16 Sizzling Sixteen (18 page)

Where is everyone? I asked Drager.

Flex hours, he said. Most everyone prefers to come in early and leave early.

We followed him down a long hall to his corner office. Large ornate desk and credenza on one side of the office. Seating area with a small couch and two chairs and a coffee table on the other. He directed us to the seating area. So far, he hadnt seemed to notice Vinnie was a Hobbit.

Let me get right to the point, Drager said to Vinnie. I know youve been stealing from Wellington. I want full disclosure, and I want the money youve embezzled. I want the names on all the bad bonds youve written.

Yessir, Vinnie said. Ill cooperate totally. I dont know where Ill get the money, but Ill pay it back somehow. Are you calling the police in?

Not if you repay the money. Drager stood and looked at his watch. I have another meeting. You can let yourselves out?

Absolutely, Vinnie said. No problem.

Drager walked partially down the hall with us, said good-bye, and entered another office. Vinnie and I continued on toward the room with the cubicles. The building was eerily quiet, with the exception of a room to the right. I could hear machinery working on the other side of the closed door. I opened the door and looked in. There was a large paper shredder working. A bored-looking kid stood beside the shredder. Black garbage bags presumably filled with paper were stacked against a wall.

What? the kid said.

Sorry, I said to him. Looking for the ladies room.

By the elevator.

I thanked him and closed the door. I didnt say anything to Vinnie until we got into the car and were out of the parking lot.

So what do you think? I asked Vinnie.

He was nervous, Vinnie said. Scared.

Vinnie might be a creepy human being, but he was an excellent judge of people. Thats one of the reasons Vinnie was a good bail bondsman. Vinnie knew when people were lying, scared, doped-up, dumb, or crazy. When Vinnie wasnt intentionally scamming, he didnt write a lot of bad bonds. Vinnie knew who was going to run and who was going to show up for court.

Do you have any idea why Drager was nervous?

Im guessing someones putting pressure on him.

His next meeting?

Vinnie shrugged. All I know is Drager didnt want to shut me down or send me to jail. He just wanted the money.

A fake office, Vinnie said. Cripes, I dont want to say what Im thinking.

That you and Bobby Sunflower have been scamming an even bigger scammer?

Yeah.

Drager?

Dragers mixed up in it, but hes not the end of the line. Someones got his nuts in a vise.

TWENTY-TWO

LULA AND CONNIE were waiting for us to return to the office, and it was coming up to time for dinner, so I stopped on the way back to get a bucket of chicken. I was getting sick of chicken, but it was easy and fast and relatively cheap.

We took the chicken into Vinnies inner office, set up more folding chairs, and dug in.

What did Drager want? Connie asked.

Money, Vinnie said. He wants the money he lost on the phony bonds.

Connie stopped eating. How much is that?

I dont know, Vinnie said. A lot. Maybe a million. I have to go back over the files.

Connie, Lula, and I exchanged a mental message. The message was No way, Jose.

The front door to the office opened and closed, and Connie went to see whod walked in. I followed after her, and Lula followed after me.

Three men stood in the middle of the office. They were dressed in collared knit shirts left untucked, dark slacks, and scuffed shoes. My first thought was cops. My second was hired goons. They were in their forties, and they all looked like they ate a lot of starch and vodka and didnt get enough sun. Doughy faces, soft bellies. Mean little pig eyes. Receding hairlines. Guns stuck in the waistbands of their slacks, mostly hidden under the knit shirts.

Connie went to her desk and sat down. I knew why. Connie kept the Uzi and a Glock in her middle drawer. Lula and I stood in front of Vinnies office, and I closed the door behind me.

Can I help you? Connie asked.

Were looking for Vincent Plum.

He isnt here, Connie said. Would you like to leave a message?

And this would be in reference to what? Connie asked.

Its a business matter.

Im afraid Mr. Plum isnt available right now.

Larry hauled his gun out of his pants. And Im afraid Im going to have to shoot one of you if he doesnt get available.

Hey, Vinnie, Connie yelled. There are some idiots here to see you. I stepped aside, and Vinnie stuck his head out.

What? Vinnie said.

You need to come with us, Larry said. Were going for a ride.

Are you shitting me? Vinnie said. I already took the ride. Im done with the ride. Sunflower got his money. Whats your deal?

We pick up and deliver, Larry said. We dont make the deals. We dont know anything about the deals. And we dont work for Sunflower.

So who do you work for? Vinnie asked.

You find that out when you go for the ride.

Look at me, Vinnie said. Im dressed like a Hobbit. Im not going for any more rides dressed like a Hobbit.

What the fuck is a hobbit? Larry asked.

Theyre little people from Middle Earth, I said.

You mean like midgets?

No, but they might be distantly related to Munchkins, I told him.

What are you on, dopey dust? Larry said to me.

I didnt actually know what dopey dust was, but I was pretty sure I wasnt on it.

Im done talking, Larry said to Vinnie. I dont care if youre dressed like a turnip. March. The cars out front.

And Vinnie jumped back and slammed his door shut and locked it. Mo and Eugene drew their guns, and all three men shot the door full of holes.

Youre in big trouble now, Lula said to the men. That doors owned by The Wellington Company, and theyre gonna be pissed when they see what you did to their door. Its not like doors grow on trees, you know.

I dont give a rats ass about The Wellington Company, Larry said.

Then how about the cops? Lula said. Do you worry about them? On account of Vinnies in there calling the police right now. Or at least he would if he had a phone.

Kick the door down, Larry said to Eugene.

Connie, Lula, and I knew this wouldnt be an easy thing to do. This wasnt the first time Vinnie had to retreat to his office and hide. Vinnie had the door reinforced with rebar and inch-thick bolts that ran the width of the door.

Eugene gave the door a kick just below the handle. Nothing. He put his shoulder into it. Nothing. He shot the lock and kicked some more. Enough of the wood had splintered off that some of the rebar was showing through.

Hes got this thing reinforced, Eugene said.

Im not leaving here empty-handed, Larry said. Well take one of the women.

Whoever the heck you work for wont be happy with that, Lula said. They want Vinnie. Do any of us look like Vinnie? I dont think so.

Which one do you want? Eugene asked. You want the fat one mouthing off?

Lulas eyes got so wide they looked like billiard balls. Excuse me? Did you just say I was fat? Because you better not have said that. I am big and beautiful, but I am not fat. And I dont put up with that slander shit. And I would just like to see you lay one hand on me, because Ill kick your ass from here to Sunday.

How about if we shoot you, Larry said.

Youd be in big trouble with The Wellington Company again. They wouldnt have no one to do the filing. Maybe theyd talk to your boss, and hed make one of you morons come in here to do the filing. Is that what you want? You want to file all day, because its no picnic.

You take her and I quit, Eugene said. She never shuts up.

I hear you, Larry said. Take one of the others.

Eugene looked at him. Which one? How about the one at the desk with the tits.

Now that was insulting. Hey, I said. Show some sensitivity. Ive got tits, too, you know.

So take the one with the little tits, Larry said. I dont care who you take. I just want to get out of here.

I thought you were volunteering, Larry said.

I wasnt volunteering. I was just pointing out that I have tits.

Grab her, Larry said to Eugene.

I moved fast and put Connies desk between us. We danced around the desk a couple times, and Larry yelled to stop.

Heres the way its going down, Larry said to me. You go with us, or Im going to shoot one of your friends.

What happens if I go with you?

I guess we hold you hostage until we can swap you out for the loser in the office.

That dont sound so bad, Lula said.

Well, great, I said to Lula. If you think it sounds so wonderful, you can go with them.

Nuh-ah, Lula said. Im mad at them. Mr. Pasty Flabby said I was fat.

Mr. Pasty Flabby aimed the gun at Lula and squeezed off a round. The bullet tagged her in the fleshy part of her arm and dug into the wall behind her. Connie opened her desk drawer, grabbed the Glock, and shot Larry in the knee. Larry yelped and went down like a sack of sand.

Drop your guns, or Ill shoot him again, Connie said.

Eugene and Mo dropped their guns and froze, and Larry rolled around, holding his knee, bleeding through his slacks.

Get him out of here, Connie said. And dont come back.

Eugene and Mo dragged Larry out the door, shoved him into their car, and laid rubber driving off.

That asshole shot me, Lula said. And now Im bleeding. Somebody get me a Band-Aid. Im gonna be real upset if I get blood on this tank top. It was one-of-a-kind at T. J. Maxx. I was lucky to find it.

Bolts slid, and Vinnies door creaked open. Are they gone? Vinnie asked, peeking out.

Yes, Connie said. But theyll be back.

We have a problem, I said. Where are we going to stash Vinnie?

Hes your relative, Connie said to me.

I already took a turn at it, I told her.

Mooners out, Connie said. Hes going to be wall-to-wall Hobbits.

I looked at Vinnie. Well?

How about a hotel? Vinnie said.

No money, Connie told him. Were totally in the red.

Dont you have any friends? I asked Vinnie.

I only have friends when I have money, Vinnie said.

Thats just sad, Lula said. Youre a pathetic individual.

Bite me, Vinnie said.

See, thats what were talkin about, Lula said. Youre a hotbed of anger, and since Im takin these courses in human nature, I know that comes from insecurity. You probably wet your bed or something. Or maybe you got a little pencil dick, or you cant get it up without sexual enhancement aids. Or maybe youre one of those who got a crook in their penis. Its pretty common, but some men dont like it. Personally, I find a dick that turns a corner can be a unique experience.

Just shoot me, Vinnie said.

Ill take him until I find something better, I said, but both of you owe me. I expect you to come over and clean my bathroom when he leaves.

______

I DEPOSITED VINNIE in my apartment and gave him strict instructions. He was to use his own towels. He was to stay out of my bedroom. My bed was off limits, and my clothes were off limits. He was not to finger my panties. He was not to feed Rex or tap on his cage. He could eat my food and drink my beer as long as he didnt clean me out.

Sure, Vinnie had said. Whatever.

Id changed into a little black skirt, white stretchy top with a low V-neck, black lightweight cardigan sweater, and black heels. Lenny Pickeral, the toilet paper bandit, was going to be at Burt Pickerals viewing tonight, and I felt compelled to capture Lenny. Im not sure why, because the bail bonds office wasnt exactly operational. I suppose this was a way to convince myself of some normalcy.

I called to see if Grandma wanted a ride to the viewing.

That would be wonderful, Grandma said. Emily Klug was supposed to pick me up, but shes got bleeding hemorrhoids.

The air in the funeral home was heavy with the smell of carnations and lilies. I dont have allergies, but funeral home flowers make my nose run. Too many flowers in too small a space, I suppose, combined with overly perfumed women and Stivas inadequate ventilation.

The Elks arrived in full regalia with sashes and hats and medallions and hundred-proof breath just as I entered the lobby. I pushed through the crush, looking for Grandma, looking for Lenny Pickeral. Probably, it was a terrible thing to attempt an arrest in the midst of grief, but it was my job, and it was the law. And the truth is, no one in this crowd seemed overwhelmed by the tragedy of Burts passing. Burt led a long, full life, and the Burg is good at accepting death. Lots of devout Catholics who found genuine solace in their faith.

I heard an exclamation go up in front of me. It was followed by murmuring and some movement. I squeezed my way in and saw Grandma standing over Maria Lorenzo. Two men were trying to get Maria up on her feet, but Maria topped the scales at somewhere around two hundred and fifty pounds, and they were having a hard time figuring out where to grab her.

Sorry I knocked you down, Grandma said to Maria. Its these dang crutches. I havent got the hang of them yet, but I got to use them, because my foot is broke all over. I should be in a wheelchair, but I dont want to look like a sissy.

I eased Grandma away from Maria and moved her into a less congested area. She tagged two people en route, but no one went down.

Stay here, I said. You cant do any more damage if you dont move from this spot.

Yeah, but what good is that? Im not near the cookies. And I havent even seen the deceased yet. And people cant see me with my disability over here.

If you keep hitting people in the back of the leg with your crutches, theyll kick you out.

They wont do that. Im an old lady and Im gonna die soon, and they want my business. I got a real expensive slumber box picked out here. Mahogany with gold handles and padded inside with genuine satin. And its lead-lined, so the worms wont get to me. They could have buried King Tut in this slumber box, and hed be good as new.

I hoped the funeral home wasnt counting on collecting Grandmas funeral money any time soon, because I was pretty sure Grandma wasnt ever going to die.

Maybe you could walk better without the crutches, I said to her.

I wont get as much sympathy that way. This is my big chance. Other people get heart attacks and kidney stones, and I never get any of that stuff. Im healthy as a horse. I dont even get the flu. All I got is a broken foot. And it wasnt even broken enough to get us a handicap sticker for the car. I tell you, theres no justice in this world.

All right, lets compromise. You can hold the crutches, but you cant use them to try to walk.

I guess that would be okay, Grandma said. I cant figure them out anyway. I think I swing when Im supposed to clomp.

Where do you want to go first? I asked her.

I want to see the deceased. And then I want cookies.

TWENTY-THREE

I GOT GRANDMA in the line inching its way to the casket, and I set off to find Lenny Pickeral. After five minutes of circulating through the room, I realized everyone looked like Lenny Pickeral. Even the women. Some Pickerals were older than others, but other than that they were interchangeable.

I stopped a random Pickeral and asked about Lenny.