1,001 Facts That Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader (28 page)

181

FACT :
While a penis pump can be an effective treatment for erectile dysfunction, a pump will not permanently increase the size of your organ. In fact, a penis pump can
cause numbness and permanent damage
if improperly used.
If I were a penis pump manufacturer, I’d try to use the hit song, “Pump Up The Jam,” in my commercials, except I’d change it to “Pump Up The Ham.” I think that would be memorable and sell a lot of pumps.

“Penis Pumps for Erectile Dysfunction: Improve Your Sexual Function,” Mayo Clinic,
www.mayoclinic.com
.

182

FACT :
Homosexuality
stayed on the list of mental illnesses
of the American Psychiatric Association until 1973.
As did witchcraft, hysteria, alcoholism, left-handedness, drapetomania, and demonic possession. Turns out the list had not been updated since ’57. 1857.

Robert E. Hales and others, The American Psychiatric Publishing Textbook of Psychiatry, 5th ed. (American Psychiatric Publishing, 2008).

183

FACT :
During World War I, the French recorded more than
1 million cases of syphilis and gonorrhea
, and the British suffered a loss of 23,000 men on average for seven-week hospital stays due to STDs.
Well, the French are known as lovers. I’m not sure what got into the British.

Allan M. Brandt, No Magic Bullet: A Social History of Venereal Disease in the United States Since 1880 (Oxford University Press, 1987).

184

FACT :
The average U.S. male’s sperm count has declined
30 percent
in the last three decades.
I blame global warming. Or scrotal warming. I’m sure they are related. I should ask Al Gore.

John Robbins, Diet for a New America: How Your Food Choices Affect Your Health, Happiness, and the Future of Life on Earth, 2nd ed. (H J Kramer, 1998).

185

FACT :
The sale of sex toys and vibrators is
banned in Alabama and Mississippi
.
Good call. We don’t really want to encourage sexual activity in those states, as it could lead to procreation.

Associated Press, “Appeals Court Overturns Texas Ban on Sex Toys,”
MSNBC.com
, February 13, 2008,
www.msnbc.msn.com
.

186

FACT :
Though treatable today through medical advancements,
impotence has been considered grounds for divorce
in many different cultures for centuries.
Can you really call a bunch of dudes sitting around playing music and singing about how much they love their Viagra a medical advancement? Or the guy who can’t stop smiling because he always has a boner?

Angus McLaren, Impotence: A Cultural History (University of Chicago Press, 2007).

187

FACT :
“Beer goggles” aren’t just a myth:
People do appear more attractive
after a few drinks, according to researchers at the University of Bristol in England.
Students who had consumed alcohol rated pictures of people their own age as being more attractive than did participants who had no alcohol. Booze: helping ugly people get laid since the dawn of time.

“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent, September 13, 2008,
www.independent.co.uk
.

188

FACT :
Wearing too much makeup can mask the scent that
attracts men to women during ovulation
.

An experiment found that a woman’s armpit scent was at its most attractive to men between the end of her cycle and ovulation, but that this smell is easily obscured by cosmetics.
Trying to describe when an armpit scent is at its most attractive is like trying to say when vomit is at its tastiest.

“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent, September 13, 2008,
www.independent.co.uk
.

189

FACT :
Not all people are attracted to other humans. There are believed to be around forty
objectum sexuals
in the world who feel attraction, arousal, love, and even commitment for
an object instead of another person
. Swede Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, for example, has been “married” to the Berlin Wall since 1979.
Nobody has the heart to tell her they tore it down.

“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent, September 13, 2008,
www.independent.co.uk
.