16 Sizzling Sixteen (15 page)

Lula rolled the windows down. My eyes are watering. Im losing my appetite for chicken. Are both those bags full of money?

Yep. I took money out of my pants and my bra and handed it over to Connie. I have no idea how much money is here. I didnt take the time to look. I just stuffed everything in the bags and ran. I got there at a good time. The safe was open but empty. They were either getting ready to put the money away or move it.

I cant believe we did this, Lula said. This was totally the shit. This was the bomb. And it dont even look like were being followed.

Connie and I turned and looked to make sure.

I think we pulled it off, Connie said.

And she giggled. And then Lula and I giggled. This was pretty weird, because were not necessarily gigglers, but men spit and scratch their nuts and do high-five hand slaps when they get away with stupid shit . . . And women giggle. Im not sure which is worse, but Im glad Im not inclined to scratch myself in private places in public.

Were good, Lula said. How many bitches could steal all this money and not get caught? Im telling you, Im talking about a new career. We could be the Three Mouseketeers.

I think you mean Musketeers, I said to Lula.

Whatever. We could give ourselves a cool name, and we could do heists and capers. Only thing is, next time we gotta call a cab for Stephanie, so she doesnt smell up the car. Im glad were not in my Firebird.

I cant help it, I said. I was stuck in the building. For that matter, you dont smell like roses, either.

Me? Lula said. Are you telling me I stink?

Yeah.

Connie cut her eyes to Lula. Shes right. You reek.

I might have spilled some on my shoe, Lula said. You just filled up old olive bottles, and they didnt pour perfect. Next time, you want to invest in a beaker or something with a spout.

I dont want to hear about next time, I said. Im retiring from a life of crime.

But were so good, Lula said. I bet we made ourselves millionaires.

Only for half a day. Tomorrow, the money goes back to Sunflower, I told her.

Oh yeah, I forgot for a minute, Lula said. Are we sure we want to do that? I could buy a lot of shoes that dont smell bad with that money.

There was silence while the thought hung in the car. Keeping the money had a lot of appeal. If we had the money, we wouldnt actually need Vinnie or the bonds office. Unfortunately, there was Grandma Plum and Aunt Mim to consider. Not to mention the nagging need to do the right thing, and the fear that God would get me if I didnt.

Now where to? Lula wanted to know.

To the office, Connie said. We need to count the money. Park the car in the back.

There was an alley behind the office with parking for a couple cars. The back door led to the storeroom, and beyond the storeroom were banks of file cabinets. You could sneak in through the back door and not be seen, unless, of course, you walked through the front office, where Connie held court. Vinnie parked in the back because Vinnie was always hiding out from someone. Vinnie didnt pay his bills on time. He messed around with married women. And he dated barnyard animals.

Lula parked Connies car, and we hauled the chicken and money and assorted weapons inside and locked the back door.

Take it all into Vinnies inner office, Connie said. There arent any windows in there.

I cleared Vinnies desk and dumped the money out.

We need a system, Connie said, helping herself to an extra crispy mystery piece of chicken. First, lets divide the money by amount. All the twenties over there in the corner. All the hundreds here by the desk. Just pile it up on the floor. Then well use elastic bands to bundle them, so all the bundles are worth the same amount of money.

Two hours later, the bucket of extra crispy was empty and we had all the money bundled, stacked, and counted.

The latest demand was for one million three, Connie said. We have a little over one million two.

Ordinarily, Sunflower might be willing to make a deal, Lula said, but he just got robbed, and hes probably in a bad mood now.

Ill call him tomorrow, Connie said. I cant imagine him not taking one million two.

I looked at the pile of money heaped on Vinnies desk. What are we going to do with this until tomorrow? Its not going to fit in Vinnies safe.

Well put the stacks of high-denomination bills in the safe, Connie said. The rest can get hidden from view under his desk. Ill lock Vinnies office door and set the alarm when we leave.

I STOPPED AT the all-night supermarket on the way home and got everything on my list but bullets. I parked in the lot behind my apartment building, grabbed the grocery bags from the backseat, turned, and bumped into a rock-solid guy. Morelli.

Jeez! I said. You scared the heck out of me. Dont sneak up on me like that.

I didnt sneak. You parked next to me and didnt even notice.

I have a lot on my mind.

Want to share it?

I paused for a minute, hugging the bags to me, debating. No, I said. I cant.

Thats ridiculous.

Where were you tonight?

I went out for dinner with Lula and Connie.

Someone set a stink bomb off in Bobby Sunflowers funeral home, Morelli said.

And?

The only one I know who can build a stink bomb of that magnitude is Connie. She was in my graduating class in high school, and she was famous.

Why would Connie set off a stink bomb in Sunflowers funeral home?

You tell me.

Our eyes locked for a moment before I turned away. Dont know, I said.

Morelli took the bags from me and walked me to the building. Thats a fib.

Its my story, I said, and Im sticking to it.

He held the door for me and followed me through the foyer and into the elevator.

This could be a romantic moment if you smelled better, he said.

I found it hard to believe a little stink would deter Morellis libido. Since becoming a bounty hunter, Ive smelled like dog poop, garbage, blown-up funeral home, and monkey. Its hard to believe stink bomb was any worse. The elevator doors opened, and Morelli tagged behind me.

Heres whats confusing me, he said. I know Connies stink bombs pretty well, and youre definitely smelling like a stink bomb, but theres also a hint of fried chicken.

Cluck-in-a-Bucket, I said. Extra crispy.

Morelli stopped in the middle of my hall. Omigod. Youre the one who turned Mr. Jingles loose.

I plugged the key into my lock and opened the door. It wasnt me, I swear.

Morelli set the bags on my counter and helped himself to a beer. Lula?

Morelli chugged some beer. Negative. Mr. Jingles got caught without incident. Animal control went to serve Chopper with a ticket, and they said his door was open and there were grease stains all over his apartment and it smelled like fried chicken and alligator.

Go figure, I said.

He lounged against the counter. I dont suppose I could persuade you to take a shower.

No persuading necessary. I cant stand myself. Im going to take a shower and throw my clothes away. Its what might happen after the shower that would be a hard sell.

My specialty, Morelli said. I might even start the hard sell while youre in the shower.

I thought you wanted to date other women.

I didnt want to date other women. We decided in the heat of battle that we were no longer exclusively attached.

And I could date other men.

Morelli was starting to look annoyed. Have you been dating other men?

Maybe.

As long as it isnt Ranger, Morelli said.

I dont think Ranger dates.

The idea of Ranger dating was pretty strange. Ive seen him in bars, stalking skips. And Ive had dinner with him on occasion, but I couldnt imagine him calling a woman up for a date. I suspected he had a small list of nonthreatening, cooperative women who he visited late at night when the mood struck.

Whatever it is Ranger does, I dont want him doing it with you, Morelli said. Hes a nut. And hes dangerous.

Hes mellow now, I told Morelli. Hes a businessman.

Morelli looked out at the black Mercedes. Do you know where he gets these cars?

No. Do you?

No, but I doubt its a legal source.

I wasnt even sure it was a human source. It was like the cars were beamed in from space.

No. Were discussing.

Are you sure?

Am I yelling? Morelli asked. Is my face purple? Are the cords in my neck standing out? Am I waving my arms around?

No.

Then were not fighting.

I kicked my shoes off in the kitchen and peeled my socks off. Were you working tonight?

No.

Then how do you know about Mr. Jingles and the funeral home?

I went out to get a pizza and ran into Eddie coming off his shift. He got to help wrangle Mr. Jingles into the animal control van.

Eddie Gazarra is a uniformed cop whos married to my cousin Shirley-the-Whiner. Hes a nice guy with a white-blond buzz cut and a big mouth.

I unzipped my jeans. I need to get out of these contaminated clothes. I dont want them in my bedroom. Are you going to stand here and watch me get undressed?

His brown eyes almost completely dilated to black. Yeah, he said. Im going to watch you get undressed. And Im going to watch you take a shower. And then Im personally going to towel you down.

Oh boy. Oh boy!

I dropped my jeans, stepped out of them, and Morellis phone rang. Morelli didnt take his eyes off me. He didnt answer his phone. He didnt check the readout. The phone kept ringing.

Your phone, I said.

Itll stop.

There was a moments pause while the phone disconnected. And then the phone buzzed with a text message and buzzed a second time.

You might as well read it, I said. Its not going away.

Morelli glanced at his phone. Ive got a text message from dispatch and a text message from my boss. He punched a number in and waited.

His attention moved from me to a spot on the floor. He listened for a full minute before raising his head and looking back at me.

Im on it, he said. And he slid his phone into his pocket.

Well? I asked.

I have to go. Two guys in suits and ties were just found facedown in the Regal Diner parking lot. They were behind the Dumpster in an area reserved for employees. Hands tied. Single bullet in the back of the head.

Execution.

Yeah.

Have they been IDd?

Not that I can tell you. Ranger monitors all our communication. Im sure you can get it from him. All I can say is that they werent from the neighborhood.

Boy, this is too bad, I said. I was planning on being incredibly sexy after I got clean.

Thats rotten, Morelli said. You were the one who told me to take the message. He took a step toward me and pulled back. Id kiss you, but you smell like my gym bag.

I locked the door when Morelli left, removed the rest of my clothes, and stuffed them into a black plastic garbage bag. I sprayed my sneakers with deodorizer and hoped for the best. I took a shower and washed my hair twice. I got dressed in a T-shirt and boxer shorts and called Ranger.

Babe, he said.

Who were the two suits dumped behind Regal Diner tonight?

Victor Kulik and Walter Dunne. A couple lawyers who work in mergers and acquisitions for a venture capital company. Its the same company that bought the bail bonds agency from Harry. Wellington.

Thanks.

You stole money from Chopper and Sunflower so you could give it back to Sunflower and bail Vinnie out, didnt you?

Who me?

Anyone else would have just killed the alligator, Ranger said.

How do you know?

And youre modest.

No, Ranger said. Im not modest.

And he disconnected.

NINETEEN

MOST MORNINGS, IM rushed and my refrigerator is empty and I take breakfast where I find it. This morning, I was flush with food from my supermarket stop, so I had orange juice, coffee, and a bowl of Rice Krispies for breakfast. I gave Rex a chunk of apple, some hamster crunchies, and fresh water. I checked my e-mail. I lined my eyes with a very thin line of smoky black and brushed on a smidgen of mascara. My sneakers still smelled a little, but, fortunately, they were far from my nose.

Id taken the lucky bottle out of my bag last night, and I had it sitting on my kitchen counter. If I was to be perfectly honest, it wasnt all that great a bottle. And I wasnt sure why Uncle Pip left it to me. I liked Uncle Pip, but I wasnt any closer to him than a lot of other relatives. Why he singled me out to have his lucky bottle was a mystery. I held the bottle to the light, but I couldnt see inside. I thought I heard something when I shook the bottle, but it was very faint. Hard to tell if it was bringing me luck. I didnt get trampled by stampeding cows, eaten by an alligator, or shot while robbing a funeral home, so maybe the bottle was working.

I put my dishes in the sink, told Rex to be a good hamster, and I set off for my parents house with my garbage bag of stink-bomb clothes. There are washers and dryers in the basement of my building, but Im pretty sure trolls live there.

My grandmother was sitting with her foot up on a kitchen chair when I walked in.

Hows the foot? I asked.

Its a pain in the keister. Im tired of hearing clomp, clomp, clomp. And it takes me a half hour to go up the stairs. And it hurts if I walk on it too much, so Im sitting around going nuts. Im not used to sitting around. She leaned forward and wrinkled her nose. Holy cow, who let one go? Whats that smell?

I held up the garbage bag. My clothes were in the wrong place at the wrong time. They need washing.

Leave them on the back porch, my mother said. Ill do them later.

We got coffee cake, Grandma said to me. And theres some breakfast sausages in the refrigerator.

Thanks, I said, but I just ate breakfast.

My mother and grandmother looked at me.

You ate breakfast? my mother asked. I thought you broke up with Joseph.

Morelli isnt Martha Stewart, but its a known fact hes more organized than I am. Morelli almost always has food in his house. When were a couple, and I spend the night, I eat breakfast at his little wooden kitchen table. Sometimes its leftover pizza and sometimes its a frozen toaster waffle. And Morelli is always the one to start coffee brewing, because Morelli is always the first one up. His kitchen is almost identical to my moms, but it feels entirely different. Hes refinished the wood floor and put in new cabinets. The lighting is pleasant, and the counters are for the most part uncluttered in Morellis house. My moms kitchen hasnt changed much since I was a kid. Some new appliances, and new curtains on the back window. The floor is vinyl tile. The counters are Formica. The cabinets are maple. And the kitchen smells like coffee, apple pie, and bacon even when my mother isnt cooking.

I ate breakfast at home, I said.

Are you pregnant? Grandma asked. Sometimes women do strange things when theyre pregnant.