16 Sizzling Sixteen (21 page)

I imagine Rangeman will get in touch with Wellington, I said. I dont think its necessary for you to call.

I feel like an orphan, Vinnie said. I havent got Lucille, and I havent got my office. I havent even got my own underwear.

I know he made all his own problems, but I felt sorry for him anyway. Get another beer and well see if we can find a movie to watch.

By the time I went to bed, Vinnie had retrieved his clothes from the dryer downstairs and was out of my bathrobe. I put the robe in my hamper and told him he could keep the panties. I think he was pleased.

AT NINE IN the morning, Lula, Connie, Vinnie, and I all showed up at the office as if it existed. The fire trucks, EMTs, and police cars were gone, but sooty water still pooled in the gutter. Three buildings were cordoned off with crime-scene tape. The bookstore on one side of the bonds office and the dry cleaner on the other side showed no structural damage. They were smoke-smudged and water-logged, but they were standing intact. The bonds office was a pile of charred rubble.

Aint this a bitch, Lula said. My couch is gone. Where am I gonna sit?

The office can get rebuilt, Connie said, but weve lost years of files that well never be able to replace. Phone numbers, addresses, open bonds. Theyre all gone.

Good riddance, Vinnie said. I was in debt up to my gonads. We can make a fresh start.

Yeah, Lula said. We can buy a new couch. We could get one that vibrates.

Reality check, I said. Burning down the office wasnt a friendly gesture. Remember the three men who wanted to kidnap Vinnie but were willing to settle for me? Theyre still out there. They probably burned down the office.

Only two of them, Lula said. Larry got a bum knee.

My favorite nail polish was in my desk drawer, Connie said. Im going to have to buy new nail polish.

This heres real sad, Lula said. I dont know where Im supposed to go. Do I have a job?

Ill call The Wellington Company, Connie said. Its Saturday, but there might be someone working. Im sure theyll just move the bonds business into a different location.

We all waited while Connie tapped the number in and listened for the connection.

Its not a working number, Connie said a minute later.

Whats with that? Lula wanted to know.

Its the only number I have for them, Connie said. I dont have any cell numbers. Maybe we should go downtown and see if anyones working. If I was Drager, and one of my buildings burned down, Id be at my desk this morning.

Ill drive, I said.

You know what we should do? Lula said. We should open our own bail bonds agency. We could call it Big and Beautiful Bail Bonds.

You need start-up money to do that, Vinnie said. You need money to rent an office. Security deposits. Advance money for the lease. Wed have to buy computers and software, file cabinets, staplers.

We could get a loan, Lula said. Whos got credit?

Not me, I said. Im a month behind on my rent. I cant get a loan to buy a new car.

Not me, Vinnie said. I dont even have credit with my bookie.

Hell, Lula said. Thats the understatement of the year. Your bookie wants to kill you.

I could go to my family, Connie said.

We all declined on that one. If we took money from Connies family, wed be owned by the Mob.

What about you? Vinnie asked Lula.

Im in collection, Lula said. I overextended a little. Im worried someones gonna come repossess my shoes.

The Meagan Building was a block away, and my stomach was in a knot. I stopped for a light, and it was obvious traffic was slow ahead. Only one lane was open. The other was barricaded. The light changed, and I crept up to the Meagan Building. Yellow crime-scene tape blocked off the sidewalk. A fire truck and the fire marshalls SUV was parked nearby. There was a lot of charred debris on the sidewalk in front of the building, and four guys in hard hats stood talking. They were standing in the road, looking up at the Meagan Building. The windows on the fifth floor were completely blown out. Black soot covered the exterior of the top floors, and the lower floors were grime-streaked.

What floor was The Wellington Company on? Lula asked.

The fifth floor, I told her.

Guess we know why they arent answering their phone, Lula said.

Connie looked out her window. Someone was really busy last night.

This is crazy, Vinnie said. Even the Mob knows enough not to blow up two businesses in one night. Who the hecks doing this?

I dont know, Lula said, but I need chicken. I need doughnuts. I need one of them extra-greasy breakfast muffins with ham and eggs and shit.

TWENTY-SIX

I STOPPED AT three different drive-through windows, and by the time we got back to the office, we were all feeling sick, not just from the freakish turn our lives had taken, but also from the food wed managed to snarf down en route.

You know what I need? Vinnie said. Lucille. I know this is stupid, but I miss Lucille. I never thought Id say that. She was such a pain in the ass. How can you miss someone thats a pain in the ass?

My ex-husband was a pain in the ass, Connie said, and I dont miss him at all.

Ditto for me, I said.

My marriage lasted about fifteen minutes. I caught my ex-husband naked on my dining room table with Joyce Barnhardt riding him like she was in the Kentucky Derby going for the win.

Your problem is youre a jerk, Lula said to Vinnie. You got all normal feelings. Like, you love Lucille. But you cant help from being a jerk. I mean, what kind of a man has a romantic relationship with a duck?

I dont know, Vinnie said. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

You see? Lula said. Its always a good idea at the time. But you dont connect the dots between the good idea and the bad ever after. You got no sense of consequences. I learned all about this in my deviant behavior class at the community college.

I didnt know you were going to college, Vinnie said.

Of course you didnt, on account of you dont listen. Youre not a listener like me. Youd be a better person if you were a listener.

Id listen more if you talked less, Vinnie said.

Hunh, Lula said. Your ass.

The crime-scene tape had been stretched across wooden barricades placed close to what used to be the building housing the bonds office. The sidewalk was still passable, and there was still on-street parking. Lulas Firebird was at the curb, along with Connies car and the Love Bus. Mooner and the Hobbits were on the sidewalk, looking at the rubble.

I parked in front of the Firebird, and walked back to Mooner.

Dude, Mooner said. Someone was smoking in bed.

Yeah, I said. Not much left of the bonds office.

Too bad, Mooner said. I was gonna plug in. The Hobbits need computer juice.

I have to do my blog, one of the Hobbits said. I have to Twitter.

Bungo Goodchild, an old Hobbit said. Where are your manners? Introduce us to this lovely creature.

Mooner pointed to the old Hobbit. This is Oldbuck of Buckland. Hes, like, the oldest dude, but hes cool. The little guy standing next to him is Poppy Proudfoot. Then theres Fredoc Broadbeam. Thats, like, self-explanatory. Twofoot of Nobottle. Fauxfrodo. And Chicaribbit.

Tell me about it, Mooner said. Its like I need rubber walls on the old bus. And I cant bake brownies fast enough for these dudes. They sure love their brownies.

The Hobbits were all dressed in a mix of shabby chic Hobbit clothes and assorted footgear. Brown hooded capes, green or brown vests over tunics. Peddle pushertype pants cinched in with a variety of belts from rope to lizard. Chicaribbit was a girl Hobbit, and her purse matched her pink Converse sneakers. Fredoc Broadbeam was as wide as he was tall. Twofoot of Nobottle was a tall, gangly guy with sandy blond hair and a scraggly beard. Fauxfrodo was nineteen or twenty and covered with tattoos and piercings. And Poppy Proudfoot was the youngest. I was guessing he was seventeen or eighteen.

How long are the Hobbits going to be with you? I asked Mooner.

A week. Hobbit Con starts today, but it doesnt really start to swing until Tuesday when The High Holy One proclaims it officially in session.

I need to charge my phone, Poppy said. My moms going to freak if she cant call me.

Me, too, Oldbuck said. My wife will think Im fooling around if I dont answer my phone.

You can plug in at my place, I said.

What the heck, I didnt have anything else to do.

Did you hear that? Mooner said to the Hobbits. We have juice! Ysellyra Thorney is going to let all you dudes plug in.

Three cheers for Ysellyra, Broadbeam said.

Hobbit hooray! they all yelled. Hooray! Hooray!

Lets do it again, Poppy said.

Not necessary, I told them. Get in the bus and follow me.

Boy, Hobbits know how to have a good time, Lula said. Dont take much to make them happy.

I drove across town with the Love Bus on my tail. I parked in the lot to my building, and we all trooped into the elevator. Twofoot, Poppy, Broadbeam, Oldbuck, Fauxfrodo, Chicaribbit, Mooner, Vinnie, and me.

There are a lot of Hobbits in this elevator, Vinnie said. Anybody know the weight limit?

Mooner pushed the button for the second floor and the elevator creaked and shuddered and slowly rose.

We have lift-off, Mooner said.

Hobbit Hooray! they all yelled. Hooray! Hooray!

I unlocked my door and the Hobbits rushed in. They plugged their phones and their laptops into outlets all over the apartment. They used the bathroom, tested out the couch, turned the television on, cooed over Rex, looked in my refrigerator and cupboards.

I found a relatively quiet corner and called Ranger.

Whats all that noise? Ranger asked. It sounds like youre having a party.

Its Hobbits, I said. Theyre using my electric. I saw the Meagan Building this morning. There was a lot of damage. Will they have to raze the building?

I dont know. Theyre checking the structural integrity. The bonds office burned like it was made out of cardboard. Ten minutes after you left, the roof went down. Whoever set the fire must have used a decent amount of accelerant.

Do you think this is the end of it?

If Bluttovich destroyed both businesses to cover his tracks, itll end here. That would be the good business decision. If this has become a personal vendetta against Vinnie, its probably not over.

Hard to believe Vinnie is that important to Bluttovich. He doesnt even know Vinnie.

From what I can tell, Bluttovich is a power-hungry maniac. If he thinks Vinnie is a threat, hell take him down.

Where do we go from here?

I have men working on it. Ill get back to you in a couple hours.

I disconnected and went to the kitchen for a soda. Mooner was watching Rex. Everyone else was in front of the televsion, except Vinnie.

Wheres Vinnie? I asked Mooner.

Bathroom.

The doorbell rang, and Mooner answered.

I looked out from the kitchen and saw two guys.

Vincent Plum? the one guy asked.

No, dude, Mooner said. Im, like, the Moon Man. Im Bungo.

Cripes, the guy said. Hes stoned.

I saw the guys arm extend with the stun gun, and I ran for Mooner. I reached the door just as Mooner collapsed, and I got tagged, too.

BY THE TIME my brain unscrambled, I was tied hands and feet and had duct tape across my mouth. I was rolling around on the floor of a van, bumping into Mooner, who was also bound and taped. It was a panel van with solid sides and two doors in the rear with small windows. The driver and his partner were up front. I didnt want to go there. I could mostly see sky through the windows. A streetlight flashed by. A tree. No way of knowing where we were going. The driver and his partner werent talking.

The van turned from a smooth road to a bumpy road, hooked a corner, and the road was smooth again. It came to a stop, and the rear doors opened. Mo and Eugene looked in at Mooner and me.

What the hells this? Mo asked.

The driver came around. What do you mean? Its Vincent Plum and some girl. She got in the way, so we took her, too. She looks like fun.

Thats not Vincent Plum, you moron.

How do you know? Have you ever seen Vincent Plum?

I saw him when he stuck his head out of his office. We followed him and the girl from the bonds office to the apartment. Thats how we knew where to find them. We would have snatched him then, but Larry was whining and bleeding all over the place.

Eugene joined the group and looked in at Mooner and me. What the fucks this?

Exactly, Mo said.

We took the wrong guy, the driver said.

No shit, Eugene said.

How was I to know? Hes the right height. Hes got brown hair. Hes sort of weasely.

Gregor is going to be pissed, Eugene said. We already called and told him we had Vinnie. Hes coming out to personally cut off his nuts.

Call him and tell him we made a mistake, the driver said.

What are you, crazy? Eugene said. Remember what happened to Ziggy when he brought Gregor the wrong Dairy Queen Blizzard?

Yeah, the driver said. Gregor hit him in the head with a hammer, and now Ziggy falls over when he takes a leak.

I got an idea, Eugene said. Why dont we douse the van with gasoline, set it on fire, and shove it off a cliff? Then we tell Gregor there was a faulty gas pedal, and the van went out of control and crashed, and we all got out just in time, except we couldnt rescue Vincent.

That might work, Mo said.

Not that I know, Eugene said.

Then whats the problem? the driver said. We tell him this is Vincent Plum. That way, Gregor gets to cut someones nuts off, and he wont be disappointed that he made the trip out here.

Yeah, but this guy will tell Gregor hes not Plum, Mo said.

The driver shrugged. Well leave the tape on his mouth.

Gregor wont like that, Eugene said. He likes when people scream and beg.

So we wait until Gregor starts working on him, the driver said, and then we take the tape off when this guys in the screaming stage.

Everyone thought about that for a beat.

It could work, Mo said.

Eugene agreed.

Okay, so we have a plan, Eugene said. Lets haul these two into the house. Well put them in the tower room. When Gregor gets here, well take this guy to the kitchen, because it has a tile floor for easy cleanup. And then well save the girl for ourselves for later.

Mmmrmph, Mooner said.

Dont worry about it, Eugene said to Mooner. It only hurts in the beginning, and then you faint.

I was dragged out of the van, and Mo put me over his shoulder like a bag of sand. This was the first chance I had to see the house and its surroundings. There was a large lawn surrounding the house. Beyond the lawn, there were dense trees. Long, paved driveway leading to the house. The house itself could hardly be called a house. It was a fortress. It was ominous gray stone and huge. It defied description. It had a tower with turrets, like a medieval castle. If I had to imagine a house for a Bulgarian maniacal mobster, this would be it.

TWENTY-SEVEN

WE WERE CARRIED inside and up to the tower room. The bindings were cut away from our ankles but left on our wrists. The tape was ripped off our mouths.

Gregor wont be here for a while, Eugene said, so make yourself comfortable. And he closed and locked the door.

I like my nuts, Mooner said. I dont want them cut off. Id be, like, nutless then.

Dont worry, I said. Well get rescued.

Do you think?