14 Fearless Fourteen (11 page)

Stalkers? Women against boobs?“ ”No bomb threats. All the other
crazies are in full force. Never have a rock concert on a full
moon.“ ”How were ticket sales?“ ”She sold out. Not a lot to do in
Trenton this week. And Brenda still has a lot of fans. Mostly your
parents' generation.“ Truth is, I liked Brenda's music. She had a
brassy way of combining country and rock, and she could really belt
it out when she wanted. At least, that was true of her last album,
but that was a bunch of years ago. I suspected that, in spite of
all her efforts, she wasn't capturing the kids. And the kids were
the ones who spent money on music. The kids bought sex, and Brenda
was good, but she wasn't sexy to a sixteen-year-old. Even the
Stones were struggling with that... and they were the Stones]
Brenda spotted Ranger and blew him a kiss. ”Sorry,“ I said to
Ranger, ”you can't kill her, either.“ ”I'm getting nervous,“ Brenda
said. ”I'm gonna throw up. I need a drink. I need a pill. Somebody
get me something.“ ”You'll be fine,“ Nancy told her. ”I need a
pill.“ ”Last time you took a pill before a performance, you fell
off the stage.“ ”Yes, but it was a lot of pills on that occasion.“
Lula stood hands on hips. ”You don't need no pills,“ she said.
”You're a professional. Get a grip on yourself.“ ”You don't know
what it's like,“ Brenda said. ”I had a chili dog for
dinner.

Suppose I fart?“ ”You're in Trenton. No one would notice a
fart,“ Lula said. After the concert, we immediately hustled Rrenda
off the stage, through the maze of corridors, out the door to the
secure lot. ”I was hot,“ Brenda said. ”I remembered all the words
to the songs. And I didn't knock any of the dancers down.“ ”You
were great,“ Nancy said. ”The concert was fabulous.“ We wedged
Brenda into the SUV's backseat between Ranger and me. Nancy and
Lula were behind us. We rolled out of the lot with a police escort.
We didn't need the police, but the concert promoter wanted the
flashing lights. ”So what about it?“ Brenda asked Ranger. ”No,“
Ranger said. ”I swear, you aren't any fun at all. What's the deal
with you? I know you aren't gay. You aren't nice enough to be gay-“
The caravan pulled up to the front entrance of the hotel and
photographers rushed out to take pictures. Local television was
inside, plus a handful of journalists. And scattered in the mix
were random fans and special-interest protestors hoping to get a
spot on the evening news. Ranger got out first, then Brenda, and
then the rest of us. Brenda posed for photos and made her way
through the big glass doors into the lobby. The local anchor was
waiting for an interview. Brenda stepped up to the anchor, and the
circle of fans and photographers closed in. ”We need space,“ the
anchor said. ”I'm on it,“ Lula told her. ”You people better back
up, or I'm gonna sit on you. Oops, did I step on your foot with my
high heels? “Scuse me. Sorry I got you with my elbow. Coming back.
Beep, beep, beep. I got a gun... you better listen to me.” “Do you
really have a gun?” the anchor asked. "Sure I got a gun. What kind
of half-assed security would I be without a gun?

“Course, I'm just moonlighting here for a friend. Stephanie and
me are mostly bounty hunters. And I sing with a band. You might
want to have me on your show sometime. I got moves.” Lula snapped
her fingers and stuck out a hip. “Woo!” she said. Ranger had me by
the back of my jacket. “Get her out of here before she tells them
she works for me. I'll get Hal to help me with Brenda.” I parked in
front of Morelli's house, and Morelli pulled in behind me. “That
was great,” Zook said. “Everyone at school's gonna be way jealous.
And Joe used the Kojak light to get us through traffic.” Morelli
opened the front door, and Bob bounced out at us. He ran to a patch
of wilted grass, tinkled, and ran back inside the house. I followed
Bob through the house to the kitchen. I gave Bob a dog biscuit, and
I looked in the freezer for ice cream. Hooray! A new tub of
chocolate. Morelli and I sat at the little kitchen table and ate
our ice cream. Zook took his into the living room and went online.
“Do you think he should be online at this hour?” I asked Morelli.
“It's a school night.” “When I was his age, I was stealing cars at
this time of the night, and you were sneaking out your parents'
bathroom window.” “Yeah, but we're on the other side now. We're
supposed to be smarter than Zook.” “I just spent half a day with
him, and I'm not sure I'm smarter. And I'm not sure I feel
comfortable being on the other side. It's like I fast-forwarded my
life by fifteen years.” “He's not here,” Zook said from the living
room. “Who?” I asked. “The griefer. Moondog. He's always here, but
now he's not.” “Maybe you and Grandma scared him off.” The doorbell
rang, and Morelli and I did raised eyebrows. It was late for
someone to be visiting. Morelli went to the door, and I trailed
behind. With the way things were going, it could be Dom or Loretta
or a cop with bad news. Morelli opened the door, and we both gaped
at the guy on the porch. He was my age and just under six feet
tall, with shoulder-length, light brown hair, parted in the middle.
He was slim and pale, dressed in baggy jeans and a Fruits Basket
T-shirt. “I'm looking for Zook,” he said. I switched the porch
light on and stared out at him. “Mooner?” He squinted back at me.
“Stephanie Plum?” He turned his attention to Morelli. “And the
dude! Whoa, this is too heavy. What's going on? You aren't Zook,
are you?” I'd gone to high school with Walter MoonMan Dunphy.
MoonMan was the class stoner and voted most likely to get adopted
by a little old lady. He drifted in and out of people's lives,
happy to get the occasional bowl of ice cream or cat kibble. He
used to live with two other losers on Grant Street, but last I
heard he'd moved back home with his mother. “I'm Zook,” Mario said
from the couch. Mooner looked in at him. “The little dude is Zook.
I can dig it. It's always a little dude.” “Who are you?” Zook
asked. “I'm Moondog.” “No way!” “Way, man,” Mooner said. “I hacked
this address. I wanted to see what you looked like. Man, you're
harsh. I was having a good run, and you rained on my parade. You
and Scorch. I'm, like, all bummed now.” “It's not like we finished
you off,” Zook said. “Dude, it was only a matter of time. And
Scorch is an animal. Scorch comes on, and I can smell sulfur.” “So,
you're the griefer,” Morelli said. “How'd that happen?” Mooner
shrugged. “Destiny, dude.” “What are you going to do now?” Zook
asked Mooner. “You still have a powerful PC.” "Yeah, but not as
powerful as yours. You could go all the way.

You could be the Mega Mage of wizards. You could rule
Minionfire.“ ”Do you really think so?“ ”Yeah, but you'd have to
make a deal with the wood elves.“ ”I don't like the wood elves.“
”They're okay. They're misunderstood.“ ”Maybe we could form an
alliance, and then you could deal with the wood elves,“ Zook said.
”An alliance would be cool,“ Mooner said. ”We'd need an awesome
name... like the Legion of Q.“ ”What's Q?“ Zook asked. ”It's
everything. It's the big Q. It's, like... wind, man.“ Mooner
dragged his backpack in from the front porch and took his laptop
out. ”I'll send a pigeon to the king of the wood elves.“ ”You're
going to need a drug test before you run an alliance from my
house,“ Morelli said to Mooner. ”Hey, I'm clean. Swear to God. You
gotta be sharp to be a griefer of my magnitude.“ We let Mooner send
a pigeon, and then we kicked him out, and we all went to bed. I was
so relieved to be off the Brenda job that I fell asleep instantly
and slept like the dead. I didn't wake up until Morelli kissed me
good-bye the next morning. ”I set the alarm,“ he said. ”You can't
oversleep today. You have to get Zook off to school.“ I listened to
his tread on the stairs and heard the front door open and close.
And then two shots from a high-powered rifle shattered the early
morning quiet. I flew out of bed and ran to the window. Morelli's
SUV was still at the curb, but I didn't see Morelli. I grabbed some
clothes off the floor, rammed myself into them, and ran to the
stairs. I was halfway down the stairs when I realized Morelli was
back in the house, in the foyer, talking on his cell phone. ”What
the heck was that?“ I asked him. ”Are you okay?“ Morelli slid his
phone into his pocket. ”Yeah, I'm okay. That was crazy Dom. I saw
him. He stepped right out where I could see him and opened fire on
me! I don't know if he's a lousy shot or if he just meant to scare
me. Anyway, he fired two rounds and took off. I called it in to
dispatch. If he stays in that same car, there's a good chance
someone will pick him up.“ I looked up the stairs. No sign of Zook.
”I guess the Legion of Q isn't bothered by gunfire,“ Morelli said.
”He probably sleeps wearing earbuds hooked to his computer so he
can listen for the wood elves.“ I dropped Zook off at school and
went home to my apartment. I gave Rex fresh water, a bowl of
hamster crunchies, and a potato chip. He rushed out of his soup
can, twitched his whiskers at me, stuffed the potato chip into his
cheek pouch, and scurried back into his soup can. It's easy to have
a decent relationship with a hamster. So little is required. I took
a shower and changed into clean clothes. No more Rangeman black.
That job was done. I was about to get a pot of coffee going when
Connie called. ”You need to come to the office,“ she said. ”We have
a situation.“ ”What does that mean? What's a situation?“ ”You have
to see for yourself.“ I locked up my apartment and went down to the
lot to the Zook car. I checked the sky. No clouds. That meant no
rain. The paint wouldn't get washed away again today. When I picked
Zook up from school, I was going to make him wash my car. And then
I'd have him scrub my mom's door and sidewalk. Ten minutes later, I
cruised by the office. Lula's Firebird was parked curbside behind a
black stretch limo and a TV news van. Just keep driving, I told
myself. This smells like Brenda. I was two blocks away when my
phone rang. ”We saw you drive by,“ Connie said. ”Maybe it wasn't
me.“ ”How many cars have Zook written all over them?“ ”I couldn't
find a parking place.“ ”There's lots of parking. Lula's outside
waiting for you to turn around. If you don't turn around, she's
going to get in her car and come after you.“ ”I'm pretty sure I
could lose her.“ ”I wouldn't count on it. She's really motivated.“
I hung up, hooked a U-turn, and parked in front of the limo. Lula
came running. ”Hurry up!“ she yelled at me. ”Everybody's inside
waiting for you!“ She was dressed entirely in black leather.
High-heeled stiletto boots, short black leather skirt, black
leather bustier, and a black leather bomber jacket that had CRIME
busters stitched in gold on the back. If you were a guy and you
ordered a dominatrix by the pound, Lula would be a wet dream come
true. I got out of the Zookmobile and followed Lula into the
office. Brenda was there with her hair teased up. She was dressed
in tight black leather pants and a black leather vest. Nothing
under the vest but Brenda. Nancy was with her, plus a man and a
woman I didn't know. A camera crew sat slouched on the couch, their
equipment at their feet. ”What's up?“ I asked, not actually wanting
to hear the answer. ”This is Mark Bird and his producer, Jenny
Walen,“ Nancy said. ”Some suit at Fox was watching the local feed
last night and got the brilliant idea of teaming Brenda up with you
and Lula on a bust for a Sunday-night special. Mark is going to run
point with it.“ I put my finger to my eye to stop the twitching.
”Don't we already have enough bounty hunter shows on television?“
”Not with Brenda,“ Mark said. ”I think we could really get ratings
with this.

It would be a cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Paris
Hilton's The Simple Life.“ Eeek! ”Trouble is, you're not dressed
the part,“ Lula said to me. ”You gotta be in black leather.“ ”I'm
not wearing black leather,“ I told her. ”And you shouldn't, either.
You look like an S&M ad.“ ”This is bounty hunter clothes,“ Lula
said. ”All the bounty hunters on television wear clothes like
this.“ I pressed my finger harder against my eyeball. ”First off,
no real bond enforcer dresses like that. It's like announcing, Here
comes the bounty hunter. And second, my mother would have a heart
attack if she saw me in that getup.“ ”Yeah, but you're always
giving your mother a heart attack,“ Lula said. ”And anyways, you
haven't seen the best part. They had jackets made for us. And they
got the show's name-on the back and our names on the front. It's
like we're Charlie's Angels.“ ”For crissake,“ Brenda said to me.
”You're a bounty hunter. Buy into the stereotype and get it over
with. And here's something to consider. I'm getting a crack at
reality TV, and I'll kick your ass from here to kingdom come if you
screw it up for me.“ ”I think you should ask Ranger to do this,“ I
said to Nancy. ”He'd be a better partner for Brenda.“ ”We already
asked him, and he turned it down,“ Brenda said. ”This isn't a good
idea,“ I said to Connie. ”They called Vinnie last night, and he
thinks it's a great idea. It's out of my hands.“ ”Can I discuss
this with you in private?“ Lula said to me. ”Would you step into my
office behind the building for a moment?“ I followed Lula past the
bank of file cabinets and through the storeroom to the back door.
We stepped outside and stood on the small patch of blacktop that
was allocated as emergency parking ... an emergency usually being
when someone is trying to collect money from Vinnie and he doesn't
want his car to be seen in front of the agency. ”This here's my big
opportunity,“ Lula said. ”I could get discovered. I could have my
own reality TV show with Brenda. Even my horoscope said I was gonna
look to new horizons today.“ ”This is a disastrous idea! Think
about it. We're like Lucy and Ethel out there. We never know what
the heck we're doing. And now we're going to drag Brenda around
with us? And it's going to be documented. Remember when that mop
fell out of the closet and you thought it was a snake? Do you want
that picture to go into a million homes?“ ”Maybe not that picture.“
”And what about the time you fell in the grave and couldn't get out
and freaked?“ ”Yeah, but anyone would have. I figure we just have
to pick a good bust. Like the old naked guy would have been okay.“
”You can't put an old naked guy on national television. Anyway, we
already brought him in.“ ”Connie said she had something we could
use. And besides being my big break, they're gonna pay us.“ That
caught my attention because I needed a new car... bad. ”How much?“
”A couple thousand. And they thought we'd only have to do two days
of filming.“ ”Okay, I'll do it, but I'm not dressing in black
leather.“ ”You're gonna be sorry. You're gonna look like a amateur.
You're not gonna fit in with Brenda and me. You should at least
wear the jacket.“ ”Fine. I'll wear the jacket.“ Lula hustled back
inside. ”We're ready to roll. We just cleared our schedule for you.
And Stephanie's all excited about wearing the jacket.“ ”What have
you got?“ I asked Connie. ”Susan Stitch. Just came in. She had a
fight with her boyfriend and tried to leave, but he climbed onto
the roof of her SUV and wouldn't get off, so she drove him to
Princeton. Actually, she didn't quite make Princeton. The police
finally stopped her on Route 1 about a half mile from the
interchange.“ ”Jeez,“ I said. ”Was he hurt?“ ”Not from the ride,
but he sort of flew off the car when Susan stopped short, and then
she kind of ran over him.“ ”Kind of?“ ”He tried to scramble to his
feet, but she gunned the car and clipped him in the leg.“ ”She
sounds dangerous,“ Lula said. ”We want to make sure we're packin'.“
”No! No packing,“ I said. ”No packing anything. This is a domestic
disturbance.“ ”Sure. I know that,“ Lula said. ”Why did she miss her
court date?“ I asked Connie. ”Did you call her?“ ”She said she
forgot, and she said she was sorry. So it should be an easy pickup.
She lives on Bing Street in North Trenton. It's a small apartment
building. She's in apartment 212.“ ”You see,“ I said to Lula.
”She's sorry. We don't want to overreact with this woman.“ ”This
sounds like it's going to be boring,“ Brenda said. ”I think we
should hunt down a rapist or something.“ ”Gee, sorry,“ I said.
”There aren't any of those around right now, right, Connie?“ ”Yeah,
we already caught all the rapists.“ ”We gotta have a plan for the
takedown,“ Lula said. ”Do you have your cuffs ready?“ she asked
Brenda. ”Cuffs?“ ”You gotta have handcuffs,“ Lula said. ”How're you
gonna do a takedown without handcuffs?“ Brenda glared at Nancy.
”Dammit, why don't I have handcuffs?“ Nancy was head down, thumbing
through the pages on her clipboard. ”Wardrobe didn't list
handcuffs.“ ”Isn't it bad enough I haven't got a gun?“ Brenda said.
”Just because little Miss Goody Two Shoes Stephanie Plum doesn't
have the stomach for it. Doesn't want to stress out the disturbed
woman who ran over her boyfriend.“ ”You ran over a cameraman,“
Nancy said to Brenda. ”He deserved it,“ Brenda said. ”The
sonovabitch.“ ”I always got a gun,“ Lula said. ”I got a big one.“
”This just isn't going to work,“ Brenda said. ”How are we supposed
to look like bounty hunters if we don't go in with guns drawn? This
is very disappointing. My fans will be expecting
action.