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ON FRIDAY
Mom really came through. She drove me to the mall, nodded “Hi” to Brett and the kids, marched up to the ticket booth, and bought seven tickets—her treat, just like she had promised, then walked us into the theater.

“Have fun!”

With a quick wave, she turned back to her car.

You should've seen it. I was high-fived, back-slapped, and congratulated like I had just completed a solo climb up Everest. I had done it! Made everything right! Now everyone would come to my bar mitzvah. When Brett threw his arm around my shoulder, I felt almost giddy.

“Whoa, Brain,” he said. “Your mom rules!”

“Thanks, Brett buddy.”

Moments later, Brett, Eddie, Fudge, and I were loaded down with popcorn, soda, and candy, while Kendra and Lucy took a sprint to the bathroom.

“Yo, Brett!” Eddie said. “Front two rows are open!”

As it turned out, every row was open. I guess
The Bloodmaster
wasn't high on most people's must-see list. The place was empty.

“Come on!” Fudge said, and marched down the aisle.

Things were going well, right? But it turned out I was in for my own private horror movie that night. The minute my butt hit my seat, I heard her.

“Hey, Evan.”

I had never really believed that Patrice would bother to come. And if she
did
decide to come, I didn't think she'd get in. But there she was, suddenly in the seat right behind me, with a copy of
The Hours
.

“Oh,” I said. “You got in, I guess.”

“My cousin works concessions,” she said. “He snuck us in the emergency exit.”

“Us?” I said, turning.

Patrice was half smiling, like she couldn't wait to
see my expertly planned evening get blown to bits.

“That's right,” Patrice said. “Archie figured it was easier than trying to convince his mom to walk us in.”

I had hoped that Archie would just chicken out. He had spent the last two days on my case morning, noon, and night, asking me what to wear, what to say, how to act. It was like I was suddenly his personal life coach. The night before, he had dropped by Pam's house unannounced.

“Yeah?” I said, when I opened the door.

Archie didn't waste any time. “I imagine you've noticed that I have a very powerful, very masculine smell.”

I just stared at him sort of blankly.

“Even so,” he went on. “I think my natural musk should be highlighted with cologne. What do you prefer? Brut or Old Spice?”

I was so weirded out that I mumbled something about homework and shut the door in his face. Did that stop Archie? Not even close. Later that night as I was struggling to learn my haftorah, he called.

“I've been making out with my pillow!”

I nearly dropped the phone. “You what?”

“You know, pretending it's Kendra. For when I plant the tongue later. Can you give me a few tips?”

“Oh, my god!” I shrieked, and hung up.

Thankfully, I hadn't seen or heard from him since. In my heart, I hoped he would realize how silly he sounded. I hoped he would give up on his dreams about Kendra. I hoped he would let me off the hook. I had even gotten Steve on the phone back in New York and asked his advice about what to do in case Archie showed up. “Do?” Steve had said. “If this Archie kid is as weird as you say, pretend you don't know him.”

Which is what I wanted to do when I turned to see Archie clomping down the aisle, wearing the most outrageous getup I had ever seen in my life. I had told Archie to wear something casual, nothing too fancy. Instead, there he was, head to toe in this wild purple suit. I don't mean that just
some
of it was purple, I mean that
everything
was purple: his jacket, shirt, pants—even his socks—like he was a member of some psychedelic rock band.

“Hey!” he shouted. Then louder: “Hey! Hey!”

The nightmare had begun. Now that Archie was here, I had to stave off disaster. So I jumped out of my seat, dragged Archie back up the aisle, and got him to a dark corner of the lobby.

“What are you wearing?” I yelped. “Everyone's gonna make fun of you!”

Archie ignored that completely.

“I'm ready,” he said. “Let me at her!”

I swear, he was practically panting.

“Okay, listen, here's the plan,” I said. “You stay in the lobby until the right time.”

Archie looked confused. “The right time? How am I going to know the right time?”

I thought fast. “I'll come and get you after the movie's been going a little while. I'm going to make sure I'm sitting next to Kendra. Then you come in and take my seat.”

Archie smiled. “So that's when I slip her the tongue, right?”

“No,” I said. “No tongue! Forget the tongue!”

I could not believe that a boy who looked like Barney the Dinosaur thought he was the George Clooney of Indiana.

Archie looked taken aback. “No tongue?”

“Just talk to her, okay? Say ‘Hi, Kendra,' and then take it from there.”

To that, Archie winked. “Relax. The love guru has everything under control.”

“Love guru?” I said.

Archie nodded. “I'll have Kendra eating out of my hand by the Bloodmaster's first killing. Watch and learn.”

“Okay, whatever,” I said, trying not to get sucked into a ridiculous discussion. Still, I had to cover my tracks. I couldn't let Brett and the gang know I knew
that Archie might crash the movie. “Just remember: You've got to pretend you didn't know any of us were here. You just happened to wander into the same movie.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Archie said. “Whatever you say.”

“Fine,” I said. “Just stay here and wait for my signal.”

As I reentered the theater, the credits were rolling, so I hustled down the aisle. By the time I reached the front row, Kendra and Lucy had already come back from the ladies' room, and Kendra was sitting next to Brett with an empty seat on her other side. Maybe the Higher Power wanted Archie to get his shot at Kendra after all.

“Have a seat, Evan,” Kendra said.

She patted the empty chair.

“Righto,” Brett said. “The Brain's gotta be in the front row.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. This could work out after all.

Seated behind Brett was Fudge. Lucy was next to him. From the way she was pouting, you didn't need to be a genius to see how badly she wanted to be next to Brett.

And then there was Patrice, still a row back, now next to Fudge with an empty seat between them, which made the first two rows look like this:

screen

 

“Hey, Evan,” Patrice said.

“What?”

“Where's your friend?”

“What friend?” Brett asked.

Thankfully, I was saved.

“Yo, yo!” Eddie called. He pointed to the screen. “Check this out!”

The screen filled with the image of a quaint Midwestern house, not unlike Pam's.
The Bloodmaster
was the story of this girl named Jessica Jones. In the first sequence she has a fight with her mom and dad, then gets stood up at the junior prom. But worse is yet to come. About five minutes into the film, she's walking down this deserted street and hears footsteps. She starts to run. The music gets loud. And you'll never guess who's behind her with a pickax. Next thing, the
ax is implanted in her skull and the Bloodmaster, this tall guy with a hood over his head, is eating her arm. Fudge, Lucy, and Eddie screamed. Kendra called, “I can't watch this!” On-screen the Bloodmaster finishes his meal and burps really loudly. That's when Brett weighed in.

“Oh, man! Gross!”

“Hey, Ken,” Lucy called. “This movie's going to be pretty intense from the very front row. I'd be happy to switch seats.”

By that point, Brett had his arm around Kendra. She glanced back. “That's okay, Lucy. I'm fine.”

It was obvious to everyone that Lucy liked Brett, but that didn't slow Fudge down. He put his arm around Lucy the minute Kendra turned back to the screen.

“May I interest you in some Goobers, Lucy?” he asked.

She scowled and pushed him away, then leaned forward to Eddie, sitting on the other side of Brett.

“All right, barf bag. Give up your seat.”

“Like hell,” Eddie said.

Lucy's response was simple. She took her soda and dumped it in Eddie's lap.

“Oh, I'm so sorry!” she called, as Eddie jumped up. “You better get cleaned up in the bathroom. 'Bye!”

“This sucks!” Eddie said, and hustled up the aisle, brushing off his pants.

Lucy jumped right into his seat and leaned in to Brett. “The view is so much better from here.”

Now the seating looked like this:

screen

 

So there we were. I was settling in, watching the Bloodmaster pick his teeth with his bloody pickax, when I heard the scariest noise in the world.

DINK clump.

DINK clump.

“Oh, what a long walk! Down this long aisle! With these big crutches!”

Had Archie waited for me? Of course not!

“Oh, I'm so very tired,” he went on. “I wonder if anyone will give me their seat.”

I had no choice.

“Hey, man,” I said, getting up. “Why don't you take mine? You must be exhausted.”

I jumped into the second row next to Patrice and held my breath. Despite the gore on-screen, I was more scared of what was about to happen off it. No tongue, I thought, please please please no tongue.

Thankfully, he didn't. Even better, as Archie sat down, Kendra turned to him with a big smile and introduced herself.

“Hi. I'm Kendra.”

Here it was: Archie's golden opportunity. Go on, I thought. Talk to her! Do it! Do it!

But if Archie had any words, he was suddenly too wound up to say them. The swagger he had shown in the lobby was gone. The love guru was suddenly sweating and hyperventilating.

“Are you all right?” Kendra asked.

Archie couldn't answer—just kept on breathing, louder and louder.

“Okay,” she said. “Whatever.”

“Great job,” Patrice whispered to me.

“He just needs a second,” I said. “Back off.”

That's when he finally took my advice.

“HI, KENDRA!” he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Kendra looked at him like he was a mental patient.

“Yo, dude!” Brett said. “Keep it down!”

Brett might have done more—like picked him up and moved him to another part of the theater—but Archie was saved from complete and total humiliation by what was happening on-screen. Right then, Jessica's brother Clyde was confiding in the school principal. Unfortunately, the principal was actually the Bloodmaster. Just as Clyde was beginning to weep over his chopped-up sister, out came the pickax. This time the Bloodmaster didn't settle for chowing on an arm. Instead, he went straight for Clyde's head. Everyone in the movie theater moaned—especially when the Bloodmaster spit a mouthful of brains directly at the screen.

The drama in the audience was just as intense. After the Bloodmaster spit those brains, Eddie got back from the bathroom and sat next to Fudge in the second row. Now the seating was this:

screen