#1.5 Finding Autumn (17 page)

My body was spent once the coaches called the practice. Sweat was pouring off my skin, and I couldn’t wait to hit the showers and wash the stench off of me. It had been a long afternoon of mat drills, ladder drills, and cone drills. Practice had made me want to drill a football-sized hole in my head.

The college was mostly empty since most students wouldn’t move in for another few weeks. It gave me time to keep worrying about what I’d do once I saw Autumn on campus again. I headed off the football field in the direction of the locker room, but stopped in my tracks. A familiar blonde sat alone in the bleachers with her hand shielding her eyes as she scanned the field. She stopped moving once she turned in my direction. She waved me over and I jogged eagerly in her direction.

“Hey, big brother!”

Delia was smiling at my approach. It was a relief to see her delight. We had barely talked over the summer and it had taken her two months to finally return my phone calls. Things weren’t the same between us, but I was hopeful. At least I had faith that I’d have the ability to salvage one of my relationships.

Delia picked up a water bottle from the bench next to her and tossed it my way. I caught it as I climbed the bleachers to join her. I grinned. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought I’d witness your badassery on the field first hand, but…,”

My laugh was broken. “But you instead got to see me get screamed at and screw up for most of the practice.”

Delia shrugged. “Well, you can’t be perfect all the time, Blake.”

I watched as my teammates trickled off of the field. The equipment managers began to clear the turf while the coaches headed toward their offices. I wondered if they were questioning my ability to start this season. I only had a short amount of time to pull my act together.

“So, how’d you get here? Did Mom bring you?” I looked around, trying to spot my mother.

“No. I drove.” My eyebrows lifted in surprise. “I finally got my license three weeks after my birthday.” Delia had turned seventeen in June. She hadn’t been ready to see me yet, and I had to make do by sending her a silver charm bracelet in the mail. I chose a sister and initial charm to start her collection. As we sat together, I did notice she was wearing it, and I took it as a sign she was ready to let me be a part of her life again.

“Do you have a car?”

She shook her head. “I told Mom I was heading to the mall and borrowed her car. I stopped by your apartment first and when you weren’t there, I took a chance that you were here practicing.”

“Do you want to get dinner? I could take a quick shower and take you out.”

“Although you do smell like ass crack, I thought we could talk for a minute.” Delia scrutinized me for several beats. “I’m worried about you.”

I scoffed. “Worried about me? Why? I’ve been fine.”

Delia groaned. “Do you ever get tired of pretending, Blake?” Her words bowled me over, and I couldn’t respond. She added, “You don’t have to change who you are for people to love you.”

My sister had summarized my life in a single sentence. She was right. I had to play football for Thomas and my mom to love me. I had to provide for Delia for her to love me. I couldn’t be Thomas Bridges’s stepson if I wanted Autumn to love me. I never felt like being myself was adequate.

I blinked, trying to keep hold of myself. “I’ve missed your brutal honesty.”

“And I’ve missed seeing your ugly face at the house.” Delia’s expression sobered. “Mom asked Dad to move out.”

I tilted my head as I stared at her. “What? When did this happen?”

“Last week,” Delia said. “I wanted to call you, but I wasn’t sure if I could talk to you about him.”

“Listen, my relationship with Thomas has nothing to do with me and you. You don’t need to censor yourself when we talk. If you’re upset about something, then come to me.”

Delia nodded. “Dad came home and everything was great at first.” She looked down at my sneakers. “Well, besides the fact Mom and Dad were pretending like you no longer existed.”

I shrugged, unmoved by her declaration. My mom had called several times last week, but hadn’t left a message. I hadn’t returned her calls. Despite not hearing from her in months, I wasn’t sure if I was mentally prepared to talk to her yet. She had said some hateful things to Autumn after viciously slapping her and I wasn’t sure if I could ever scrub the memory from my brain.

Delia continued. “Dad tried to get a job, but obviously the resume of an ex-con doesn’t exactly scream
hire me
. I could tell Mom was getting pissed at him. She would come home after working all day and he’d be sprawled out on the couch. I guess she hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be for him to start over.”

I kept a biting retort about Thomas to myself. Instead, I said, “Mom is used to being taken care of, not the other way around.”

“You got that right. Every night, she would scream at him to get off his ass. He warned her to lay off, and reminded her that he had been behind bars for two years. Finally, one morning, they sat me down and told me Dad was moving out. He rented an apartment about fifteen minutes from the house.”

“How did he afford a place?”

“He’s staying with a friend. I think he plans to pay him back once he finds a job.” Delia adjusted in her seat. “He picks me up for dinner twice a week and we spend the two hours staring at each other with nothing to say. There’s no
safe
topic when you have a family like ours.” I opened up my mouth, but she silenced me with her palm. “I’m not telling you this because you need to
fix it
. I only want to vent.”

I did have the strongest urge to always put things right. I was learning I had to accept some things were out of my control. “Does Thomas know about Autumn and me?”

Delia looked stricken. “Mom told him. She held off for a while, but then Dad kept talking about coming to see you. She was afraid he’d show up at your apartment and find you there with Autumn.”

My stomach clenched at the thought. “Autumn broke up with me. I haven’t seen her since she found out who I was.”

“Dad said you needed mental help.” She shook her head. “He said a bunch of psychobabble nonsense like you were suffering from the Oedipus complex.”

I couldn’t care less what Thomas thought of me. His opinions about my life had become irrelevant. But I was worried about Delia. Although she’d never admit it, she was suffering for her father’s sins. “I’m sorry things at home have been difficult.”

“It’s not your fault. I was pissed at you for so long, but
I know you
. I believe that you met Autumn and something changed for you.” Her blue eyes were swimming with questions as she stared at me.

I took a long pull of the water bottle before I replied. “You can ask me about her. I won’t lie to you.”

“Okay… do you still love her?”

“I do,” I answered automatically. “It doesn’t matter since she hates me. I failed her, and she needs someone she can rely on.” Autumn had given too many men her trust and had it backfire horrifically. She wouldn’t likely want to take that risk again.

“What is she like? I mean… are you sure that you’re in love with her? Maybe it’s just a sex thing. I was with you, Blake, when we looked her up on Facebook, and I saw how wild she was.”

I gave my sister a sad smile. “We never had sex.”

Her lips parted and she made a surprised sound. “Wow… not that I want to hear about your sex life, but I just assumed she had somehow ensnared you with her magical vagina.”

I put my hand over her mouth. “Sometimes you take that frankness a little too far, Del.”

Her laughter was nervous. “Anyway, I don’t believe I’m going to say this, but maybe you should call her. I wish you’d find someone else to be with, but maybe you need to stop putting everyone else’s happiness before your own. If Autumn is definitely the girl you love and want to be with, I’m not going to be the one to tell you not to be with her.”

I pulled Delia to my side and squeezed her shoulder. She had no idea what it meant to hear her say that. Although I was crazy about Autumn, I couldn’t disregard my sister’s feelings. I understood how much it was upsetting her for me to love someone she had nurtured a hatred for over the years.

“Thanks. Although it’s not likely I’ll be given another chance with Autumn.”

“Why? Because you lied?” Her eyes tore away from mine and fixed on a point in the distance. “Sometimes believing a lie is a blessing.”

“I don’t think she sees things that way.”

“Then she’s a fool. Because a single mistake doesn’t define who you are.” She paused and chewed on her lower lip. “And who your parents are doesn’t either.”

I allowed her words to sink in. Maybe I did need to forgive myself. How could I be happy again if I continued down a path of self-loathing? How long could I beat myself up for lying to her? Did I have to continuously hate myself for being Thomas’s stepson?

I couldn’t go back and had to find a way to move forward. I had hoped it would be with Autumn, but that was her choice. She had to be willing to realize—despite the way I falsely represented myself—that what we had was real and beautiful.

***

I was playing in was Cook’s first game of the season and the pressure was mounting. I hadn’t been playing up to par, but I’d been gradually improving with each practice. The coaches were pushing me hard, and I’d been logging serious hours training in the gym and on the field.

I’d been getting close again with Delia, and talking things out with her had given me perspective. I was done with handing over control of my life. I had played football as a means to an end. My mom had wanted me to give up everything to make it to the NFL, and I had done as she wished because I felt like I owed it to her and Thomas.

Football meant a lot to me, and I had felt guilty over that fact. Thomas may have been a mentor, but I didn’t have to hate football because of him. I wanted to play my final year of college ball because I enjoyed the sport. I wouldn’t chase NFL glory, but I wouldn’t run from it either.  

The first half of our game against Rutgers wasn’t my best outing, but it wouldn’t get me kicked off the team either. I’d been trying to stay focused, but it had been a tough week. Going to campus each day for class had brought on day-drinking impulses I had to keep fighting against. I wanted to see Autumn again, but I was also terrified I’d walk by her and she’d look through me as if I wasn’t there.

During the first half of the game, I had taken a few decent hits on the field. My shoulder was throbbing, and I planned to ice it in the locker room during half-time while listening to the coaches strategize on how we could play better in the second half.

I was on the outskirts of the cluster as the team jogged toward the locker rooms. I’d been focused in front of me, but my eyes suddenly darted to the side. I stopped in my tracks and felt a teammate slam into me from behind. I ignored his muttered curses and stepped away from the line of players. Dazed, I wandered toward the face of the athletic building.

“Autumn?”

I blinked several times, trying to make certain I wasn’t imagining her standing a couple feet away. She elicited such a physical reaction from me. My heart rate on the field was nowhere near what it became the moment I saw her.

Autumn was just as gorgeous as ever. She had grown her hair longer and the way it hung loose down her back made me want to run my fingers through it. She had a dark tan left over from the summer, and I thought about brushing my fingertips over her skin to feel the softness again. I saw her cheeks color as she stared at me and for some reason it boosted my expectations. If she was feeling flustered, maybe her feelings for me hadn’t completely faded. 

“Hi,” she said quietly.

I laughed to release my nervousness. “Hi.”

“I want us to talk, but it’s probably not a good time.” She pointed to the doorway of the locker room. “You probably have to get back with your team.”

I almost laughed again since I couldn’t give a flying fuck about the game at the moment. I’d been waiting months to see her and talk to her again. I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity now that she was standing before me. “How are you?”

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I’m fine. I had a nice summer with my mom at the beach.”

I had found out about her beach retreat from her roommate months ago. I had tried to give Autumn the breathing room she needed, but I couldn’t completely let her go. Over the summer, I had reached out to Lexi to ask how Autumn was doing. An impossible ache had settled into my bones over the thought of never speaking to Autumn again and I had to know if she was going through the same thing. Hearing from Lexi that Autumn was okay had felt like a mixed blessing.

I don’t respond at first. It’s not like I wanted to talk about my summer. Until Delia snapped me out of it, I spent most of the time feeling sorry for myself. Autumn’s keys rattled in her hand and it gave me a start. “Are you leaving the game?”

She broke eye contact with me. “Yes. I wanted to come, but it got to be a little overwhelming when I thought your parents might be here, too.”

“They’re not here. Thomas will never be part of my life again.” Autumn needed to hear me say it. I didn’t know if she believed me, but I stood by my words. I wasn’t staying away from Thomas to appease her. I’d never be able to understand or forgive the appalling things he had done to her. “Things are still not the best between my mom and me. It’s complicated and I have a lot to tell you, but I don’t want to talk about them right now. Especially since it’s been four months since I last talked to you.”

She lifted her gaze once again to mine. “Okay.”

“So why did you come today?”

“I came to see you,” she said softly. I felt my pulse thrum in my ears as she continued to speak. “I thought after the game we could talk.”

“I wish we could talk now.”

“Me too,” she said, making me smile. “We can talk after the game. You better go. Don’t you have to go over plays or something in the locker room?”

“Do you think I’ll be able to concentrate on the game after knowing you want to talk to me?” Football had always come first, but I wouldn’t put the game above her. “I wanted to call you, but I understood how badly I fucked up,” I said, my voice cracking. “I lied and got close to you without ever telling you the truth. I loved you, but I always knew what we had would be temporary. The truth would be out there, and I’d lose the only girl I ever loved.”