missy,” she said to me.

I glanced at the faces circling the table. Claudine’s face had turned a shade of grey that is normally associated with the color of clouds before a blizzard strikes. Passing behind Frank as I moved to fill Junebug’s class, I heard him angrily whisper, “How could Junebug
not
know that this party is for her retirement?”
 

“Don’t ask me,” Claudine snapped back at him in a hushed tone. “I thought she did know. You did talk to her, didn’t you, Frank? You told her how we can’t afford her salary any longer, right?”

“Of course I did,” he said gruffly. “I called her into my office and told her that we can’t continue to pay her as much as we do.”

“And what did she say?” Claudine pressed.

“For Pete’s sake, Claudine, I don’t remember what she said! But I
did
talk to her. I did what I was supposed to do, just like I always do.”

“He did, Claudine,” Monica said, jumping into the conversation with a loud whisper. “I was in Frank’s office that day and I heard him talking to Junebug.”

It was pretty obvious to me that the female portion of the Eden Academy staff was clearly besotted with Frank Ubermann, even Junebug. The only woman at the table who didn’t seem impressed with him was Emily and that was probably because of the age difference between them, although I didn’t doubt for a second that Frank would figure out a way to win her over too.

“Not that I asked for your input, but it seems rather odd to me that Junebug failed to realize that this party is in honor of her retirement if Frank spoke to her about leaving,” Claudine snarled at Monica. “Why would she think that any of us even know when her birthday is?”

“What are you guys whispering about?” Junebug shouted toward the small knot made up of Frank, Claudine and Monica. “Don’t you know it’s rude to whisper in front of other people? Are you talking about me?”

The three pulled their heads apart quickly like a gone-to-seed dandelion that someone blew on. “Let’s get this over with,” Claudine murmured, sounding tired.

“Brilliant idea, Claudine,” Frank said in a voice dripping with sarcasm. “After all, this whole party was your idea.”

Claudine got to her feet again, a surprisingly warm smile on her face. “Junebug, I—oops! I mean
we
—have prepared a short toast to you as Eden Academy’s way of saying ‘thank you’ for all your years of service and dedication to our students. And also to say happy birthday, of course.”

“Don’t say that!” Frank whispered, tugging frantically at Claudine’s sleeve. “Don’t encourage her!”

Claudine yanked her arm away and gave Frank a cool stare. “We have to soften the blow since
you
didn’t do your job!” she hissed.

“How can we toast her with coffee?” Jack Mulholland questioned. “That seems downright un-American to me. Didn’t anyone bring a bottle of something?”

“I’ve got some tequila in my room,” Emily offered.

Frank leaned forward to fix an angry glare at the student teacher. “Need I remind you that we are a school? We shouldn’t be imbibing on school premises. Do you have any idea of what would happen if someone from the state department of education walked in here and found us drinking?”

“We aren’t a monastery, Frank,” Simpson snapped. “And we’re all over twenty-one. Especially Junebug. Besides, I bet every single desk at the state department of education has a drawer with a bottle of mood enhancer in it.”

“Hold on. I’ve got something right here.” Junebug reached into her hip pocket and pulled out a silver flask. “One hundred and one proof,” she announced. “Wild Turkey. Who wants some?”

The air was immediately filled with waving coffee cups and half-filled iced tea glasses. I watched as Junebug jumped up from her seat and went around the table putting a slug into everyone’s cup from the seemingly endless flask. It reminded me of a book I used to read to Tyler and Jane about a never ending pot of porridge. When she got back to her own seat, Junebug looked around the table. “Did I get everybody?”

“Yes, we’re all fine,” Frank told her.

I didn’t expect to be included so I wasn’t insulted that Junebug hadn’t offered me any Wild Turkey but I suddenly remembered the school’s receptionist, the one who had informed Junebug that she was missing her own party.

“Would you like me to go get the receptionist?” I asked the room in general.

Half a dozen pairs of shocked eyes swung in unison up at me. “Why would you go get Ruth?” Jack asked, truly sounding dumbfounded. “Do you need something cleaned up?”

“To join the party,” I replied. “She must not realize it’s already started.”

“Ruth is the
receptionist
,” Claudine said.

“We never include her in anything,” Monica added in a tone that implied that DeeDee was an idiot not to have realized her
faux pas
. “Our get-togethers are only for the salaried staff, not the hourly employees.”

“I see.” And I did see. I saw that the entire staff—at least the
salaried staff
—of Eden Academy was quite loathsome. I couldn’t imagine what kind of people would leave the receptionist out of a luncheon as if she wasn’t good enough to eat with everyone else just because she got paid by the hour. I didn’t have to imagine what kind of people would do something like that; I was sitting in a room full of them. I made a mental note to fix a plate of food for Ruth as soon as the others had finished eating and bring it down to her so she would realize that she hadn’t been forgotten by everyone.

Frank gave me an exasperated look. “Forget about Ruth,” he ordered. “Why don’t you start serving while Claudine talks? I always say, kill two birds with one stone if you can and I’m starving over here.”

Claudine seemed pained. “Frank, my speech won’t take that long. Surely you can wait a few minutes before eating. It always seems so uncouth when people are chewing during a speech.”

“Oh, all
right
. Would you get going then? I do have other things to take care of today and I’m sure I’m not the only one.”

“Like me,” Simpson said. “I have an appointment at three.”

“And me. I’m firing some new pieces this afternoon,” Jack added.

“And me,” Emily put in. “I’m meeting someone I met online at that new bar downtown for Happy Hour.” Maybe she wasn’t the kind of girl I would like Tyler to date.

“Did you ask for time off to leave early, Emily?” Frank questioned.

“Oh, no, I forgot,” Emily replied.

“You know the Eden Academy policy. It was explained to you when you started working here.” He began to speak in a sing-song monotone. “If you know you’re leaving early then you put in for time off. Once you put in for time off, it has to be approved by me.” He spoke in his normal tone again only his voice was now laced with exasperation. “It’s been like that ever since you started working here. I know you’re just a student teacher but you still need to abide by our rules. It’s the only way we can guarantee that things function smoothly at Eden Academy.”

“Frank’s right,” Monica said. “You really need to do everything you’re told to do, Emily. Especially if you want a letter of recommendation from us.” She looked at Frank for approval and beamed when he nodded at her.

“I’m leaving half an hour early,” Emily protested. “I’m supposed to put in for time off for that?”

“If you’re leaving prior to your contractual time, then yes. That’s how it’s done here. Rules are rules.”

“The same rules apply to everyone, Emily,” Monica said with a smarmy smile. “Even you.”

I looked over at Junebug to see how she was reacting to the less than gala-like atmosphere of her farewell party but Junebug didn’t seem to be reacting at all. She had tilted her silver flask up into the air and was sucking on whatever drops were left in it energetically. When she was done, she wiped her mouth on her sleeve. “Well,” she said, “let’s do what the man said and get going. I’m not getting any younger, you know.”

“Who is?” Simpson asked no one in particular.

I suddenly realized that my palms were sweating. Given the way the staff of Eden Academy treated each other, I couldn’t help wondering how they were going to react to my seafood casserole. I had the feeling that I should have made something a little more appropriate, like a nice casserole out of vipers or boa constrictors.

Claudine got to her feet and removed a sheet of paper from the purple file folder she’d brought with her. Clearing her throat elaborately, Claudine waited for the other staff members to quiet down before she began to read. When the room was finally still she started to read her message in a fast, flat delivery as she faced Junebug.

“Junebug, it’s been a true pleasure working with you for the past ten years. Your dedication to the students as well as your all-encompassing knowledge of things quite arcane have been an inspiration to each of us––”

“Oh, brother,” Simpson muttered under his breath. “All encompassing knowledge? Give me a freaking break! The woman doesn’t remember where she parked her car on most mornings.”

Claudine ignored him. “—and we hope that you will know how much we’ll miss you. We also hope that you’ll know what an impact you’ve had on so many students’ lives.”

“She doesn’t even know the names of most of the students,” Jack said to Emily
sotto voce
. “I don’t think she even knows her own name a lot of the time.” Emily giggled.

“Now that the time has come for you to say good-bye to Eden Academy, we hope that you’ll accept this small token of our appreciation and that every time you look at it you’ll remember us with love and affection.”

Claudine stopped reading and looked up, clearly expecting the rest of the group to burst into applause over her touching speech that she delivered like someone reading directions off a GPS. When it was obvious that none was forthcoming, she reached for a small box wrapped in gold paper with a silver bow that sat next to the file folder.

“Is that my birthday present?” Junebug asked.

“It’s your retirement present,” Claudine said in a gentle tone of voice that surprised me. She carried it around the table and handed it to Junebug.

“I already told you that I’m not retiring so we’ll just call this my birthday present.” Tearing off the paper, Junebug revealed a plain white box. She lifted the lid and stared down at the box. “What is it?” she asked.

Claudine beamed. “It’s a paperweight. See?” Reaching into the box, Claudine pulled out a small paper weight that looked like a doll-sized bronzed cowboy hat. “I saw it at an antique store and I thought of you immediately since you have such a love for the West and all things Western.”