16 Sizzling Sixteen (7 page)

Do you need back up?

Do I have a choice?

There was a long pause. No, Chet finally said.

It used to bother me that Ranger monitored my every move, but Ive gotten used to it, and for the most part, Im able to ignore it. Truth is, Im not all that good at being a bounty hunter, and Rangers over protectiveness has saved my life more than once.

I stopped at the bonds office to get Lula, and I ran into Walter Moon Man Dunphy coming out of the used-book store next to the bonds office. Mooner is my age, but he lives on an entirely different planet. Hes slim, with light brown shoulder-length hair, parted in the middle. He was wearing a vintage Metallica T-shirt, jeans with holes in the knees, and black-and-white Chucks.

Dudette, Mooner said to me. Long time no see. Hows life?

Its good, I told him. Whats new with you?

I got a new casa. Its el loco mobile casa.

It took me a moment to realize he was talking about the rusted-out motor home at curbside.

Youre living in this RV?

Affirmative. Totally cool, right? And the feng shui is excellent. Like, if Im getting bad vibes, I just park this sweetheart in a different direction. And I have a dish, so I didnt have to give up my position on the Cosmic Alliance.

I had no clue what he meant by the Cosmic Alliance, and I didnt want to take the time to ask.

Thats great, I said. I have to go to work now.

Yeah, me, too.

Youre working?

Gotta feed the Love Bus. Doesnt run on air, dude.

What are you doing?

Im walking dogs. I pick em up, and take em to the park, they crap their brains out, and I take em home.

He gave me his card. GOLDEN AURA DOG SERVICE. Happy Is As Happy Does.

Im hella entrepreneurial, Mooner said. Its a gift.

I pocketed the card and went into the bonds office. Gritch is at a house in Bucks County, I said to Lula. Im going to take a look. Want to come with me?

Sure, Lula said. Havent got anything better to do.

How about filing, Connie said.

Filing isnt better, Lula said. Filing gives me a cramp in my head. Personally, I think you should just throw all those files away. We never look at them. What good are they? When was the last time you looked at one of them files?

Id look at them if I could find them, Connie said. She turned to me. Speaking of files, I got a new one for you. Lenny Pickeral. It should be an easy capture.

Wait until you hear this, Lula said. This is a beauty. This guy stole toilet paper outta all the rest stops on the Turnpike. He said he was protesting the inferior quality of rest stop toilet paper.

It didnt seem like such a horrible crime. They arrested him for that?

Actually, they arrested him for making an illegal U-turn across the grass median, Connie said. When they checked out his trunk, they found it was full of toilet paper. And then they went to his house, and it was full of toilet paper. The guy has been stealing toilet paper from the Turnpike for almost a year.

And now hes FTA? I asked.

Probably stealing more toilet paper even as we speak, Lula said. Sounds to me like a addiction.

I rammed the file into my bag. Addios. Im off to find Vinnie.

Me, too, Lula said. Im gonna find the heck out of him.

I crossed the Delaware River into Pennsylvania and went north on Lower Bucks Road, watching my nav screen. Lower Bucks Road is a two-lane, fairly well-traveled road that runs along the river. Its a mix of expensive homes, moderate homes, and woods. Not a lot of commercial property.

Ten minutes down Lower Bucks Road, I was told to turn left, onto a dirt road. It was a wooded area, and the dirt road was single-lane. I knew the house was a half mile in. I crept along, not wanting to raise dust, and after a half mile, I came to the house. It was a brown-shingle, two-story, cottage-type house. Big. Maybe seven thousand square feet. A Bucks County manor house. Professional landscaping. Circular drive court. Not shabby. Probably, Vinnie didnt want to be rescued. He probably had a Jacuzzi and a four-poster bed. On the other hand, they were going to kill him on Friday.

I continued on down the road, past two more houses, before the road abruptly ended. I turned and slowly cruised past the brown-shingle house for a second time. Gritchs Mercedes was parked in the drive court, plus two other cars. One was an SUV and the other a Ferrari.

Hard to believe youd want to stash a perv like Vinnie in a nice house like this, Lula said. Maybe this heres Bobby Sunflowers house. In which case, we be sitting in Bobbys driveway, and that might not be healthy.

Good point.

I drove back to the road, pulled to the side, and parked. A half hour later, Mickey Gritch turned out of the dirt road and headed south, toward Trenton. The Ferrari followed.

The car belongs to Bobby Sunflower, Chet said. The house is owned by a holding company. And Sunflower owns the holding company.

Can you find out if the holding company owns other properties?

Sure. Ill get back to you.

This is like having your own private detective agency, Lula said. Does Ranger keep a tally of services? Do you gotta pay up one way or another at the end of the month? I tell you, I wouldnt mind doing that. He is heartstoppin hot. I had my way, Id spread sauce on him and work him like a rib.

The thought of working Ranger like a rib gave me a hot flash that prickled from my scalp clear down to my doodah.

You just turned red, Lula said. I never seen you turn red like that before.

It was the rib thing.

Yeah, Lula said. I get like that about ribs, too. I think we need to go to Tonys when we get back to town. He makes kick-ass ribs.

We sat there for ten minutes more, waiting for the SUV, but the SUV didnt drive by.

Im going to leave the car here and walk back to the house, I told Lula.

Ill come with you. Good thing I dressed down to sneakers today.

I checked Lula out. She was wearing pink wedge sneakers loaded up with rhinestones, a super-short stretch denim skirt, and a way-too-small pink T-shirt decorated with silver glitter that was flaking off on everything. It was casual Tuesday. I was in my usual outfit of jeans, sneakers, and a slightly stretchy V-neck T-shirt. No glitter. No red sauce stains.

Heres the plan, I said, starting out on the dirt road. If we hear a car coming, we jump off the road and hide in the woods.

Sure, I can do that, Lula said. Only I hope we dont have to, cause I have vegetation issues. I dont do the nature thing. Remember when we were down in the Pine Barrens? I hated that shit. Im a city girl. I like cement. As far as Im concerned, you could cement this whole country over.

Maybe you want to stay in the Jeep, I said.

That might be a good idea. I could stay and make sure it dont get stolen.

The road was hard-packed dirt and either side was forested. The sun filtered through the leaf canopy and the air smelled like the beginning of summer. I would have enjoyed the walk if only I hadnt been terrified Bobby Sunflower would return and run me down.

I moved from the road to the woods just before I got within sight of the house. Im not as bad as Lula when it comes to nature, but Im not a tree nymph, either. Ive seen Ranger move through brush and never make a sound. As hard as I try to be quiet, Im more of a thrasher. I crept along the edge of the property, looking for movement inside the house. The SUV was still parked just past the door. Shades hadnt been drawn. There was no way of knowing who belonged to the SUV. No way of knowing if Vinnie was here. I returned to the Jeep and pulled myself up behind the wheel.

Well? Lula wanted to know.

Are you carrying the bottle?

Yes.

Hunh, youd think the bottle would do something for you.

I turned the key and put the Jeep into gear. I didnt get caught.

Thats true, Lula said. So it could be working.

IT WAS AFTER four oclock when we got back to the bonds office. Connie was painting her nails and looking not happy.

So? I said.

I got a call from Bobby Sunflower at two oclock. He said he was getting impatient. And then he put Vinnie on, and Vinnie begged me to get the money, and then someone started shrieking. I guess that was Vinnie. And the line went dead.

Bobby Sunflower was at the Pennsylvania house at two oclock, Lula said to me. Now we know where they got Vinnie.

His car was at the house, I said. We never actually saw Bobby Sunflower.

That man isnt gonna let nobody drive his Ferrari, Lula said. Thats a personal Ferrari.

Probably true.

They got Vinnie at this house in Pennsylvania, Lula said to Connie. We know exactly where it is. We just gotta rescue him now. My Visa bill is due any day. I cant take no chances.

Here was the deal. While I was looking for Vinnie, this sounded like a noble idea. Now that we might have found him and had to go in guns blazing, I was thinking . . . Not so good. Morelli could pull this off, but I couldnt ask him without agreeing to police involvement. Ranger would have Vinnie out in a heartbeat, but Ranger was in Atlanta. And even if Ranger were here, it wouldnt feel right to make him do my dirty work.

Maybe instead of rescuing Vinnie, we should try to raise the money, I said.

Okay, Connie said. How?

We all thought about it.

We could have a bake sale, Lula said.

You cant bake, Stephanie cant bake, and I dont want to bake, Connie said. And we need $786, 000. Thats a lot of cake. Plus, the interest grows on that every day.

The bonds office is now owned by a venture capital group called The Wellington Company. Last I looked, they werent happy with the office performance. I dont think we want to rock that boat by asking them for a loan.

Lets just rescue him and get it over with, Lula said. How hard could it be? There was one SUV sitting in the driveway. So Im thinking theres Vinnie tied to a chair in the kitchen and some goon in the living room watching TV.

And? I asked.

And we go in, shoot the goon, rescue Vinnie, and we go home.

Im not comfortable with shooting the goon, I told her. And we arent a hundred percent sure Vinnie is in the house.

I know, Connie said. Stink bomb. We lob a stink bomb in there, everyone runs out, and in the confusion we rescue Vinnie.

I like it, Lula said to Connie. Boy, youre good. I could see youve done this before.

High school, Connie said. I was the stink bomb queen. One time, I stink-bombed the principals house and he blamed it on Jimmy Rubinowski.

What happened to Jimmy Rubinowski? Lula wanted to know.

Nothing. He was a football player. He was golden.

Is this stink bomb going to damage the house? I asked.

No, Connie said. It takes a couple days for the smell to go away, but then everythings good. Except for the window you broke getting the bomb into the house.

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I dont like doing this without making sure Vinnies in the house, I said.

Lula and I broke a few minor laws from time to time in the pursuit of felons, but for the most part, we had paperwork giving us wide authority for search and capture. We all knew Bobby Sunflower was pond scum, but that didnt give me the right to lob a stink bomb through his window.

This isnt a whim, Lula said. Theres circumstantial evidence. And anyway, this heres Bobby Sunflower were talking about. He probably gets stink-bombed all the time.

How about this, Connie said. I go home and whip up a stink bomb. And then we go back to the house at night so we can creep around better and look in windows. And then if it looks like Vinnies in the house, we bazooka the bomb in.

I guess thats okay, I said. Unless Sunflower has family in the house.

Sunflower hasnt got family, Lula said. Only thing hed have in the house is armed entourage and maybe a ho or two.

The sun goes down around eight-thirty, Connie said. So lets meet here at the office at eight-fifteen. And everyone wear black.

NINE

I LEFT THE bonds office, drove to Quakerbridge Mall, and went straight to the food court. I had a photo of Chopper, and Id become pretty good at spotting drug dealers. Not to mention I had the lucky bottle. So maybe with all those things going for me, I could snag Chopper. I got a cheeseburger and a vanilla shake, and I sat at a table that would allow me to see almost the entire food court area.

According to the photo and file description, Chopper was a Hispanic male, 59 tall, medium build, no piercings or tattoos. A smashed right hand. Forty-five years old. One eyebrow.

I finished my burger and shake, and I sat for a while, trying to look like I was waiting for someone. I got up and walked around a little. I bought a chocolate chip cookie. I sat at a different table. I did another tour of the food court. I walked beyond the food court and looked around. No Chopper. I bought an ice cream cone, and I sat and ate it. Still no Chopper. By seven oclock Id had enough of the food court, so I went home and changed into black commando gear. Black jeans, black T-shirt, black sweatshirt.

Lula and Connie were already at the office when I pulled in. Connie was dressed just like me. Lula looked like an ad for S&M clothes for plus-size women. Black leather boots up to her thighs, black stretch skirt that hung two inches below her ass, black Spandex wrap shirt.

I got my gun, my stun gun, my pepper spray, my flashlight, Lula said. And then I got my other gun and a bread knife.

I have an Uzi and the stink bombs, Connie said.

They looked at me.

I had hairspray and a nail file, but it didnt stack up next to guns and stink bombs. I have the lucky bottle, I told them.

Now youre talking, Lula said.

Connie grabbed her purse, and we followed her out of the office.

Ive got my brother Tonys car, Connie said. Its a P. O. S. Explorer, and no one will pay any attention to it sitting on the side of the road.

Lula got in front with Connie, and I got in back with the box of stink bombs. The adapted for stink bombs rocket launcher was behind me. It was deep dusk when we drove over the bridge to Pennsylvania, and by the time we reached the dirt road, it was black as pitch out. No moon. Overcast sky. Connie pulled off to the shoulder and parked on Lower Bucks Road just before our turn-off. We all piled out and waited while Connie loaded the rocket launcher up with a stink bomb.

Its a big house, Lula said. How many of these bombs do you think we gotta fire off?

One will probably do it, Connie said, slinging the Uzi strap over her shoulder. But we could do an upstairs and a downstairs if we want to be sure of covering the whole house.

Whats it smell like?

The one I made today smells like a combination of cat pee and diarrhea fart, Connie said, handing me the box with the extra bombs. And maybe it has a hint of throw-up.

We walked about twenty feet down the road and had no idea where we were.

I dont know if Im in the middle of the road or the middle of the forest, Lula said. I cant see nothin. Theres no light here. Theres . . . Whoops!